Sick of my grandmother and all her money

[TetherEndOfMy]

Went to see my grandmother last night. She's in her mid 80s and constantly talks about how much money she has. I am a lone parent struggling to pay my bills and childcare. Every time I see her she asks 'how are you coping with paying bills?' and talks about how awful the cost of living crisis is for people like me. I never raise the topic of money. Last night she then continued on to talk about the two houses she needs to sell which will hopefully see £600k into her savings, and was talking about 200k she had 'lying around' and needed to put into some kind of investment. She then went on to ask me about which charities I 'recommend' she donates to when she dies as she wants to give most of her money away. Today I have phoned to tell her I'm busy and can't drop her shopping round as I feel like she is taunting me. I DO NOT expect her to give me money, I just hate the way she is so tone deaf. She's completely switched on at 84 years old and seems to think I'm some poor hopeless person. Anyway. I just needed to get that off my chest as I am facing having a pre payment meter fitted and am struggling not to cry into my Cereal.

Ask her how she feels making her already hard-working and financially struggling grandchild look after her when she could easily be paying you or paying somebody else to do it. Point out that you could be using the time to study/start a small business/just bloody relax but you're choosing to devote it to her instead. I'd have no time for pussyfooting around her just because she's elderly. She sounds with it enough to know how tactless she's being.

Poor you I think in years gone by people were genuinely better of working more but that's not the case now. We are in the percentage of people that cannot afford for me to work more hours as even with 3 kids in preschool and school the childcare costs in term time alone will outstrip my wages. That's before even taking into the account that DS1 has disabilities and nobody can or will care for him including holiday clubs or family. DH does work full time but had to take a step back as ds1 difficulties made it impossible for him to work the longer hours his senior role dictated. Its actually a horrible situation to be in as I like working.

I think you need to spell it out to your granny that life isn't the way it was. Tell her how hard life is for you, sit her down and show her your outgoings and income and explain this is how life is now. Make it clear in years gone by it did pay to work but now people are struggling because of the cost of living.

I hear you. My grandma actually said to my mum ‘Joan not real name, why does my money keep going up’? My mum rolled her eyes and told her it was because she had £4 million in the bank, receives a pension and winter fuel payment and barely spends a penny. Put it this way, she owned outright a £900k house and when she bought her new £400k house (in cash), she hadn’t yet sold the £900k one!! She’s bloody minted.

Yes, yes, I get it’s very money but it’s so infuriating to see when we’re 19 days from payday and have £100 left and no savings. This is despite working full time. My mum has reassured us that we’ll be getting a large chunk of her inheritance but my grandma just keeps going on and on. If I was her, I’d want to see my family enjoying it now.

*it’s the interest making it go up obviously! Missed that but 😆

We have the same things with FIL. He is absolutely loaded, he literally has thousands just sat in his current account, yet my dh, his son, is disabled and cannot work, we have struggled financially over the last 4 years, dh losing his job through Ill health, me giving up work to be his full time carer, having to sell our home to survive etc Also, our ds, his only grandchild is in uni and typically student poor. I know its FILs money and it's his choice but a small handout would be much appreciated. Instead, he tuts about student debt, the cost of living, asks us how on earth we all manage, he'd hate to be in our position etc whilst handing over his bank card at church every Sunday (yes, forget the collection plate, its been replaced by a card machine). Then if tradespeople call he tips them and taxi drivers massively. I go round at least 3 times a week, do his cleaning, sort out his meals, sort his admin, appointments etc give him lifts, bring him back here for tea one day a week. A couple of hundred quid would make a massive difference to our lives but I darent ask him, it makes me determined to always help out my son, future grandchildren, if I can afford it.

If shes so well off she can pay someone to get her her shopping etc. She could pay you of course but why would she when you do it for free. Horribly insensitive person id take a step back from her

Gran I won’t be able to do the stuff that I currently do for you to help so you may have to pay someone too as I need to look for more hours at work and won’t have the time to do xyz and then come and drop them off to you. I’m sure you understand with the cost of living rising.

what a crass person. talking about your money worries when you're wealthy to someone who isn't us like moaning about your sore feet to someone with no legs, or banging on about the stresses of parenthood to someone going through infertility issues. it's really insensitive.

"granny, if you need advice about how to manage your wealth could you ask other wealthy people please? it's rather insensitive and uncaring to ask someone who is poor these sorts of questions. we'll both enjoy each other's company more if that's a closed topic for us"

she may be angling that she wants you to dedicate your life to her care and wellbeing in her twilight years in order to prove yourself worthy of an inheritance, but without actually promising anything so that she can hold the power over you. or she may just be totally clueless and have no idea how unpleasant she is being.

Id just be straight up about it. “Gran I don’t appreciate you rubbing your wealth in my face. You know I’m struggling. Please stop or I will leave.”

This with bells on but don’t be disappointed if she says no. We have someone similar in the family and I swear they enjoy the taunting. And if she’s says no, explain your situation, that you don’t expect any money from her but it’s very hard to hear so if she won’t stop, you won’t go. Sorry, OP 💐

Start charging her for collecting her shopping if she doesn’t want to give you a handout. Tell her your fee for shopping is £xx per hour and 45p per mile for fuel. If you do any type of chores then charge her for that too. Otherwise, you’ll have to stop going round after telling her why. Tell her you’re going to get paid work as a carer for another elderly lady (even if you’re not)

One of my dhs grandmothers was like this. She had lots of money but always worried if she would have enough to live on until she died. She absolutely did.
We we're once in dire straits, a company my dh worked for went under owing us so, so much money. We asked her for some help, with a payment plan, just to tide us over but she said she couldn't do that. His other grandmother who was not as comfortably well off helped us, as did her friend, who we never met. Their help really was a godsend and we were so grateful.
I would just make yourself less available to her. If she says she needs help with shopping, give her the number of a local agency who have carers who do this. If she complains to you about not visiting, you could tell her you need to work extra hours to try and make ends meet. Or you could just be blunt and tell her exactly why you find visiting her really difficult.

I have a relative who is similar. I’d suggest she pay for carers to run her errands given she’s got so much money.

Stop helping him, you have enough on your plate already. He's only thinking of himself, it's time that you and your family put yourselves first, not him.

OP, your grandmother sounds horrible, I would stop helping her and say you are working more hours / busy with your child / focusing on re-training and you can't help anymore. She can pay for it herself. I couldn't see my grandchild and great-grandchild struggling whilst I rolled around in cash.

If someone always puts themselves first, you need to do the same.

It beggars belief that close family can see someone struggling when they could so easily help.

I like the idea of giving a list of how much directors of charities earn. I would also be blunt and tell her that you don't want to discuss any more of her finances when you are struggling so much as it's very insensitive.

And as for doing things for her? yes maybe you need to tell her you need another job instead of doing things for her. What a witch

Fuck that, it's abusive. Tell her to pay for carers. Appeal to her nasty nature and tell her to use her money before it goes on inheritance tax and pays for people she considers entitled!

It hurts because she’s ungrateful and does not appreciate the time and care you have spent helping her and preferring to give her money to other people she doesn’t know directly. To be honest I would be a bit blunt with someone like this as she is obviously being cruel and taunting you raising it all the time. Take a step back and let her pay carers, maybe she will have another think about what you have done for her.

Can't take it with her! Just reduce contact with her if she annoys you that much. Thing is I highly doubt she earned all that money, Id guess it's probably inheritance, husband's pension and the good fortune of increasing house prices. She probably bought those houses for 20k years ago (or inherited them even!). Many older people have no idea how hard it is for young people today, wages just aren't keeping up with the cost of anything. She's tone deaf and dam right rude to flaunt her money anyway.

@Eightiesgirl I think giving up your work to help a FIL who doesn't give you a penny and also taunts you about money was a massive mistake- how can you row this back now? I'd be letting SS adult care know you can no longer attend 3 x a week as you are working for starters. I simply wouldn't make my kids and myself poor for that person, sorry.

Take a step back. She can pay someone to help her if you're not available? You're hardly leaving her starving

@TetherEndOfMy Have you actually told her how much you struggle financially, emotionally and time wise?

Call her bluff!
Next time you do her shopping, just have a casual conversation about how much you love her and like to help her with shopping despite the fact that you have very limited time due to DC...

I do wonder about people like this. They can’t take it with them when they go so what are they doing?

My parents would love to move to a bungalow but need maybe £100k more than their house is worth. So have to stay out.
My brother has been unemployed since covid and has used up all his savings.

Meanwhile my sister has put £600k into a holiday home she will barely use and will not rent out for holiday let’s when not there. She has a great job and works hard but as you say, so does everyone else! It’s a shame given our humble beginnings she maybe could think of others in need but it’s her choice. I can only look on and wonder! People are funny about money and it’s a shame.

She sounds really horrible and manipulative. I bet she thinks that you will be encouraged to be nice to her because you are hoping for an inheritance.I would say that she either needs to pay you to do her shopping/other jobs or someone else because you haven't got time to work for free anymore.

I agree with pp. be open about how much you are struggling. That you aren't asking for a handout but being around her constant discussions about money are getting you down and if she can't think of anything pleasant to say, you don't see the point of spending time together.

Next time mutter something about knowing how her friends feel... although in your case it's an entitled gran with no sensitivity boundaries bragging about her wealth.