Sick of my grandmother and all her money

[TetherEndOfMy]

Went to see my grandmother last night. She's in her mid 80s and constantly talks about how much money she has. I am a lone parent struggling to pay my bills and childcare. Every time I see her she asks 'how are you coping with paying bills?' and talks about how awful the cost of living crisis is for people like me. I never raise the topic of money. Last night she then continued on to talk about the two houses she needs to sell which will hopefully see £600k into her savings, and was talking about 200k she had 'lying around' and needed to put into some kind of investment. She then went on to ask me about which charities I 'recommend' she donates to when she dies as she wants to give most of her money away. Today I have phoned to tell her I'm busy and can't drop her shopping round as I feel like she is taunting me. I DO NOT expect her to give me money, I just hate the way she is so tone deaf. She's completely switched on at 84 years old and seems to think I'm some poor hopeless person. Anyway. I just needed to get that off my chest as I am facing having a pre payment meter fitted and am struggling not to cry into my Cereal.

It's a bit like the thing where you 'DON'T MENTION THE WAR' if there are Germans visiting, or first thing that comes to mind when a terminally ill friend calls is the funeral you were at yesterday.
It's as if your financial difficulties trigger her talking about her money.
Perhaps coming up with a new topic for you eg what is she putting in the garden this year - you are doing x, y and z. New recipes? Good window cleaner? Something that makes you very happy and excited - or fake it and she might clock onto that subject instead.

Tell her you think people should pay for help and not expect handouts of time and assistance from their grandchildren.

Well I hope you don't do errands for her op. After all she can well afford to pay for outside help..
No bum wiping for you!

Work out your fuel costs & tell her to add that to the bill. If she coughs & splutters over it then say you can't afford to do her shopping any more & you will show her how to do it online
Why should it cost you?

My grandma is like this and has gotten worse the older she gets.

Just call her up it every time and make it clear you'll leave if she carries on. Also don't give more of yourself than you are able to. She can spend some of that money getting people in to help her.

This. Her behaviour is one thing but you don’t have to tolerate it do you?

Asking what charities to leave her money to? She's doing it on purpose. She's taunting you.

I'm guessing she wants you to ask her to give you some money / leave you some when she dies. Power thing.

I wouldn't straight out ask but I would challenge her on taunting you.

"Gran, I'm really struggling financially. You're very well enough. Many people leave their wealth to their families when they die. You're not, you've chosen to leave it to your charity. That's fine, it's your choice, but don't ask me to recommend a charity. It's cruel and it's tone deaf."

So from now on tell her you ate too busy working to run errands for her. She can pay someone.

I don't for one minute think she's oblivious, I think she's getting some sort of weird kick about rubbing her wealth in your face. Nasty.

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Don't you have anyone else in the family who can talk to your grandmother on your behalf like your mum/dad or aunt/uncle?

She obviously needs someone to explain that you are struggling a lot at the moment and would rather not talk about money (unless she is offering you some)

Communicate. At the moment, she'll probably think that you're 'too busy' to do her shopping because she told you her money is being left to charity. She won't realise that it is actually because she is being an insensitive arse about your personal situation! Straight talking.

And re the charitable suggestions, keep telling her to leave it to a donkey sanctuary. Every single time she asks.

What does your mum/dad say about this behaviour of hers, OP?

I have this with an older friend - I have no expectations of being in their will as I know it will go to blood family and their pet charities
However I get fed up with them constantly asking why I don’t spend money or buy things
I’ve been recovering from surgery and not been able to keep on top of housework and gardening do get ‘why don’t you get a cleaner/gardener’
I had a roof leak a while ago and it took me quite a while to raise funds to get it fixed but can’t afford the interior work so every time they visit I get ‘when are you going to get this sorted?’ I just reply when I can afford it and change the subject whilst they then prattle on about the 10k they are spending on landscaping their garden etc

This is good advice.

Although I would also be tempted to say "I've been reflecting on this and you're absolutely right that entitlement is a real problem for the economy. For example did you know that the value of unpaid work to the economy is roughly £10 trillion, of 56% of GDP, according to the ONS? That's work currently done free by family members which people who have money could be paying others to do, which would help carers on low incomes to earn their own money rather than relying on handouts. So from now on you're going to need to use shopping delivery services, taxis, prescription drop off services and so on. Thanks for helping me see this, it was such interesting research!"

Keep telling her you can't do errands etc because you are busy working to earn money and so can't currently afford to take on unpaid care work

Instead of letting her control the narrative where she worked hard and other people are after handouts turn the tables and highlight how she takes advantage by having you run around for her. I would have no shame throwing as many subtle digs back if I was in your position

You work hard but don’t earn enough to get by. Sounds so familiar these days. I feel your pain. Life shouldn’t be this difficult.

Would getting a qualification or something else help improve your job prospects? Or would being able to start your own business? Like if you’re a cleaner just now could you start your own business and employ people etc, perhaps just one and build up your business?

Could she help by investing in something that would help you that’s “worthwhile”? Like training? Or childcare to let you work more?

Keep that I’m mind and tell her how hard you work and how difficult it is and how much you are struggling.

And that you aren’t a sponger or continue silly asking like the others, but if she has spare money and would like to do something good with it, perhaps she could help you become as successful as she did.

You’re not afraid of hard work. And you won’t ask again but if she doesn’t want to help could she please not talk about money as it’s hard to listen when you’re struggling so much.

Don't do the shopping any more. Limit any visits to every couple of months if you can stand it and tell her that you are struggling financially and don't want to hear it/haven't any expert knowledge to offer- talk to her bank.

Just keep repeating 'I don't know about that Gran, I'm not the right person to talk to, talk to your bank' (and let her sort out finding a financial advisor).

She knows what she is doing.

you are not her whipping boy!

Could this be her way of testing that you are not an “entitled grandchild”?

Well, exactly. The grandmother seems to have a very one sided idea of what people should and shouldn’t expect from others.

I would not ask her for money as she's not straightforward.

Very insensitive. I would stop or limit the visits and tell her why.

Bit of a sick ‘test’ if it is

I would wonder if she has the start of dementia, if not it’s very cruel to taunt

I'd stop doing any errands and tell her to sort out someone to help her out with shopping. Actually I'd probably end up going on a rant about wealth inequality and then tell her to do her own errands.

You wouldn't put up with this from a friend, you don't need to put up with this just because it's your gran.