Sounds like you’re in a bit of a crisis stage at the moment and under a huge amount of stress. I am
sorry this is happening to you. I wouldn’t leave my family to struggle in the situation you’re facing, I don’t know why anyone would.
What do you want to happen? Would you maybe feel better seeing a bit less of your gran while circumstances are as bad as they are? Have you got space in your own load to help carry someone who doesn’t really need your help? Is she likely to mend her ways if you say something outright?
If it’s any consolation I work with a lot of people with money and many of them seem to think like your gran. They believe money in the bank makes them morally or intellectually superior to people facing financial issues. They also often think being rich should give them control over less affluent family members. Sadly, that actually works for them in a lot of cases, at least superficially, when said family members are motivated into dancing to their tune by the prospect of getting a share of the money. Waving the wallet to feel loved as an OAP wouldn’t be for me, but I suppose on the flipside it keeps older people feeling ‘relevant’ and like they’re at the centre of things at a time when they might otherwise be marginalised because they’ve become a social dependent rather than a pivotal member. Doesn’t make them pleasant company though.
As you’ve said you know she’s not obligated to help (although I think there’s a moral argument she should be helping out but I know not everyone would agree) as you’re a working adult. I
imagine if she wasn’t bragging about her money you wouldn’t be thinking about it. Some people just like to have an effect on other people’s emotions and money is one way of doing it.
What is being discussed on this thread is a form of emotional abuse, truth be told. Imagine an unhappily childless woman being persistently asked to discuss whether or not her sister should have a fourth child. ‘I mean, babies are great aren’t they but is four babies just too much? Would you babysit so we can still go out dancing?’ People, including your gran I bet, would immediately see that as flagrant cruelty but for some reason they think it’s fine when it’s talking to a person facing hardship about money. Comes back to this idea people with money are better at life than people without and having accrued wealth is evidence of some moral
good. In fact, capitalism is a bit of a c*nt and the pursuit of wealth is a cursed thing.
It’s tough to have an ongoing relationship with someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart. A lot of people on here are stringent about not doing that. That approach works if you feel better once you’ve stopped dealing with them but conscience is a powerful thing. Not every relationship is so easy to extricate yourself from.
If you feel you have to keep helping your gran, someone once gave me a piece of advice to protect myself from mind-games (it seems like that’s what your gran is doing. Ultimately the reasons why she is doing it matter less than the adverse effect it’s having on you). The advice was simply answer the question you’re asked. Ie. ‘I don’t know much about investment/large charity donations, Gran, I think that’s one to talk to a financial advisor/ solicitor about, you know, experts who are qualified to give that sort of advice.’ Repeat to infinity. They call it ‘robot ears.’
There’s a quiet sort of power to robot ears, because a)you’re disengaging your brain from this nonsense, and b) by pulling away verbally and intellectually it’s a reminder to you that you don’t need to play their game. It’s sad for them. People can only hurt you as long as you expect better from them. You’re already losing respect for Gran, and if she doesn’t watch out, your life-long affection might not be far behind. I doubt it’s worth losing her greatest asset, and your good opinion, for the sake of talking about pounds, but that’s the path she’s on.
Given the pressure you’re already under, maybe it’s time to consider whether it’s healthier that your gran should be as self-sufficient as she encourages others to be. It’s rough to let an older person get on with things, I know. Presumably you help her out ‘cos you love her. You’re a good person and it’s a pity that’s not currently being rewarded.
I can also see some value to saying something like ‘gran, I really love you and I’m glad you’ve done well and are having a comfortable old age, that’s great and it’s a weight off my mind. I don’t want to see you struggle with your daily arrangements and I want to help you. I don’t know if you know this but I’m not doing so well right now. Despite the fact I can’t work any harder than I am, at the moment I’m barely able to pay my bills. So though I am happy to be here for you as a helper, I’m just not the right person to come to for discussions about what to do with large sums of money.’
Boundaries aren’t a bad thing, sometimes we all need to set boundaries. 84 is late to learn about how to interact decently with other humans but it’s not impossible.