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Original poster

Sick of my grandmother and all her money

409 replies

TetherEndOfMy · 08/02/2023 08:42

Went to see my grandmother last night. She's in her mid 80s and constantly talks about how much money she has. I am a lone parent struggling to pay my bills and childcare. Every time I see her she asks 'how are you coping with paying bills?' and talks about how awful the cost of living crisis is for people like me. I never raise the topic of money. Last night she then continued on to talk about the two houses she needs to sell which will hopefully see £600k into her savings, and was talking about 200k she had 'lying around' and needed to put into some kind of investment. She then went on to ask me about which charities I 'recommend' she donates to when she dies as she wants to give most of her money away. Today I have phoned to tell her I'm busy and can't drop her shopping round as I feel like she is taunting me. I DO NOT expect her to give me money, I just hate the way she is so tone deaf. She's completely switched on at 84 years old and seems to think I'm some poor hopeless person. Anyway. I just needed to get that off my chest as I am facing having a pre payment meter fitted and am struggling not to cry into my Cereal.

OP posts:
Idontknownemore · 08/02/2023 09:52

I have exactly the same predicament! With my Grandad and my dad! My dad actually watched me fill out food bank forms at one point in my life 🙃 my grandad watched my 2 year old struggle and was completely immobile with a broken femur in a full hip to toe spica cast and us unable to afford a temp wheelchair to take them out (NHS don’t lend wheelchairs to toddlers in my trust and his pram wasnt wide enough for the cast) and sat there saying what a shame he has to stay that way for 6 weeks 😞 Yet boasts every time I see him that he spends hundreds a week on nights out (he’s a massive social drinker) and how well off he is and I watch my dad lavish his GF who’s younger than me on posh cars, jewellery, all inclusive holidays yet buys my dc second hand toys for their birthdays (both my dad and grandad do this! Odd as they’re not father and son but ex sil/fil). I just distance myself and have very low expectations and prepare myself for when I see them that I will feel pretty shite for a couple of days.

TheLostGiraffe · 08/02/2023 09:54

That's absolutely shocking that she is so well off and happy to see you struggle. I can't imagine being in her position and not insisting on helping children and grandchildren financially, quite aside from her insensitivity (to put it politely). She does not sound like a nice person, OP.

Namechangethisonetime · 08/02/2023 09:57

I’ve noticed with some older generations they seem to really embrace the opinion of “well I struggled, so everyone else should, too”

Not making a sweeping generalisation- I’m not there are many who are helpful, supportive, etc. Unfortunately though this has very much been my experience. It’s such a toxic hangover of the “we had it so hard” mentality.
If her behaviour is having a negative impact on you, can you dial back your involvement a bit? You don’t need to feel kicked when you’re down, whatever her intentions. Are there other family members able to run errands for her, do shopping etc? Surely her own children are of an age where they have the time to provide her care, run errands, etc- they’ll not be raising young children.

Intrepidescape · 08/02/2023 09:58

TetherEndOfMy · 08/02/2023 08:46

Nope, won't happen. She believes people should earn their money and not ask for 'handouts'. She's talked about her friends who have 'entitled grandchildren' asking them for money and has told me she's glad I'm not like this. I need to cut her off but the guilt of her being round the corner and not being particularly well always gets me.

Show quote history

So she hasn’t done her will yet?

Set up a trust and put you as its beneficiary. Suggest your grandma give the money to the trust before her death. Tell her the trust is for single mothers to help with the cost of living. Just don’t tell her you’re the single mother.

Your grandma is awful and she is using you - but won’t even help you out financially.

You want money you’re going to have to think like a rich person and be utterly ruthless.

windmill26 · 08/02/2023 09:59

Dishwashersaurous · 08/02/2023 08:45

That's really tough.

Either she is ignorant about how she is being or she's doing it on purpose.

I would simply say to her that she will need to pay someone to drop her shopping and whatever jobs you do for her. And that you can't do it because you need to work to pay the bills.

This!
She knows exactly what she is doing...my mother is the exact same.
Time to keep your distance.Someone else will have to run after her,family,friends or she can pay to get help. Don't be her doormat,you deserve better!

Intrepidescape · 08/02/2023 10:00

Idontknownemore · 08/02/2023 09:52

I have exactly the same predicament! With my Grandad and my dad! My dad actually watched me fill out food bank forms at one point in my life 🙃 my grandad watched my 2 year old struggle and was completely immobile with a broken femur in a full hip to toe spica cast and us unable to afford a temp wheelchair to take them out (NHS don’t lend wheelchairs to toddlers in my trust and his pram wasnt wide enough for the cast) and sat there saying what a shame he has to stay that way for 6 weeks 😞 Yet boasts every time I see him that he spends hundreds a week on nights out (he’s a massive social drinker) and how well off he is and I watch my dad lavish his GF who’s younger than me on posh cars, jewellery, all inclusive holidays yet buys my dc second hand toys for their birthdays (both my dad and grandad do this! Odd as they’re not father and son but ex sil/fil). I just distance myself and have very low expectations and prepare myself for when I see them that I will feel pretty shite for a couple of days.

Why do you see them at all? They are nasty!!

croupy · 08/02/2023 10:04

Time for a talk… hope it goes ok and she backs off. And ideally has the grace to help you out! I couldn’t see my family go without like this.

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 08/02/2023 10:04

I couldn't help out a relative that could watch me struggle while telling me they will leave everything to charity. Fuck her, she can employ carers and have her money keep her company.

Step back and find more paying work.

And absolutely tell her why.

KatherineJaneway · 08/02/2023 10:05

Is she trying to punish you for a choice you've made she disagreed with i.e. a career decision you made etc?

Namechangethisonetime · 08/02/2023 10:05

Conkersinautumn · 08/02/2023 08:49

Is she one of those truly bizarre people who will only help if you ask and is weirdly goading you into asking? Tell her straight she's in her 80s, she can handle it. Gran, you need to stop taunting me, yes money is really tight and I'm struggling. It's difficult to hear about how you're finding being wealthy. I don't want money to come between us type chat.

No doubt someone will point out that a loss of appropriate boundaries in conversation can be a sign of dementia, but that probably isn't relevant!

Oh, I have one of those in my in-laws. “We’re always here to help” yet would never, ever, think of offering from the viewpoint that we as parents might need a break, some support, etc. You have to go with your cap in your hand, and half the time it’s “oh we’re away that day” (drinking in the next town)

Needless to say, we never ask. I honestly think my MIL gets an ego boost anytime we do ask (about 2x year, usually for someone’s wedding!) as we then need her.

Blessedwithsunshine · 08/02/2023 10:06

You are being played like a fiddle.

If she is so wealthy she can easily pay for care and visits, instead she gets her kicks from winding you up. It’s entertaining for certain types of people. She will enjoy the power she has over you. Drop the guilt and be strong and put a stop to this, she will have more respect for you.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 08/02/2023 10:09

Hugsgalore · 08/02/2023 09:48

Could this be her way of testing that you are not an “entitled grandchild”?

I was wondering this. If so it doesn't show her in a much better light. Sorry if I've missed this but do your parents visit her too and is she the same with them?

AxolotlEars · 08/02/2023 10:10

Every time she mentions money just break in and say "I don't want to talk about money" Have a think about what you are going to do if she ignores you? In my particular situation I had to tell my Mum's mum that I wouldn't discuss my Dad with her, as they had separated. She was fairly persistent and in the end I had to say "I want to spend time with you but if you carry on asking about him I am going to have to leave" She got the message and didn't do it again. I understand why she was doing it because she was hurting for my mum but I couldn't cope with the conversation and it would have been fuel on the raging fire!

You may need to think of some topics to change the conversation's direction!

Is she bored? Life can get pretty narrow at different times in our life. Does she do it to other people?

Idontknownemore · 08/02/2023 10:14

@Intrepidescape im not sure in all honesty, contact is low, I think I do it for my dc, the kids love their company. My Mum is very similar, banged on about inheritance for god knows how long, met current partner and made me sign over any inheritance to him out of the blue, I did it and LC with her too. I just realised these people are odd and have serious control issues and I try and see them as just acquaintances and they don’t owe me anything anymore to ease the pain.

Aposterhasnoname · 08/02/2023 10:14

Well if she’s still sharp then tell her straight. “Gran. I’m really struggling for money right now and you saying this just feels like you’re taunting me, please can we change the subject”

If she doesn’t then she’s just plain nasty and you can go NC without guilt

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 10:15

Why are you helping her out when she’s rolling in it OP ? She can well afford to buy in care privately if she needed it - or at least a home help to run errands. I would tell her she needs to do this because you are sick of helping her out and having to listen to her bragging about her wealth while you are struggling. I’d also be really tempted to tell her you hope she gets the best price for her properties because the likelihood is that she’s going to need it to pay for a care home in the not too distant future. Nasty piece of work.

JudgeRudy · 08/02/2023 10:16

I guess that sensible answer would be to distance yourself from this woman however the naughty side of me wants you to have a few pops back....passive aggressively of course. You see you have what she really wants....youth! Tell her you're thinking about colouring your hair, how lucky you are to have thick glossy hair. Remark at the odd trend for people dying their hair grey. Shod wanna look like an old woman👵.
Anyway, can't stop, off to gym. Gotta look after my body. BTW grandma, how is your arthritis.
Saw these in Tescos. They've had really good reviews and will keep you dry. Also got a deodoriser in them to contract the urine smell. Mind you gran, you tend to use palma violet/lily of the valley bath salts for that.
Oh I went to a lively wedding recently and they had beautiful flowers. What would you like gran at your funeral?

brogueish · 08/02/2023 10:17

I wonder if she's feeling vulnerable and "old", and is deliberately talking about her money to reassure herself that she still has some status and relevance in the world. Otherwise it sounds really cruel. My father is the same, totally disinterested in anything to do with me or my family really, but with him I think he's just desperatelky clinging on to his sense of self-worth.

Are there other family members that visit her?

Wrinklefree · 08/02/2023 10:17

underneaththeash · 08/02/2023 08:44

Tell her - gran I'm really struggling, could one of the charities you give your money to, be me please.

This!!

saraclara · 08/02/2023 10:20

“Gran. I’m really struggling for money right now and you saying this just feels like you’re taunting me, please can we change the subject”

100% that. Clear and to the point.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 08/02/2023 10:21

She sounds deliberately toxic.

Nudity · 08/02/2023 10:23

If she believes family shouldn’t expect handouts I guess she can order her groceries to be delivered then.

DanseAvecLesLoup · 08/02/2023 10:23

Set up a registered charity yourself, tell granny this particular charity does an amazing job saving depressed donkeys/penguin land mine victims/amputee octopus or whatever and recommend she donates £200k to that.

Thenewsisnext · 08/02/2023 10:26

My DF is just the same, I just don't see him anymore tbh.

Bard6817 · 08/02/2023 10:26

Shunkleisshiny · 08/02/2023 08:54

There is a list of how much the big bosses of the large charities earn. Print it off and say "There you go Gran pick which charities you want to leave your money to".

I left the charity sector because of this.

Wasn’t even a large charity….

Was owned by two well known organisations, every board meeting was a fight to keep the charity funds in the charity. (because it’s fraud if you dont). Eventually they replaced the ceo because he wouldn’t let them abuse the funds. New ceo, and i knew they had a puppet so i left too. But, yup, even within the charity it was bad, excessive salaries, big cars, bonuses, pension top ups, stupid pay rises, lots of overnights at exclusive hotels.

There were some great people there, but the top tier were all crooks working for other crooks in the end. Fantastic virtuesignalling, but pull back the veil and it was evil and corrupt.

I came into contact with other charity workers from other organisations, it was little different. Large or small. Made me rather sad. Now i see the word ‘charity’ and i think ‘corrupt’.

I will never give another penny to one. Nowadays i help people, not companies limited by guarantee with charitable status. It’s the biggest con in town, makes bankers look innocent.