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Original poster

Sick of my grandmother and all her money

409 replies

TetherEndOfMy · 08/02/2023 08:42

Went to see my grandmother last night. She's in her mid 80s and constantly talks about how much money she has. I am a lone parent struggling to pay my bills and childcare. Every time I see her she asks 'how are you coping with paying bills?' and talks about how awful the cost of living crisis is for people like me. I never raise the topic of money. Last night she then continued on to talk about the two houses she needs to sell which will hopefully see £600k into her savings, and was talking about 200k she had 'lying around' and needed to put into some kind of investment. She then went on to ask me about which charities I 'recommend' she donates to when she dies as she wants to give most of her money away. Today I have phoned to tell her I'm busy and can't drop her shopping round as I feel like she is taunting me. I DO NOT expect her to give me money, I just hate the way she is so tone deaf. She's completely switched on at 84 years old and seems to think I'm some poor hopeless person. Anyway. I just needed to get that off my chest as I am facing having a pre payment meter fitted and am struggling not to cry into my Cereal.

OP posts:
SinisterIslandRoundabout · 09/02/2023 07:35

ABigSpot · 08/02/2023 08:49

We'll just be honest. Say to her that if she keeps talking about money you aren't going to be around as much. That while you are pleased for her you are genuinely struggling and that you need hers to be a pleasant place to be not somewhere where you are always reminded of what you don't have. If you must, reassert you aren't asking for money, just some compassion in what she discusses.

Then if she can't do it you've given her fair warning, no need to feel guilty, and back you step.

This.

Chicca1970 · 09/02/2023 07:49

@TetherEndOfMy

What a witch.

I agree with what a previous poster said - stop helping her out - tell her you need to WORK TO EARN and also tell her to pay for her extra help.

If I had that sort of money, assisting my family and friends would be my first thought.

Nowdontmakeamess · 09/02/2023 07:51

SomersetDreams · 09/02/2023 07:08

Be hnest with her. Tell her you want to sart a business and she can help and for security for your child. Keep doing her shopping and advising her on things. You are lucky to have a grandmother and its only when you lost family you realise how silly things we worry about are.

Or you regret all the time you wasted on someone who didn’t appreciate it.

neurodiverge · 09/02/2023 07:54

Is she lonely and insecure, and trying to make you keep her company / keep her in your life by dangling an inheritance bait in front of you?

Twillow · 09/02/2023 08:01

Can see both points of view here to be honest.
Though how did she accrue all this money, did she personally work for all of it?
It's harsh to cut her off over it, but I do think you should tell her that you don't want to hear her talk about how well off she is when you are struggling.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/02/2023 08:21

maddening · Yesterday 09:23
I would say " you know I am struggling, I understand your view on not helping family and accept that, however your constantly boasting about money when you know how hard my life is is really unpleasant and if you carry on I can't be around you as it is very upsetting for me.

^^this. Plus I’d add the other suggestion that as a single mother you also cannot afford the petrol to do her shopping. And that if she continues with this behaviour then you are going to bow out and she can pay for care seeing as she has so much money. Tbh I think I’d do that anyway. Say that when you visit you want to just spend time with her like other grandchildren would do and not be her carer, so that’s what you want to do from now.

Dibbydoos · 09/02/2023 08:25

Dishwashersaurous · 08/02/2023 08:45

That's really tough.

Either she is ignorant about how she is being or she's doing it on purpose.

I would simply say to her that she will need to pay someone to drop her shopping and whatever jobs you do for her. And that you can't do it because you need to work to pay the bills.

I agree with this advice OP.

How awful for you :(

I wonder what she'd do if she knew the situ you're in do you ever tell her honestly?

Good luck, things won't always be like this x

Gawpygertie · 09/02/2023 08:31

I don't understand people leaving money to charity unless their dc are wealthy.
My experience of charities is that they pester executors for money with no sensitivity at all.
I have 2 standing orders for a small amount which goes to charity every month.
Far better to help now surely while I can afford it.

ilovesushi · 09/02/2023 08:45

@Japril my in laws do this. Make some generous offer but always in front of the kids and DH. DH will do this effusive excessive thanking them, tell the kids to thank them then I am expected to buy the thing with my money and the money will never materialise or only after lots of blunt asking and I'm out of pocket. They do it with Christmas presents and birthday presents. I have stopped now as its such a pattern and it stretches me financially. They just love getting all the thanks and praise but can't follow through with the purchase. It's like it's paid off for them they got what they wanted, so why bother actually doing what they were thanked for. My blood actually boils when DH asks if I thanked his parents for something when all they did is make the offer and I paid. Feel annoyed just writing about it!

Eleganz · 09/02/2023 08:49

ilovesushi · 09/02/2023 08:45

@Japril my in laws do this. Make some generous offer but always in front of the kids and DH. DH will do this effusive excessive thanking them, tell the kids to thank them then I am expected to buy the thing with my money and the money will never materialise or only after lots of blunt asking and I'm out of pocket. They do it with Christmas presents and birthday presents. I have stopped now as its such a pattern and it stretches me financially. They just love getting all the thanks and praise but can't follow through with the purchase. It's like it's paid off for them they got what they wanted, so why bother actually doing what they were thanked for. My blood actually boils when DH asks if I thanked his parents for something when all they did is make the offer and I paid. Feel annoyed just writing about it!

Are you clear with your husband that they never pay up?

Eleganz · 09/02/2023 08:56

OP, if she is rich then she can pay a carer to get her shopping and run around after you. If she wants to taunt you about her wealth why are you allowing her to exploit you for some free labour.

Perhaps not cut her off but just do visits and not chores.

Sadly I've also experienced older female relatives being nasty with me too. I had a great aunty (now dead) who had some pretty fixed views about marriage and was clearly unimpressed that I had both got divorced (after ex cheated on me) and the did not get married again before having children with my partner. She would generally make snide comments and also referred to her money on occasions (which was actually mostly her husband's private pension). I can be a pretty blunt person and when it got too much once just said "I neither asked for or need your opinion on my life" which prompted a bit of awkward silence and less nastiness to me afterwards although I think my mum just ended up getting it more in the neck as a result sadly.

My view though is life is too short to surround yourself with people who make you feel shit about yourself.

Kendodd · 09/02/2023 08:57

Tell her you can't come see her/do jobs for her anymore because you've had to get a second job. Tell her your working for a lovely old lady doing her shopping and helping her out and how much this woman appreciates her and pays her really well.

ilovesushi · 09/02/2023 08:58

Oh yes! There are times I have sent him round to their house and got him to practically frog march them to a cash point. But of course then I look like the baddy. He doesn't get it at all. He has complete faith that they will pay up eventually, whereas I don't think I should have pay anything if it is their gift and their offer. When DS joined scouts I was going to buy the shirt and nothing else but the in laws insisted they would pay for the whole kit - fancy belt, leather woggle, trousers, new necker everything. The whole reason I was only getting the shirt was it was all I could afford. I kept asking for the money in advance, didn't get it, naively went ahead and got the whole kit and never saw the money. I think I made DH pay me back in the end. That wasn't the biggest purchase but it was the last. Now I just say no thanks no thanks on repeat. If they really wanted to they could just go and buy it themselves.

ilovesushi · 09/02/2023 08:58

I was replying to @Eleganz in case that was confusing! 😅

Moveoverdarlin · 09/02/2023 08:58

Don’t get on the wrong side of her. Bite your tongue. I had a relative who said for the last 20years that she was leaving everything to the dogs home. She didn’t, she was very generous to family. She’s testing you. Play the game, don’t ask for a loan or handouts but next time she’s talking about the cost of living say ‘I’ve just put £80 in the car for fuel, electricity was £460 this month, and ooh Granny, do you know that Clark’s school shoes are now £50? Oh it’s terrible granny.’ If you help her out with shopping, she come good in the end.

BeginningToLookALotLike · 09/02/2023 08:59

Sounds like a lot of money has come her way simply from owning two properties - does she rent them out? She can't have it both ways, either she helps you out financially or she hires someone to do all her shopping, etc, for her. She is being cheap.

TrudyProud · 09/02/2023 09:01

@TetherEndOfMy why do you feel guilty for stopping seeing you when she has no qualm watching you and your DC struggling.
Personally, id remind her charity starts at home. If she doesn't want to help you she can set up educational trusts for the grandkids or for housing.

Tbf I'm petty. If I was struggling I'd stop visiting her . If she misses me and the kids she can pay for our time given she wants to spend money on herself so badly. She sounds like a crank and if she's lonely it's get own doing.

Nutmegger · 09/02/2023 09:01

Every time she brings up her money give her an analysis about why she has lots of money and why you don't. Generally the rich person has been luckier . If this is the case she needs to be reminded of this all the time

Eleganz · 09/02/2023 09:03

ilovesushi · 09/02/2023 08:58

Oh yes! There are times I have sent him round to their house and got him to practically frog march them to a cash point. But of course then I look like the baddy. He doesn't get it at all. He has complete faith that they will pay up eventually, whereas I don't think I should have pay anything if it is their gift and their offer. When DS joined scouts I was going to buy the shirt and nothing else but the in laws insisted they would pay for the whole kit - fancy belt, leather woggle, trousers, new necker everything. The whole reason I was only getting the shirt was it was all I could afford. I kept asking for the money in advance, didn't get it, naively went ahead and got the whole kit and never saw the money. I think I made DH pay me back in the end. That wasn't the biggest purchase but it was the last. Now I just say no thanks no thanks on repeat. If they really wanted to they could just go and buy it themselves.

Sounds like you've got a bit of a DH problem there as well.

Aleaiactaest · 09/02/2023 09:16

Some old people are not very nice, some young people are also not very nice.

I have seen this kind of thing happen before. Old rich person actually looks down on younger, poorer person and considers her less and considers that lesser person should look after them, because they are lesser. If that is the case I would cut ties gradually and just say you are having lots of money struggles and need to work overtime. I have also seen rich people leave all their money to another rich and successful person in the family, rather than those who would have needed it. Because they respect the rich person in the family more.

Even if she is just playing games OP to test you, it is cruel. Neither of my grandmothers would have done this. The opposite would have been the case, they would have given me everything they could if I were struggling as a single mum. That is what a kind grandmother who has empathy would do.

I would speak openly to her about all of this and how her behaviour hurts you and undermines your confidence and how you have to be strong for your children.

speakout · 09/02/2023 09:25

I wouldn't ask her for money- that would leave you indebted to her and on the back foor.
I would be cutting contact though- and certainly wouldn't be doing her shopping.
If she has money then she can pay someone to do her shopping or order online.

Bearlady · 09/02/2023 12:56

I have had this issue my parents obsessed over saving money. They stinted themselves and others I found it weird. They actually had a lot but couldn't seem to see it. They knew I was struggling when I had to move far away with no job/childcare which I used to have. I once asked for a bit of help even before I left and was offered a fiver. When I said don't worry they took it back. I knew they didn't care and got very tired of hearing how poor they were. They would gladly tell people that too but I was the one who really was. Apparently they kept saving for nursing home fees which I understood. In the end they never made it there and passed away. Very sad as they weren't able to enjoy what they could have.

gumball37 · 09/02/2023 13:37

So how did she earn her money?

Ineedaduvetday · 09/02/2023 14:50

KatherineJaneway · 08/02/2023 10:05

Is she trying to punish you for a choice you've made she disagreed with i.e. a career decision you made etc?

OP? @TetherEndOfMy

Good question

ifIwerenotanandroid · 09/02/2023 14:56

Moveoverdarlin · 09/02/2023 08:58

Don’t get on the wrong side of her. Bite your tongue. I had a relative who said for the last 20years that she was leaving everything to the dogs home. She didn’t, she was very generous to family. She’s testing you. Play the game, don’t ask for a loan or handouts but next time she’s talking about the cost of living say ‘I’ve just put £80 in the car for fuel, electricity was £460 this month, and ooh Granny, do you know that Clark’s school shoes are now £50? Oh it’s terrible granny.’ If you help her out with shopping, she come good in the end.

There's no guarantee of this. I'd say do what's best for you & your family now.