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Original poster

Sick of my grandmother and all her money

409 replies

TetherEndOfMy · 08/02/2023 08:42

Went to see my grandmother last night. She's in her mid 80s and constantly talks about how much money she has. I am a lone parent struggling to pay my bills and childcare. Every time I see her she asks 'how are you coping with paying bills?' and talks about how awful the cost of living crisis is for people like me. I never raise the topic of money. Last night she then continued on to talk about the two houses she needs to sell which will hopefully see £600k into her savings, and was talking about 200k she had 'lying around' and needed to put into some kind of investment. She then went on to ask me about which charities I 'recommend' she donates to when she dies as she wants to give most of her money away. Today I have phoned to tell her I'm busy and can't drop her shopping round as I feel like she is taunting me. I DO NOT expect her to give me money, I just hate the way she is so tone deaf. She's completely switched on at 84 years old and seems to think I'm some poor hopeless person. Anyway. I just needed to get that off my chest as I am facing having a pre payment meter fitted and am struggling not to cry into my Cereal.

OP posts:
BeginningToLookALotLike · 09/02/2023 18:54

danblack87 · 09/02/2023 16:34

I love my 84 year old father and I visit and help him because I wish to -- I am not interested in what money he has and I do not know what is in his Will or how much his house is worth - just simply I love my father and if he left me nothing he will have left me memories and time spent together, I do not like this post ... no-one, not anybody is ENTITLED. The choice is of the person that you love.

But it doesn't sound like your father goes out of his way to boast about things he has that he knows you don't and can't have. The OP's family member does and so the situation is very different from yours.

DMW60 · 09/02/2023 18:55

Dishwashersaurous · 08/02/2023 08:49

Does she also perhaps not approve of your life choices as well.

You have two choices.

  1. Don't see her
  2. If she mentions money then every single time change the topic of conversation. "I don't want to talk about that, as you know I am financially struggling, you will need to ask someone better placed. So what did you think of Happy Valley." And repeat

I agree with 2 here. Let her know you are struggling and change subject.

Shortpoet · 09/02/2023 18:58

Eightiesgirl · 08/02/2023 10:29

We have the same things with FIL. He is absolutely loaded, he literally has thousands just sat in his current account, yet my dh, his son, is disabled and cannot work, we have struggled financially over the last 4 years, dh losing his job through Ill health, me giving up work to be his full time carer, having to sell our home to survive etc Also, our ds, his only grandchild is in uni and typically student poor. I know its FILs money and it's his choice but a small handout would be much appreciated. Instead, he tuts about student debt, the cost of living, asks us how on earth we all manage, he'd hate to be in our position etc whilst handing over his bank card at church every Sunday (yes, forget the collection plate, its been replaced by a card machine). Then if tradespeople call he tips them and taxi drivers massively. I go round at least 3 times a week, do his cleaning, sort out his meals, sort his admin, appointments etc give him lifts, bring him back here for tea one day a week. A couple of hundred quid would make a massive difference to our lives but I darent ask him, it makes me determined to always help out my son, future grandchildren, if I can afford it.

Why on earth are you going you FIL cleaning when he can afford to pay and you are also caring for your husband?

Tell him the going rate for a cleaner in your area and he can either pay a stranger to do it or pay you. Include the hours you do other caring tasks too.

If he won’t pay you fine. You can go and do those things paid for someone else. He can sort himself out.

He clearly doesn’t value all the time you are giving him. He’s happy to take from your family time, energy and earning potential. Ask for what you want.

GoodEnough1 · 09/02/2023 18:59

The biggest joy in life is helping your loved ones when they are struggling, and being lucky enough to be able to do so. I will never understand the attitude of people like your grandmother

DMW60 · 09/02/2023 18:59

Yants · 08/02/2023 09:18

I've got a 72 year old Aunt just the same, constantly making references as to how she's got more money than she knows what to do with (in the region of £700k savings and ongoing pension income of around £40k a year and 3 properties)

She does live a very frugal lifestyle despite her vast wealth and has increasingly poor mobility with numerous age related issues.

Whenever I do any shopping for her she'll make me out a cheque for the exact amount it costs down to the penny... nothing for the 30 mile round trip or my time going to the supermarket.

Does occasionally ask me if I ever need to borrow any money I've only got to ask... gee thanks.

The only other younger relative she has is a much younger brother who has always been a workshy waster, sponger and irresponsible spendthrift, he lives 150 miles away and only bothers to visit her when he wants more money, yet she dotes on him like a son and must have already given him tens of thousands over the years and I'm certain he'll inherit her entire estate when the time comes.

I’d charge her petrol money.

MissMarplesbag · 09/02/2023 19:01

DMW60 · 09/02/2023 18:59

I’d charge her petrol money.

Show quote history

I'd actua8emcpurage her to order her shopping online, she can pay for her deliveries.

BooneyBeautiful · 09/02/2023 19:01

Mindymomo · 08/02/2023 08:55

My father in law was like this, when I did his shopping around £40 he would offer £25. I soon told him it cost £40 and gave him the receipt. He did leave us everything in his will though. Can you claim carers allowance if you are doing things for her, she may get attendance allowance but that would be paid to her. It’s a shame she thinks like she does, but I expect she’s not alone.

Doesn't sound like the grandmother is frail/poorly enough to claim Attendance Allowance and even if she does, OP wouldn't be able to claim Carers Allowance unless her take home pay is less than £135, plus officially she would need to be caring for at least 35 hours a week.

Blossomtoes · 09/02/2023 19:03

Someone in their mid 80s is pretty much guaranteed to get attendance allowance but how would it help? It would just add to her existing wealth.

Misty333 · 09/02/2023 19:05

I agree tell her you will show her how to do her shopping online as you have taken on extra hours to pay the bills so won’t have any spare time.

Hmm1234 · 09/02/2023 19:10

Is she waiting for you to ask her for money. If I was in the same position I’d tell her straight you’re struggling and ask if she could help you. You can’t get mad at her when you haven’t even asked yet!

cherish123 · 09/02/2023 19:11

YANBU

Newnamenewname109870 · 09/02/2023 19:19

Next time she brings it up I’d politely but firmly say “gran I really don’t want to talk about all this money when I’m struggling financially right now”. Then move on the topic.

It might be she hasn’t quite realised how she’s making you feel or how serious it is.

NellieJean · 09/02/2023 19:19

I’m late fifties with parents in law who are pretty well off.
Didnt inherit a bean from my late parents and a far as DHs parents are concerned they can leave us something if they like. It would be very much appreciated as we are ok but not rich. If they choose to leave everything to a dogs home I’d be disappointed but get over it pretty quickly.
TBH I’m amazed at the transactional relationship many people have with older relatives. “I’ll come and visit you provided you leave me your house”
Lovely.
Feel free to pile on.

Benjispruce4 · 09/02/2023 19:20

I don’t see why you need to cut her off. You say you don’t expect a handoff but then can’t bear to see her because she’s not giving you a handout.🤔
I would just point out that you are struggling and so find it difficult to hear her talk of money so can you just steer clear of that topic of conversation. Can you not enjoy time together with your grandmother without discussing money? Can you go out for a walk or just enjoy time together?

Morganrae1 · 09/02/2023 19:21

Words fail me. My nan would have sold her soul to help me and my family. I think you need an honest conversation though. Tell her you are struggling and could do with "earning" some extra money. Suggest maybe she pays you for the time you spend doing things for her. Not for general visits obviously because that would seem insensitive on your part. Good luck, I hope you sort something out with her, otherwise I feel you need to be ruthless and stop helping. She'll have to pay someone else to do it for her.

RockyReef · 09/02/2023 19:21

You've described my parents. It makes for a very strained relationship in these difficult financial times. They have never been anything but very wealthy all their lives and so they cannot appreciate the situation that we are in (both husband and I have relatively senior 'good' jobs but in the public sector, so we are poorly paid). They don't do it from a place of malice, but a place of utter incomprehension (I hope). In your situation OP I would just cut your grandmother off every time she mentions money and if she queries why, just say you understand & respect that she doesn't believe in helping her family financially but that you are struggling and thus find it very difficult to discuss money with her when she could make a real and valued difference to your life but chooses not to.

WickedSerious · 09/02/2023 19:30

The woman next door to my sister is a millionaire who owns properties all over the country.
All of them are empty but when her daughter was made homeless five years ago she refused to let her rent one of them because 'that's not what they're for'.

Keeper11 · 09/02/2023 19:36

The first thing to establish, is, is she being manipulative/controlling/insensitive etc. Only you know this because she has been part of your life since you were born.
I am nearly from her generation, and we were brought up with very little. So somebody who has money to spend on hair dos, manicures, smart phones, pub meals etc, can’t really be short of money. It is possible that what ever you say, doesn’t even register with her that you are in need.
i have been desperately short of money in a family that had plenty, so I do know some people just don't get it.
I would suggest you ask for a loan, that you know you can pay back. And offer some interest AND definitely pay back on the instalment date.
When things improved for me and I was in a position to lend, I was so delighted that the first instalment was paid on time, I forgave the loan! You never know!

SueG60 · 09/02/2023 19:41

I'd probably ask her for financial help and if she said no, cut her off.

I've got grandkids and see it as part of my duty as a grandparent to try and help them where I can. Lets be honest, older people get a lot more out of interacting with their younger relatives than the other way around, she's not keeping up her end of the bargain lol

Chippy1234 · 09/02/2023 19:41

Where do these women get pensions of £40k plus ££££ in savings?

saraclara · 09/02/2023 19:41

NellieJean · 09/02/2023 19:19

I’m late fifties with parents in law who are pretty well off.
Didnt inherit a bean from my late parents and a far as DHs parents are concerned they can leave us something if they like. It would be very much appreciated as we are ok but not rich. If they choose to leave everything to a dogs home I’d be disappointed but get over it pretty quickly.
TBH I’m amazed at the transactional relationship many people have with older relatives. “I’ll come and visit you provided you leave me your house”
Lovely.
Feel free to pile on.

You seem to have entirely misread the OP.

It's not about OP wanting an inheritance from her GM. It's about her not wanting her wealthy GM to gloat about her wealth in order to rub OP's nose in it.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 09/02/2023 19:47

saraclara · 09/02/2023 19:41

You seem to have entirely misread the OP.

It's not about OP wanting an inheritance from her GM. It's about her not wanting her wealthy GM to gloat about her wealth in order to rub OP's nose in it.

Show quote history

I don't think it's @NellieJean who has misread the thread. I agree that this is the OP's dilemma but there are loads of replies suggesting that OP asks for a handout or loan, and even saying cut off contact if she refuses. which is all terrible advice!

NellieJean · 09/02/2023 19:47

Ya think?

HoneyBadger525 · 09/02/2023 19:47

Is it possible that she has written you into her will because of all the things you do for her and is actually saying these things as a test to see if you get annoyed by her leaving the money to someone else or seeing if you were expecting it to be left to you? Maybe she’s well aware of you struggling but whilst she doesn’t approve of handouts does actually appreciate the things you do for her in her own way. Sorry she’s made you feel like this. Maybe you won’t know her true feelings until it’s too late. Or perhaps she genuinely enjoys making people feel small!

SaponificationQueen · 09/02/2023 19:56

She sounds absolutely horrible. I would definitely tell her that you find her constant bragging about her money hurtful. Also let her know that you will be charging the going rate for a caretaker whenever you do errands for her. She sees you as a pushover and a verbal punching bag. Don’t put up with it. You and your child deserve much better.