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Original poster

Sick of my grandmother and all her money

409 replies

TetherEndOfMy · 08/02/2023 08:42

Went to see my grandmother last night. She's in her mid 80s and constantly talks about how much money she has. I am a lone parent struggling to pay my bills and childcare. Every time I see her she asks 'how are you coping with paying bills?' and talks about how awful the cost of living crisis is for people like me. I never raise the topic of money. Last night she then continued on to talk about the two houses she needs to sell which will hopefully see £600k into her savings, and was talking about 200k she had 'lying around' and needed to put into some kind of investment. She then went on to ask me about which charities I 'recommend' she donates to when she dies as she wants to give most of her money away. Today I have phoned to tell her I'm busy and can't drop her shopping round as I feel like she is taunting me. I DO NOT expect her to give me money, I just hate the way she is so tone deaf. She's completely switched on at 84 years old and seems to think I'm some poor hopeless person. Anyway. I just needed to get that off my chest as I am facing having a pre payment meter fitted and am struggling not to cry into my Cereal.

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 09/02/2023 14:58

Just stop seeing her. Don't be a martyr.

Restinggoddess · 09/02/2023 15:20

I think in a bizarre way older relatives think their experiences apply to your life / life in 2023. They will have had times of hardship over the years ( the 1950s and 70s were a challenge) - some of them believe if you do as they did then all will come good ie they don’t need to help
I agree with the other posts - call her out on this / reality check. The result may surprise you ( or confirm your concerns)

I would also suggest she gets some advice re her money otherwise the tax man will be doing really well, based on these figures! It would be interesting to see what she thinks to that

earsup · 09/02/2023 15:32

I think this is about some sort of control issue...my late GM [ mums side ]..was wealthy, owned about 7 houses let out, but very low rents then, and made comments about my sister only being able to afford a small flat when she got married. Ultimately, the church was left 30k, me and my sister £100 each and the rest of the cash to my mum, only one property was left by then so mum also inherited that...Ironically the biggest winner was HMRC with the inhertiance tax bill...!!...Mum distributed out the cash fairly so we could use the money as deposits for houses. GM gave one house to my mum when she got married but kept it in her name so that also was hit for the tax as part of her estate...madness !!

danblack87 · 09/02/2023 16:16

My feeling is that she is testing you to see if you are around to help her, be kind to her, visit because you wish to do so and not for any monetary gain. If she thinks you are visiting her only for monetary gain then she will cut you off. Some people are like that ... they want to feel loved and valued.

GasPanic · 09/02/2023 16:31

She's being cruel.

I would lay it on the line. Tell her you are really stuggling and that you are going to have to spend more time working/earning.

If she is happy to see you struggle and make your own way without her help, then she needs to understand that means you will have less time for her.

If she shes that as you being "grabby" and decides to cut you off, what have you lost ? Zero contact with someone who constantly throws their wealth in your face sounds good to me.

danblack87 · 09/02/2023 16:34

I love my 84 year old father and I visit and help him because I wish to -- I am not interested in what money he has and I do not know what is in his Will or how much his house is worth - just simply I love my father and if he left me nothing he will have left me memories and time spent together, I do not like this post ... no-one, not anybody is ENTITLED. The choice is of the person that you love.

9outof10cats · 09/02/2023 16:45

It is up to your gran what she does with her money. However, I find her attitude rather strange and incredibly selfish. I could never sit by and watch a family member struggle if I had the financial means to help them.

Fair enough if she was modest about her wealth, but to keep discussing money in front of you, knowing you are struggling, is incredibly insensitive.

I would stop doing her shopping for her; she can afford to pay someone to do it.

I would tell her you can no longer help her out as you cannot afford the petrol to visit her, or something similar.

1DoesNotSimplyWalkIntoMordor · 09/02/2023 17:00

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 08/02/2023 09:04

Just tell her you think it is extremely vulgar to brag about money, and extremely impertinent to ask someone else about their own financial situation. Disapprove of her. She won't know what to do with that.

I agree wholeheartedly with this.

Scarriff · 09/02/2023 17:58

I'm in favour of the honest conversation. Short and direct. Say you are unable to listen any more to her conversations about money. You are struggling as she knows and they are upsetting you. She mustn't mention any investments charities or any other financial planning if she wants you to continue to visit. In my experience some people can't hear how they sound to others. If you decide to be direct prepare to leave immediately, saying you will give her some peace to think over what you said. If she feels she can agree, to let you know, but you won't be having any argument.

The point about carers allowance is a good one.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/02/2023 18:04

danblack87 · 09/02/2023 16:34

I love my 84 year old father and I visit and help him because I wish to -- I am not interested in what money he has and I do not know what is in his Will or how much his house is worth - just simply I love my father and if he left me nothing he will have left me memories and time spent together, I do not like this post ... no-one, not anybody is ENTITLED. The choice is of the person that you love.

Surely @TetherEndOfMy is entitled to kindness and decency from her grandmother, @danblack87? It is cruel of her grandmother to boast about her wealth to the granddaughter who is helping her out, out of the goodness of her heart, and who she knows is struggling financially.

The OP isn’t saying she is entitled to any of her grandmother’s money, now or in the future - but can you not see how unpleasant it is for her to be counting every penny and only scraping by, whilst her grandmother rubs her money in the OP’s face? Why should she have to hear, over and over again, about her grandmother’s wealth?

Grrrrdarling · 09/02/2023 18:12

TetherEndOfMy · 08/02/2023 09:07

Yes she did work very hard. But so do I. I just don't make lots of money.

Show quote history

I agree with others that it is vulgar to boast about how much you have in the bank, especially when others are really struggling so in that instance she is being quite insensitive & rude but she isn’t a mind reader.
You mention that you don’t like to talk about money or finances in your post but you don’t say you’ve actually mentioned to her that you are struggling so I am assuming here that she is in the dark about your financial situation.

Next time she asks if you are struggling tell her you are & see what her reaction is. Personally if I had that sort of money & a family member was helping me out with shopping & care etc I would give them money to pay for their time, travel & to say thank you.

Tessabelle74 · 09/02/2023 18:15

What a nasty old bag! Let her pay for her shopping to be delivered and cut contact. No way a decent human being puts her own flesh and blood after a bloody charity donation

Poppingmad123 · 09/02/2023 18:16

Hard to tell if she’s deliberately taunting you but she asks how you are financially so why not tell her you’re struggling? Ask her what she would do in your situation? And maybe you can ask her if she wants to employ you as a carer, cleaner, shopper, etc and pay you the going rate? You would have earned it & she also gets the help she needs so could be win-win. Ask op, you have nothing to lose.

or make a charity up with your account details 😇🤣

Grayson1234 · 09/02/2023 18:16

Tell her you need to work as you can't carry on struggling and she will have to sort her own shopping out. And if she shows off just say if you want to pay me then i won't need to work and leave the ball in her court . She will panic and if she agrees charge her 15/20 per hr don't let her take advantage. she sounds like a tight fisted old bugger who is taunting you and yes change the subject every time she braggs

SilentHedges · 09/02/2023 18:24

OopsAnotherOne · 08/02/2023 10:56

This would get my back up OP. If she believes that everyone should work for every penny they have and if someone's struggling it's because they're not working hard enough, alongside the fact she likes to rub her wealth in your face, I'd tell her that as much as you love spending time with her you can't do so any more. The cost of living crisis she knows so much about is meaning you're struggling more and more to pay your bills and as she's always told you that no one should ever be helped with money, you're taking her advice and getting another job. You'll no longer have time to attend to her, help her with shopping, take her places etc.

You don't have to get a second job of course, just spend the time relaxing, focusing on you. It's just a fantastic excuse as to why you no longer have to spend time with a lady who seems to get some weird thrill over explaining how well off she is to someone who hasn't got as much money as her in the bank. Either she'll understand, after all your suggestion follows her ethos, and leave you to it or she might be upset and annoyed that you can no longer see her and suggest giving you some of her money to take the strain off your bills (the same bills she always asks you about). Either way, the cards are then in your hands to have as much or as little contact with her to keep your mental health from being impacted by her vile bragging.

@OopsAnotherOne THIS. Perfect. I have a similar issue with a loaded goady family member, I may explain in another reply. My response generally to their requests to family gettogethers, expensive holidays we wouldnt choose to go on that we're all expected to part fund, or long drives to various events in my old car is "unfortunately I simply cannot afford to do XYZ with you, but do have a lovely time". Which isn't entirely untrue BTW.

I find it mindblowing that wealthy relatives, given the choice between spending additional time with loved ones by giving them financial assistance or hoarding cash and taking it to the grave, while watching loved ones struggle, some people choose the latter. Oh well...

LakieLady · 09/02/2023 18:27

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 08/02/2023 09:04

Just tell her you think it is extremely vulgar to brag about money, and extremely impertinent to ask someone else about their own financial situation. Disapprove of her. She won't know what to do with that.

I was going to suggest going down the "vulgar" route, but also suggest pointing out that it's really tactless to brag about money to someone like the OP, who is struggling and really has to watch the pennies.

mylifestory · 09/02/2023 18:28

Dishwashersaurous · 08/02/2023 08:45

That's really tough.

Either she is ignorant about how she is being or she's doing it on purpose.

I would simply say to her that she will need to pay someone to drop her shopping and whatever jobs you do for her. And that you can't do it because you need to work to pay the bills.

This!

PeachyPeachTrees · 09/02/2023 18:32

Tell her you haven't got time to visit any more as you've had to take on extra hours to make ends meet!

AllyArty · 09/02/2023 18:35

Just say to her ‘granny I’m delighted that you have plenty of money but I don’t and it’s a huge worry for me so can you please stop bringing it up in conversation when i visit’.

Kennykenkencat · 09/02/2023 18:36

danblack87 · 09/02/2023 16:34

I love my 84 year old father and I visit and help him because I wish to -- I am not interested in what money he has and I do not know what is in his Will or how much his house is worth - just simply I love my father and if he left me nothing he will have left me memories and time spent together, I do not like this post ... no-one, not anybody is ENTITLED. The choice is of the person that you love.

Does he brag about all the money he has every time you visit and how he is not leaving you a penny whilst you are struggling to make ends meet.

Does he expect you to look after him for not even the price of a pleasant conversation.

AliceOlive · 09/02/2023 18:38

TetherEndOfMy · 08/02/2023 08:46

Nope, won't happen. She believes people should earn their money and not ask for 'handouts'. She's talked about her friends who have 'entitled grandchildren' asking them for money and has told me she's glad I'm not like this. I need to cut her off but the guilt of her being round the corner and not being particularly well always gets me.

Show quote history

She would be hearing from me about my friends whose grandparents know they are struggling but like to talk nonstop about the piles of money they are sitting on. “So glad you are not so unkind as to behave like that toward me, Gran.”

creamwitheverything · 09/02/2023 18:40

I might be tempted to mention how you would love to have her problems regarding finances.(sarkiy)

MarvellousMonsters · 09/02/2023 18:44

"Nope, won't happen. She believes people should earn their money and not ask for 'handouts' "

Did she earn all this money herself? With her bare hands, grafted and saved etc? Or are they inherited?

Chippy1234 · 09/02/2023 18:49

Where did she get her money from? It’s unlikely that she will have had a job that pays £££ bearing in mind her age. Women of that age tended not to work or only part time. Wonder if she inherited it?

SilentHedges · 09/02/2023 18:50

danblack87 · 09/02/2023 16:34

I love my 84 year old father and I visit and help him because I wish to -- I am not interested in what money he has and I do not know what is in his Will or how much his house is worth - just simply I love my father and if he left me nothing he will have left me memories and time spent together, I do not like this post ... no-one, not anybody is ENTITLED. The choice is of the person that you love.

Thankfully your post is practically alone in accusing the OP of being "entitled". You've misread the context. Would you brag to a homeless person about your new house? Eat dinner in front of a starving person? Tell someone in a wheelchair about how much you love running?

The context here is a vastly wealthy family member(the Grandmother) is telling OP, who is struggling, how much money she has which she will give away to charity, while OP will have nothing. Its sick, twisted, hurtful and OP owes it to her own mental health to remove herself from someone so toxic.