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Original poster

Sick of my grandmother and all her money

409 replies

TetherEndOfMy · 08/02/2023 08:42

Went to see my grandmother last night. She's in her mid 80s and constantly talks about how much money she has. I am a lone parent struggling to pay my bills and childcare. Every time I see her she asks 'how are you coping with paying bills?' and talks about how awful the cost of living crisis is for people like me. I never raise the topic of money. Last night she then continued on to talk about the two houses she needs to sell which will hopefully see £600k into her savings, and was talking about 200k she had 'lying around' and needed to put into some kind of investment. She then went on to ask me about which charities I 'recommend' she donates to when she dies as she wants to give most of her money away. Today I have phoned to tell her I'm busy and can't drop her shopping round as I feel like she is taunting me. I DO NOT expect her to give me money, I just hate the way she is so tone deaf. She's completely switched on at 84 years old and seems to think I'm some poor hopeless person. Anyway. I just needed to get that off my chest as I am facing having a pre payment meter fitted and am struggling not to cry into my Cereal.

OP posts:
SilentHedges · 09/02/2023 19:57

NellieJean · 09/02/2023 19:19

I’m late fifties with parents in law who are pretty well off.
Didnt inherit a bean from my late parents and a far as DHs parents are concerned they can leave us something if they like. It would be very much appreciated as we are ok but not rich. If they choose to leave everything to a dogs home I’d be disappointed but get over it pretty quickly.
TBH I’m amazed at the transactional relationship many people have with older relatives. “I’ll come and visit you provided you leave me your house”
Lovely.
Feel free to pile on.

No pile on. You've not understood the OPs post. Would you brag to someone living under a bridge about your beautiful home? Would you tell someone chronically ill about how great you're feeling? Would you go on about your new sports car to someone who can't even afford the bus? I'd hope not, but this is what the Grandmother is doing to the OP. The OP hasn't asked for money, she doesn't visit in the expectation of any money, instead she's struggling to make ends meet and finding her Grandmother's frankly vulgar goading very upsetting.

The point of this post is most of us are advising OP how to convey this to her Grandmother, while protecting her own mental health.
@NellieJean

saraclara · 09/02/2023 20:10

Fom the OP, @NellieJean

I DO NOT expect her to give me money, I just hate the way she is so tone deaf.

Arniesleftleg · 09/02/2023 20:11

@underneaththeash I agree.

CohenTree · 09/02/2023 20:14

It sounds to me like she is deliberately giving you an opening to tell her that actually, you could use the money yourself!
Don't be shy... just tell her that you are hard up and would she consider leaving something to you as an inheritance, or better yet giving it to you now when you really need it. Or even giving you a "loan" now that you will then pay back to the charity of her choosing when you're in a better financial situation.

Wotsitone · 09/02/2023 20:19

My grandmother was exactly the same ☹️ I still loved her and visited and helped her regularly right until the end but it was very jarring to listen to her talk about all her money and how she wanted to leave it to charity when she knew my husband and I who both work were scrimping and saving for a house deposit. In the end she did leave a large chunk to charity and the other large chunk to a relative who hardly ever visited her and who already owned two houses. You have my sympathy but at the end of the day she has made it plain what she plans to do. My grandma also would not have wanted to lend me a penny and one time when I really was desperate and shamefully borrowed £50 from her to repay her in two weeks I heard about it every single day until she had it back in her pocket.

oakleaffy · 09/02/2023 20:21

Peccary · 08/02/2023 09:08

This, or property now worth 10x what she paid for it

Show quote history

Absolutely this.
Property in real terms was so bloody cheap in 1970’s
House in East Sheen, Edwardian Semi, Close to Richmond Park was £10,000
Now, £2,000,000
Property was easy money
The generations who are in Eighties now had the best of everything!
It’s much, much harder now in real terms to buy property .

I think @@TetherEndOfMy ‘s grandparent is being deliberately mean.

Mrscooper13 · 09/02/2023 20:30

Personally I would tell her that you really are struggling and how sad it makes you every time you visit.

That also it makes you not want to visit her because it drains you and how much that hurts as she’s your grandma

I would also tell her that whilst you respect her wishes if she doesn’t want to talk about it then she needs to respects yours and not talk about money

The order generation are obsessed about there money and where they leave it. My nan drives me insane telling us what she’s doing with hers

Macinae · 09/02/2023 20:36

If it's not something you can look past then you have to decide whether you:

  1. stop seeing her
  2. tell her you don't wish to discuss the subject of money as it's a difficult time for you, as she is well aware of due to the fact she mentions it being hard for "people like you", and that if she continues you don't forsee a good outcome for your relationship

My late grandmother was never a very emotionally intelligent or socially aware person but she lived with us as a family from when I was a baby to when I moved out, which made it difficult. She was very passive aggressive. Once I didn't have to see her anymore I didn't, because she always made me feel bad about myself. Remember that people have to earn our time and energy.

wentworthinmate · 09/02/2023 20:52

Shunkleisshiny · 08/02/2023 08:54

There is a list of how much the big bosses of the large charities earn. Print it off and say "There you go Gran pick which charities you want to leave your money to".

Yes! And then tell her you’re off to work to do some overtime so you can by some food.

jtaeapa · 09/02/2023 20:55

Who are these weirdos swimming in money whilst their close family are struggling with bills and food? And even weirder leaving it to charity knowing she has a grandchild who would benefit massively?

OP I think you should ask her straight out for money. A handout. She has no problem asking you to be her slave. So why should you have a problem asking for a handout. Tell her what you are struggling with, that you have fuck all in the bank, that you can't afford x, y, z for your child. If she says no and tells you you're entitled, you can just say that you thought she had 200k "lying around" and that it's pretty normal for families to help out.

If I was grandma, sitting on that kind of cash, I'd buy you a bloody house!

Missingpop · 09/02/2023 20:56

She sounds an incredibly insensitive old bat; she knows exactly what she’s doing & it sounds like she’s actually enjoying it; personally I stay out of her way & id tell whichever parent she’s the mother of why!!!
It’s a form of bullying in my opinion & your better off without the selfish old cow!!

Sunriseinwonderland · 09/02/2023 21:01

What's she going to do with all that money in her mid 80s. My mother is similarly tone deaf. She said I'm not sending you a birthday present this year....no reason given, ok I couldn't care less, I have my own life and then in the next sentence comes out with the expensiveuxuries that week ad nauseum.
I personally think she's autistic because she has zero tact and just says whatever comes into her head.
I'd say to your grandmother quite sharply that you don't wish to discuss her money as your really struggling and you think its incredibly tactless. She can pay to have her shopping delivered.

sweatervest · 09/02/2023 21:01

i know someone who's told me twice this week that she's got six holidays this year. i'm getting ready to snap. so i said, after she'd told me again about all of her travels .... "so in today's episode of i'm rich, you're poor ...." and she shut up.

i got the quote thing from tiktok and it's a lifesaveer. massively sarcastic and passive aggressive but needs must.

i'd tell the old bat to listen to herself and get a grip.

Chippy1234 · 09/02/2023 21:03

Have I missed where this women got her money from. She seems to own multiple properties.

Mark19735 · 09/02/2023 21:07

She sounds horrid. I'd not feel bad at all about leaving her to see out her days all alone surrounded by her money.

SandyY2K · 09/02/2023 21:11

She sounds mean and horrible. Why doesn't she use her money to get someone else to do her shopping and keep her company.

There are some thing money can't buy......Common sense and compassion are two areas she's lacking...despite her cash.

I don't see point in having money and seeing the people you love... your family members struggling. There's a sinister wickedness about it, that I don't like at all.

Boringcookingquestion · 09/02/2023 21:11

TetherEndOfMy · 08/02/2023 08:46

Nope, won't happen. She believes people should earn their money and not ask for 'handouts'. She's talked about her friends who have 'entitled grandchildren' asking them for money and has told me she's glad I'm not like this. I need to cut her off but the guilt of her being round the corner and not being particularly well always gets me.

Show quote history

In that case, tell her you’re sick of entitled people expecting others to run around after them for free. She can use some of the money she has lying around to pay someone to do her shopping 🤷‍♀️

rainingsnoring · 09/02/2023 21:18

What an awful grandmother you have @TetherEndOfMy
I can't imagine any decent parent or grandparent gloating and bragging while another relative was in serious need.
She can pay for help with all her £££ and stand on her on two feet just as she expects you to do.

Overworkedwithadog · 09/02/2023 21:19

We're currently raising a mortgage to help our DS buy a flat. It will cost us money. We will never ask for that back. I can't imagine how these parents or grandparents are operating, but if they have significant funds which they're not willing to share ( when they don't need them), it would be a problem for me, and I would withdraw from them personally.

oakleaffy · 09/02/2023 21:29

Overworkedwithadog · 09/02/2023 21:19

We're currently raising a mortgage to help our DS buy a flat. It will cost us money. We will never ask for that back. I can't imagine how these parents or grandparents are operating, but if they have significant funds which they're not willing to share ( when they don't need them), it would be a problem for me, and I would withdraw from them personally.

Please protect your assets if your son should ever marry and divorce!
he could lose your gift completely
It happens.

GyozaGuiting · 09/02/2023 21:30

Just because she's an old lady doesn't make her a benevolent loving soul, I'm sorry Op but she sounds like a bit of a dick. My grandmother wasn't very kind either and used money as a weapon.

SilentHedges · 09/02/2023 21:33

Sometimes it doesn't matter WHY someone acts in the way they do. Analysing them, or making excuses for their behaviour I.e. they're from a certain generation, this is how they grew up, they're like this with everyone, it might not be on purpose, do they realise how toxic they are... is all irrelevant.

It's about how they make YOU feel. If they make YOU feel awful then there's no right or wrong about that, all you focus on is your own wellbeing and healing.

Soph41 · 09/02/2023 22:09

Oh my goodness this is my father too! Rolling in it, demands my time when it suits him, and then drones on and in about his cash when I barely see my kids for working all hours. Oh and he bought me a Xmas gift from a charity shop - not that I mind charity shops as I buy from them when I need something. But it’s the feeling of not being worth enough to him to get me one gift that’s not second hand. I’m starting to distance myself from him as I owe him nothing. It is hard OP but I’m trying to tell myself I deserve better, and so do you. Sending hugs.

middleoftheroadlife · 09/02/2023 22:14

OP, I get this kind of behaviour from my mum but she moans about being hard up to me (when she really isn't). I'm on my own too with 3 children and do struggle like you. Meanwhile, mum is having a big extension, new kitchen and conservatory on her newly aquired 3 bedroomed house (from a 4 bed) which is 'too small' for her. She constantly goes on about all these new projects she's having done but can't afford the taxi fare.

Pardon44 · 09/02/2023 22:15

Tell her that you don't like talking about money and that you find it vulgar. Ask her questions about her childhood, favourite places or memories.