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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No congratulations on my birth

96 replies

123qwerty321 · 07/02/2023 15:32

I've had only 1 message from a work colleague congratulating me. My baby is 4 months. Most knew I was pregnant.

I'm not really saying that everyone should be fussing over me and cooing over my baby, I think I would have just appreciated a few messages just saying 'congratulations, hope you ok'.

I think what hurts more is that 2 of my work colleagues who I thought i was particularly close to haven't even bother to message me at all. They have messaged others who have had babies but not me.

Aibu or is it just life get over it.

OP posts:

melj1213 · 07/02/2023 16:27

If you haven't contacted them or made an announcement of the birth then YABU as most people will wait until the new parents indicate they want contact before they send messages.

When someone goes off on ML then most people wouldn't contact them (unless you were friends outside of work and we're already on calling/texting terms) unless and until they announced the birth - whether on social media or asking someone to let everyone at work know. For some people it will be because they don't know the person well enough to message spontaneously, for others it will be because they don't want to intrude by demanding attention in the shape of responses to messages in the newborn stage

DestinysGrandchild · 07/02/2023 16:31

I only got messages one Id posted pictures. Most of them wouldn't have known otherwise although I would speak to them at work. It didn't bother me.

Twillow · 07/02/2023 16:33

I think in this case it's not intentional but rather out of sight out of mind. I didn't send any congratulations for a recent colleague's birth until I saw a picture on facebook. If you haven't been messaging each other over maternity leave at all then they're not close friends, merely work colleagues, who don't wish you any ill but have simply been getting on with their lives.

DestinysGrandchild · 07/02/2023 16:35

DestinysGrandchild · 07/02/2023 16:31

I only got messages one Id posted pictures. Most of them wouldn't have known otherwise although I would speak to them at work. It didn't bother me.

*once I'd posted pictures.

ShimmeringShirts · 07/02/2023 16:39

Not every workplace really cares about someone having a bab, could be that they don’t either. A few years ago we had a colleague have a baby, it wasn’t seen as an achievement needing congratulations and she only had me and one other colleague message to say congrats. The colleague that went and gained her masters got lots of congratulations from everyone though as that was seen as an achievement. Some workplaces are just different like that

DNBU · 07/02/2023 16:49

Unless they’re your actual friends not just work mates, I wouldn’t expect my colleagues to. Plus they probably don’t want to disturb.

Mariposista · 07/02/2023 18:04

Have you been in contact? Checked in? Been in to visit? Nope? Well they have work to do.

whatevenissleepanymore · 07/02/2023 18:05

I can understand why you may feel hurt by it OP. Especially if you thought you had a particularly close relationship with some of them.

The saying 'out of sight out of mind' is very true though. It's probably nothing personal, although it may seem and feel that way to you. People just have tendencies to get caught up with there own lives and forget to check in or keep in touch as often as they may have when they were seeing you on a regular basis. Try not to let it upset you!

Congratulations on your new baby.

emmathedilemma · 07/02/2023 18:21

Other than a very small number of colleagues who I socialise with outside of work I wouldn’t have a means of contacting my colleagues other than through their work email / mobile number and if they’re on maternity leave I’d assume they weren’t checking either of those!

rampila · 07/02/2023 18:30

Aw I can see why you'd be upset OP. But maybe they just don't want to bother you on mat leave? Or they don't have your phone? Maybe ask your manager if you can bring baby in or all
Go for coffee somewhere

fitzwilliamdarcy · 07/02/2023 19:27

Same as others - I wouldn’t just send a message, but if told baby was here/sent a pic I’d congratulate. It’s the centre of your world right now but for your colleagues it’s probably a fleeting thought. I’m not terribly interested in my colleagues’ babies/children. It’s not personal.

Original poster

123qwerty321 · 07/02/2023 22:54

What usually happens is people message their line manager saying 'had baby girl named xyz on Monday weight 123lb'. This Is then put onto the staff weekly briefing messages and also emailed to all to read. Everyone has access to this and would have read it. This was what I did and how I told work. I didn't message individually because I thought not everyone really cares and it just seemed odd messaging saying 'I had my baby'. I think I just thought people who wanted to know would message and check in.

I think im particularly upset by the 2 colleagues I regarded as friends that didn't because we have been close at work and even outside of work. I didn't want to make it like look like I was showing off or flashing my baby in front of people who are struggling to conceive an come across insensitive.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 07/02/2023 23:16

You thought they were friends but didn’t message them? Were they struggling to conceive?

StClare101 · 08/02/2023 00:41

But you didn’t message them so why would they message you? If they were friends you should have contacted them directly. They probably felt a bit miffed.

Johnisafckface · 08/02/2023 01:06

I would never think to congratulate anyone unprompted. If we happened to chat via text or on the phone and if I remembered or the baby was brought up I would say congratulations. But usually it doesn’t cross my mind, I’m more likely to ask about an illness or tragedy.

Funkyblues101 · 08/02/2023 01:31

Have you sent them a message with a photo of the new baby? Or did you just disappear on maternity?

BertaHoon · 08/02/2023 02:45

Your baby is the biggest thing to happen to you.

Everyone has got so much going on right now that I'm sure they're not being rude. You just don't register on their radar at the moment.

I was 21 when I had my son. Huge deal. Took him in to work. People were polite but ultimately didn't give a shit.

It's nothing personal.

HoppingPavlova · 08/02/2023 03:30

How it would work at ours is, how you have done, send pic/announcement to your line manager. They will distribute. Then, when you are settled, up to it, you arrange a time to visit workplace with baby. This is usually months later after you have settled with baby and are comfortable going out and about. Manager communicates date/time of your visit. People who are free that day/time come meet with you, say their congratulations there, play pass the parcel with baby and then you leave. Unless you have colleagues that were close friends where you went to each others houses and so forth pre baby, seems odd that there would be anything above the meet/greet/congrats when you visit work.

Kinneddar · 08/02/2023 03:40

I think im particularly upset by the 2 colleagues I regarded as friends that didn't because we have been close at work and even outside of work

But that works both ways. Maybe they're upset that despite you being friends you never contacted them when your baby was born & didn't send a photo etc

I'd think it was pretty odd if someone I classed as a friend didn't tell me they'd had their baby & I just found out via a generic work email or something similar

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 08/02/2023 03:44

I was pretty pissed off when I didn't even get an E-card from work when my baby was born. Especially given that I was asked before I went on maternity leave to contribute to gifts for others.

I went back to work last week and have been pretty much ignored and expected to pick up where I left off a year ago despite huge changes in work/training. Just makes me not want to be there - and very glad I took a whole year off!

stayathomer · 08/02/2023 04:08

Congratulations on the baby op! Am thinking the same as some of the others- did you message them details and a picture? Either way sorry you didn’t get a message/card, sometimes people are wrapped up in their own stuff and time gets away

ComfortablyDazed · 08/02/2023 04:14

Is it just work colleagues you’re peeved with.

Have you had congratulations from the actual important people in your life?

elodiesmith · 08/02/2023 04:25

My work of 5 years didn't even send me a card. Nothing. And I've always chipped in for everyone's maternity gift.
Shameless. It's one of the reasons I'm not going back. Oh and I tell people about it too. And name the company.

Intrepidescape · 08/02/2023 04:59

After my baby was born my colleagues got me a nappy cake which had squashed dead cockroaches in it. I didn’t want it anywhere near my baby and I threw everything out - including the teddy bear and all of the gifts. Obviously the nappy cake had been in storage and there was cockroaches. I was utterly disgusted.

georgarina · 08/02/2023 05:30

Aw I can see why you feel that way. I would just message them first.

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