No congratulations on my birth

[123qwerty321]

I've had only 1 message from a work colleague congratulating me. My baby is 4 months. Most knew I was pregnant.

I'm not really saying that everyone should be fussing over me and cooing over my baby, I think I would have just appreciated a few messages just saying 'congratulations, hope you ok'.

I think what hurts more is that 2 of my work colleagues who I thought i was particularly close to haven't even bother to message me at all. They have messaged others who have had babies but not me.

Aibu or is it just life get over it.

YANBU... it's one of the reasons I'm considering not going back to the same job. I always put in £10-20 to everybody's birthday/wedding/baby collections yet when my son was born all I received was a bunch of cheap flowers from a team of almost 30 people. They were posted to me 4 months after his birth. I couldn't believe it given that I'd been seeing all the birthday gifts & wedding gifts in the group WhatsApp for the months previously. I don't feel valued and in some ways I feel taken advantage of. I even contributed to gifts whilst on sick leave last year. I also didn't get invited to the Xmas work party despite the fact that others on maternity leave did. I don't want to work in a team where I'm clearly not part of the team unless they want/need something.

We have had so many in the office recently I think people have lost interest. I know to you you think the attention should be on you but you have to remember for everyone else it's business as usual.

If these two are your friends they probably expected you to directly send them a photo of the baby. I wouldn't have announced it to work without sending a photo to my work friends first, I think this is why they didn't contact you. Anyone who i am close to got a DM of a baby photo, then I put a photo on Facebook so extended family etc could see. I didn't get any messages of anyone who I hadn't sent DM to, except maybe a congratulations under my Facebook post.

@PissedOffNeighbour22 same! Worked there 5 years when I had my DD, not even a card to say congrats and most definitely no collection or anything ,despite having given to loads. Returned to work and I’ve been expected to pick up where I left off, no return to work or advice on policy changes etc.

Im very glad I’m pregnant again and going off on maternity in 5 weeks!

OP I totally get it, it’s really hard! Especially when you think of people as friends xxx

Thank you to those posters congratulating me.

I'm not really overly bothered about having every colleague ask about my baby. It was more like knowing that your cared about and valued. A message just checking in or saying 'hope you're doing well' would have been fine.

Like other PP I have contributed to many collections however all I recieved was a card signed by 4 people and a £6 babygrow. We have around 80 staff. Even the guy who has been there a few months got over £100 when he went on his 2 week paternity. Let's not even get started on senior management, they have a list ready of what they want.

@K37529

I understand what you're saying. I didn't tell my line manager till a month and a half after I had baby. During that time they could have messaged to see how I was or if I was ok because i really wasn't ok. I had PND for a while and if I'm totally honest all I wanted was to have someone outside of family or healthcare professional to ask me how I was? I just wanted a normal conversation.

If that is what you did, that is just contact your line manager, it honestly would not occur to me to contact you directly. I would presume you were not wanting to be in contact with anyone individually in that case.

@123qwerty321 I understand, its only natural to feel that people who you thought cared would reach out to you after having your baby. I found though that people generally don't, maybe they assume new mothers want to be left alone. If you haven't already I'd suggest joining some mother and baby groups, just having other adults to talk to who are going through the same can really help with your mental health.

Are you friends with them outside work and they have your personal details? I think it's actually illegal for an employer to contact a woman about work related things whilst she is on maternity leave (apart from the official returning to work days that she can request etc etc.). Maybe your colleagues are misinterpreting this as a blanket ban not to contact you?

It's not got anything to do with work though, it's a personal matter.

If they were my friend, as well as colleague, I'd be more enthusiastic IF I knew child had been born.

But for a regular colleague do they even have your personal mobile or email to contact you on as otherwise it would be impossible?

I had something similar too. But my DH - flooded with messages from colleagues.

I actually felt it was one of those subconscious sexist kind of things - woman becomes mother - oh bore off, it's nothing special. Man becomes father - awwww so cute, how amazing. You know, like in the same vein that the bar for being told you're a great Dad is so much lower than for mothers - kind of thing.

Sorry OP, that’s crap. No idea why they haven’t messaged you if they are actual friends rather than just colleagues. Very hurtful not to acknowledge it.

Is this sincere? Is this actually a social expectation? Genuinely asking, no snark. I don't think this is something I would consider doing myself.

Adding this in for some perspective...

...listen OP. Last year, I didn't message my sister on her birthday. At all. I 100%, utterly, completely, forgot. And this is despite me excitedly planning her present, messaging her the week coming up to her birthday asking what her plans were (we lived in different cities at the time). We're close and we always get excited about birthdays together.

Then early in the morning the next day, I suddenly realised with a horrible jolt what the date was, and that I had blithely glided through her birthday yesterday without so much as a "happy birthday" on her facebook wall. I was absolutely horrified and I still feel guilty about it.

My point being, it's surprising what people can forget about, and even when it seems out of character. It may well be nothing personal at all, and even though in the past they have thought to check in with and congratulate other colleagues on their babies, simply forgot with you (which sounds harsh but isn't usually personal). They might now feel awkward about it as a few months have passed.

I'm speculating, but then this is all speculation. I just wanted to demonstrate that it is possible for people to forget to congratulate or check in, even when it's out of character or for something important.

Congratulations on your baby!

I think years ago it was quite a normal thing, for me it was a culture shock as I had never experienced this in my home country. One of my earlier jobs in the UK I was a maternity cover and the lady I was filling in for came in with her baby. I felt so uncomfortable, I couldn’t look her in the eye. It was my issue But I wanted her to know I wasn’t planning on stealing her job, I didn’t say that of course! Anyway 15 years later and many company moves we’re the closest of friends.

I think it’s more common in smaller workplaces and if most of you have worked there together for years than for large corporates.

I’m just thinking of my City office’s physical security procedures and how you’d likely need to apply days in advance for a pass and then have both pram and baby searched for explosives before security would allow you into the building!

I always messaged my work friends when baby was born/when I was ready to share, usually around 1-2 weeks after. I think the expectation is to give the new parents space until they're ready to get in touch.

Oh sorry OP. Congratulations though ☺️

Unpopular opinion here but no one owes you anything. I don’t get why people feel entitled to these types of things. Sorry they didn’t tell you congrats but that’s life 🤷🏻‍♀️ No one is obligated to tell you anything

Right.. I can’t imagine expecting anyone to do anything because no one owes me anything lol

Last year we had quite a lot of babies born in our company. The fact that your best mates didn't congratulate might be upsetting, I agree. I never congratulate to my co-workers, because I think like it's not my business and maybe they don't want it from me. I only congratulated my close mate and asked about baby.

Anyway, OP, moving on is best option, don't let it spoil this happy time in your life. Enjoy your new baby and congratulations.