Bride isn’t talking to me - follow on update

[Aperolsprizter]

Hello,
I posted this thread a while ago and got some great objective advice www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4635974-bride-not-talking-to-me-but-wont-tell-me-why-wwyd

upshot was that my friend, a bride to be, just stopped talking to me one day. Was rude at an event we were at. I reached out several times asking if I’d done something wrong and made it clear I was open to talking about it if I had (despite the last time us seeing each other prior everything had been lovely, or so I thought).

anyway, still heard nothing. The bride to bes mum in law has messaged the group whatsapp for bridesmaids asking for the deposit for the hen do. I politely replied to her directly not in the chat saying I hadn’t been in contact with the bride for six months so assumed I wasn’t part of the wedding etc - response was “bride will be in touch soon”.

this was two weeks ago and I’ve heard nothing. Wibu to leave the group chat? I know there’s others without me in anyway, but I don’t want to seem petty and I don’t know if I should grab the bull and message her? I know this seems weak but we’ve been friends for years prior to this, and although I can’t see the relationship repairing now I feel like I want to remain calm and collected in it all.

What a piece of work.

I'd be messaging the group chat too. That way they can see what you've done (not dropped out, but treated weirdly) and see what's going on.

No matter what, I wouldn't be going to that wedding.

Good point. Bride will enjoy saying that you did xyz. I’d be tempted to make it clear that I had no idea why this had happened and wish everyone all the best of course. The bride will repeat that behaviour to some other friend in that hen party in years to come and they will remember.

I really don't think you are going to get what you want here so you need to move on from that.

I was in the "say nothing and move on" camp but I've changed my email to reading some of these posts. I would just say in the WhatsApp group "I've had no contact from bride for months despite my best attempts to contact her so I won't be needing my dress. It's here if anyone wants to collect it but I'll leave the group now. All the best."

I don’t want to be the one to ‘drop out’ even though I know I’m not going and not welcome. But I want her to say it to me

I think we all know that's not going to happen. So you need to do damage limitation.

Message the whole group, saying something like "Despite my repeated attempts to talk to [bride] it is now obvious that I am being ignored for some reason and not welcome at the wedding, so I am leaving this group. Wishing everyone all the best and a happy day."

Then at least everyone knows you have been trying and she's the bitch for cutting you out.

A few things OP. You are no longer friends with the Bride so treat every situation based on that premise. What would you do if it was say a work colleague?

It's fair to say the Hen and wedding invitation is off. Even if she got in touch with you now, you wouldn't go if you had sense (because as above, she's proven you aren't actually friends) so I'd be simply messaging MiL to say you haven't heard and that you'll leave the chat and wish them all the best, and then just slope off the chat quietly.

I think posting something public on the chat also means whatever the issue is may get aired in public and I'm not sure anyone wants that especially when you don't know what the issue is and it may be a load of made up stuff that sounds horrific if posted to other people. I'd walk away with dignity, the more you hang on the more it'll upset you and make you look soft.

The morenive read in this thread OP the more I think you've backed yourself in a corner. The insistence that your friend withdraw you from the wedding rather than handling it yourself is actually doing you more harm. There's no need to worry about the other bridesmaids or anyone else, they'll have already been fed and brought into whatever bollocks the bride has spouted to them about you anyway.

You've been really passive and I get why, but you have the opportunity to own the narrative here and walk away, you don't know what's gone on behind the scenes so leaving it to someone else to potentially say something poisonous about you to a wider group rather than you walking away with an explanation is a dangerous game and I think you'll end up with egg on your face.

All due respect though but that isn't going to happen. You will have to be the one to drop out - do it like ripping off a plaster! Do it today. Stop dragging it out with this thin hope that all will be right with the world. It's not going to happen.

As previously suggested, some of the wordings on how you can drop out, showing it's not down to you but that you've tried to build a bridge without understanding why one was needed in the first place, and you're not going to just hang around for scraps of a friendship.

Be the better woman here. Cut or drop the rope.

I really disagree with everyone advising you message the whole group criticising the bride. These are her closest friends , they are no going to see your side, all it will do is make you look foolish and like you are trying to create drama. Ultimately it doesn’t matter of course but personally I just think that’s giving bride what she wants - a reaction.

if you want to message group before you leave, I’d just say something simple and breezy to the effect of- “I won’t be attending the wedding anymore, so leaving the group. Wishing you all a lovely time”.

then maybe just be drop the whole thing. Then it puts the burden on bride to contact you if she wants to have it out. Stops you being the one doing the chasing.

Definitely don’t send a message to the whole WhatsApp group. Send a quick one to the MIL as above and try to move on. Your ex-friend is very cowardly and unkind and I am not surprised you are so hurt and confused and wanting closure. Alas you won’t get it.

I agree.

It is possible to maintain dignity without any drama.

You are behaving as if you desperately want to retain this friendship.

It's over.
For whatever reason she doesn't want to contact you and is happy to humiliate you while you accept it.

It is possible to send a calm, detached message that drops the rope as you step away.

"@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy
"Message the whole group, saying something like "Despite my repeated attempts to talk to [bride] it is now obvious that I am being ignored for some reason and not welcome at the wedding, so I am leaving this group. Wishing everyone all the best and a happy day.""

This covers it.

You may meet some of the bridesmaids socially and you can be confused about what happened but wish her the best, whatever.

There is a type of person that always has some drama attached to them.

They find offense and upset where none was, or meant.

Stepping away from them is the only action that fully works.

The older you get the quicker you see these qualities in someone and you simply don't get involved at all.

Some people cannot be happy in their life unless their is angst and upset attached.

IMO it is a personality disorder of some type.

I have seen it in both my daughters primary classes, a couple of girls that were constantly in and out of friendships.

My daughters who studiously avoid drama, were the only friends they had that they never fell out with.

They were friends from reception and as they grew, this need for drama grew too.

My girls kept them at a firm distance and wouldn't allow them to be anything other than old casual friends.

The drama continues to this day I believe.

I would be tempted to put in the group chat: ‘Haven’t heard from the bride in 6 months. Not sure why she didn’t reply to me. Going to drop out of this now. Have fun!’ And then leave the chat.

I'd agree say nothing more now. Just sit tight and wait. If the wedding arrives and you have still heard nothing, well you have your answer then don't you? Until then prepare for getting your own closure by distancing yourself because when it does happen you are going to have to move on and forget her. I know that's not really what you want but her behaviour is speaking quite loudly that she moved on a long time ago. If being childhood friends was as important to her as it is to you, then this wouldn't even be happening because she wouldn't have dropped contact. She may be a childhood friend but what you're seeing here is that sometimes friends are not forever. And she appears to be one of those. It's pointless clinging on to something that for her at least is just not there anymore.

I agree with most of this apart from the bit about messaging the group that explanation. It does create drama because it’s bringing them into it, when there’s no need to do so. It won’t serve you in any way as they will only react negatively to your implied criticism of the bride.

I agree with being proactive, leaving the group, and taking charge of the narrative. But you can do that quietly and with dignity without bringing others in.

Thanks everyone for the advice. To confirm I’m not holding on hope she’s going to come back or that I’ll actually end up in the wedding - no matter what happens I won’t be involved or going.

i don’t want to drag the other bridesmaids in and I needed to communicate to the mil what was happening so she was aware I wasn’t going to pay. For the PP saying I’ve backed myself into a corner by being passive - don’t think that’s fair, I opened my door on numerous occasions for her to speak to me and she didn’t, and I stopped chasing.

i think I’m going to leave it and say no more for now at least x

OP I guarantee your ex friend isn’t agonising over this. It’s so sad that you, the victim are still allowing yourself to remain in a vulnerable position for more hurt.

She’s the bully here. It’s extremely cruel of her and she will know that you’re suffering. Don’t give her any more opportunity to hurt you. Walk away. It’s all you need to do.

Dont worry about the whatsapp group. They are not your friends. Who cares what narrative she has spun?
Don’t worry about the dress. That’s her problem, not yours.

Focus on moving on. Focus on healing.

I think you need to make it clear in the group chat that the bride has ignored you for 6 months despite you trying to contact her several times. If you just disappear then rumours will spread about you. The bride and co will make you out to be the bad guy.

This is your last chance to tell your side of the story. I would screenshot the text exchange with the bride I.e. her lack of response. Also screenshot your final message in the group chat. Keep these as proof just in case nasty rumours are spread about you.

Also don’t give back the dress unless she comes to your house to collect it. I wouldn’t waste postage/petrol on sending it back to the bitch.

Good decision. Involving the rest of the bridesmaids in any way at all would not end well. They're her friends when all is said and done.

I hope you get clarity at some point.

At least leave the group. Don’t do nothing. Keep some of your dignity.

No. That would still reflect badly on her. And it's in her interests to know what's going on.

The way to 'win' this (since people seem to think that OP should win somehow) is to behave with perfect grace, so that no-one can manufacture a story that paints her in the wrong. They might even start wondering why the bride is behaving that way to someone who is so nice.

I don’t think the OP has lost any of her dignity at all. This is on Bridezilla. The OP has done all she can to sort things out. I think even leaving the group may give an opportunity for criticism, so I would just leave it alone now.

I don't know why OP and many on here are so preoccupied with what the rest of the group will think. The bride I'm afraid will spin this to her being unreasonable whatever she does. She needs to not give her the satisfaction of playing her stupid games and just explain factually to the rest of the group and then refuse to be drawn into any drama or childishness. The right friends will follow her and if none do then she can be glad she didn't waste another second of her life on them. We're not 12. Our world will keep on turning without this absolute BS

Fair enough OP and for what it's worth I completely get where your coming from, I guess my main concern would be that there's a good chance to others on the chat know a fair bit already from their day to day contact with the bride, and so may have already been exposed to whatever rubbish she's likely made up re you.

Ultimately you need to do what feels right for you.

But for a childhood friend to treat you so dreadfully is really awful.

Walk away. I’d no more run after her than I would run after a cloud raining shite.

😂😂😂😂

‘Dear group, I’m going to duck out now. Bridezilla hasn’t spoken to me in six months, despite my trying every way I can to talk to her. I have no idea why she isn’t speaking to me, but her continued silence is clearly her decision, and I am taking it I am no longer welcome at the wedding or events surrounding it. Hope it all goes really well and that everyone has a lovely time.

best wishes to all, OP