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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bride isn’t talking to me - follow on update

417 replies

Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 15:17

Hello,
I posted this thread a while ago and got some great objective advice www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4635974-bride-not-talking-to-me-but-wont-tell-me-why-wwyd

upshot was that my friend, a bride to be, just stopped talking to me one day. Was rude at an event we were at. I reached out several times asking if I’d done something wrong and made it clear I was open to talking about it if I had (despite the last time us seeing each other prior everything had been lovely, or so I thought).

anyway, still heard nothing. The bride to bes mum in law has messaged the group whatsapp for bridesmaids asking for the deposit for the hen do. I politely replied to her directly not in the chat saying I hadn’t been in contact with the bride for six months so assumed I wasn’t part of the wedding etc - response was “bride will be in touch soon”.

this was two weeks ago and I’ve heard nothing. Wibu to leave the group chat? I know there’s others without me in anyway, but I don’t want to seem petty and I don’t know if I should grab the bull and message her? I know this seems weak but we’ve been friends for years prior to this, and although I can’t see the relationship repairing now I feel like I want to remain calm and collected in it all.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/02/2023 22:05

BlueLabel · 07/02/2023 20:23

Love this suggestion!

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This.

She is a very nasty piece of work who is determined to humiliate you.

Unless you take action you are allowing her to treat you in a truly appalling manner.

By spelling it out in the WhatsApp group, you at least control the narrative on your side and can exit completely.

I wouldn't dream of returning her bloody dress, let her arrange collection....whatever.

OP, you do yourself no favour allowing anyone treat you in this manner in such a public way.

saraclara · 07/02/2023 22:19

PinkPanther50 · 07/02/2023 19:54

Definitely do this

Show quote history

No, please don't. That drags the other bridesmaids into it in a really unpleasant way.

If you want to reply in the whatsapp, OP, simply say "Bride hasn't been in contact with me over the last six months, so I'm not sure whether I'm still in the wedding party. But I'll keep you in the loop when I know more"

Leave out all the emotional stuff and don't put the rest of them in a difficult position. There's no need to 'leave the group with your head held high' as suggested. It's not the other bridesmaids that have done anything wrong.

Honeyroar · 07/02/2023 22:22

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 07/02/2023 21:46

That comes across as very desperate. Seriously she has not spoken or engaged with her for 6 months, there is nothing to say. She should leave the chat group and move on.

But as others have said I see her being pulled in last minute to take on duties and then probably dumped again after the wedding.

Show quote history

Why do you think it sounds very desperate? Its not expecting anything, It’s just stating facts, making sure that everyone knows shes tried and not letting the bride turn it round on her by saying she’s being awful to her by dropping out. Then the OP will leave the group and move on..just like you said. But the others will all know her side of the story.

Blablablanamechangagain · 07/02/2023 22:22

ArcaneWireless · 07/02/2023 15:27

I was on your last thread (nc’d since)

My advice isn’t that different.

Walk away. I’d no more run after her than I would run after a cloud raining shite.

🤣🤣 love this phrase

saraclara · 07/02/2023 22:34

Honeyroar · 07/02/2023 22:22

Why do you think it sounds very desperate? Its not expecting anything, It’s just stating facts, making sure that everyone knows shes tried and not letting the bride turn it round on her by saying she’s being awful to her by dropping out. Then the OP will leave the group and move on..just like you said. But the others will all know her side of the story.

Show quote history

Nope. Remeber that anything put on a whatsapp group can be shown to people outside it. Anything OP writes can and probably will be shown to the bride.

The last thing that's needed is for OP's message to be seen as stirring things up and involving others. Sticking to an entirely neutral tone is far better as it can't be used against her, and it shouldn't lead to the rest of the group taking against her too when she's seen as bitching abour their friend, the bride..

Like I said... "Bride hasn't been in contact with me over the last six months, so I'm not sure whether I'm still in the wedding party. But I'll keep you in the loop when I know more". Calm and neutral.

Arrrrrrragghhh · 07/02/2023 22:38

But the Op won’t be keeping them in the loop. This will be the end of it, presumably until after the wedding.
Just say you aren’t in touch with bride for reasons known only to the bride. Tell them you hope it goes well, goodbye. Done.

CohenTree · 07/02/2023 22:44

Cant't you leave a message for the group on the chat before excusing yourself? Something like, "I belive I was added to this group by mistake so will exit the chat now"
(Sorry I don't know how such things work.)

SheldonsShoulder · 07/02/2023 22:44

Putting any messages in the WhatsApp will not help the OP hold her head high. It’ll give the other bridesmaids something to gossip about together. The friendship is over with the bride and she can’t control what the other bridesmaids think of her as she’s not close friends with them. It’s horrible to be ghosted by a friend. I’ve been there and it’s akin to grieving. You can’t defend yourself which is infuriating and so hurtful. I also had a mutual friend who she was clearly bitching about me to, so it negatively affected our relationship as well. I believe the healthiest thing for the OP to do is leave the WhatsApp group and accept the relationship is over.

Original poster
Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 22:51

Sorry I had a name change fail (changed name since last thread and it’s still set to that one automatically when I post).
basically, I don’t want to be the one to ‘drop out’ even though I know I’m not going and not welcome. But I want her to say it to me (it’s not about giving her mental space but I’m not having the responsibility put on me).

I want to avoid dragging anyone else into it too. Also no I wasn’t MOH

OP posts:
flabbygoldfish · 07/02/2023 22:52

Ok so what I think you are after OP is closure and for everyone to know it was her who pushed you away and you are the innocent party.

Closure is overrated and tbh no one will really care either way who did what. Just let this go and move on.

RealeyesRealizeReallies · 07/02/2023 23:03

You've been more than reasonable with her and, at this point, she has milked the whole fucking dairy industry!

If it was an issue worth knowing about, she would have told you by now.

She is being a flaky, attention-seeking weirdo. Just leave her be.

She'll come back; they always do..

MisschiefMaker · 07/02/2023 23:13

I'm definitely in the minority here but I'd not pull out of the wedding or do anything that could make me seem like the bad guy.

However, I'd do the absolute bare minimum and be bland and disinterested any time the bride talks to you either before or at the wedding, giving her the shortest answers possible without being rude and certainly no checking in on how she's doing etc. I believe the term is "grey rock". Don't come across as moody, instead aim for pleasant but disinterested and, if anything, act slightly bemused to be included. Leave the wedding early "for a personal emergency" so again, nobody will fully blame you as the emergency could be something terrible but it'll still leave a bad taste in the bride's mouth.

After the wedding never message her again.

Then sleep easy with the knowledge that all her wedding photos with the bridesmaids will be ruined for her by her uncomfortable memories of how her friendship with you ended.

I had a similar friend once. She took my friendship for granted and would also ignore me for a while then come crawling back. I eventually grey rocked her although at the time I didn't know there was a term for it! ie I only answered direct questions, I never ever initiated contact again, I never asked her any questions about herself or gave away any info about me. It took her 7 years to completely stop chasing me and give up on our friendship.

StClare101 · 07/02/2023 23:18

You could go with “hi all, my bridesmaid dress is still here. I assume one of you will pop around and pick it up? Then I take myself off the chat. Thanks!”

The MOH will then call the Bride, confused, to which the Bride will either have to confirm you are not welcome or pretend she has no idea why you would think that.

If it’s the latter you can also be baffled - “gosh she stopped returning my messages months ago. I just assumed I was no longer involved. I think that’s the best thing for everyone anyway so just to confirm… who is picking up the dress?”

Onesipmore · 07/02/2023 23:26

Basically what @flabbygoldfish said. Im afraid at this point now you are dragging it out. I'm not sure why you can't message her and say, you haven't been in touch with me for 8 months.I have no idea why. You aren't going to get closure. Unless you tackle this head on you are going to be upset by the outcome.There won't be any closure I don't think.

BillyDeanisnotmylover · 07/02/2023 23:29

I think I’d message the group chat and say something along the lines of…. “as I haven’t heard from (bride) in over six months, I can only assume that I’ve been uninvited. I obviously therefore won’t be needing the dress, so if anyone needs a spare/alternative, let me know and you can come and pick it up. Hope you all have a lovely time.”

user1477391263 · 07/02/2023 23:46

I wouldn’t use emotive language like “bridezilla,” but I would post a very…icily polite message on the group chat explaining why I was leaving. And wish all the other bridesmaids the best. I would tell the bride that the dress is bagged up, so please send a message and let me know when you are ready to call and pick it up. That’s not playing games, it’s just being neutral; why should the OP run around taking things to the post office when none of this is her fault? Bride can come round and pick it up at the door if she wants it.

JennyJenny8675309 · 07/02/2023 23:48

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2023 15:36

Then message the friend and say "hi, I'm open to talk if you want to but just to let you know I've let your MIL know I obviously won't be coming to the hen do as things stand between us. Hope you have anl great time"

The op has reached out to this woman several times already, with no response, why on earth should she keep pandering to her?

Fuck that. Block and move on.

I agree. Don’t be her doormat. She’s enjoying icing you with her juvenile passive-aggressive behaviour. It won’t be fun when you stop trying to be nice. Bin the friendship, no further indulgence of her arseholery.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 08/02/2023 00:05

I don’t want to be the one to ‘drop out’ even though I know I’m not going and not welcome. But I want her to say it to me (it’s not about giving her mental space but I’m not having the responsibility put on me).
I want to avoid dragging anyone else into it too.

Unfortunately, she has (probably quite deliberately) created a situation where you really don't have any options, except the ones you don't want. You're not going to be able to force her to engage on this, and make the decision for you.

You can drop out quietly by just ghosting them all, or make some sort of announcement. Which one you choose depends on how much energy you have left for this and how important it is to control the narrative. Either way, people will talk about it, and make assumptions, and there's not a lot you can do about that.

I suspect you'll feel a lot better about this once you've made up your mind, acted and moved on.

Derbee · 08/02/2023 00:23

Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 19:15

Hiya,
all of this is completely right of course - I shouldn’t care about looking like the bitch etc, but I do. I don’t mix regularly with the other bridesmaids but would see them around and to be honest it doesn’t feel fair that it’s a marr on my name.

i think being backed into a corner is exactly what has happened and yes I agree I need to just keep quiet now. I imagine she will come back either before or after the wedding.

tysm all!

It doesn’t matter what you do or say, you will come out of this looking worse. The WhatsApp group is HER friends. So no matter whether you leave with a parting message, or just leave quietly, or stay in the group silently, they will all accept HER version of events, not yours.

You can be sure they’ve talked about you and the situation, and how unreasonable you’ve been for whatever reasons.

Just walk away and accept that they have all already made their minds up about you and the situation. In the future when it happens to one of them, they’ll realise that it was her all along. But you can’t change any opinions or get them to see your truth, so don’t bother trying

DustyDood · 08/02/2023 00:34

OP I would reply to the group WhatsApp saying:

I h haven’t heard from Bride for 6 months, despite trying to contact her several times. Please can someone who is currently in contact with her, ask if she still wants me to be at her wedding or not, so I know where I stand? Thanks.”

That lets everyone know the situation and puts the ball firmly in Bride’s court as to whether or not you’ve been dropped.

NotDrowningJustCrowing · 08/02/2023 00:37

I really understand the need to not be painted as the bad person. I'd definitely feel like that too but I don't think there's anything you can do to avoid that. There's a chance she'll be almost honest and tell people that you drifted apart and there are no hard feelings. Given the way she's treated you, it's more likely that she'll pretend that it's all on you, probably along the lines of you look down on them all because of your big job in the city, blah, blah. It's horrible to know that you're being lied about but you could go to the wedding, and make a speech about how you've tried so hard and everyone would just think you were a lying mentalist and that the poor bride was best off rid of you. You can't win at her game because she's rigged it. You can win by walking away, having nothing to do with her drama, enjoying the life you have with the good friends you do have and allowing yourself to feel upset that you have lost someone you used to be close to.

Btw, I don't think you're a doormat. I read the last thread. I think you're just someone who has loved your friend for a very long time and it's hard to deal with being ghosted by someone. She's very unkind and quite the idiot to behave in this way.

changeme4this · 08/02/2023 01:25

DustyDood · 08/02/2023 00:34

OP I would reply to the group WhatsApp saying:

I h haven’t heard from Bride for 6 months, despite trying to contact her several times. Please can someone who is currently in contact with her, ask if she still wants me to be at her wedding or not, so I know where I stand? Thanks.”

That lets everyone know the situation and puts the ball firmly in Bride’s court as to whether or not you’ve been dropped.

I would do this too.

I was thinking if there was something wrong in the Bride's life, such as nerves or starting to feel its not what she wants, then all of the BM's will have noticed a drop in communication from her. This is what you need to know, is it just you or everyone?

Bananatushy · 08/02/2023 01:56

I think you need to let this go. Just one message to say thanks very much but it’s clear things are frosty between you and you won’t be coming. Exit group. E very one rejoices, Nobody cares anymore. You don’t see these people regularly, you’re barely gonna notice it. But stop clinging on, it looks a bit needy and also, like you think you have the moral high ground and the group are gonna hear your side and back you. But even if you do have the MHG and it sounds like you do - They won’t back you, so I’d just cut loose

kateandme · 08/02/2023 04:44

BillyDeanisnotmylover · 07/02/2023 23:29

I think I’d message the group chat and say something along the lines of…. “as I haven’t heard from (bride) in over six months, I can only assume that I’ve been uninvited. I obviously therefore won’t be needing the dress, so if anyone needs a spare/alternative, let me know and you can come and pick it up. Hope you all have a lovely time.”

this.
you clearly just dont want the other to see you as a bad guy by what the bride could day if you back out so put it in the whole group chat for everyone to see.
then everyone knows ans she can react how she reacts

Roseyposeypudding · 08/02/2023 05:10

In the nicest way possible, you are being an absolute doormat and wasting a lot of time worrying about someone who clearly doesn’t care about you or your feelings.

I’d have taken the hint and stopped messaging her before you posted your first thread.

Leave the group. Block her. Move on.

At this point it’s just a case of dignity.