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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bride isn’t talking to me - follow on update

417 replies

Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 15:17

Hello,
I posted this thread a while ago and got some great objective advice www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4635974-bride-not-talking-to-me-but-wont-tell-me-why-wwyd

upshot was that my friend, a bride to be, just stopped talking to me one day. Was rude at an event we were at. I reached out several times asking if I’d done something wrong and made it clear I was open to talking about it if I had (despite the last time us seeing each other prior everything had been lovely, or so I thought).

anyway, still heard nothing. The bride to bes mum in law has messaged the group whatsapp for bridesmaids asking for the deposit for the hen do. I politely replied to her directly not in the chat saying I hadn’t been in contact with the bride for six months so assumed I wasn’t part of the wedding etc - response was “bride will be in touch soon”.

this was two weeks ago and I’ve heard nothing. Wibu to leave the group chat? I know there’s others without me in anyway, but I don’t want to seem petty and I don’t know if I should grab the bull and message her? I know this seems weak but we’ve been friends for years prior to this, and although I can’t see the relationship repairing now I feel like I want to remain calm and collected in it all.

OP posts:
SnoozyLucy7 · 07/02/2023 20:15

Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 16:08

Thanks all for the replies. To be clear (thankfully) I’m over the upset of it now and don’t care if we speak again BUT
1)it’s her wedding, there may be emotions at play I’m not aware of
2) whilst I don’t want to be a doormat I also don’t want to feed anything that could be used against me (‘she dropped out of the chat without telling me she wasn’t coming to the wedding etc’)

efen if she did reach out at this point I wouldn’t feel right being at her wedding so deffo won’t be going. Just want to ensure I’m having a backbone, but being reasonable

She’s completely ignored you for 6 months despite your sincere efforts to contact her. She has stonewalled you and refuses to engage with you. She has confused and upset you - a decent friend would not treat you like this. You have been very reasonable and patient with her, you owe this woman exactly zero. Just text her directly to say that you are no longer part of the hen or wedding, and wish her all the best. You deserve a better friend than her.

BowiesJumper · 07/02/2023 20:16

Did you ever ask your mutual friend (other bridesmaid?) if she knew what was going on?

Tandora · 07/02/2023 20:20

Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 16:08

Thanks all for the replies. To be clear (thankfully) I’m over the upset of it now and don’t care if we speak again BUT
1)it’s her wedding, there may be emotions at play I’m not aware of
2) whilst I don’t want to be a doormat I also don’t want to feed anything that could be used against me (‘she dropped out of the chat without telling me she wasn’t coming to the wedding etc’)

efen if she did reach out at this point I wouldn’t feel right being at her wedding so deffo won’t be going. Just want to ensure I’m having a backbone, but being reasonable

Hmm if the goal is to be reasonable/
polite but preserve your dignity, why not just send her and MIL a message to the effect of “sorry I will no longer be able to attend the hen and wedding, as I have other plans on those days.” Add some bland nicety at the beginning , like “hope you well” and one at the end like “wishing you all the best for a lovely wedding”.
Drama free and no one can blame you, but takes back control and makes it clear you think more of yourself than to pander to her crap.

BlueLabel · 07/02/2023 20:21

I think its pretty clear then if they are suddenly closer and your mutual friend isn't questioning this that you're already being painted poorly to others.

I'd send the message to the group that you've assumed you're not invited but will wait to get confirmation from the bride and will leave the chat in the meantime.

You can bet your last penny whatever you say will be screenshot and sent to the bride.

Rainbow1901 · 07/02/2023 20:21

You have been given lots of very good advice but I wouldn't be returning the dress in the post. Make it known that it is ready awaiting her collection whenever she is ready but you don't want to 'pressure' her so throw her words back at her - the silly mare!!
But otherwise a message in the group making it quite clear that you have been repeatedly ignored in the past 6 months or whatever with no idea of her issues makes it blatantly obvious that you are not expected to be a part of the celebrations much as you would have enjoyed sharing it with everyone.

BlueLabel · 07/02/2023 20:23

Rainbow1901 · 07/02/2023 20:21

You have been given lots of very good advice but I wouldn't be returning the dress in the post. Make it known that it is ready awaiting her collection whenever she is ready but you don't want to 'pressure' her so throw her words back at her - the silly mare!!
But otherwise a message in the group making it quite clear that you have been repeatedly ignored in the past 6 months or whatever with no idea of her issues makes it blatantly obvious that you are not expected to be a part of the celebrations much as you would have enjoyed sharing it with everyone.

Love this suggestion!

Havinganosy · 07/02/2023 20:24

Did you say you were the maid of honour or the bridesmaid?

Were you meant to be planning the hen do and that is why she has fallen out with you? As looks like someone else is now doing the planning?

im not accusing btw - just trying to understand what the dynamic is here.

StClare101 · 07/02/2023 20:32

Honeyroar · 07/02/2023 19:20

I’d put a message on the group WhatsApp saying you have been trying to contact the bride for several months abs that all your attempts have been ignored. I’d say that you are hurt, bewildered and upset, but have decided enough is enough. Consequently you are leaving the wedding party, which you can only presume is what the bride wants, and obviously won’t be going to any hen parties. Then wish them all the best and leave the group (with your head held high).

Me too

sleephelp2022 · 07/02/2023 20:34

OP, why are you making so many excuses for her? What do her wedding emotions have to do with the way she is treating you?? Unless you slept with her husband to be which I doubt you did, I can't see any reason for her behavior.

She's a bitch and you are being a doormat. Stop making excuses, stop going round and circles, stop trying to make sure you don't look like x y or x. You've had some great advice on here. Take it and WALK AWAY!

eighteenthirteen1 · 07/02/2023 20:35

Aperolsprizter · 07/02/2023 16:08

Thanks all for the replies. To be clear (thankfully) I’m over the upset of it now and don’t care if we speak again BUT
1)it’s her wedding, there may be emotions at play I’m not aware of
2) whilst I don’t want to be a doormat I also don’t want to feed anything that could be used against me (‘she dropped out of the chat without telling me she wasn’t coming to the wedding etc’)

efen if she did reach out at this point I wouldn’t feel right being at her wedding so deffo won’t be going. Just want to ensure I’m having a backbone, but being reasonable

I'd write on the group chat that you haven't heard anything for 6 months and that's why you're leaning

UdoU · 07/02/2023 20:41

YANBU. I agree with your approach actually. Just keep radio silent.

She wants a reaction, don’t give her one.

Springbreakwoohoo · 07/02/2023 20:44

Rainbow1901 · 07/02/2023 20:21

You have been given lots of very good advice but I wouldn't be returning the dress in the post. Make it known that it is ready awaiting her collection whenever she is ready but you don't want to 'pressure' her so throw her words back at her - the silly mare!!
But otherwise a message in the group making it quite clear that you have been repeatedly ignored in the past 6 months or whatever with no idea of her issues makes it blatantly obvious that you are not expected to be a part of the celebrations much as you would have enjoyed sharing it with everyone.

Why not just post the dress back? Why play silly games? Sending the dress back with a note makes the OP’s decision final. It draws a line under the whole debacle.

GorgeousLadyofWrestling · 07/02/2023 20:53

OP I remember your other thread - it’s such an awful way to treat someone! What do your other groups of friends think about it?

Kennykenkencat · 07/02/2023 20:58

Honeyroar · 07/02/2023 19:20

I’d put a message on the group WhatsApp saying you have been trying to contact the bride for several months abs that all your attempts have been ignored. I’d say that you are hurt, bewildered and upset, but have decided enough is enough. Consequently you are leaving the wedding party, which you can only presume is what the bride wants, and obviously won’t be going to any hen parties. Then wish them all the best and leave the group (with your head held high).

This.

Otherwise no one is the wiser and she can say anything about you

At least if people hear anything about you they will question whether it is true.

Dita73 · 07/02/2023 21:03

OP I mean this kindly but I want to shake you. This woman is not your friend. She is an arsehole. This has been going on for months and you’re still questioning what your actions should be. You’re no longer a bridesmaid and you’re not going to her wedding. If she turns it around and says you dropped out then let her. Who cares? She’s treated you terribly,just be grateful she’s out of your life. Stick with people who genuinely are your friends and don’t give this horrible cow another thought. She’s lost a good friend but you haven’t

ScreamingInfidelities · 07/02/2023 21:07

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/02/2023 16:20

I think I'd put something on the chat to say 'I've repeatedly tried to make contact with the bride for the last 6 months and been consistently ignored, so think it's fair to assume that I'm no longer included as part of the wedding. Just wanted to let everyone know so there are no hard feelings and hope you all have a lovely time at the wedding' and then leave

I’d do this

EmmaDilemma5 · 07/02/2023 21:15

It feels like you're holding onto her still, like deep down you think this is salvageable. It isn't, she's treated you very poorly and sadly it doesn't look like she wants your friendship anymore.

She won't blame you for dropping out. She doesn't want you there, she'll probably be relieved.

It's horrible she's ghosted you in the way she has, no one deserves that, but you need to move on.

There isn't an issue here. You won't look bad for leaving the group.

HappinessDragon · 07/02/2023 21:27

Hi all,
No idea what’s going on but bridezilla stopped taking to me 6 months ago. I’ve contacted her a number of times to find out what’s wrong but had no response.
Bit surprised to see MIL’s message as assumed I was no longer invited. Apparently bridezilla was going to be in touch but hasn’t and in all honesty, I’m not waiting around any longer and I’m certainly not contributing anything financially to anyone that has blanked me for months, invite or no invite.
I appreciate this means you guys will have to pay out more for the hen do/clearly much needed therapy and I’m sorry to cause you to incur extra costs but I’m sure you will all understand that no one deserves to be treated this way and certainly shouldn’t pay for the privilege!
Take care,
x

Don’t block, don’t remove yourself, just sit back and see what happens. The others will know your side no matter what else is said.

You’ve said yourself that you don’t intend to go to the wedding. Your friendship won’t recover from this. But you might just get chance to offer a robust “OFF YOU FUCK!” And get closure/bring the stroppy little madam down a peg or two.

PuddlesPityParty · 07/02/2023 21:28

I agree about sending a message in the WhatsApp chat.

Cheeseandcrackers86 · 07/02/2023 21:32

Why are you still giving this silly bitch headspace?! I would state very factually what the bride has done and why you won't be going to the wedding then move on. There's no excuse to treat you like this. She doesn't value your friendship. Just take the hint and move on

sanityisamyth · 07/02/2023 21:33

WhatsApp doesn't announce when people have left the group anymore so will anyone notice you've left?

WilsonMilson · 07/02/2023 21:35

I’m not one for blocking people, I feel like it’s immature and petty.

If I were you I just wouldn’t say or do anything as I think the bride will use it against you - perhaps she’s waiting for you to leave the group and to create a narrative where you are the bad one.
I’d stay in the group but don’t contribute. If the mil gets in touch just tell her you haven’t heard from the bride and won’t be coming to the wedding. If they remove you from the group, so be it. Mute the group even and get on with your life. But honestly, I’d stay silently in the group as a reminder to the bride of what a cow she is and that it’s all on her.

Cornishclio · 07/02/2023 21:38

I would forget this bride to be. She is not your friend and given she cannot be bothered to contact you I would mute the chat and move on. No messages and if you have the dress stick it away somewhere until after the wedding then ditch it if she hasn't asked for it back. In other words a dignified silence. Some people just love drama and you appearing needy just gives her more.

Coolcoolcool · 07/02/2023 21:39

I agree with pp that you should leave a message in the group WhatsApp. What does your mutual friend think?!

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 07/02/2023 21:46

Honeyroar · 07/02/2023 19:20

I’d put a message on the group WhatsApp saying you have been trying to contact the bride for several months abs that all your attempts have been ignored. I’d say that you are hurt, bewildered and upset, but have decided enough is enough. Consequently you are leaving the wedding party, which you can only presume is what the bride wants, and obviously won’t be going to any hen parties. Then wish them all the best and leave the group (with your head held high).

That comes across as very desperate. Seriously she has not spoken or engaged with her for 6 months, there is nothing to say. She should leave the chat group and move on.

But as others have said I see her being pulled in last minute to take on duties and then probably dumped again after the wedding.