Bride isn’t talking to me - follow on update

[Aperolsprizter]

Hello,
I posted this thread a while ago and got some great objective advice www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4635974-bride-not-talking-to-me-but-wont-tell-me-why-wwyd

upshot was that my friend, a bride to be, just stopped talking to me one day. Was rude at an event we were at. I reached out several times asking if I’d done something wrong and made it clear I was open to talking about it if I had (despite the last time us seeing each other prior everything had been lovely, or so I thought).

anyway, still heard nothing. The bride to bes mum in law has messaged the group whatsapp for bridesmaids asking for the deposit for the hen do. I politely replied to her directly not in the chat saying I hadn’t been in contact with the bride for six months so assumed I wasn’t part of the wedding etc - response was “bride will be in touch soon”.

this was two weeks ago and I’ve heard nothing. Wibu to leave the group chat? I know there’s others without me in anyway, but I don’t want to seem petty and I don’t know if I should grab the bull and message her? I know this seems weak but we’ve been friends for years prior to this, and although I can’t see the relationship repairing now I feel like I want to remain calm and collected in it all.

The bride is desperately hoping that OP will do what most of you are suggesting. Because that lets her off the hook.

Personally I'd just sit it out with no further comment. That leaves the ball in her court. She's got to say something (or she risks OP turning up on the day in her dress!) and it's going to make her squirm.

Well it’s possible, but I don’t see how that possibility really makes any difference to what the OP should or can do here. She’s reached out over and over and heard nothing. She’s not suggesting being horrible to the BTB. What more can she do other than step away?

I don’t see how it helps to express concern to the MIL and how that might rule anything out? If there’s an issue of the type you suggest, MIL either a) doesn’t know about it, b) knows about it and won’t break confidence or c) would break confidence in which case she would have done it by now.

This x 100

Sadly friendships seem to move on suddenly and without explanation sometimes!
I had what I thought was a really good friend, our daughters were also friends
and I used to walk her daughter home so she could work late, we saw each other weekends and school holidays and were always bumping into each other and chatting. The daughters fell out but made up again (as they do)… but when we see
them out now they ‘pretend’ not to see us and then act all friendly if we say ‘HI’…

my daughter was diagnosed with a
life threatening condition 20 months ago and they just didn’t bother at all, she was all lovely when we bumped into them but hasn’t once text to ask how I’m coping, my husband left 7 months ago and she’s not once text to see if I’m ok…. Yesterday I saw her mum while walking the dogs and said ‘hello’ and she literally turned her back on me…. So I walked on…. Coincidentally my daughter saw her too in school and she (the adult) hid in a doorway…. My daughter passed and said ‘are you ok??’ She thought it was so weird!!

I’be honestly thought about texting her and asking WTF I’ve done, for it to go from spending loads of time together to not seeing them for 18 months !! But I really don’t see what I have to gain from knowing now….. as far as I’m concerned I’ve done nothing wrong, always been a good friend to her…. She was always kind too…. But hiding in school doorways from a child?!? Just weird!!! I think she’s clearly moved on and for some reason doesn’t want to say why….. so I shall leave her to it….. we exchanged Christmas presents but she left them on the doorstep and drove off ‘insisting she knocked’ but we know she didn’t, so she’s lying too!!

I don’t have time to chase people who ‘used to be nice!’……. I suggest you move on…..

remove yourself from the WhatsApp group (why are there more than one group???) remove yourself and like others have said, message the organiser and simply say that she isn’t returning your messages so you’re sorry but won’t be contributing or going. And leave it there …..

are you invited to the wedding???

That’s great, except they’re wanting payment!….. OP doesn’t want to pay for a hen do shes not attending.

Gosh this is so weird. I had similar from my friend since I was 4. Now 41. She went weird with me over Covid and was meant to be my moh but was involved in nothing to do with the wedding. Family kept saying tk kick her out of it but I kept her in it although my other bm became my moh and we spoke a few times since and then she started being a bitch to me again.

yes this

Fair point. Then I'll revert to my initial super bland and neutral suggestion. "I haven't heard from (bride) for six months, so I'm not sure if I'm still part of the wedding party. I'll keep you in the loop of course when she gets in touch"

There's something wrong with your 'Friend' honestly an awful way ti act. You need to message the MIL again and just confirm you won't be contributing anyhtung then put a message in the group chat that bride seems to have decided to end your friendship but just blanking you but you wish all thr best for thr big day and just leave. Block everyone who you aren't close to.

She acts like a child. I hate it when grown up people are playing mind games, like teenage girls. Ugh. If she has a problem, she should have just talked to you! What is this nonsense?! I don’t know you but I know for sure you don’t deserve this. You are better off without so called “friend”, OP. Even if you’d made up now, how can you guarantee that she won’t do this to you again? Chin up, OP. People come and people go. Let her go.

You’re dropping out because of her bad behaviour! Don’t you dare cover any costs of the hen do, or pay for the dress… if you have the dress get it sent back to her address and leave it there, if she has the dress then she can return it! It won’t have been altered so she can get a refund.

Honestly OP stop wasting your thoughts on this person who doesn’t give you a second thought! Don’t worry about if you look bad dropping out, because who ever cancels your invite (you or her) she’ll tell everyone what she wants them to know anyway!
I don’t think the ‘mutual friend’ is very mutual either… in her position I’d have contacted you to find out what was going on. … has she dropped you too???

I don’t think this wedding deserves a second more of your time or money, now out of the hen do and just simply say in the chat ‘sorry guys I can’t make the hen do now, my personal situation has changed (which it has as you’re no longer friends)… and say ‘I hope you all have a lovely time and make it super special for (insert the bitches name!)..
As for the wedding….. we’ll I’d say the lack of dress fittings and contact says it all…. I wouldn’t contact her about the wedding at all now, I’m fact I’d call the makeup place etc and ask for a refund for anything you’ve already spent or even ask if you can go in and have a make over with the money you’ve spent already so it’s not wasted or taken off her final bill!

I think frankly you sound lovely and you deserve and probably have better friends…. Her on the other hand will end up falling out with everyone one by one, she can’t use her child hood trauma as an excuse to be a dick forever!!

please please move on OP…. It hurts now but in a few years time you’ll look back and wish you had just dropped her drama and blocked her… I wouldn’t even leave the lines open for her now…. Ghosting you at a friends party, ignoring your texts, not giving an explanation … Setting up a WhatsApp group without you….. nah that’s not a friend…. Ditch the drama Queen and go book a lovely weekend away somewhere with other friends instead of spending money on her hen do and wedding.

I also think this.

This is a great reply- you can move on with your head held high, be the bigger person and don’t leave things on a sour note

@Aquamarine1029
I agree with you. Enough is enough. You've gone well beyond pandering to this bitch. Leave the chat. Block her and don't contact the MiL. If necessary she will contact you. Put an end to thus pseudo friendship and find some real friends. I feel really bad for you 😞.

Have you been trying it on with the groom? Or has your other half been trying it on with the bride? That family do where she suddenly started acting rude, was somebody there too drunk to behave?
I'm not trying to cause paranoia, just thinking of scenarios why at that do she
suddenly started to go all weird on you.

@Aperolsprizter it seems like you’re stuck between a rock & a hard place.
You’re worried about causing drama if you tell the group but equally if you drop out with no word to anyone you’ll be equally bad mouthed.
I’ve been in a situation where before an ex friend’s wedding I didn’t speak up on the way I was being treated as a bridesmaid by the bridezilla - for fear of detracting from her day, causing unnecessary drama, being the bigger person, thinking she was just stressed etc.
I sorely wish I had in retrospect because the bride bad mouthed me to everyone anyway (I still did my duty as bridesmaid) at the wedding, when I’d done nothing wrong. And it was the first thing anyone said when they came up to me. Even then I didn’t say anything not wanting to detract from her special day & shut it down.

I really think of you don’t get across the truth you will be slagged off far more, than if you don’t & disappear with no explanation.

You are leaving it open for the bride to play the victim & cast you as the baddie. Yes I know what she says may be irrelevant because you know the truth & that’s all that should matter - but your integrity & reputation I think is important as is your ability to be able to defend yourself when being treated abominably.

PP’s suggestions for how to word any message are really good.

I’d stay in the chat - because I’m nosey. And for the same reason I would just HAVE to know what the issue was - I’d PM the MIL and tell her that Bride hasn’t spoken to you for 6months and you’re totally bemused as to why.

From your last post…”Another slightly baffling point is that I saw today she’s been spending time with an aquaintance of hers who I was actually planning a date with (we work in similar fields) I weirdly haven’t heard from him for a few days after she’s seen him. So I don’t know if that’s another element as well (doubt it, think she just wants me out of the wedding”
Did he ever get in touch again?

Do this. If you’re worried about others in the group. Clarify and then exit. Either way they will be in touch with the bride and she will set the last narrative about you. Nothing much you can do except the satisfaction of putting your side to them.

i hate people who are not direct, you've asked what is wrong and clearly unaware .. this is mind games at its best ... as by my name i am a massive over thinker and this would bring me right down the not knowing..

come out of the group and block her hun for your own sanity, if she's already not prepared to tell you after months of asking then it will be some stupid bullshit that could of been resolved months ago, the fact she's hanging onto it is weird. let us know how you get on as this is not how to treat a friend xx

It is tough though. Once my best friend I'd known for two years moved house and she just said nothing, didn't respond to my emails or want to keep in touch. Later when I thought about it I realised that I think she was a bit jealous of my situation. I noticed she'd been making subtle digs implying my boyfriend was too nice for me (she was single after a bad break up a few years ago) and I think I'd just started to say things that unintentionally irritated her.

Some people will be open and say look I find this hard or please could you stop talking about x or they work out a way to manage their triggers and emotions. Others will just ghost because they don't have the emotional intelligence for the conversation, there are triggers from their past or they have a lack of investment in personal relationships. Sometimes you never know what really happened. Another friend was ghosted by a close friend because the husband fancied her!!

I was so upset for about a year that this friend ghosted me. But equally it's not about who's wrong or right, she decided not to speak to me and not to explain so therefore the decision is made. I've since found better friends and learnt to recognise more when someone is unhappy in the friendship 🙂❤️

Thanks! That’s the one! Some of the bridezilla posts are mind blowing.

Message her and ask what the problem is. I suspect someone's said something - she said A,B,C which once you know, you can clear that up.
She's being unfair by being rude and also ignoring you.

Take back control. She has painted you into a corner - out manoeuvre her.

Message bride with a deadline for her response and a consequence.

Dear B,

MIL said you would be in touch on x date. If I haven’t heard from you by z date I will take your silence as a message that I am not in the wedding party, invited to the event and that our friendship is over.

Then after the deadline I would message the group as sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Bright breezy polite adult.

Hi All,

B has not responded to any communications from me for x months. I have asked if there is an issue that we need to resolve and I have continually been ignored - so I am now assuming my presence isn’t welcome and withdrawing from the wedding.

I hope you all have a great day.

Take care.

Been doing that for 6 months.