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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to spend Mother's Day with MIL?

373 replies

WorkingMutha · 06/02/2023 17:37

My MIL has just sent me an email asking that our family come to hers for Mother's Day. I honestly cannot think of a worse way of spending Mother's Day. She extends this "invitation" every year and every year we get guilt tripped when we decline. I have a DH and two DDs who try to spoil me on the day by taking me out to brunch or similar. I think it's really sweet that they try to give me a day off. However, my MIL seems to think we should be celebrating her motherhood and can't understand why we wouldn't want to go to their house and spoil her on the day. Hubby is on my side and doesn't want to spend the day at his parents', either. He'll send her flowers, call and send a card but AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 07/02/2023 11:31

Pinkypurplecloud · 06/02/2023 17:44

I’d just do things on different days and go out for brunch with your DH and DDs on a different day - added bonus less busy restaurant. Or just invite her with you. Or offer to see her the day before.

I’m half in agreement. However, I’d offer her the different day. Perhaps the Saturday.

do you see your mother ?

luckylavender · 07/02/2023 11:32

Amybelle88 · 06/02/2023 21:24

@luckylavender

Your son lives away therefore it's not a 'choice'. It's a geographical fact that he's too far away.

Manufactured dates or otherwise - yeah, I do appreciate them a little more. I had pancreatic cancer when I was 27 and my son was 1, daughter 3 months old. In our house we take every opportunity to celebrate what we can, Mother's Day included as I'm particularly grateful that I'm still here to be one. My kids don't know I've had cancer and I don't plan on telling them; we are grateful for each day, even the 'manufactured' ones, but our outlook is a lot less cynical than to call them that.

I'm sorry to hear that. Genuinely. But I do think we can cherish our loved ones without being told to do so. Especially when these events are triggering for some people for so many reasons.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/02/2023 11:34

Also I resent this idea of being given oen day off a year. Does he get a day off a year? Nope, bet he gets it as and when he wants / needs it but I should be so shackled to the tending of everyone's needs that I should only want a brief reprise from duty once a year?

Thankfully DH knows better. Well go out for lunch with HIS MOM and ill see mine but she will probably go for lunch with my sister. I'll get a card and a nice present, as will his Mom and my Mom. And as will we train our SONS to do (not my DilS job) when they're older

Tellmeimcrazy · 07/02/2023 11:35

Pinkypurplecloud · 06/02/2023 17:44

I’d just do things on different days and go out for brunch with your DH and DDs on a different day - added bonus less busy restaurant. Or just invite her with you. Or offer to see her the day before.

A different day isn't Mothers Day though is it? Sorry but ridiculous suggestion.
If Hub wants to spoil OP with lunch pr whatever then that's great. He could take the girls round and give OP a break in the afternoon but he clearly wants to be home. Its his mum so his call. I'd personally be seeing my mum and my partners mum too, as well as doing something just us.

TheBookThieves · 07/02/2023 11:37

Hubby is on my side and doesn't want to spend the day at his parents', either

"Hubby" sounds just as cold as you.

Ohforaquietlife · 07/02/2023 11:37

I expect all those poor people in Turkey and Syria who have lost their relatives in the recent terrible earthquake would love to see their parents again. Just food for thought......

America12 · 07/02/2023 11:41

I can understand you not wanting to spend the day with her.
However, she's still a mother , if your children have children will you consider yourself not a mother anymore?

Wishawisha · 07/02/2023 11:41

None of us make much / any of a fuss about Mother’s Day here so I wouldn’t expect to see my MIL or my own mother necessarily (unless it happened to be a day we all wanted to visit) but equally I don’t expect anything from my children more than the cards they make at school.

If we were a family that did do a bit of a thing for Mother’s Day I would expect to have to make a fuss of my mother and for my DH to make a fuss of his equal to the fuss I get from my own children. We’re all mothers equally and no one deserves more than the other.

StarsSand · 07/02/2023 11:48

It's a whole day, there is time to see her and do your own thing.

Your DH should want to do something nice with his mother on Mother's Day.

You sound a bit mean.

SillySausage81 · 07/02/2023 11:49

YANBU to not want to spend it with her (and she is BVU and weird to expect people who aren't her own children to do things for her on mother's day (for one thing, don't you and her other DILs have your own mothers too??!)

However, YABU to say "the torch has passed". She is still your DH's mother and always will be.

HE should go over his mum's on his own, while you spend it with your daughters (and your mother, if you like.

IsItThough · 07/02/2023 11:49

"AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?"

This is horrible, so I put YANBU

But YABU to not necessarily want to be reduced to just something in her orbit

Find a different way - go out, invite her to yours etc

God Mothers Day is so toxic when you think about it

IsItThough · 07/02/2023 11:51

Oh god the other way round on the voting, ugh

Also all I have ever wanted for Mothers Day has been a £1 bunch of daffs a homemade card (if someone's felt moved to make one) and a cup of tea in bed.

dutysuite · 07/02/2023 11:56

Personally I think it’s nice to get together with family on Mother’s Day, my children always give my mother and my MIL flowers too which always puts a big smile on their face. I’d never discourage my husband from seeing his mother on Mother’s Day, in fact I always ensure he hasn’t forgotten to phone her / send card etc if he hasn’t seen her.

AgeingDoc · 07/02/2023 11:56

Completely agree with you Wishawisha
My Mum was never really bothered about Mother's Day and nor am I - we're not a family who does "occasions" at all really, no fuss over birthdays etc either.
But if you are a family that celebrates such events, which it seems like the OP's is, then it seems fair to share things out. It's obviously something that matters a lot to the OP's MIL, if she asks every year, and unless there is some backstory about her being a terrible abusive person or something, surely it wouldn't hurt to spend at least some of the day with her some years?
I'm not particularly close to my MIL and I definitely don't spend my life at her beck and call, but she is my husband's mother and my children's grandmother so I think it's right that her wishes come first on some occasions.

Ruth98 · 07/02/2023 11:58

Mother's day to me is about my mum, my mother in law and my aunt (who doesn't have children but has been a 2nd mum to me my whole life). If my husband and kids get me a present / make me breakfast in bed then that's lovely (they usually do) but I don't expect it to be all about me. I've had less than a decade of being a mum where as the mums/mother figures to me and my husband have had 40 years of it, I'd rather spoil them.

Newlifestartingatlast · 07/02/2023 12:00

I can see both sides of this. OPs kids are young and off course she wants to have a day when her efforts are recognised - a long lie in etc, and not have to get up for a stressful day of visiting MIL and trying to find space for her own
lazy day.

but MILs of sons have a hard time. They do tend to be forgotten in amoungst a DILs day and DIL wanting to spoil her own mum.

I was married for 30 years, so we did a couple of different options depending where we lived

option 1: got in quick with invitexand Sunday lunch booked for MIL and my own mum ( seperate events) on weekends before and after saying specifically that you want to treat them

option 2- say that there’s 3 mum involved here, and you’ll rotate each year, 1 year for you, next year MILS and next year your mums .

asking you every year to go to hers, is ignoring you too have a mum , let alone are a mum who is probably knackered and wants a pyjama day mostly

Amybelle88 · 07/02/2023 12:03

@luckylavender

Every occasion could be triggering for someone. At the end of the day, you have to celebrate what you want to celebrate.

If you don't want to, that's fine - but trying to downcry others by enforcing a narrative that they're 'manufactured', as if to insinuate those celebrating are idiots, is just a bit nasty IMO. Do you ignore all celebrations? Christmas etc?

As a family, OP clearly celebrates Mother's Day. Therefore the standard is already set that they acknowledge it as a family. That's their choice. Which is why excluding her husbands mum is mean.

We celebrate, too, my children love it so yes, I would still be heartbroken if I didn't see my son on Mother's Day no matter what age he was. I expect nothing by the way, just to see him. And we show each other we love each other every day on top of that - we just enjoy to have a day to give thanks, too.

rogueone · 07/02/2023 12:03

We occasionally did mothers day together but both my mum and MIL were never on there own on mothers day and always saw one of their kids and grandkids. . However your DH is the person who should be wanting to see his own mother. I am going to assume your own mother isn't around which is why you seem to think MIL has had her time and cant be arsed. Good luck with your own kids when they stop being arsed with you and dump you when they have there own kids and you become a major inconvenience

Pinkypurplecloud · 07/02/2023 12:07

Tellmeimcrazy · 07/02/2023 11:35

A different day isn't Mothers Day though is it? Sorry but ridiculous suggestion.
If Hub wants to spoil OP with lunch pr whatever then that's great. He could take the girls round and give OP a break in the afternoon but he clearly wants to be home. Its his mum so his call. I'd personally be seeing my mum and my partners mum too, as well as doing something just us.

Show quote history

This’ll blow your mind then, but I don’t necessarily celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day! And my kid’s birthday party isn’t on his birthday this year either. World still turning, everyone still happy.

It’s a date on a calendar. Pick a different one, do something nice, job done. Nothing ridiculous about it. What’s ridiculous is falling out with people or hurt feelings or upsetting your DH’s mother over which day you get a bunch of flowers and a fancy meal, or she gets everyone to go for lunch. And what’s really really ridiculous (and a bit offensive) is “ranking” motherhood in some sort of hierarchy of which mother is more important based on age of child. There’s 365 days in the year, enough for everyone.

MrsAvocet · 07/02/2023 12:11

asking you every year to go to hers, is ignoring you too have a mum , let alone are a mum who is probably knackered and wants a pyjama day mostly
You could be right but I didn't read it that way. I think it's about MIL feeling ignored. She ask every year but gets knocked back every year. I'd probably have given up asking after the first couple of years so the fact that she still asks suggests to me that it matters a lot to her. If they were seeing something of her say, every 3rd year and prioritising the OP and the OP's mum the other 2 years that would be reasonable, but it doesn't sound to be the case.
My eldest lives a long way away with a long term partner. They don't yet have children but I suspect they will soon, and then there will 3 families for them to think about on special occasions. I absolutely do not expect to see them every time, but if I was never the priority, I think I would feel very sad.* *

SleepingStandingUp · 07/02/2023 12:12

let alone are a mum who is probably knackered and wants a pyjama day mostly if OP is only allowed to be tired and lazy one day of the year, she has a DH problem not a MIL problem

Pardon44 · 07/02/2023 12:15

My MIL died. We always do mothers day on the Saturday. On the Sunday in the morning we go to the cemetery and spend a few hours with FIL. Then we go to my mums in the evening.

Your DH is the arsehole here. MIL is his mum and he should make more effort than sending a bunch of flowers.

saraclara · 07/02/2023 12:17

I'm not sure why OP has decided that the invitation is to celebrate her MIL. Given that MIL is hosting and cooking, it doesn't sound like much of a day off for her. Maybe she sees it as a treat for OP and family. It's an invitation, not a demand. Especially since she sent it to OP (a mother) and not her son.

lieselotte · 07/02/2023 12:23

A different day isn't Mothers Day though is it? Sorry but ridiculous suggestion

Of course it's not ridiculous - it's only a made-up day anyway and eating out is unpleasant as everywhere is too busy and full of other peoples' badly behaved kids, and the meals are usually overpriced and not very good.

It makes very good sense to go out on a different day.

Even better just ignore it, and be nice to your mum or MIL all year round.

lieselotte · 07/02/2023 12:25

Your DH is the arsehole here. MIL is his mum and he should make more effort than sending a bunch of flowers

Not sure what else you expect if you don't live close by. Last year was the first time I'd spent Mother's Day with my mum since I became an adult I think. It always falls in term-time which doesn't help if you have school-aged children.