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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to spend Mother's Day with MIL?

373 replies

WorkingMutha · 06/02/2023 17:37

My MIL has just sent me an email asking that our family come to hers for Mother's Day. I honestly cannot think of a worse way of spending Mother's Day. She extends this "invitation" every year and every year we get guilt tripped when we decline. I have a DH and two DDs who try to spoil me on the day by taking me out to brunch or similar. I think it's really sweet that they try to give me a day off. However, my MIL seems to think we should be celebrating her motherhood and can't understand why we wouldn't want to go to their house and spoil her on the day. Hubby is on my side and doesn't want to spend the day at his parents', either. He'll send her flowers, call and send a card but AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

OP posts:
Thinkbiglittleone · 07/02/2023 14:55

I hope with that I maintain a good enough relationship with our DS that he actually wants to see me on Mother's Day once he has children of his own.

I think it's sad when sons don't want to see their own mothers,as your husband has.

I think their is space for all the wonderful mothers at some point during the day, but then we all got on, so we made it work.

It's your husbands choice how he spends his Mother's Day, and of course he can choose to spend it as he sees fit. I just think it's sad he doesn't want to visit his mum.

saraclara · 07/02/2023 15:00

It's weird to think that there's only one mother of any importance in an extended family. 'The holder of the torch' indeed.

I can just imagine the scene when the new mum comes home from hospital. "Right, hand me that torch. It's my turn now, you can just fuck off Mum/MIL. You've had your go. It's all about me now"

LaDamaDeElche · 07/02/2023 15:08

I think you’ll feel differently when your kids have grown up, if they don’t want to spend time with you. She is still your DH’s mum, as your mum is still yours, however, if it’s something that really bothers you, maybe your DH could go for lunch/dinner the day before with his mum and do something with you on the Sunday.

wordler · 07/02/2023 15:15

Also - there comes a time when you don't have your mother anymore that you'd long to be able to see her on Mother's Day.

I didn't mind sharing my Mother's Day for the two years I had DC and my Mum with me. It's a sharp stab of grief on Mother's Day now that the 'torch has finally passed to me' on my side of the family.

It's also why I am more than happy to share celebrations with my MIL while she is still here.

AmillionReasons · 07/02/2023 15:59

'I can just imagine the scene when the new mum comes home from hospital. "Right, hand me that torch. It's my turn now, you can just fuck off Mum/MIL. You've had your go. It's all about me now"

Is isn't the Olympics 😂i also think it isn't either or. It's is fine to want the day to yourself and see your mother/MIL a different day, send card/gifts etc.

LovePoppy · 07/02/2023 20:22

wordler · 07/02/2023 15:15

Also - there comes a time when you don't have your mother anymore that you'd long to be able to see her on Mother's Day.

I didn't mind sharing my Mother's Day for the two years I had DC and my Mum with me. It's a sharp stab of grief on Mother's Day now that the 'torch has finally passed to me' on my side of the family.

It's also why I am more than happy to share celebrations with my MIL while she is still here.

Don’t do this.

I hate this guilt tripping.

Ginger1982 · 07/02/2023 20:22

Funny how you've not been back OP...

LovePoppy · 07/02/2023 20:23

Ginger1982 · 07/02/2023 20:22

Funny how you've not been back OP...

I wouldn’t considering how people keep calling her mean

1FootInTheRave · 07/02/2023 20:47

I feel really sad for your mil.

Can you not include her in your fancy brunch out?

Floofyduffypuddy · 07/02/2023 20:59

Ok one post!

Well... If she's a nice woman and isn't spiteful etc the. Why not? Where is your mum?
Surely the ideal is all mums together?

OhmygodDont · 07/02/2023 21:21

I mean my ideal day to relax wouldn’t be with my mum or my mil. Ops dh is the one responsible for his mother. Why is it once again wife work. Daughter in laws having to be the ones to give and bend for what is actually work for their husbands.

Blossomtoes · 07/02/2023 22:56

Wife work isn’t just for DiLs. None of my bloke’s family would ever get a card or a present if I didn’t sort it out. I enjoy it so it’s not a problem.

Allmyownteeth · 08/02/2023 17:56

Hi there
Not sure if this helps but a few years ago I decided I didn't need to celebrate Mothers Day (or Fathers Day) on a date determined by someone else or a card company. Therefore, I tell my husband and kids way in advance when MY Mothers Day will be this year (usually another date in March) and they take me out (for a much cheaper dinner) and get me cards etc and I am very happy! My husband can pop to see his Mum if he wants to on the "Official Day" - I'm not bothered. We now also pick a date in June/July when we have Father's Day for my husband and we have a great time. The kids especially like it when we have the family days after the Official date as the cards are discounted in the shops!

Allmyownteeth · 08/02/2023 17:58

and just to add, I am a Mother every day of the year so happy to celebrate it on the day of my choosing!

SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2023 18:01

OhmygodDont · 07/02/2023 21:21

I mean my ideal day to relax wouldn’t be with my mum or my mil. Ops dh is the one responsible for his mother. Why is it once again wife work. Daughter in laws having to be the ones to give and bend for what is actually work for their husbands.

Of course there might be a drip feed where MIL is a, total bitch who'll make OP sit on the floor and massage her feet and cook for 30 people. But having dinner with your family isn't WIFE WORK. it's dinner.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2023 18:02

Blossomtoes · 07/02/2023 22:56

Wife work isn’t just for DiLs. None of my bloke’s family would ever get a card or a present if I didn’t sort it out. I enjoy it so it’s not a problem.

Does it not bother you that he has so little regard for his own family tho?

Sennelier1 · 08/02/2023 18:04

oh I've been there! My husband is an only child as were both his parents and they lived together with MIL's parents. They always shared every bit of their privacy and expected the same from me. She even asked me once if my husband woke me up at night. When we had our own children we wanted mother's day to be about our own little family. We went out for brunch or lunch or whatever, made a nice daytrip, I got flowers and cards. Only late in the afternoon we would go to my pIL, also with flowers and chocolates etc. Yes MIL claimed that "it would be the same if I shared my day", but we never agreed. I have to say that when my husband and I got married and the official congratulated me, mrs. [new name], my MIL got up to shake his hand. Yep, that's how she was.

Lamaitresse · 08/02/2023 18:06

Much as my MIL is lovely, I complete agree with you. No way would I want to do that!

CantFindMyMarbles · 08/02/2023 18:07

Mothers Day can be any day of the year. celebrate a different day and stop being such a child

Blossomtoes · 08/02/2023 18:07

SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2023 18:02

Does it not bother you that he has so little regard for his own family tho?

Show quote history

He has lots of regard for his own family and always supplies a generous budget, he’s just shit at it. Whereas I have a good memory for birthdays and I love tracking down the perfect present. He has skills I don’t, thanks to his cooking we eat restaurant quality food all the time. I’m a shit cook. It’s called playing to your strengths.

Yogamamamcr · 08/02/2023 18:31

Time with your DDs whilst they are little is SO precious. Spend it with them and DH.
He can go see his mum the following day with kids if she wants a fuss

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 08/02/2023 18:42

Westfacing · 06/02/2023 17:51

She extends this "invitation" every year and every year we get guilt tripped when we decline

Does she really invite you every year, and every year you decline?

You both sound as bad as each other!

This. Do you both hate her so much? Of course it's still about her too.
Wait til you become an MIL.
Usually there's something lovely about generations of mothers celebrating together

Missingpop · 08/02/2023 18:45

Lovely Mother’s Day evolves around you your a mother so celebrate with your dd; your mil had her time when you Dh was a youngster; & your dd’s will have their time when they become a mummy & you’ll be in the side lines.
I don’t put any pressure on my children as to what they do on Mother’s Day it’s up to them how it’s celebrated it does sound as though your mil is very controlling I don’t even know when Mother’s Day is this year 🤫

Santina · 08/02/2023 18:59

You sound charming, I would give anything to have my late MIL back and have her here for Mother's day. I used to bring her to our house for the week and look after her, she loved it. My husband never suggested it as he didn't want to put on me. I just don't understand why there is so much hatred towards MIL' s.

Just remember, you will be a MIL one day, you get back what you give out you know.

MarvellousMonsters · 08/02/2023 19:14

AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

Yes YABU, she's still a mother, the torch hasn't been passed, it's not just about you. We don't make a huge deal about Mother's Day, but we don't ignore my mum, nor does my ex ignore his mum, we include all the generations. If she tends to monopolise all the 'celebration' then split the day so that you get time with your family too, but you can't just dismiss her.