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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to spend Mother's Day with MIL?

373 replies

WorkingMutha · 06/02/2023 17:37

My MIL has just sent me an email asking that our family come to hers for Mother's Day. I honestly cannot think of a worse way of spending Mother's Day. She extends this "invitation" every year and every year we get guilt tripped when we decline. I have a DH and two DDs who try to spoil me on the day by taking me out to brunch or similar. I think it's really sweet that they try to give me a day off. However, my MIL seems to think we should be celebrating her motherhood and can't understand why we wouldn't want to go to their house and spoil her on the day. Hubby is on my side and doesn't want to spend the day at his parents', either. He'll send her flowers, call and send a card but AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

OP posts:
midnightblue12 · 08/02/2023 19:22

MarvellousMonsters · 08/02/2023 19:14

AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

Yes YABU, she's still a mother, the torch hasn't been passed, it's not just about you. We don't make a huge deal about Mother's Day, but we don't ignore my mum, nor does my ex ignore his mum, we include all the generations. If she tends to monopolise all the 'celebration' then split the day so that you get time with your family too, but you can't just dismiss her.

Ahhh I missed that part of the OP!
God imagine your daughter in law being so entitled that she doesn't think her MIL, her partners mum, he children's Nanna doesn't get to celebrate Mother's Day.

How completely selfish. Yak!!!!

Justbefair · 08/02/2023 19:22

Mothers' day is two way, for you to honour yours and be treated as well. I split it, time for being spoilt and then time to spoil my Mum. They are older than us, still need to be valued even if they don't expect it. Sorry yabu, i wouldn't dream of not making it special. My dh lost his Mum and I lost my dd so be grateful you have them in your life! What's a few hours to make them happy? We are younger and I would hope in the future my dc make the effort for a Mum who does everything to make life the best. Xx

ChrisPPancake · 08/02/2023 19:32

Depends on your relationship I guess. Yab a bit u I think. She's still your dh's mum after all, that didn't stop because he married you and procreated.

feellikeanalien · 08/02/2023 19:35

Wow I obviously missed the memo about Mothers Day now being Mothers With Young Children Day.

I feel that this OP may be more to do with the state of the relationship with her MIL and was prepared to be sympathetic until the statement "AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?"

The ageism on MN is shocking.

Morgysmum · 08/02/2023 19:37

Does she live alone? I ask this, as my mum is happy with a card and present. I also phone her up and wish her happy mothers day. My sister sometimes forgets, so my mum is happy with her card and gift. (my sister is a single mum, with 3 kids, so she may be doesn't get gifts off her kids and forgets her mum.) my mil is also happy with present card and call. So I wonder if your mil is single and feels lonely on mothers day?

NightandViolets · 08/02/2023 19:38

Unlike some PPs I sympathise. My MIL always gets in early and suggested we all take her for lunch and then made the tiny concession that I ‘might want to see my mother too’ without ever recognising that I’m a mum to a young child and baby myself and might like to see my own kids and do something nice with them. Not everyone has that great relationship and nor should they if there is no recognition that you also deserve a break and a say in how the day is spent. I have tried to compromise by suggesting that DH and his brother take MIL for dinner on the day but she doesn’t do evenings so it’s either lunch or DH getting up at crack of dawn to take her for breakfast. Sadly for me the day has become all about doing what MIL wants to do as she never sees my POV and I don’t want an argument (my own mum gets how stressful it can be and is very happy to have a card and see
us another time). I have no advice, just sympathy.

Anjabme · 08/02/2023 19:43

Roll on the day when your daughters marry, become mothers themselves then don’t visit you. You and your husband deserve each other. I hope your MIL has a wonderful day, with or without you.

Itsybitsyminion · 08/02/2023 19:46

Wow... All this hate on these messages... Bloody hell! I get you op. We have a 3yo and I love the attention on this day by DH and DD. It still feels new to me. I am pretty sure by the time I am 60 I will remember the feeling of being a new mum and won't pressure my daughter's husband and children to spend the day with me. My husband pops in in the morning to see MIL and I remember one occasion she complained because he couldn't stay long and he mentioned this was my day as well and I was waiting for him and DD to go out. It's the circle of life!
I do the same with my mother and never I heard any complaints from her. She's my mother everyday and I give her all the attention possible on the other 364 days of the year.

SarahsHoneydew · 08/02/2023 19:50

“Mother Day isn’t about her anymore?!” Are you ok with the thought of your kids not bothering with you on the day once they become parents? Just my opinion but it sounds pretty selfish, she hasn’t stopped being a mother just because you are one now!

hiyaKen · 08/02/2023 20:07

Oh dear

It's not bloody xmas day. Cant you see her a diff day?

Forgooodnesssakenow · 08/02/2023 20:09

My mil and I have a bit of a complicated relationship, she's very selfish and passive aggressive and I'm a bit too direct so the 2 don't mix well.

My mum died 10 yes ago while we were having miscarriage and infertility issues so mother's day is also complicated for me.

My deal is mother's day morning we do something for me and I don't take any part in organising his mum's mother's day gift. He cantake the kids to see her for a bit if he likes and I get a little time to remember my mum.

My mil was a dick about it last year and barged into he house unannounced, we didn't have her gift ready, insisted on staying all afternoon. I was very taken aback. She texted me later saying I seemed annoyed. I just said 'oh mother's day is a mixed bag for me with missing mummy' and she was a at least apologetic. But she'd clearly decided she deserved the whole day and decided just to take it .

Anyway op I think you're being selfish and unfair, you don't have to celebrate your mil but your husband and children should be free to do so.

GUARDIAN1 · 08/02/2023 20:10

I don’t think you have to spend the day with your MiL, but your DH could take your DDs to see her at some point in the day. You could also go see yours if distance makes it possible.

Mollymoostoo · 08/02/2023 20:18

It's his mother not yours. Encourage him to let you have a lie in whilst he goes with the kids to see her and then you get taken out for lunch after.
I used to get this, now my MIL has died we have a trio to the cemetery. I never get to have Mothers day to myself and it makes me feel sad.

crossstitchingnana · 08/02/2023 20:21

I haven't spent Mothers Day with my mum for 25-30 years. Purely geography.

Justalittlebitduckling · 08/02/2023 20:24

It’s still about her. She doesn’t stop being a mother just because you are one as well.

LovelyIssues · 08/02/2023 20:45

I would just reply "we've already made plans but will pop With your Mother's Day card etc on whatever day suits you". End of.

jannier · 08/02/2023 21:09

Morgysmum · 08/02/2023 19:37

Does she live alone? I ask this, as my mum is happy with a card and present. I also phone her up and wish her happy mothers day. My sister sometimes forgets, so my mum is happy with her card and gift. (my sister is a single mum, with 3 kids, so she may be doesn't get gifts off her kids and forgets her mum.) my mil is also happy with present card and call. So I wonder if your mil is single and feels lonely on mothers day?

Good mother's don't let on they are disappointed they suck it up and say it's fine....but it doesn't always mean they are.

saraclara · 08/02/2023 21:19

jannier · 08/02/2023 21:09

Good mother's don't let on they are disappointed they suck it up and say it's fine....but it doesn't always mean they are.

Show quote history

True. I'm sure my own kids think I'm fine with stuff that I've struggled with.

Seriously, I've put a brave face on SO much since my kids became adults. Even more so since I joined this forum and realised how annoying people find their mums/MILs.

Genuinely, I've found having adult kids the most difficult period of parenting. My kids are great, but I absolutely over think almost every interaction, in case they think I'm interfering/not showing enough interest etc etc. It's like walking a tightrope. It's so easy to come down on the wrong side of things, even with the best of intentions.

jannier · 08/02/2023 21:27

saraclara · 08/02/2023 21:19

True. I'm sure my own kids think I'm fine with stuff that I've struggled with.

Seriously, I've put a brave face on SO much since my kids became adults. Even more so since I joined this forum and realised how annoying people find their mums/MILs.

Genuinely, I've found having adult kids the most difficult period of parenting. My kids are great, but I absolutely over think almost every interaction, in case they think I'm interfering/not showing enough interest etc etc. It's like walking a tightrope. It's so easy to come down on the wrong side of things, even with the best of intentions.

Show quote history

Exactly it's like when you become a mum you think it's hard when they have their own families your on an emotional roller coaster of worry and wanting to help but have no part to play ....unless they want childcare. I'm lucky my son is great and I have the most amazing not DIL but naturally girls go to their mum's and that can be hard.

Anklespraying · 08/02/2023 21:39

There's actually a grandparents Day on 1st October.

Think of it as a promotion to a more senior position and let the junior staff take over the mother's day duties. It's about partners getting little children to appreciate mum isn't it?

Grandparents have a different role once there are another generation of mums.

My adult sons don't usually remember. I care not, as they gave me daffodils and handmade cards from school when they were little cherubs and this was all wondrous and new to them, and those memories are far, far nicer than a duty text or call.

Cate0101 · 08/02/2023 22:14

I understand families. You do what you want to do.

saraclara · 08/02/2023 22:40

There's actually a grandparents Day on 1st October.

You must be about the only person who's ever heard of it.

...and those memories are far, far nicer than a duty text or call.

Thank goodness my DDs don't seem to see marking Mothers Day as a duty.

T1Dmama · 08/02/2023 22:46

I’m a mother but still have a mother and my mother still has a mother (4 generations).. non of us stopped becoming a mum when they became grandmothers… we always spend the morning together and my daughter does me breakfast in bed, and then go over to my mothers for dinner and exchange presents. I buy for my mum and my Nan..

Are you an orphan maybe so don’t understand the concept of both being a mother and still having one? That’s very sad if that’s the case, but your MIL must feel so sad her son doesn’t bother… I mean flowers and a card isn’t exactly a huge leap of imagination is it!!

Maybe you could include her in your celebrations or offer to celebrate with her on the Saturday so you still had Mother’s Day alone, or you celebrate on the Saturday and allow her time to see her son on Mother’s Day.

Islandgirl68 · 08/02/2023 23:08

No you ANBU, your DP can pop over to see his mum, in the morning, you can pop to see your mum if she is local, then spend the rest of the day with your family getting spoilt. That's the way it should be.

DollyDoofer · 08/02/2023 23:10

DH and myself always took our DM’s out for lunch on Mothers Day. Our DC’s enjoyed us all spending time together. Plus it meant I had a day off cooking too, as well as having gifts and breakfast in bed from MY DC’s.

Your MIL is your DH’s mother. Why wouldn’t he want to spend time with her on Mothers Day? Is there a back story OP? Where does YOUR mother fit into this? 🤔