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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to spend Mother's Day with MIL?

373 replies

WorkingMutha · 06/02/2023 17:37

My MIL has just sent me an email asking that our family come to hers for Mother's Day. I honestly cannot think of a worse way of spending Mother's Day. She extends this "invitation" every year and every year we get guilt tripped when we decline. I have a DH and two DDs who try to spoil me on the day by taking me out to brunch or similar. I think it's really sweet that they try to give me a day off. However, my MIL seems to think we should be celebrating her motherhood and can't understand why we wouldn't want to go to their house and spoil her on the day. Hubby is on my side and doesn't want to spend the day at his parents', either. He'll send her flowers, call and send a card but AIBU to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

OP posts:
Motheranddaughter · 07/02/2023 12:28

I always prioritise my mother on Mother’s Day,rather than myself
DH does what he chooses with his DM

orchid220 · 07/02/2023 12:36

It would be nice for him to pop around and give her a card/present at some point in the day. I agree with you that the day should focus on you as you are the one looking after children. You and your children don't need to visit her as she's not your mother.

CrazyLadie · 07/02/2023 12:43

ReamsOfCheese · 06/02/2023 17:51

I always think some people take this stuff too far. Surely a big fuss on Mother's Day should stop when you become a grandmother and grandmothers should celebrate on Grandparent's Day instead to avoid calendar clashes like this. No you shouldn't have to dick around worshipping MIL on mother's day although I'm sure all those who can't let go will pile on to say otherwise. She should be happy with a card and a phone/video call.

How many people actually celebrate or even know about grandparents day? Would never not see my Mum on mothers day, we spoil each other and include the wee man

YellowMonday · 07/02/2023 12:46

I would give anything for the chance to celebrate mothers day with my mum.

Why can't you and your kids/husband do brunch, then he takes his mum to afternoon tea? Even though it would be nice of you and your kids to go, you don't need to.

I would be very unhappy if my husband was ok with treating his mum this way.

Jumbojade · 07/02/2023 12:49

Sorry OP, another who thinks you don’t seem very nice.

Just think of the precedent you are setting for your dds! Hopefully they will lead by example, when they have their own children. You said in your OP that you think “that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her (substitute YOU for her) anymore?” Therefore,* *I’m sure you won’t be disappointed if they are too busy being spoiled by their own DCs, to bother about you on future Mother’s Days!

I just wish I still had my dm, to spoil on Mother’s Day, despite having my own DCs and DGCs, who incidentally do bother about me on Mother’s Day!

Lobelia123 · 07/02/2023 12:52

Do people just skim through the original post and not really take in the nuances? All these pious posts are completely missing the point. The OP is saying that her MIL does not want to share the day and celebrate all the mothers in the family....rather she seems to want to dominate it and make it primarily about her. Thats whats making everyone - including the OPs husband, you know, the actual child of the MIL - draw back and reluctant to go.

jannier · 07/02/2023 12:57

Blossomtoes · 06/02/2023 19:09

I have 2 DS and I am literally dreading being a MIL if all DIL are like many on these boards.

I know. I was called vile the other day for saying how grateful I am not to have a dil.

I do hope my daughter never treats her mil like this when your children move on to be independent naturally some things are lost which is tough but the horrible jealousy over giving a few hours to a mil is disgusting.

BlueWhiteHat · 07/02/2023 13:01

I don’t understand all the YABU. You have young children who want to make the day about you, your DH is sending stuff to his mum so job done.

HikingforScenery · 07/02/2023 13:01

You sound quite mean tbh

Your husband doesn’t sound great either.

Your children are watching so will understand you don’t think they should spend any time with you on mother’s day when they grow up

jannier · 07/02/2023 13:04

phoenixrosehere · 06/02/2023 20:41

This reminds me when I went to a restaurant on Mother’s Day solo (my choice as I choose to do every year since it’s only DH and myself with our sons, no family help) and I watched this mum walking with her toddler to keep them occupied while her husband and his parents were deep in conversation. I was there for an hour and none of them took over for her with the toddler and barely looked her way. By her body language, I doubted she wanted to be there or spend it on her feet walking her toddler around.

Show quote history

She should have given dad the baby....perhaps that's how she's normally treated by her partner ...we do have to speak up for ourselves

Johnnysgirl · 07/02/2023 13:06

strawberry2017 · 06/02/2023 17:40

As long as your husband is sending something for her then I don't see why you have to spend the day with her.
She isn't your mother.

But she is her husband's mother.

CrazyLadie · 07/02/2023 13:07

Same here, I lost my Dad unexpectedly and now I won't let a moment go by where I don't show her how important she is to us

C8H10N4O2 · 07/02/2023 13:09

🎣

strawberry2017 · 07/02/2023 13:10

@Johnnysgirl which is why I said as long as her husbands doing something

PeachyIsThinking · 07/02/2023 13:14

You don’t have to spend the day with her but no the torch hasn’t passed, motherhood doesn’t work like that. If she’s close a quick visit would be nice, if not then no obligation but she’s still mum and you have a lot to learn about motherhood

Badger1970 · 07/02/2023 13:19

I hope you're prepared for your DC to have this reaction to you one day OP ... they'll have seen your DH's example and see it as normal.

Jemimapuddleduk · 07/02/2023 13:20

You sound really mean. Mother’s Day is about all mothers (including grandmothers). I make sure I see my mum one of the days of Mother’s Day weekend and my mother in law the other day. I like making a fuss of them and treating them with a gift.

AmillionReasons · 07/02/2023 13:24

'I make sure I see my mum one of the days of Mother’s Day weekend and my mother in law the other day. I like making a fuss of them and treating them with a gift.'

But the op didn't say she wouldn't see her MIL on one of the other days. It seems the MIL invited for Mother's day specifically. Also op didn't say she doesn't make a fuss with card/gift.

jannier · 07/02/2023 13:33

BashfulClam · 07/02/2023 00:00

Mothering Sunday isn’t actually about mothers at all. Mother’s Day is a made up hallmark thing like Valentine’s Day. So everyone saying it’s to celebrate mothers…it’s not

That was father's day

jannier · 07/02/2023 13:41

AmillionReasons · 07/02/2023 09:36

'I can’t believe younger women are! The whole family, including DM and/or MIL could go out for lunch or have a meal together at home. What OP is saying, is that she can’t stand to do that with her MIL - a whole different ballgame!'

Why should she though? This is DM/MIL's wishes, not hers. Why does an exhausted mother with young dcs have to go out because DM/MIL want to do that? I have tried what you suggested @Quisquam for my first Mother's day with a baby. It was made all about other people, I spent the day running around after others, with a high needs baby which they never helped me with ordinarily let alone on this day. Never again will I try to please others while putting myself last yet again. I wish I'd let dh take the baby and put my feet up!

You don't have to run around ...and she won't as the invite is to MILs house...one she hadn't accepted once over the years....you tell your partner it's mother's day you and fil and kids do all the work while I relax with your mum.

Ladyofthesea · 07/02/2023 13:41

DH goes to MIL for a cuppa on mothers day because she's his mother. I don't go because she's not my mother. I don't have a mother anymore so do my own thing then. We also celebrate together because I'm a mother and DD is too little to buy me a present.

jannier · 07/02/2023 13:46

Lobelia123 · 07/02/2023 12:52

Do people just skim through the original post and not really take in the nuances? All these pious posts are completely missing the point. The OP is saying that her MIL does not want to share the day and celebrate all the mothers in the family....rather she seems to want to dominate it and make it primarily about her. Thats whats making everyone - including the OPs husband, you know, the actual child of the MIL - draw back and reluctant to go.

How does she know as she's never accepted the invitation? Maybe the OH can't handle ops nagging?

purplehair1 · 07/02/2023 13:56

When I was with my ex, he and the kids used to treat me to breakfast in bed, flowers etc in the morning, and we often took his mum out for lunch. My mum wasn’t bothered but we usually took her round flowers and a card. Why can’t you share it? It’s one day when even mums of grown up children should be able to look forward to some contact with their children.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/02/2023 14:03

AmillionReasons · 07/02/2023 09:36

'I can’t believe younger women are! The whole family, including DM and/or MIL could go out for lunch or have a meal together at home. What OP is saying, is that she can’t stand to do that with her MIL - a whole different ballgame!'

Why should she though? This is DM/MIL's wishes, not hers. Why does an exhausted mother with young dcs have to go out because DM/MIL want to do that? I have tried what you suggested @Quisquam for my first Mother's day with a baby. It was made all about other people, I spent the day running around after others, with a high needs baby which they never helped me with ordinarily let alone on this day. Never again will I try to please others while putting myself last yet again. I wish I'd let dh take the baby and put my feet up!

Sounds like you have a DH problem not a MIL problem. Why wasn't he running around doing what yo u were? Why wasn't he doing more with the baby? Why didn't he, knowing how you'd be in the Sunday, make Saturday special for you?

greenwichvillage · 07/02/2023 14:28

to think that the torch has passed and Mother's Day isn't about her anymore?

Really! so what you automatically stop being a mum to your kids once you have grandchildren. How selfish of you to think that.
Your MIL is still a mum to her son, so why can't he spend the day with her.
When one day you become a grandmother will you not want to spend Mothers Day with your daughters. I truly hope they don't treat you like you have treated your MIL. They will learn this behaviour from you.