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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu for expecting my boyfriends baby mum to have her child when she is paid a significant amount to do so

176 replies

Stresseandconfused · 06/02/2023 11:37

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years and are expecting a baby this summer. We have a child each from prev relationship and both have additional needs quite the opposite in personality to eachother but we try and make it work. His ex doesn't allow him to be at my home with his child but because she has stalked harrased and abused us we know this is irrational and just a controling trait from her. We therefore do spend weekends together with the kids. She doesn't want to care for her disabled son and seems to want us to have him every opportunity she can. (he spend all of Christmas with me and my family and didn't see his mum for a single day) baring in mind she has another child who is not disbaled that she spent Christmas with. Now she gets paid £3000 a month for this child because of how severe his disabilities are and doesn't work to care for him however every week she is saying my partner needs to have him Friday to Monday which clashes with us working and doesn't work for us. She gets abusive if we say we cannot do this. She now expects us to have him every half term but my issue is that because I work part time to care for my own child with additional needs I only get a certain amount of leave. I can't take off every half term for my own child let alone hers. My partner can take the time off but if he does as I stil have work and my son stil needs to go to childcare setting this wil be very disruptive to his routine in the morning. We have a 2 bedroom bungalow and my partners child sleeps in my bed with his dad and I sleep on the sofa and the space is small. It is very hard for my son in the morning when getting ready for school he struggles with this every day without having another child with additional needs this causes me a lot of stress to because of how worked up he comes. My partners son has limited understanding and will disrupt my son but not on purpose and it causes chaos. I don't want my son going to school or holiday clubs feeling distressed so I have said if my boyfriend has his son he can go to his mum's during the working week. Now my problem is when I am heavily pregnancy during the summer he will not be here with me for 3 weeks of that summer holidays because Hel be with his son from previous relationship. Am I the arsehole for feeling like his mum who doesn't work should be caring for him rather than disrupting our life? I love his son and am happy for him to be at my home and even sleep in my bed every weekend but during working times I can't put my son under that pressure or cause myself stress in pregnancy. I can't help but feel like he's choosing his past life over me and having a new family? I'm not sure if it's reasonable for him to agree to this and leave me every school holidays. Surely his mum should have him? I have suggested we take off the same annual leave for half of the holidays and have the boys at home together to avoid the long process of stress geting them ready for school and myself for work but I unfortunately only get a small amount of annual leave as I only work 16 hours a week.

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 06/02/2023 11:41

I think it's reasonable, his disabled son has to come first. You chose to be together, sacrifices have to be made.

JimHensonWasAGenius · 06/02/2023 11:42

Where are you getting that she gets £3k a month for him from?

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 06/02/2023 11:44

Can't the son live with you full time and therefore you and your partner claim his DLA, which will then able to you buy / rent somewhere bigger for you all?

His mom can see him when she wants then, as it doesn't seem like she wants him much.

I doubt however that she will be wanting to give up her benefits.

AllOfThemWitches · 06/02/2023 11:44

JimHensonWasAGenius · 06/02/2023 11:42

Where are you getting that she gets £3k a month for him from?

Yeah, I'm missing a trick I think.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/02/2023 11:44

Where on Earth are you going to put the new baby? You’re overcrowded already. They don’t stay tiny for long.

Given what you and your boyfriend think of his ex it surely makes sense for him to be the primary carer to his older child. Then he can get the thousands you seem to think she gets, win win!

BarryKentPoet · 06/02/2023 11:46

Where is this £3k coming from? That is definitely not disability benefits.

Nicknacky · 06/02/2023 11:47

What exactly are you suggesting? That your partner never looks after his son and it’s down to his mum to do it all the time?

You knew when moving in together that you had no space for everyone. It’s up to you and your partner to find a way to make it work.

Soothsayer1 · 06/02/2023 11:48

Boyfriend's baby mum??
This is about 10-year olds playing mummies and daddies, right?

Climbles · 06/02/2023 11:48

I would bet my house she doesn’t get 3k in her bank.
He needs to look after his own child 50% of the time. Anything less is a cop out unless it’s bad for the kid for some reason.
They need a proper agreement because then he would also get financial support if it’s needed.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 06/02/2023 11:48

I doubt 3k a month is Disability benefits, but regardless, she isn't "paid" to look after her child. She is parenting her child, which your boyfriend also should be doing.
If two parents cannot agree on the arrangement, it might be best they seek legal advice and find what is fair for both parents and most importantly, their child.
This isn't your problem to resolve, your partner needs to be the one to sort this.

Namechanger965 · 06/02/2023 11:50

I can't help but feel like he's choosing his past life over me and having a new family

Thats a horrible thing to say. His older child isn’t his ‘past life’ but still a part of his life, regardless of his ‘new’ family. And why you’ve decided to start a new family given the current circumstances I just don’t understand.

Original poster
Stresseandconfused · 06/02/2023 11:51

Sorry that should have said £2000. She gets all disability elements, carers allowance, standard benefits, child maintenance and child benefits. In total this is around £2000. The point is that my partner has him 4 days a week Friday to Monday and she gets benefits and we struggle to work as he cannot be in school due to his disabilities he is waiting to go to a special ed school so we are juggling work between us. 4 days a week each.

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 06/02/2023 11:51

Why in this set up did you think it was sensible to have a child together? You don't have the space for a start. Then there is the fact that there are two children with additional needs to consider as well as blending families. It's tough but it always was going to be. Yabu.

Marblessolveeverything · 06/02/2023 11:52

Surely if the mother is struggling then the dad should step up.

It sounds so challenging and to add another little one, you both need to sit down and figure out how it will work.

And I would seriously be considering the strong possibility of his son being there full time as it sounds to me likely as he gets older and bigger.

You can't make the mother parent not the father. She may simply not be able to cope, some people are not able, sad but true.

RealBecca · 06/02/2023 11:52

So you and your partner dont live together? That obviously cannot continue if you are having a baby together. So his son will have to start staying at your home.

I suggest you (he) gets a written custody and responsibility agreement.

x2boys · 06/02/2023 11:52

Stresseandconfused · 06/02/2023 11:37

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years and are expecting a baby this summer. We have a child each from prev relationship and both have additional needs quite the opposite in personality to eachother but we try and make it work. His ex doesn't allow him to be at my home with his child but because she has stalked harrased and abused us we know this is irrational and just a controling trait from her. We therefore do spend weekends together with the kids. She doesn't want to care for her disabled son and seems to want us to have him every opportunity she can. (he spend all of Christmas with me and my family and didn't see his mum for a single day) baring in mind she has another child who is not disbaled that she spent Christmas with. Now she gets paid £3000 a month for this child because of how severe his disabilities are and doesn't work to care for him however every week she is saying my partner needs to have him Friday to Monday which clashes with us working and doesn't work for us. She gets abusive if we say we cannot do this. She now expects us to have him every half term but my issue is that because I work part time to care for my own child with additional needs I only get a certain amount of leave. I can't take off every half term for my own child let alone hers. My partner can take the time off but if he does as I stil have work and my son stil needs to go to childcare setting this wil be very disruptive to his routine in the morning. We have a 2 bedroom bungalow and my partners child sleeps in my bed with his dad and I sleep on the sofa and the space is small. It is very hard for my son in the morning when getting ready for school he struggles with this every day without having another child with additional needs this causes me a lot of stress to because of how worked up he comes. My partners son has limited understanding and will disrupt my son but not on purpose and it causes chaos. I don't want my son going to school or holiday clubs feeling distressed so I have said if my boyfriend has his son he can go to his mum's during the working week. Now my problem is when I am heavily pregnancy during the summer he will not be here with me for 3 weeks of that summer holidays because Hel be with his son from previous relationship. Am I the arsehole for feeling like his mum who doesn't work should be caring for him rather than disrupting our life? I love his son and am happy for him to be at my home and even sleep in my bed every weekend but during working times I can't put my son under that pressure or cause myself stress in pregnancy. I can't help but feel like he's choosing his past life over me and having a new family? I'm not sure if it's reasonable for him to agree to this and leave me every school holidays. Surely his mum should have him? I have suggested we take off the same annual leave for half of the holidays and have the boys at home together to avoid the long process of stress geting them ready for school and myself for work but I unfortunately only get a small amount of annual leave as I only work 16 hours a week.

How is she getting 3k,a month
I have a disabled child who is on the.highest rates of DLA,due to the severity of his disabilities we get no where near 3k month 🙄

Original poster
Stresseandconfused · 06/02/2023 11:54

I also have a disabled son and yes we did choose to be together and we have their son 4 days a week and mine every day (he sees his dad every fortnight). I think the issue is just half terms. I think if she doesn't work and we both do it seems unreasonable to expect us to them have their son aswell. She also has another son she solely cares for and she is happy to have him.

OP posts:
ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 06/02/2023 11:54

What on earth made you think adding a baby to this mix was a good idea?

endingintiers · 06/02/2023 11:55

YABU for starting a thread where the main point is about money rather than about the children's needs. It seems more about bashing her and her benefits rather than thinking about how to ensure this child receives adequate care from both parents. And carers do deserve respite even if they get benefits! How best to share care might be better worked out if you started judging her less, and working with her more.

Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2023 11:56

Why did you think another baby would be a good idea given the existing mess?

MelchiorsMistress · 06/02/2023 11:56

His existing son has needs that he can’t meet, so he shouldn’t be having another child. As it’s too late to do anything about that, you do need to face the consequences of it without detriment to the children that are already here.

A single mum with a child with significant extra needs has every right to expect her child to be cared for by his dad regularly, and she has every right to expect her son to spend a good chunk of the summer holidays with his Dad. The fact that she receives disability payments is completely irrelevant and it’s a bit sick that you think a father has LESS responsibility because his child is disabled.

RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 06/02/2023 11:57

If she is being paid carer's allowance, and you are having his son 3 nights a week, that allowance should be prorated (sp?) and split between you. Child maintenance should be similarly adjusted to reflected the amount you guys have him.

A disabled child is a lot for one person to have to deal with, so if she is overwhelmed and wants your partner to have more responsibility, that isn't unreasonable. It sound like it all needs to be more structured so everyone gets time with the DS equally as that is most fair for parents and child.

BringOnFebBankHoliday · 06/02/2023 11:58

my partner has him 4 days a week........... 4 days a week each.
Since when are there 8 days in a week? And if your DP has his child 4 days a week why is he paying child maintenance?

Original poster
Stresseandconfused · 06/02/2023 12:00

I think everyone seems to take it that I am upset about not getting benefits. The problem is that we don't have enough annual leave to cover her requests for when we should have him. She gets money to look after him to take the pressure of so she doesn't have to work. If we were caring for him and able to take time off as carers we would do that but we can't as she claims this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stresseandconfused · 06/02/2023 12:02

We have him Friday morning until Monday evening. We are the main carers. Accept when it is half term she wants us to have him every day. He currently is not at school.

OP posts: