Aibu for expecting my boyfriends baby mum to have her child when she is paid a significant amount to do so

[Stresseandconfused]

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years and are expecting a baby this summer. We have a child each from prev relationship and both have additional needs quite the opposite in personality to eachother but we try and make it work. His ex doesn't allow him to be at my home with his child but because she has stalked harrased and abused us we know this is irrational and just a controling trait from her. We therefore do spend weekends together with the kids. She doesn't want to care for her disabled son and seems to want us to have him every opportunity she can. (he spend all of Christmas with me and my family and didn't see his mum for a single day) baring in mind she has another child who is not disbaled that she spent Christmas with. Now she gets paid £3000 a month for this child because of how severe his disabilities are and doesn't work to care for him however every week she is saying my partner needs to have him Friday to Monday which clashes with us working and doesn't work for us. She gets abusive if we say we cannot do this. She now expects us to have him every half term but my issue is that because I work part time to care for my own child with additional needs I only get a certain amount of leave. I can't take off every half term for my own child let alone hers. My partner can take the time off but if he does as I stil have work and my son stil needs to go to childcare setting this wil be very disruptive to his routine in the morning. We have a 2 bedroom bungalow and my partners child sleeps in my bed with his dad and I sleep on the sofa and the space is small. It is very hard for my son in the morning when getting ready for school he struggles with this every day without having another child with additional needs this causes me a lot of stress to because of how worked up he comes. My partners son has limited understanding and will disrupt my son but not on purpose and it causes chaos. I don't want my son going to school or holiday clubs feeling distressed so I have said if my boyfriend has his son he can go to his mum's during the working week. Now my problem is when I am heavily pregnancy during the summer he will not be here with me for 3 weeks of that summer holidays because Hel be with his son from previous relationship. Am I the arsehole for feeling like his mum who doesn't work should be caring for him rather than disrupting our life? I love his son and am happy for him to be at my home and even sleep in my bed every weekend but during working times I can't put my son under that pressure or cause myself stress in pregnancy. I can't help but feel like he's choosing his past life over me and having a new family? I'm not sure if it's reasonable for him to agree to this and leave me every school holidays. Surely his mum should have him? I have suggested we take off the same annual leave for half of the holidays and have the boys at home together to avoid the long process of stress geting them ready for school and myself for work but I unfortunately only get a small amount of annual leave as I only work 16 hours a week.

Probably because the partner expected OP to go on maternity then deal with all three of the children, and she’s not. Probably because he thought OP would back down on his son having to stay at his grandmother’s on school mornings, and OP’s son to suck it up, and they’re not.

Probably because OP expected her partner to provide for his family, and stand up to his ex to either work out an arrangement where he’s the main carer of his son and gets the perks, or she is and he works, and bring enough money into his new household, and he’s not.

Society isn’t set up so the separated parents of a disabled child can afford to have one of them not working, one working 3 days a week or fewer and still meet the needs of two households and three other kids.

What a sorry state of affairs.

I don't understand why op thinks they're the main carers when they have him 3 nights a week, what am I missing? And how is the mum receiving £2000 benefits a month, carers allowance is less than £70 a week.

Well, it all certainly needs sorting out before you try for another baby.... oh, oops!
I'd get your living situation sorted out so you don't end up sleeping on the sofa and then go for full custody if you think she is so inept as a mother.

This

What hope do any of the adults or kids in this situation have?

Completely agree re the amount of nights .. doesn’t add up to main carer. The £2000 the OP has mentioned, is all benefits, not just carers .. she said child maintenance, child benefit, carers, disability elements (presumably of UC) etc ..

Am I the arsehole for feeling like his mum who doesn't work should be caring for him rather than disrupting our life?

Yep. If it's all about disrupting your life. Absolutely.

She gets paid £3k, then £2k but then that £2k includes all benefits, including the disability ones and keeps the roof over her head?

She won't let her ex see his child but then again, she wants you to have him all the time? You don't have a disabled child. You have zero idea of the complexity of it, the sheer relentleness of it and everything else. And even less than zero idea of what it is to do it alone.

You have no space but insist on another child? Therefore the disabled child is the one who must be removed because of the disruption he brings to your life? really?

All that said, if she's not going to look after him, he needs to move in with his dad and his dad needs to claim the benefits. You will then need to decide if you are staying or not. It's not his ex's job, however, to care for a disabled child so that your life remains interruption-free. The child has two parents, both need to work out how to manage caring for him. If one is unable to do that, then the other has no choice but to step up and do it.

The whole situation sounds untenable.

Your DP needs to prioritise his child, and half of the holidays is a perfectly normal co-parenting arrangement. He should not be living somewhere his son would be unwelcome for half the holidays.

You also need to prioritise your child. If having DP (which includes DSS during contact time) living with you makes your DC's life significantly harder than it would be without them then you should not have DP living with you.

Why do you think she is getting 3k ? I’m assuming that’s not child maintenance?
you are being unreasonable. Basically as your on is your priority, his son is his priority . If you agreed to live together and have a baby together you should have accounted that both kids and the new baby need rooms . What are you both you doing to solve this ? You clearly need appropriate housing . You can never be a full family if someone’s child is not allowed in the house at certain times .

YABU. She ain’t getting 3K for the disabled child. I have a severely disabled child who’s on high rate everything and I get c £900 in DLA/UC severely disabled child element. I work full time so no Carers allowance.

And because the OP views the disabled child as a nice little income if she can get the pesky ex out of the way.

Your home isn’t big enough for the two severely disabled children you already have, you’ve done nothing but say how hard life is so why the fuck you’re having another baby is beyond me. You’ve made your bed.

And because the OP views the disabled child as a nice little income if she can get the pesky ex out of the way.

All negativity about the ex too, it's fucking hard having a child with disabilities, maybe the woman is really struggling.

I can't help but feel like he's choosing his past life over me and having a new family?

You really need to change your mindset, that is a shocking sentence. His child will never be his past life. His child is his current life, future life and top priority.

The same way (I hope!) your child will never be your past life. Your child is your current life, future life and top priority.

Where the wrong choices have been made is when you have both decided to bring another child into this context where you have two children with high needs that you already cannot cope with emotionally, mentally and already don't have enough room to house adequately.

The money/benefits should be reviewed if his child is staying with you 50/50. But expecting to change or reduce the contact time with his existing child to make way for the next one is very very unreasonable.

God help them if this child is disabled too. What a shit show.

I would add up the days she is expecting you to have him. If this equates to 183 days or more then go back to her and say OK. However to do this you will need to transfer the benefits claim to his dad (and cut the.maintenance payment) so that you can provide the care he needs. You can then potentially seek better housing for the 4/5 of you

If she's doing it for the money then she'll back off, if she's doing it for the respite she will negotiate.

As for your household, you need to lokom at rearranging things to make a separate space for the child (dining room conversion perhaps?) So that your partner can deal with him.properly on his days. I do think however of the sake of your child you might need to consider separating at least living arrangements until you can secure better space. And put some serious thought as to how you are going to manage this baby and your exisiting child solo as clearly you will be.

he's choosing his past life over me and having a new family?

WTH?! You want him to abandon his child because he’s having a new one with you?

Why would you chose to have another baby in this chaos?

Your partner needs to step up and take on more responsibility for his child. And you need to wind your neck in. You knew he had a disabled child when you met him.

I'm not a fan of the whole 'why did you choose to bring a baby into this?' because it's generally too late and therefore, super unhelpful but what a risk here. My youngest is disabled and had he been my first, he'd be an only child.

I think you should work out what percentage of the year you have the DC & have that percentage of the benefits, in order to be able to adapt or move house.

The child's Mum doesn't get to decide who her child spends time woth when he is at hospital Dads unless she ca prove to ss/court she is a danger

I'm not a fan of the whole 'why did you choose to bring a baby into this?' because it's generally too late and therefore, super unhelpful but what a risk here. My youngest is disabled and had he been my first, he'd be an only child.

And, usually, I would agree, but her original post is bitter and spiteful and there are innocent children in the mix, with the OP not wanting her DP to prioritise his own child. I just don't understand these women..

I mean, the housing situation needs to be sorted immediately, anyway. It should have been sorted long before TTC for another child, for the sake of the two children they already have. It absolutely isn’t fair having one child who has no real space of their own to retreat to when they’re finding things hard, and another child who has to share a bedroom with dad because they don’t even have a bedroom. What about the newborn, who will soon become a toddler? Where do they get to sleep? The living room? The kitchen?

If this is an emergency situation that’s short term it’s one thing, but this sounds like it’s been going on quite a while and neither of you have done anything about it.

You need a four bedroom home, ideally, considering the situation here. It would be hard enough for 3 NT children and two adults to share space in a small 2 bed.

Exactly.

Take a long, hard look at his ex.

That's probably your future