Aibu for expecting my boyfriends baby mum to have her child when she is paid a significant amount to do so

[Stresseandconfused]

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years and are expecting a baby this summer. We have a child each from prev relationship and both have additional needs quite the opposite in personality to eachother but we try and make it work. His ex doesn't allow him to be at my home with his child but because she has stalked harrased and abused us we know this is irrational and just a controling trait from her. We therefore do spend weekends together with the kids. She doesn't want to care for her disabled son and seems to want us to have him every opportunity she can. (he spend all of Christmas with me and my family and didn't see his mum for a single day) baring in mind she has another child who is not disbaled that she spent Christmas with. Now she gets paid £3000 a month for this child because of how severe his disabilities are and doesn't work to care for him however every week she is saying my partner needs to have him Friday to Monday which clashes with us working and doesn't work for us. She gets abusive if we say we cannot do this. She now expects us to have him every half term but my issue is that because I work part time to care for my own child with additional needs I only get a certain amount of leave. I can't take off every half term for my own child let alone hers. My partner can take the time off but if he does as I stil have work and my son stil needs to go to childcare setting this wil be very disruptive to his routine in the morning. We have a 2 bedroom bungalow and my partners child sleeps in my bed with his dad and I sleep on the sofa and the space is small. It is very hard for my son in the morning when getting ready for school he struggles with this every day without having another child with additional needs this causes me a lot of stress to because of how worked up he comes. My partners son has limited understanding and will disrupt my son but not on purpose and it causes chaos. I don't want my son going to school or holiday clubs feeling distressed so I have said if my boyfriend has his son he can go to his mum's during the working week. Now my problem is when I am heavily pregnancy during the summer he will not be here with me for 3 weeks of that summer holidays because Hel be with his son from previous relationship. Am I the arsehole for feeling like his mum who doesn't work should be caring for him rather than disrupting our life? I love his son and am happy for him to be at my home and even sleep in my bed every weekend but during working times I can't put my son under that pressure or cause myself stress in pregnancy. I can't help but feel like he's choosing his past life over me and having a new family? I'm not sure if it's reasonable for him to agree to this and leave me every school holidays. Surely his mum should have him? I have suggested we take off the same annual leave for half of the holidays and have the boys at home together to avoid the long process of stress geting them ready for school and myself for work but I unfortunately only get a small amount of annual leave as I only work 16 hours a week.

PIP can be about £150 a week depending on the issue

So your DP's ex has TWO DC. One with disabilities, the other without. Is the one without disabilities your DP's child too?

She is therefore caring for two DC 4 days a week, one for 7, having to do school runs etc for one who is at school taking the disabled DC who is not at school with her and then caring for him all day and night on her own? Potentially disturbed nights and still having to get up for her other DCs school run? How can she possibly hold down a job as well?

Does your DP have the other child too? How old are they both?

You're concerned that your DC will be upset that your DP's DC doesn't got to school while a provision is sought for him?

You didn't wait to have another baby before securing more suitable accommodation so you're having to sleep on the sofa?

You're blaming his ex for your troubles🧐?

Your DP should have put the care of his DC in place before having another one with you I'm sorry to say.

Well, she should have her son sometimes.

But your attitude stinks quite frankly. His son is not his "past", his son is his PRESENT and FUTURE.

You don't sound like you've made very smart decisions by deciding to bring anorher baby into this mess.

His ex doesn't allow him to be at my home with his child but because she has stalked harrased and abused us we know this is irrational and just a controling trait from her.

From what you say, the child’s mother doesn’t want you in sole charge of her son. That’s her prerogative- it’s not irrational for her not to want the child’s father to outsource childcare to you.

In your posts you say ‘we’ a lot, but it should be the father of the child who takes responsibility for looking after them, making custody arrangements and claiming any benefits they are entitled to.

You have a DP problem.

This custody arrangement is between your DP and his ex. If they have an informal arrangement and it’s not working, then he needs to go through the courts and get it formalised.

I can't help but feel like he's choosing his past life over me and having a new family?
Your expected baby was planned though? Presumably you and your DP must have thought through the logistics before bringing a new baby into the mix.

Also, reading what I have here today, I’m not shocked the boy’s mother doesn’t want OP looking after her son on her own.

There’s a lot more to that situation than her just stalking and harassing OP for no reason. Something has went down beforehand, but of course OP won’t be honest about what.

Why would anyone want their vulnerable child to be looked after by someone who has literally just described them as their partners “old life”.

Well. This changes things somewhat. 😬

Clearly you shouldn’t be paying maintenance if you have custody for over 50% of the time and you should also split the benefits then you can sort your accommodation out

He is the child's dad and if he has concerns about his child's wellbeing then he should be pushing for the child to live with him full time. I guess if that happened then your partner would received the money youre referring to?
The situation does sound really difficult but this is his child and he has a responsibility as a parent. I don't think it's fair to say his child is his 'past life', and im sure you wouldn't like it if someone called your child from a previous relationship 'your past life' or suggested you that should de prioritise your child as you are having a new baby with a new partner! Ultimately this child is part of your family now..

Now my problem is when I am heavily pregnancy during the summer he will not be here with me for 3 weeks of that summer holidays because Hel be with his son from previous relationship.

I don’t understand this part.

Your partner won’t be with you for half of the summer holidays? Why?

There is so much to unpick here.

I thought the mum was mean by getting rid of her son at every opportunity like weekends and school holidays but if he doesn’t go to school then this is actually quite fair as she has him throughout the week during term time.

How old is he?
I would have thought that this situation will change once he’s in school.

Your DP needs to sort the maintenance out as it seems he’s having him 50/50 so shouldn’t be giving her any money.

Who looks after him during the holidays?
If you and DP both work?

Though it sounds like they put up resistance to having him every weekend so I question if these numbers are actually correct.

I don't understand why you are saying that she expects you to look after him when you also say that she has said her son is not allowed at your house. She doesn't appear to be expecting anything of you.

It’s fairly obvious why the ex doesn’t want you in sole charge of her child.

It sounds tough and I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time but your OP has so much detail and yet also not enough that it's difficult to work out eg where will your bf be living with his DC during the holidays - does he have his own place or does he live with his ex for 3 weeks?
Where are you all going to live when the baby comes?
If you had more space it would be easier to manage all the DCs at the one time because you could keep them in different rooms when you need to get your DC ready for school, etc. As PPs have suggested since you have your bf's DC most of the time, it might be better if he became the primary carer. At least it would give more stability for all the DCs.

If he really is having his child 3 nights plus all holidays he needs to see a solicitor or contact CAB about how to claim the dla as he is having the child more nights than her.
are you claiming benefits as a single person and that’s why he can’t take action?

It sounds tricky to manage OP, but your partner’s son really is not his ‘past life’.

She won't be getting 3k a month for him, that's bull.

I wouldn’t bother asking any further questions, OP ain’t coming back.

Hello ,OP here.

I just wanted to clarify a few things as I felt when I made this post I was rushed and writing on a phone so wrote quickly and probably quite carelessly and didn't give enough into to explain my situation and what I was feeling. I understand why this post had a lot of back lash but wanted to fully explain myself because I felt like a lot of you got the wrong idea and were quite hurtful. It seemed though there was a lot of defense around this women my boyfriend's child's mum.

Firstly when I said she was stalking us. She absolutely did. It wasn't that I was saying she is concerened about me being around her son and I made up she was a stalker. My partner was young when he met her and she was domestically very abusive. Both from two very different walks off life. She would steal money, did drugs and would publicly humiliate him over social media. She damaged his things including his car. He is a quiet guy and didn't have a relationship before hand and didn't understand how a real relationship should work so thought that the way she was was just normal young adolesense behaviour. She lord and said she was using contraception and fell pregnant. They were not together long as he realised it was actually a bad situation and relationship. He pleaded for her to not keep the baby as he didn't want to be with her but she decided she would anyway. Her family were a bit rough and she wanted somewhere to live as she wasn't probably in a stable home with her parents. She actually said those words. "I need the baby to have somewhere to live". Anyway they had the baby and split up and he supported the child this whole time. He would see him Friday to Sunday and then when he met me 3 years after they split. He opened up and told me she demands things of him that makes him feel suicidal. If he doesnt Pay for her nails for example or give her lifts when she needs it (not to do with their son) she wil threated him not to see his son again. He had gone to the police many times over her beating him up which he had physical evidence and texts to show which they basically fobbed him off and told him to man up. This abuse continued when I met him and also I became a victim of her abuse. She would be racist to me. Say things about my disabled son like he's a retard. (all while being mixed race and also having a disabled son herself), she would turn up at my boyfriends mum's house threatening to beat us up and repeatedly got arrested. She was then given a restraining order for stalking but unfortunately that didn't stop her harassing us. This still continues to this day. We have tried to go through court on the grounds of this being worrying for his son but they said she was adquate to look after him despite all of this evidence. It is such a joke. Then a two years ago her son fell out of a window upstairs while in her "care" to which gave him further disabilities. This was the final straw where we said we need custody. Social services were involved and because she was then pregnant at the time decided she was still adequate. Court also said the same thing and said it was an accident and we should be helping more. What had actually happened is she was smoking weed and left him unattended. She has always smoked even during pregnancy and still does inside while she cares for her kids. Me and my boyfriend raised this in court and with social services who said they cannot do anything about it and fobbed us off again! It is absolutely baffling how she has remained his main parent. worth mentioning, everytime we went to court she said all the right things became a new person said we can find a solution as adults privately then just went back to being abusive. This abuse even went as far as to send videos of herself saying to their son his dad doesn't care about him etc and even this evidence was dismissed when we said this is actually child abuse because apparently him being non verbal and having less ability to understand made a difference. As a result of all of this we had him Friday to monday which was finalised September just gone. I moved my job to work tues - Thurs to cater to this so my boyfriend can keep his good job. We were saving for a home to buy hopefully end of this year or early next. Then I fell pregnant which we decided we can keep the baby. As far as she was aware her son doesn't come to my home. When his car has broken down he isn't even allowed to drive mine to get his son as she went mental and refused contact that week. She prefer him to drive a broken and dangerous car than her son be in mine. Anyway we did dismiss her saying he cannot be at mine because at the end of the day I am not a danger to her son I play with him let him sleep in my bedroom with his dad, feed him, clothe him, and even taught him how to use a fork. I love that child. She just expects my partner to work full time look after their son 4 days a week not have a gf or a social life and do what she says when she says. As for the money aspect £3k was a typo. It was £2k. I dont know what others are entitled to but when we went to court for her asking for more money they said her income and his. Hers was £150 a week dla. Plus £70 a week carers. Plus on top £400 or so in universal credit. Then his standard allowance of £300 and then child maintenance £200. So roughly around £2000 a month. My issue isn't with her having money it's the fact she is the type of person who solely does care about just that. We work and try so hard to accommodate both kids and our arrangement worked. It was hard at first I had to change jobs to be able to do fewer hours so gave up a career I got a degree for. We decided to keep the baby based on our current cirucmstances but when we told her she then said we need to have their son every holidays. That is 13 weeks a year. That isn't enough for out annual leave and she doesn't care about this. We cannot afford to save for a home and also loose money for 5+ weeks a year and possibly loose jobs over her demands. I felt sorry for theor son as she didn't want him over Christmas and he spent it with my family instead and it seems like she's just trying to claim money for him but wants us to work and do most of the hard work. The plan was to stay where we are so rent is cheaper then save get a bigger place and Hel have his own room. As regards to me saying his past life I meant a suggestion was he goes to her house every half term for half the time to stay there with her and that does feel like he would be leaving me for his past life as she is not his gf and I am. So that was what I meant I wasn't refering to his child at all. My issue what I was worried about most of all is that my son's routine is very important to him and we have found it very difficult having my partners son with us Friday and Monday but that's with me not working and having more time to watch both boys in the mornings before school. However during half terms would be for weeks on end and I feel my son would find this really distressing. I am just unsure what would be best to do. Also for those saying our baby would probably have additional needs I find that actually very upsetting to think because they do we wouldn't want them? So what if they are disabled. We care for two disabled children already. That actually felt quite discriminating. I just feel my step sons mother doesn't seem to be handling things in a reasonable way. I appreciate it is hard having a disabled child as I do myself but I don't smoke drugs or make my son's dad's life difficult. He sees his dad every fortnight as he finds it to challenging being at his dads as he doesn't have adaptions. I just kind of expected her to either let us have custody and we make it work or step up more. My partner is not leaving me to care for his kids either he just has a better income and makes sense for him to be the one who works. I also need to work to suport my own son as I do not expect anyone else to pay for my son that I chose to have.

I just wanted to add we pay child maintenance because it is really not worth the level of abuse we will get if we said no to this. It is very upseting the situation we are in but again try to make it work because we love eachother. I appologise when I wrote the original post it was rushed and insensitive sounding. I think if people had known the back round info you probably would have understood why I was frustrated. My partner doesn't want to leave to go to hers during half terms he is actually very against it as she is abusive to him physically and mentally but she does threaten to put their son in care if we do not have him all through the summer. I guess my only option is to quit my job but the money helps us to save for a better living situation. We can manage on his income but it would take longer. I feel very let down by the system the way it works is she receives money and sympathy for being a lone parent but we are actually doing our fair share of work we don't get any additional funding for him and we also do not get a break. For those saying she deserves a break. He actually sleeps fine through the night so we do most of the day work where he is still having nappies changed and needs constant supervision. We also take him to clubs along with my son where children with addional needs can take part in activities etc to help their development and these are bloody expensive. We do not get a day off. We work in the week and look after two disabled children on weekends. She however has three days a week being a carer or mum and then the rest of the week is out with her friends partying. She often calls us drunk with her friends saying rude things. It is mental.

Don't let his son affect your ability to work. Stop providing the childcare

You seem to "know" an awful lot about his life and relationship before you were around and his ex. However you are relying entirely on his account. He was so abused that he is happy to return to the home every half term, pay ex bills etc? It seems very contrary.

If we have him during summer one of us will have to quit as we just don't have enough annual leave. My own job do not let me take additional time for my own disabled son so they won't allow me for his but he does have a better paid job than me so makes sense for it to be me. I just feel so worried about it all. I will be on maternity leave for a year but after then will be quite difficult.

It was blasted over social media so it's not just his account. I have actually witnessed first hand as I said this stil goes on to this day. There are screen shots and police reports from times we were together and from before. She is known in the area for where we live to have a certain life style. It isnt relying on his side I made my own mind up. I just didn't realise the extent of it until recently. She hasn't backed down and we have been together 3 years. Also for the whole 8 years of their son's life this has been going on.

No. He has to do it if he's not going to sort it with his ex through court.

I feel really sorry for this kid, neither of his parents want him.

In all honesty if he doesn't go to a solicitor and try to sort this out I'd not live with each other and he can pay you maintenance and see if the relationship can be saved.