Aibu for expecting my boyfriends baby mum to have her child when she is paid a significant amount to do so

[Stresseandconfused]

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years and are expecting a baby this summer. We have a child each from prev relationship and both have additional needs quite the opposite in personality to eachother but we try and make it work. His ex doesn't allow him to be at my home with his child but because she has stalked harrased and abused us we know this is irrational and just a controling trait from her. We therefore do spend weekends together with the kids. She doesn't want to care for her disabled son and seems to want us to have him every opportunity she can. (he spend all of Christmas with me and my family and didn't see his mum for a single day) baring in mind she has another child who is not disbaled that she spent Christmas with. Now she gets paid £3000 a month for this child because of how severe his disabilities are and doesn't work to care for him however every week she is saying my partner needs to have him Friday to Monday which clashes with us working and doesn't work for us. She gets abusive if we say we cannot do this. She now expects us to have him every half term but my issue is that because I work part time to care for my own child with additional needs I only get a certain amount of leave. I can't take off every half term for my own child let alone hers. My partner can take the time off but if he does as I stil have work and my son stil needs to go to childcare setting this wil be very disruptive to his routine in the morning. We have a 2 bedroom bungalow and my partners child sleeps in my bed with his dad and I sleep on the sofa and the space is small. It is very hard for my son in the morning when getting ready for school he struggles with this every day without having another child with additional needs this causes me a lot of stress to because of how worked up he comes. My partners son has limited understanding and will disrupt my son but not on purpose and it causes chaos. I don't want my son going to school or holiday clubs feeling distressed so I have said if my boyfriend has his son he can go to his mum's during the working week. Now my problem is when I am heavily pregnancy during the summer he will not be here with me for 3 weeks of that summer holidays because Hel be with his son from previous relationship. Am I the arsehole for feeling like his mum who doesn't work should be caring for him rather than disrupting our life? I love his son and am happy for him to be at my home and even sleep in my bed every weekend but during working times I can't put my son under that pressure or cause myself stress in pregnancy. I can't help but feel like he's choosing his past life over me and having a new family? I'm not sure if it's reasonable for him to agree to this and leave me every school holidays. Surely his mum should have him? I have suggested we take off the same annual leave for half of the holidays and have the boys at home together to avoid the long process of stress geting them ready for school and myself for work but I unfortunately only get a small amount of annual leave as I only work 16 hours a week.

I would be going for full custody. She doesn't care about that child and only has him for the money. She is dumping him on you at every opportunity. At least if you have full custody you will receive his DLA so can at least use some of that to pay for a childminder if needed.

Not got enough time for current responsibilities, I know have another child.

What could possible go wrong?

Why on earth you decided to bring another child into this when you already have 2 children between you with additional needs and inadequate housing is beyond me.

Your boyfriend's child needs to be prioritised here. As you have him over 50% of the time then I suggest you have him full time and he becomes the resident parent and claim the benefit, then one of you give up work to parent your 2 (soon to be 3) children. The child's mother and your boyfriend can then make an agreement for when he stays with the mum.

Could you move in together, and thus only pay rent / mortgage on one place to enable you to have an extra bedroom for a start?

It sounds like it needs to go back to court or mediation to come up with set boundaries for equal share, and to sort the finances.

Joining in with why did you think having another baby was a good idea?

What will you do if your baby also has extra needs/disabilities?

He's not choosing his old life over you. He is doing what is easiest.

He knows it is unfair. He knows it burdens you. But you are reasonable and kind. His ex is volatile.

So he does what is easiest.

Because that's the man he is.

You need to start being a lot less reasonable, a lot less accommodating and take a leaf out of the ex's book (she gets him) and give him hell and impose consequences.

He will do what is easiest for him so make sure that's not dumping his kid on you without any finance.

Look I'm a sm but generally thought this was a reverse.

Your partner created a child and that child is disabled. He should be doing 50% of the care and is doing more yes should claim the benefits and house him accordingly.

Two disabled children in the house is a lot. One needing a lot of assistance and his mum not being very hands on with him is really heartbreaking. I'm sure i hope you didn't mean it to come across the way you have.

But honestly as much as I think the evil nutter mum trope is wheeled out to much, I also cannot believe you said "feel like he's choosing his past life over me and having a new family" it feels like something read from the wicked sm handbook.

Holidays should be split. Your partner is the dad so he should be splitting it with mum fairly.

I can imagine this is a lot to deal with, but I really think you should look at parallel parenting strategies- basically only focusing on what goes down in your house and ignoring mum (bar when dad is sorting out childcare)

This feels like a DP problem, because I imagine your the one doing most of there caring for dad while he steps back.

So mum is the red herring here imo.

If you cared about the child, you’d move in together, apply for full custody of him, and receive the associated financial contributions. DP’s ex could have a custody arrangement.

Your current set up sounds chaotic.

Each of you have separately had a child with considerable disabilities, and you’re adding a third child to the mix who may well also have considerable disabilities, in a house that’s already too small and with children who don’t manage changes to their routines… mate the ex is the LEAST of your problems. But no. She shouldn’t have him full time because his sons needs don’t work for you and your “new life” 🙄

I confess I was wondering this myself. Although I don’t know if OP and her partners children have genetic disabilities or not it does seem like it’s a much greater possibility that the new baby might have high needs themselves since both parents have a history of producing high needs children.

OP kind of acts like the baby is merely an abstract concept in her head though. No room for baby, no thought of how it will disrupt daily life for currently existing children, no thought of how to balance baby and current children’s needs and schedules.

Maybe the baby will be like harry potter and it will simply go into a broom closet?

That poor child. As though he won't realise his mum fobs him off whenever she can.
You can't make her want to be a good mum. Sad but true, personally I couldn't see a child made to feel unwanted because of a pregnancy I created .
It isn't unreasonable to want the other mum to be a better parent, but how do you force her to do that!

Trouble is... to qualify for carers allowance, you must earn under £132 a week. This is the reason that most people do not qualify for this benefit.

I am trying not to judge but failing. I am not even thinking about the question you asked in the OP. I am judging you both for bringing a new baby into this. Who is gaining from this addition to your family?

Why is he paying maintenance if you are the main carers? That money could be spent on more suitable living accommodation that could make things less disruptive.

I don't think it's unreasonable to refuse to have him every day in the school holidays. You should continue the residency pattern that you have during term time, so Friday to Monday, that seems fair, it's about 50%. What would happen if you refused to agree to her demands? Maybe a formal agreement is the way to go, if you can't agree when trying to sort it informally.

I don't understand how she doesn't want him to have their child at your home, then I the next breath you are looking after him all the time?

"We have him Friday morning until Monday evening. We are the main carers."

You are not the main carers because she has him for 4 nights which caring for a child on the highest rate DLA will mean disturbed nights. She will be doing the caring for more than half the week.

So you have the boy 3 nights and 4 days per week, plus the school holidays? You’re the primary carers and should get (at least a pro-rata share of) the benefits and child maintenance from his mother. Benefits should be for the child, not one of the parents. As a PP said, needs don’t disappear at the weekends. It’d be impossible to work out logistically though.

You might not be eligible for the benefits because you both work, but you might be eligible for some, and for appropriate social housing.

Why is your partner paying maintenance if the child is with you 4 nights per week. You are the primary carers.

But they have the child four days and three nights, (which is more disruptive for work, plus the school holidays). OP says half terms but she may actually mean “school holidays” as she mentions having him for all of Christmas. It could easily tip into them having him more than 50% of overnights.

Is the other (non disabled) child your partners? When does he see them?

I can’t understand why you’re bringing another child into this already complex and difficult situation.

Huge difference between £3k that you said and £2k but regardless the £2k is not disability benefits alone but a mixture of what claimants who aren't disabled get so some in her own right. Its a bit misleading.

Its right that he should do his fair share as its incredibly difficult caring for a disabled child.

I don't understand why anyone would bring a new baby inro this situation.

OP’s getting a hard time because she has chosen to have another baby, and hasn’t explained the situation very articulately, but it is fundamentally unfair that one parent who has a child 51% of the time is eligible for thousands in benefits and child maintenance to support their household, whilst the other parent has 49%, could be in a worse financial position, and is eligible for nothing.

All I'm getting from this is your child this, your child that , you don't seem to give a shit about your oh child, you don't have the room for another baby but yet your pregnant anyway . This new baby will come along and your oh poor child will be pushed out , he should probably just get his own place for him and his son and leave you to it tbh lol

She stated Friday to Monday. Not the main carer.