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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu for expecting my boyfriends baby mum to have her child when she is paid a significant amount to do so

176 replies

Stresseandconfused · 06/02/2023 11:37

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years and are expecting a baby this summer. We have a child each from prev relationship and both have additional needs quite the opposite in personality to eachother but we try and make it work. His ex doesn't allow him to be at my home with his child but because she has stalked harrased and abused us we know this is irrational and just a controling trait from her. We therefore do spend weekends together with the kids. She doesn't want to care for her disabled son and seems to want us to have him every opportunity she can. (he spend all of Christmas with me and my family and didn't see his mum for a single day) baring in mind she has another child who is not disbaled that she spent Christmas with. Now she gets paid £3000 a month for this child because of how severe his disabilities are and doesn't work to care for him however every week she is saying my partner needs to have him Friday to Monday which clashes with us working and doesn't work for us. She gets abusive if we say we cannot do this. She now expects us to have him every half term but my issue is that because I work part time to care for my own child with additional needs I only get a certain amount of leave. I can't take off every half term for my own child let alone hers. My partner can take the time off but if he does as I stil have work and my son stil needs to go to childcare setting this wil be very disruptive to his routine in the morning. We have a 2 bedroom bungalow and my partners child sleeps in my bed with his dad and I sleep on the sofa and the space is small. It is very hard for my son in the morning when getting ready for school he struggles with this every day without having another child with additional needs this causes me a lot of stress to because of how worked up he comes. My partners son has limited understanding and will disrupt my son but not on purpose and it causes chaos. I don't want my son going to school or holiday clubs feeling distressed so I have said if my boyfriend has his son he can go to his mum's during the working week. Now my problem is when I am heavily pregnancy during the summer he will not be here with me for 3 weeks of that summer holidays because Hel be with his son from previous relationship. Am I the arsehole for feeling like his mum who doesn't work should be caring for him rather than disrupting our life? I love his son and am happy for him to be at my home and even sleep in my bed every weekend but during working times I can't put my son under that pressure or cause myself stress in pregnancy. I can't help but feel like he's choosing his past life over me and having a new family? I'm not sure if it's reasonable for him to agree to this and leave me every school holidays. Surely his mum should have him? I have suggested we take off the same annual leave for half of the holidays and have the boys at home together to avoid the long process of stress geting them ready for school and myself for work but I unfortunately only get a small amount of annual leave as I only work 16 hours a week.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 06/02/2023 14:24

Stresseandconfused · 06/02/2023 12:02

We have him Friday morning until Monday evening. We are the main carers. Accept when it is half term she wants us to have him every day. He currently is not at school.

So the tl:dr is you don't have enough room for the two kids you do have, there's another on the way and you feel you're doing all the care whilst she reaps all the finical "benefit"

Honestly sounds like he needs to go to court and sort out proper legal access and given when you're having him, ask for primary custody or whatever its called, and get something legal around the holidays.

Naunet · 06/02/2023 14:25

Vastula · 06/02/2023 14:21

Just re-read OP’s posts:

She and her partner have his son Friday morning to Monday evening in normal weeks. That’s 156 nights. (We won’t consider that OP and partner have more days.)

They had him for “all of Christmas,” and the child’s mum wants them to have him for all the half terms plus three weeks in the summer. This would be an extra 4 nights over each of the weeks - Monday night to Friday morning, which the child usually spends with his mum. Three weeks of half term, three weeks of summer, and let’s say 50% of the Christmas and Easter breaks = 8 x 4 = 32 nights.

Therefore under this arrangement OP and her partner have his son 188 nights a year compared to his ex having the child 177 nights. OP and partner are the ones eligible for child benefits, disability benefits, carer’s allowance and child maintenance from the child’s mum.

Considering she was at least a grand out on how much his ex is getting in terms of benefits each month, I’d take all of that with a pinch of salt.

PuddlesPityParty · 06/02/2023 14:25

Iam4eels · 06/02/2023 13:34

Based on your OP, this is the way I see it.

  1. You need to start looking for a bigger place with three bedrooms minimum before the baby arrives. As well as looking privately I would also look at social housing and housing associations if I was you so you're exploring as many different housing avenues as possible
  1. Your partner needs to go to court and formalise contact arrangements, it costs £232 to apply. This will set out who has him and when so everyone knows where they stand
  1. He needs to out his foot down and tell her tough shit about saying you can't be there during his contact time. You live together, you're going to have a child together, unless there is a massive backstory where you're a danger to children then she doesn't get to dictate about you not being present

This 100%

UWhatNow · 06/02/2023 14:28

Iam4eels · 06/02/2023 13:34

Based on your OP, this is the way I see it.

  1. You need to start looking for a bigger place with three bedrooms minimum before the baby arrives. As well as looking privately I would also look at social housing and housing associations if I was you so you're exploring as many different housing avenues as possible
  1. Your partner needs to go to court and formalise contact arrangements, it costs £232 to apply. This will set out who has him and when so everyone knows where they stand
  1. He needs to out his foot down and tell her tough shit about saying you can't be there during his contact time. You live together, you're going to have a child together, unless there is a massive backstory where you're a danger to children then she doesn't get to dictate about you not being present

And 4. formalise your partnership by either getting married or civil partnership.

Willyoujustbequiet · 06/02/2023 14:30

Naunet · 06/02/2023 14:25

Considering she was at least a grand out on how much his ex is getting in terms of benefits each month, I’d take all of that with a pinch of salt.

Show quote history

I agree. Over £1000 a month wrong so I'd imagine she has overestimated the contact time too. Its all a bit muddled.

ZoeCM · 06/02/2023 14:31

I can't help but feel like he's choosing his past life over me and having a new family?

This is a horrible comment. Your boyfriend's son is not his "past life". Do you really think of your child by your ex as your "past life", and your new baby as your "new family"? Both of these children will be part of your new family, just like the baby.

The issues with space, clashing personalities, etc. will still be there even if your boyfriend's child's mother has him throughout half-term. The cynical part of me wonders if you got pregnant because you thought your boyfriend would say, "Well, there just isn't the space for my son to stay with us anymore, and we'll be too busy looking after the baby to give him the attention he needs, we'll have to cut back on the time he spends here..."

nonevernotever · 06/02/2023 14:33

I'm not going to add to the pile on OP, but just wanted to clarify something. Is it your view that your partner's ex is asking him to look after their son on weekends and holidays so that she can spend undiluted time with her other child? In which case I can see both sides, but (as with the rest) it's for your partner to step up and sort out so that his son is properly looked after. I get the impression at the moment that he's quite happy to abdicate all responsibility to the women in his life.

Quitelikeit · 06/02/2023 14:37

This woman cannot force you to do anything and nor can she force your partner to.

If you had the child an extra night a week you could claim benefits and probably get a bigger property.

This woman is being very unreasonable and is forcing you to have him the maximum she can without the benefits coming to the father.

just refuse. And also there will be summer play schemes for the child so best to contact the local SW team who might be able to help with that

It must be great for her to have all of her weekends free!!

bellswithwhistles · 06/02/2023 14:38

Christ.

I know! Let's get pregnant and add another child into the mix (said no sensible person with an ounce of common sense ever)

Underhisi · 06/02/2023 14:42

"And also there will be summer play schemes for the child so best to contact the local SW team who might be able to help with that"

I think you will find there isn't.

Underhisi · 06/02/2023 14:47

People with no knowledge are making big assumptions about provision that is available for children with disabilities. The child in question doesn't even have a school place.

Vastula · 06/02/2023 14:51

Naunet · 06/02/2023 14:25

Considering she was at least a grand out on how much his ex is getting in terms of benefits each month, I’d take all of that with a pinch of salt.

Show quote history

I agree, not just because OP’s been muddled on facts but because if the child’s mum is half as malicious and self-serving as she’s been portrayed, there’s not a chance in Hell that she’d be giving up over 49% of custody time and the associated benefits.

OP’s main problems are that she and her partner can’t financially meet their existing sons’ needs under the current contact arrangement (they need to be able to afford a 3-bedroom house) and his son needs to be in school, in respite care, or being cared for primarily by the person being paid to be his carer.

To support their family, they need over 50% of his child’s time and the associated benefits (money but also being appropriately housed), or to split the benefits with the ex (unlikely to happen) or they need to reduce contact to probably every other weekend and half the holidays so he can work full-time, afford a bigger house and they can all live together.

RiktheButler · 06/02/2023 14:51

I spent a lot of my later teens working with disabled children in a play setting and within special schools - which I know don't exist anymore.

This thread has be wondering - is it usual for a disabled child to have literally no school place or day placement offered?

Also, would a severely disabled child normally be ok to spend time in a different house that doesn't have any modifications, not even a separate bed?

justasking111 · 06/02/2023 14:53

Stresseandconfused · 06/02/2023 11:54

I also have a disabled son and yes we did choose to be together and we have their son 4 days a week and mine every day (he sees his dad every fortnight). I think the issue is just half terms. I think if she doesn't work and we both do it seems unreasonable to expect us to them have their son aswell. She also has another son she solely cares for and she is happy to have him.

The other son she solely cares for is he also your partner's child?

Vastula · 06/02/2023 14:54

justasking111 · 06/02/2023 14:53

The other son she solely cares for is he also your partner's child?

Show quote history

It says in the OP that they each have a child from a previous relationship, so no

Newmum0322 · 06/02/2023 14:56

Your post talks a lot about your son, his routine, his needs, your pregnancy, your baby and how looking after ‘DP child from previous relationship’ doesn’t fit in with that. You chose to be together, to move in together and have a child… did you not think of the practicalities involved with blending your two families, or did you hope DP would just start prioritising you and you DS when you moved in together? YABU.

If DP and you really do have the DC 4 days a week (which sounds unlikely) then you are primary carers and should formally establish this, whether for benefits or not. Your OP made a valid point about contact and boundaries, but you made it all about you, your child and your baby, that makes you incredibly selfish.

glasshole · 06/02/2023 14:59

Stresseandconfused · 06/02/2023 11:54

I also have a disabled son and yes we did choose to be together and we have their son 4 days a week and mine every day (he sees his dad every fortnight). I think the issue is just half terms. I think if she doesn't work and we both do it seems unreasonable to expect us to them have their son aswell. She also has another son she solely cares for and she is happy to have him.

So you both have disabled kids already and then thought it was a great idea to have another kid that , let's be honest, could inherit a double whammy of disabilities and additional needs...... and if you and him split up in the future can you HONESTLY say you wouldn't want him to parent his disabled kid for at least 50% of the week? You know... just like this mum that he created a life with expected him to?

Also shocking that you think his kid is his "past" . He isn't. At all! That poor poor kid.

Underhisi · 06/02/2023 15:00

"This thread has be wondering - is it usual for a disabled child to have literally no school place or day placement offered?"

That happens frequently. Generally the child is given a place in mainstream and the mainstream can't cope so the child ends up out of school with no school place because all the special schools are full. The LA is meant to provide an interim education but often does nothing.

Cornchip · 06/02/2023 15:05

A lot of valid points from PP that I won’t repeat.

I just feel terribly sorry for this poor child who isn’t in education (which is so vital) and is being passed from pillar to post by two parents who seemingly don’t want him. And then to top it off, a step mum who also doesn’t want him.

I feel awful for this newborn baby who is being born into this hugely dysfunctional “family” when there isn’t even room for them in the house beyond, what, them being 2 years old or so?

And I feel so sad for your existing child who has additional needs, whose needs clearly aren’t being met with all this fighting that’s going on.

When are you all going to step up and behave like adults? Why haven’t you gone to court to get things sorted out? Why are 3 children being completely let down by the 3 adults here? Is anyone actively pushing for his son to get a school place? Is anyone chasing it up, arranging meetings, contacting a local MP, etc?

You need to stop deflecting your anger onto his ex and realise that all 3 of you are doing a pretty terrible job of this and grow the fuck up.

Honestly, I’ve seen better parenting from a 4 year old
playing with dolls.

xJoy · 06/02/2023 15:10

I voted yabu because the man you are having a child with is free to work and free to earn and was free to merrily start again and you believe quite erroneously I'm sure that she gets 3k a month. You're deluded. I'm not even in the UK but I would eat my hat if that's true.

Bottom line, your partner had a child and that child's mother is not free to work and your partner is. Whatever benefits she's getting it's not a life that is easy. Is she free to work? Is your partner stepping in to take 50:50 childcare in a way that would facilitate her to try and find a job that fits around that?

mathanxiety · 06/02/2023 15:14

Go to family court to get contact and finances properly set up.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 06/02/2023 15:14

I absolutely despair reading MN sometimes. Why on earth did you both think the best thing to do in the middle of all this was to have a baby?

LIZS · 06/02/2023 15:14

Stresseandconfused · 06/02/2023 12:02

We have him Friday morning until Monday evening. We are the main carers. Accept when it is half term she wants us to have him every day. He currently is not at school.

Thought it was based on overnights, so 3 not 4. Is there a contact order which specifies the time spent with each parent? Where do you plan for the baby to sleep in all this?

endoftheworldniteclub · 06/02/2023 15:31

So you can’t take care of the children you already have, and you have no room for them. Yet you think it’s a good idea to have another baby?

And his ‘past life’? One day you and your children may also belong to his ‘past life’, who knows.

IncompleteSenten · 06/02/2023 15:32

Why shouldn't the father be equally involved with raising his child as the mother?

I can't believe you said the child should be with his mum instead of disrupting your lives.

He is part of your lives. As equally as your child from a previous relationship!

You want your partner to turn his back on his child and be an every other weekend dad like your ex is? So you can play happy families with your child and the new baby and shoo away the inconvenient burden.

If your gripe is money then sort that out. Go to court. Get a contact agreement. Sort out CMS. See who gets what. But the father doesn't get to opt out of being a parent to his existing child because you want to get cosy in your two bed bungalow with your existing child and a shared baby.