Aibu for expecting my boyfriends baby mum to have her child when she is paid a significant amount to do so

[Stresseandconfused]

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years and are expecting a baby this summer. We have a child each from prev relationship and both have additional needs quite the opposite in personality to eachother but we try and make it work. His ex doesn't allow him to be at my home with his child but because she has stalked harrased and abused us we know this is irrational and just a controling trait from her. We therefore do spend weekends together with the kids. She doesn't want to care for her disabled son and seems to want us to have him every opportunity she can. (he spend all of Christmas with me and my family and didn't see his mum for a single day) baring in mind she has another child who is not disbaled that she spent Christmas with. Now she gets paid £3000 a month for this child because of how severe his disabilities are and doesn't work to care for him however every week she is saying my partner needs to have him Friday to Monday which clashes with us working and doesn't work for us. She gets abusive if we say we cannot do this. She now expects us to have him every half term but my issue is that because I work part time to care for my own child with additional needs I only get a certain amount of leave. I can't take off every half term for my own child let alone hers. My partner can take the time off but if he does as I stil have work and my son stil needs to go to childcare setting this wil be very disruptive to his routine in the morning. We have a 2 bedroom bungalow and my partners child sleeps in my bed with his dad and I sleep on the sofa and the space is small. It is very hard for my son in the morning when getting ready for school he struggles with this every day without having another child with additional needs this causes me a lot of stress to because of how worked up he comes. My partners son has limited understanding and will disrupt my son but not on purpose and it causes chaos. I don't want my son going to school or holiday clubs feeling distressed so I have said if my boyfriend has his son he can go to his mum's during the working week. Now my problem is when I am heavily pregnancy during the summer he will not be here with me for 3 weeks of that summer holidays because Hel be with his son from previous relationship. Am I the arsehole for feeling like his mum who doesn't work should be caring for him rather than disrupting our life? I love his son and am happy for him to be at my home and even sleep in my bed every weekend but during working times I can't put my son under that pressure or cause myself stress in pregnancy. I can't help but feel like he's choosing his past life over me and having a new family? I'm not sure if it's reasonable for him to agree to this and leave me every school holidays. Surely his mum should have him? I have suggested we take off the same annual leave for half of the holidays and have the boys at home together to avoid the long process of stress geting them ready for school and myself for work but I unfortunately only get a small amount of annual leave as I only work 16 hours a week.

From what you are saying, it sounds like your partners son is spending more nights with his father than his mother, once you add 4 nights a week plus all school holidays together? That's significantly more than 50%. It seems odd that his mother is then entitled to claim all of the government benefits for the additional costs that go with having a disabled child? If your figures on the share of nights with your partner are correct then wouldn't an official child maintenance calculation say he didn't need to pay any?

No, you're suggesting that your partner should be concentrating on you and your "new family". Why on Earth you thought it was a good idea to bring another child into this is beyond me. If mum is struggling then Dad needs to do 50/50. He can stop paying maintenance then can't he? Honestly, such utter stupidity. That poor boy.

Maybe her other child needs some respite if your dp child has high needs.

May you partner should claim the DLA as he's having g the child more than the mother ,?the DLA is supposed to be for the benefit of the child it doesn't matter what it's spent on as long as it benefits the child ,if the child is staying with Dad more than mum than the DLA should go to Dad or at least be split

So you have him three nights a week? She is still doing the majority in term time then, and asking her child’s father to do half terms, as in three weeks out of 52 each year, is really not much.

Your partner presumably gets annual leave, and can take parental leave, and has all the other days in the week to work. If he needs to work Fridays then maybe you could suggest he has his son after work on that day instead of from the morning.

This.

What a mess. And you’re having another child. 🤨

Pro-rata the financial support. Prioritise the needs of the disabled child. Stop having babies after this one.

All the exes seem to be controlling and irrational don’t they?

I don’t know what the answer is, OP, but it is not for you to sort. How long have you been together? Be wary of becoming the mad ex yourself in the future.

So if you think the amount of time you have him is unreasonable, what do you suggest? You will still have the same issues with space.

You feel he is prioritising his son? Good. That is as it should be! Why are you having a child together when you cannot accommodate your current children. You say you make it work, but you do not. Two very different children with very different needs require their own space. You do not have enough room for a baby or the extra capacity to care for one by the sounds of it.

His primary motivation to have a child with you will be to do with recruiting another woman to look after his existing child, you are now trapped and part of this man's harem. He will do everything he can to manipulate 'his' two women into looking after the children that he has fathered with them such that he retains his freedom and does little of the caring work as possible.
he will manoeuvre and manipulate to make sure that the needs of your sole child will be subordinated to the needs of his children

You have him 3 nights a week...

To be honest the whole thing sounds like a complete mess.

Just because the mum gets money to help her not work to care for her disabled child doesn’t mean the dad can step down on his responsibilities and mum has him full time. Mum also needs a break.

Even though Dad may have him 3 nights a week and half the holidays doesn’t mean she should get less money she would be classed as his full time carer. She also needs to provide a roof over their heads and adapt the home if required to care for her son so can’t imagine the money goes far to be honest.

Sounds like there was already problems in the relationship with the child and mother and you are now adding another child to the mix before properly sorting the situation.

So, by your own words, the exP doesn’t want to care for her own child and instead of you being worried and looking at becoming primary carers, you want to have him less? So nobody will want to care for him then?

This! Ffs

If it isn’t even sustainable to mesh the current childcare situation together I’m not really sure how you will cope with a newborn who will certainly be far more disruptive and might even have special needs of their own..?

You make your children sound completely incompatible and then you decided to have a baby together! Sounds like the perfect recipe for disaster.

If you have him
more than she does then you need to rearrange the payment schedule in court

I also don’t understand if this child is at school? You say you have him Fri morn ‘til Mon evening but then you are worried about looking after him for half terms, so I guess he is at school then?

You’ve also said she wants you to have him every weekend but you can’t always do it - so do you have him every weekend or not?

Well, you're soon to be popping out another one, you've already got one as it is, and yet this poor kid somehow can't possibly be looked after? WHat happens to your kids you already have on weekends? What about the baby that's coming?

Of course his disabled child comes before you and your child, and even your pregnancy. You knew the child existed, knew the level of work involved with him and still chose to merge households and have another baby on top. What are you going to do if this baby also has additional needs, ban his existing child from his home - because whether or not you like it your home is also your partners sons home.

That's how I understood it too.

I stopped reading as soon as you mentioned 3k benefits - even when it changed to 2k
a lot of those benefits will be for the whole family including accommodation
if you had described the situation without that you might have gained better advice

This seems like an issue for your DP to sort.

as other PPs have said, why did you both think it was a good idea to bring another child into this?

if you and your DP have him more than 50% of the time then you need to look at the payments.

I just feel sorry for the kid caught up in the this. Just because she gets money for him doesn’t absolve your DP from his responsibilities.

So ex is a crazy bitch who simultaneously won't let your DP see his child yet won't look after the child for half the holidays? And you reckon she's getting £2000 to "have her child" when maximum DLA is around £600 a month? And you somehow know every benefit she gets even though she's abusive and harasses you while keeping the child away from you and not having the child during the holidays?
It's a very plot-holed version of the script you've fallen for, dear.

I don’t get your logic here. Ignoring the OP, because she knew what she was getting into, if parents are splitting the care 57/43% then the disability benefits should be split accordingly.

DLA is for the “extra costs” of caring for a disabled child - surely both parents would have those extra costs. If the mother needs adaptations in her house then the father would too - the child’s needs don’t disappear at weekends.

You sound so selfish and like all you care about is your baby and your existing child. Being a single mum and a full time carer to a severely disabled child is incredibly hard work and just because she claims benefits to allow her to care for him doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be able to have a break. It also doesn’t diminish the responsibility that his father has to him. The child is 50% his responsibility so why on Earth is it unreasonable for him to step up and look after his child? You don’t seem to like it because it inconveniences you but you knew what you were getting into when you decided to get pregnant with this man further binding your families together?!