Aibu for expecting my boyfriends baby mum to have her child when she is paid a significant amount to do so

[Stresseandconfused]

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years and are expecting a baby this summer. We have a child each from prev relationship and both have additional needs quite the opposite in personality to eachother but we try and make it work. His ex doesn't allow him to be at my home with his child but because she has stalked harrased and abused us we know this is irrational and just a controling trait from her. We therefore do spend weekends together with the kids. She doesn't want to care for her disabled son and seems to want us to have him every opportunity she can. (he spend all of Christmas with me and my family and didn't see his mum for a single day) baring in mind she has another child who is not disbaled that she spent Christmas with. Now she gets paid £3000 a month for this child because of how severe his disabilities are and doesn't work to care for him however every week she is saying my partner needs to have him Friday to Monday which clashes with us working and doesn't work for us. She gets abusive if we say we cannot do this. She now expects us to have him every half term but my issue is that because I work part time to care for my own child with additional needs I only get a certain amount of leave. I can't take off every half term for my own child let alone hers. My partner can take the time off but if he does as I stil have work and my son stil needs to go to childcare setting this wil be very disruptive to his routine in the morning. We have a 2 bedroom bungalow and my partners child sleeps in my bed with his dad and I sleep on the sofa and the space is small. It is very hard for my son in the morning when getting ready for school he struggles with this every day without having another child with additional needs this causes me a lot of stress to because of how worked up he comes. My partners son has limited understanding and will disrupt my son but not on purpose and it causes chaos. I don't want my son going to school or holiday clubs feeling distressed so I have said if my boyfriend has his son he can go to his mum's during the working week. Now my problem is when I am heavily pregnancy during the summer he will not be here with me for 3 weeks of that summer holidays because Hel be with his son from previous relationship. Am I the arsehole for feeling like his mum who doesn't work should be caring for him rather than disrupting our life? I love his son and am happy for him to be at my home and even sleep in my bed every weekend but during working times I can't put my son under that pressure or cause myself stress in pregnancy. I can't help but feel like he's choosing his past life over me and having a new family? I'm not sure if it's reasonable for him to agree to this and leave me every school holidays. Surely his mum should have him? I have suggested we take off the same annual leave for half of the holidays and have the boys at home together to avoid the long process of stress geting them ready for school and myself for work but I unfortunately only get a small amount of annual leave as I only work 16 hours a week.

I'm confused. Are you living together or not?

It is not clear where each holiday is spent at the moment. I read it as the summer holiday is split.
Presumably the day time Friday and Monday is because the child is not in school and it would otherwise be a standard weekend.
How much is the OP's partner doing to sort that one out? If you sit around waiting for a school place it probably won't happen for years.

Its not thousands in benefits and she will be claiming in her own right too.

And unless myself and others have read it wrong mum does the lion's share and is therefore entitled.

A good father won’t reduce his parenting time of one child just because he is having another.

I don’t see an obvious solution to dealing with the chaos created by the choices the two of you have made. None of this is the fault of the child’s mother though. Your boyfriend also don’t choosing his old life, he is simply not shirking his duties to his son.

Based on your OP, this is the way I see it.

1. You need to start looking for a bigger place with three bedrooms minimum before the baby arrives. As well as looking privately I would also look at social housing and housing associations if I was you so you're exploring as many different housing avenues as possible

1. Your partner needs to go to court and formalise contact arrangements, it costs £232 to apply. This will set out who has him and when so everyone knows where they stand

1. He needs to out his foot down and tell her tough shit about saying you can't be there during his contact time. You live together, you're going to have a child together, unless there is a massive backstory where you're a danger to children then she doesn't get to dictate about you not being present

Totally agree. OP, you sound like a caring person who has voluntarily taken on a role as part time carer for your partner's disabled child. That's a big and kind thing to do, especially while juggling the needs of your own child.

It sounds as though despite the difficult living conditions you're willing to keep doing this but have pointed out that it really isn't fair if biological mum keeps all the allowance while you and your DP are doing at least 50% of the parenting.

I don't really know legally how these things work but perhaps mediation and a written agreement is needed? You can then say in writing what you're able to do in terms of holidays etc and also work out how much of the allowance should be coming to you.

Why has your partner not found a home for himself and his son?

His ex-partner clearly said she didn't want her son being cared for at your house and yet you have decided she is a stalker so it's fine to ignore her.

Your partner can't look after his own son unless he is at your house or his Mum's house, and now has another on the way.

Quite the provider you've got there op.

She said it’s Friday morning to Monday evening so as the child’s not in school, it’s probably a fairly even split in terms of time. Add in school holiday time (it’s not clear on how this is split but half terms and all of Christmas is mentioned) and it may or may not be over 50% of the overnights.

Either way, children’s benefits should support them, not one of their parents. In an ideal world, parents who split their children’s time around 50/50 should have an equal entitlement to support to provide for them, but in the real world it’d be impossible to work out, plus there’d be no political support to provide double to cover two households’ needs in some circumstances.

DLA and CA are not split between different people. A court will not order them to be split. The only issue here will be maintenance.

You couldn't claim carers anyway as you’d have to give up work, or work 14 hours a week at minimum wage, so you’d be worse off financially.

You’re not the main carers, you have him 3 nights per week.

Get your facts straight OP, then work out how to make this situation work for all parties involved - stop focusing on how much money mum gets.

You need a court order for access arrangements so everyone is clear:

personally I think you need to be out of the equation, he has two parents who need to look after him. There must be some day care available for disabled children, or respite care.

His parents need to sort his arrangements - it shouldn’t be on you unless you are both available together.

"There must be some day care available for disabled children, or respite care."

I take it you don't have a severely disabled child.

There is no respite or day care for school aged children during the day because the child is supposed to be in school.

There must be some day care available for disabled children, or respite care.

Bless your naive little heart my sweet summer child...

Is there another child in the mix? Who’s the child the DP will be spending some summer holiday with when OP is pregnant?

Or am I misunderstanding?

I had always understood that overnights were a key thing so Friday morning to Monday evening still means 4/7 overnights are done by the mother.

However, seems all a bit unclear and OPs boyfriend needs to push for some kind of written agreement here.

I can’t see have you have less annual leave to take because you are part time. Part time employees get the same number of weeks of annual leave as full time employees. So if a full timer gets 5 days then a person in the same job who works 2 days a week gets 2 days’ leave for every 5 days the full time person gets.

If you only work say 2 days a week then you only need 2 days’ leave to take the week off, surely?

Anyway, god knows why you want to complicate this situation and get deeper into it by having a baby together - I wouldn’t.

OP mum of a child with disabilities here and actually I see your point. His mum is getting the DLA, carers etc because she is classes as the resident carer which leaves his dad free to work and pay child maintenance etc. This is absolutely fine in theory but in practice not working because the mum is asking for more and more hours of care from his dad and you possibly because she so struggling to cope. That in itself is understandable however financially and space wise creates an issue for you both. If she wants your partner to have him half the time your partner can’t work that many hours as something has to give so she need to be allowing him access to some of the money that the government provides to the resident carer for the additional cost of raising a disabled child. I think him and her need an iron clad legal agreement which allows him access to some of the financial support so he can reduce his hours to have his son half the time.

The money is actually given to the main carer as it’s recognised by the government that having a disabled child significantly impacts on families finances due to reduced working hours etc. I can’t work more than very part time as nobody will care for dc1. They can’t cope with him nor can any holiday club or after school club care for him. Therefor I can’t work more hours. Dh works full time but someone has to be home for dc1. Our younger children can attend holiday clubs and after school clubs etc so we would have no issue getting them care but they are neurotypical. Dc1 is nuerodiverse with complex care needs.

It sounds like nobody really wants to take responsibility for this child.

Playing at babies is all very well, but there are consequences to getting involved with someone who has prior responsibilities. Remember that one day you might be that abandoned mum left with a disabled child to raise.

Out of all the men OP you chose this one? Christ on a bike.

Of course it's not unreasonable for his Mum to want him to spend one week with his father. And four days at the weekend. Sorry that clashes with your schedule but you do take on that responsibility when you become a stepmum.

Why do people think they need to procreate in every relationship they have? You both are being selfish for bringing another baby into the world when you have inadequate housing and 2 disabled DC with complex needs. Did it ever occur to you this baby might also have complex needs?
I feel very sorry for the DC in this situation.

I can't help but feel like he's choosing his past life over me and having a new family?

WTAF? His existing child is not his past life. There is not such thing as a new family, he has a family and is responsible for that child just as you are responsible for your existing child.

Apply to the court and set out visitation days and times.

Just re-read OP’s posts:

She and her partner have his son Friday morning to Monday evening in normal weeks. That’s 156 nights. (We won’t consider that OP and partner have more days.)

They had him for “all of Christmas,” and the child’s mum wants them to have him for all the half terms plus three weeks in the summer. This would be an extra 4 nights over each of the weeks - Monday night to Friday morning, which the child usually spends with his mum. Three weeks of half term, three weeks of summer, and let’s say 50% of the Christmas and Easter breaks = 8 x 4 = 32 nights.

Therefore under this arrangement OP and her partner have his son 188 nights a year compared to his ex having the child 177 nights. OP and partner are the ones eligible for child benefits, disability benefits, carer’s allowance and child maintenance from the child’s mum.

Aww it’s sad isn’t it OP, when men don’t abandon their kids to suit their new partners? 🙄 He’s the kids dad, he’s just as responsible for the child as the mother is. If he’s paying maintenance when he shouldn’t or you feel he should get part of the benefits, that’s for him and his ex to discuss, nothing to do with you.

And as for “boyfriends baby mum” - someone shoot me in the face.