DH wants master bedroom to be entirely office/workout space, I don't. AIBU?

[orchid55]

Moving to a new house with toddler and newborn. The house is split over 3 floors - 3 bedrooms on the first floor (2 decent size, one a bit more boxy but still fits a single bed) and then a nice spacious master with an ensuite on the top floor.

My husband works from home and wants the top floor to be his office/workout space so that he can have a quiet working space and the children don't disturb him. We have also discussed having a sofa bed in whichever room ends up being the office so family or friends can occasionally stay over. He says having the office/spare room in the loft means guests can have their own space and an ensuite which would be nice to offer.

Initially I could see practical reasons for this set up but I am now engaging my emotions more and don't feel happy with this set up at all. He will effectively have a whole floor to himself and will end up with his own quarters given it will have an ensuite and a sofa bed so he has a sofa to relax on when he needs a break. Whereas I feel relegated to the "children's floor" and the only space I get is when I am asleep - and even then, with a newborn not much of that will be happening for a long time. I know we would obviously share the bedroom but it is only big enough to sleep. It might fit a chest of drawers or a wardrobe at a push but I'm not even sure if it will as we have a king size bed and would at least like to have our bedside tables in there. This room would, however, fit a sofa bed and his office stuff.

Also, when it comes to people visiting, we might have somebody stay over maaaaybe once a quarter for a night or two. Surely them having their own space doesn't trump us having a nice space to ourselves since we have to live in this house every day.

But if we had the bedroom he suggests, most clothes would end up in the loft room. No space for me to have a dressing table or anything that's mine at all. Having to go to the office to get dressed every day - or multiple times a day. But then only having free access to it when he's not working.

I feel like I need our bedroom to be a sanctuary for us. A peaceful place, with enough space that I feel I can breathe at the end of the day after having two children attached at the hip all day. A little corner just for me even to have a dressing table - I've never had one and my bedside table is bursting at the seams with my things I would rather be able to keep nicely laid out and set up. I am happy with our bedroom also being a workout space, we have always done this since being married and it's worked out great for us since all the workout gear gets put away afterwards anyway.

I've expressed this and I do have some strong feelings about looking after my mental health with two young children. I have told him that the top floor will inevitably become his living space and he says I am attacking him by saying that and why can't I just share my feelings. But I am just stating the practical facts alongside my feelings. I did tell him that I crave a peaceful place, that daily life with 2 little ones is hard and I want to look after myself. That I would want that nice big room to be our space together, that I don't want to sleep in a cramped room with no room for my clothes let alone any tiny corner just for me. He still says I am attacking him but I think I am just stating the obvious problem here.

He has also asked why the bedroom has to be the relaxing space which I honestly thought was a bit ridiculous because where else? Having two kids rooms next to us means we have to talk quieter too whereas being upstairs means we can talk and laugh and not worry about waking the sleeping children. It just seems unreasonable. Am I supposed to put my dressing table in his office? Shall I permanently get dressed in the office? Shall I only have access to my clothes and our ensuite when he is not working and only ever shower in what will be the kids bathroom?

AIBU? Am I attacking him? How would I share my feelings in this situation without him feeling attacked? I am aware I can be quite intense when feeling overwhelmed but I am feeling overwhelmed as the demands of two young children are hard and sharing things without any intensity feels pretty impossible at the moment.

He is a very kind and loving man, not unreasonable the vast majority of time and definitely does care about me and my wellbeing but I am struggling to get through to him with this. Help!

My husband has the top floor of our house and boy am I glad .He is out of the way , I don't have to listen to the jabber all day long and we don't have to be as quiet when we are all at home. I also don't have to clean up there as he does it ..

It’s ridiculous to be on a separate floor from your children

Why? All the houses round my way have this three floor setup and pretty much everyone has the top floor as master bedroom and the kids on the floor below. It works well.

I agree with this. You're not being unreasonable though.

So he wants a bachelor pad then? Fuck that.

So op gets a fab ft job and the new live in nanny gets the loft yeah?
His wages don't trump op raising dc all day alone...

I've got a house with the same layout, and also have a toddler and a baby. We use the 2nd floor suite as an office (for both me and DH as we both WFH), and the three bedrooms on the first floor are for us, DC1 and DC2 who has only just moved into his own room.

It is the best layout, for a few reasons -

1. The "master suite" is actually a loft conversion and it gets really chilly at night. Obviously this doesn't matter much when it's an office which is normally used in the day.

1. It's much quieter up there than in one of the first floor bedrooms (I used to have my office in what's now the baby's room before he was born). Therefore much better space to work.

1. I want to be on the same floor as my DC. Even now they are 3yo and 9 months, they still regularly need me/DH in the night. The baby still feeds once or twice at night and the bigger one likes to come into our room first thing in the morning and wake us up, and occasionally has a nightmare or is ill etc and then we need to get to him fast.

Realistically, you're not going to be able to retreat from your children into your sanctuary of a bedroom for 8+ hours sleep and you-time for a good few years. That's not to say you can't or shouldn't have time away from them if you need it to recharge and stay mentally healthy, just that you need to find that time another day. Can DH watch them for half a weekend day every week so you can exercise or get your hair done or meet friends, or whatever? Can he get up with them every Sunday morning so you get a lie-in? Do you have any other help? Can you plan to put them both in childcare for a morning when the baby is older? Ultimately I think you'll get more and better quality you-time if you think about your actual time, rather than the place where you have it.

You say the two biggest first floor rooms are decent sized - can they really not fit a small wardrobe as well as a bed? Most can. If space is really at a premium would it help to have just a small chest of drawers with your most-worn stuff in, and DH keeps his clothes upstairs?

@Patineur if there isn't space within the home to accommodate your working needs you should just put up with disturbance from young children, however he doesn't have to as there is perfectly suitable space for him at home.

I agree with other posters that his income is relevant here. If he doesn't earn particularly well then the value of his work (to the family) is lower, and so his workspace isn't so important. If they rely on his income (wholly or predominantly) then the value of his work is higher, and his work space needs should carry more weight. There is currently only one space in that house where he can work without household noise disturbance.

"Coping" during lockdown where expectations were often lower due to kids being off school etc is quite different to working effectively in the post-lockdown working world. If their family doesn't rely on him working effectively then fine, have him work wherever.

I don’t think this house is suitable for your needs. How irrevocable is the commitment?

It's perfectly fine to work in a small room on the first floor. The kids are little and it sounds like floor 1 doesn't have any living space on it so young kids aren't going to be playing up there. He doesn't need a whole floor to himself regardless of how much he earns. I am the sole earner - should I boot the kid out of a bedroom?

Could you use the 4th bedroom as your dressing room? You could have a dressing table, your clothes shelves and a comfy/recliner/rocker chair. I presume the newborn is in with you at the moment and can share with the toddler once it’s ready to move. By the time they need their own rooms your circumstances may have changed and you can rethink. It does make sense for him to work away from you all. Ds2 has the bedroom with the en-suite here because he is working from home. It’s not perfect but the best arrangement we can come to at the moment.

Yanbu for wanting your clothes and dressing table etc in YOUR room.

but i personally wouldn’t want to be a whole floor above the young children. Less of an issue as they older though, I think.

my dh did in our old house have a large loft with guest bed and ensuite to himself for working (and v occasional workouts!). But at the time the kids shared. When we moved it made sense to have his office in the smallest bedroom so that’s what happened.

how about putting all his “things” in the loft as he wants it to be his “lair” so to speak- would that give you more space for your clothes and dressing table in your bedroom?

I'm guessing it's a loft conversion which, along with the en suite, takes up the footprint of the house pretty much. It must be fairly large if he wants and office and home gym in there 😅

The master should be for you and your DH- him trying say it is for him, study, fitness an ensuite and guest room. I mean he has it all sorted it out for him.

He is being selfish and ridiculous. The smaller room on another floor should be the guest room and his desk space.

@mewkins if you are the sole earner, the child's bedroom is the only suitable place for you to conduct your 'earning' and there is an alternative bedroom for the child, then absolutely boot away.

There isn't and I think it's more important for a child to have their own space than for me to have a devoted office space. In all honesty after decades of listening to office chat I find it completely fine to work with the various comings and goings of my children getting home from school.

I haven't read all the replies so apologies if I'm repeating anything.

My first thought: does he often accuse you of "attacking" him when you disagree or challenge him? It seems like a strong reaction and a convenient way to shut you down.

The house doesn't sound ideal tbh so I would probably keep looking unless you have already exchanged contracts.

If he works from home full time I think he does need his work space to be separate if possible. But my solution would be to have your bedroom and his desk in the master bedroom on the top floor. Then on the first floor you could have workout equipment in the box room. And perhaps a sofa bed as well as a cot in the baby's room so one of you can sleep in with baby if needed. And/or a single bed with trundle underneath for toddler. That gives various options for flexibility in case a child is ill or you have guests (ie baby can go in with you or toddler while they have the double bed in baby's room).

When you say newborn, how old is baby exactly? Mine were bad sleepers/early risers for at least the first year so I'd want to be on the same floor for that reason. Getting up is painful enough without falling up/down the stairs.

@mewkins depends on the house I suppose. I have a loft conversation which is the floor print of half of the house due to a flat roof at the front - even then, the sloped roof and eaves means there is less workable floor print than the half below it.

If the room is the size of an entire floor, why can't it be both his office and their bedroom so long as he has exclusive use of it when working?

Not sure why you'd need to kick a child out of a bedroom but if it's necessary for your work and they'd have another bedroom 🤷🏻‍♀️

The best solution is to get a different home if that’s possible.

I think YANBU; there’s no way I’d be happy with this arrangement. Having said that, I don’t have young children so the question is, how comfortable are you being on a different floor to them. (Sounds ideal to me).

Could you split the top floor into 2 rooms, with a much smaller room as his office? I understand the need to have an office away from everything else, but he shouldn’t get to have it for anything else.

He compromises or you get a different house.

It was a fairly gargantuan opener, tbf.

Maybe her wrists are still recovering?

Same here - this is exactly the set up that we've got and it works for us. I take my shower there and I've got most of my clothes up there, which makes our bedroom less cluttered as well.

Kids can make as much noise as they want downstairs without disrupting any calls.

Also the loft space gets super hot and there's no way I could sleep there during the summer months.

I am occasionally jealous of the space and the ability to close the door to 'family life', but realistically, with small kids, I am not going to be left alone anyway.

Tell him he can have his man cave upstairs if you can have your own personal retreat in the garden and demand a garden room. It'll only add an extra £10k or so to your mortgage depending what you choose. I loved the hexagonal one at a certain upmarket garden centre, which was beautifully decorated with a wrought iron day bed and comfy chairs. In fact I hid in there for a little while and had a pleasant relax and fantasy as DH had got lost.

Of course the obvious drawback is that you would mostly want to use it during the day, and not sleep in there (presumably 🤔) so you wouldn't be able to enjoy peace hiding from the children much. And as they got older they would invade and create an upmarket Wendy house for themselves.

But you don't have to tell him that. You deserve a pleasant space of your own. With lots of fairy lights etc you could disappear there in the evening leaving him on bedtime duty. 😂

Bother. Screen grabs not loading.
Here's the link.

www.cranegardenbuildings.co.uk/garden-rooms

For now it does make sense for him to be on the top floor if working from home as you won't have to tip toe around and kids can play in rooms. Could u split the master bedroom with shelving unit so you can have a dressing room area and he has his work area?

OP is clearly currently a SAHP as they have a newborn. How do you calculate the degree to which she contributes to the family’s well-being, financial or otherwise?

I earn 5x my DH’s salary and yet because he is my “D”H I would never dream of demanding that I get the biggest room in the house to wfh without his agreement. We are a team and contribute to our family in different but equal ways.

It's a new house: did he ever once mention this plan during the purchasing process? Or is this an idea he's sprung on you now that it's done? Because that's really unfair of him to let you think you'd be moving into a spacious area with an en suite then whipping the rug out from under you.

He can easily have one of the other rooms for his office.