DH wants master bedroom to be entirely office/workout space, I don't. AIBU?

[orchid55]

Moving to a new house with toddler and newborn. The house is split over 3 floors - 3 bedrooms on the first floor (2 decent size, one a bit more boxy but still fits a single bed) and then a nice spacious master with an ensuite on the top floor.

My husband works from home and wants the top floor to be his office/workout space so that he can have a quiet working space and the children don't disturb him. We have also discussed having a sofa bed in whichever room ends up being the office so family or friends can occasionally stay over. He says having the office/spare room in the loft means guests can have their own space and an ensuite which would be nice to offer.

Initially I could see practical reasons for this set up but I am now engaging my emotions more and don't feel happy with this set up at all. He will effectively have a whole floor to himself and will end up with his own quarters given it will have an ensuite and a sofa bed so he has a sofa to relax on when he needs a break. Whereas I feel relegated to the "children's floor" and the only space I get is when I am asleep - and even then, with a newborn not much of that will be happening for a long time. I know we would obviously share the bedroom but it is only big enough to sleep. It might fit a chest of drawers or a wardrobe at a push but I'm not even sure if it will as we have a king size bed and would at least like to have our bedside tables in there. This room would, however, fit a sofa bed and his office stuff.

Also, when it comes to people visiting, we might have somebody stay over maaaaybe once a quarter for a night or two. Surely them having their own space doesn't trump us having a nice space to ourselves since we have to live in this house every day.

But if we had the bedroom he suggests, most clothes would end up in the loft room. No space for me to have a dressing table or anything that's mine at all. Having to go to the office to get dressed every day - or multiple times a day. But then only having free access to it when he's not working.

I feel like I need our bedroom to be a sanctuary for us. A peaceful place, with enough space that I feel I can breathe at the end of the day after having two children attached at the hip all day. A little corner just for me even to have a dressing table - I've never had one and my bedside table is bursting at the seams with my things I would rather be able to keep nicely laid out and set up. I am happy with our bedroom also being a workout space, we have always done this since being married and it's worked out great for us since all the workout gear gets put away afterwards anyway.

I've expressed this and I do have some strong feelings about looking after my mental health with two young children. I have told him that the top floor will inevitably become his living space and he says I am attacking him by saying that and why can't I just share my feelings. But I am just stating the practical facts alongside my feelings. I did tell him that I crave a peaceful place, that daily life with 2 little ones is hard and I want to look after myself. That I would want that nice big room to be our space together, that I don't want to sleep in a cramped room with no room for my clothes let alone any tiny corner just for me. He still says I am attacking him but I think I am just stating the obvious problem here.

He has also asked why the bedroom has to be the relaxing space which I honestly thought was a bit ridiculous because where else? Having two kids rooms next to us means we have to talk quieter too whereas being upstairs means we can talk and laugh and not worry about waking the sleeping children. It just seems unreasonable. Am I supposed to put my dressing table in his office? Shall I permanently get dressed in the office? Shall I only have access to my clothes and our ensuite when he is not working and only ever shower in what will be the kids bathroom?

AIBU? Am I attacking him? How would I share my feelings in this situation without him feeling attacked? I am aware I can be quite intense when feeling overwhelmed but I am feeling overwhelmed as the demands of two young children are hard and sharing things without any intensity feels pretty impossible at the moment.

He is a very kind and loving man, not unreasonable the vast majority of time and definitely does care about me and my wellbeing but I am struggling to get through to him with this. Help!

We have this set up and it is NOT DH's space. The desk is but the rest of the room is another family room with a sofa bed and a games console. It's very handy shoving guests up there with the ensuite. It works really well when the kids have friends round. Our kids are older though.

In your shoes if I wanted the upstairs to be the bedroom I'd say I'd be more comfortable shagging in it, away from the kids. That kind of manipulative tactic is probably frowned upon on here though.

I'm surprised at how flippant people are towards his work needs. I work from home 100% of the time, my income provides at least half of the household income (and my earning potential is higher than my partners). I would not take kindly to my partner telling me "just go back to the office" (I can't), "just go and rent some office space", "just get a new job" or "just have the box room"

Lots of us work from home, we don't demand entire floors of our houses to ourselves while telling our partners needs don't matter and whining that they are "attacking us" qwhen they articulate their own reasonable needs....

Yeah would not fly in my marriage. Hard no to that suggestion. I feel like details are missing out here. How on earth are you attacking him? Did this conversation about how to use the rooms turn into insults and accusations?

Box room = nursery for new born. One decent sized bedroom for toddler, other decent sized bedroom for home office/workout/guest space. You and DH share the top floor master bedroom. You can reconfigure bedroom/Office space on the first floor as the children get bigger. You might find that they are fine with sharing a bigger room to sleep and keep clothes and the box room is a good play space. Or the box room becomes the WFH office and each child has their own bedroom at night. It sounds like you have plenty of flexible space, and DH doesn't get to bag the best space as 'his', which you then have to 'ask permission' to enter to get dressed or whatever.

The whole "entire floor" thing is a bit dramatic. Yes it's a floor, but it's a room that's a bit bigger than the others and an en-suite, it's hardly it's own little complex.

What are OP's needs? I only read about her wants - wanting a dressing table (hardly a necessity?!). If the largest bedroom on that floor cannot contain a bed, chest of drawers and wardrobe it clearly isn't right for this family.

Hi @orchid55 I work from home and have done on and off for 20 years. My office is my office, when I'm in it I'm at work, when I'm not I'm at home. Nothing else happens in my office. If I were your DH I'd set up the smallest room as a dedicated office.

Box rooms are the perfect office space.

Do you have a garage you could eventually convert to be a bigger office space.

It seems odd to me that you didn't have this conversation before you decided to buy the house. Surely you must have looked at the space available, layout of various rooms etc. and had an idea how you were going to use it?

What are OP's needs? I only read about her wants - wanting a dressing table (hardly a necessity?!). If the largest bedroom on that floor cannot contain a bed, chest of drawers and wardrobe it clearly isn't right for this family.

This seems a bit contradictory. In one breath fitting her things in her bedroom is just a "want", in the next the house isn't right for you if you can't do that. Personally I think being able to fit your clothes in your bedroom is as much a need as having a large office out of the way of potential noise. They're both things that could be coped without but it would be far better not to have to. Both should be a priority.

But it is an entire floor, even if a small part of it is the en suite. It's the same space as is occupied by three bedrooms plus a landing (plus a bathroom?) on the floor below.

Surely the first question is: what does OP's husband actually need for work purposes? He clearly doesn't need an en suite or a workout space. Most people only need a desk and some shelving. If he really needs that much space to work, his employers should be paying for it.

YANBU, before you know it he’ll be up there whether working or not, essentially in a studio flat.

Let him have it, then put all of your clothes/dressing table/hairdryer etc in there too - and every single time.you need it, go in and use it whether he is working or not. See who gets bored first!

I don't get why anyone is saying the house isn't a good fit for them - it's perfect: master bedroom, two big bedrooms for the kids and one small room for an office.

I wonder how long it will be before he moves a mini fridge and coffee maker up there too!

@Patineur top floors are usually smaller or have less workable space than the floors below due to the eaves of the house, so it probably isn't the same space but even if it is, it's neither here nor there really. I don't think it comes down to space, I think it's the segregation from the rest of the household during work hours whilst young children are home. I doubt OP can or would want to contain the children on the ground floor during working hours so that her husband isn't disturbed.

When the children are old enough to be in school, or at nursery full time, then it won't be a problem.

He can use the smaller room
for his office space and head upstairs to the master when he needs bathroom breaks so he doesn’t disrupt family life if the children are at an age where that is an issue.

of course, if the children are at an age where that is an issue, I would be reticent to sleep on a separate floor.

Because the degree to which his workspace needs have to be considered is surely directly proportional to the degree they contribute to the family’s financial well-being. This is, by the way, why the “tell him you want it as a yoga studio/sewing room” argument is asinine—unless the OP is pulling in a shedload of money from yoga or sewing.

If she doesn't rely on his income in any capacity then yes that's a great idea. If she does, then it's not such a great idea is it.

He's having a laugh. Box room for office. If its that important that guests have the ensuite you can decamp to the sofabed for a couple of nights when they visit.

Is he proposing his company pay the running costs for one full floor of the house and rent for it? If not, you minimise space dedicated to work.

I think his idea works on paper but if he’s going to disappear there all the time then no. Maybe you need to start working out 🏋️‍♀️ and going up there for a break when he’s not working. Leave him on the other floors with the kids. No way would I be sleeping up there by the way. On a separate floor to the kids.

I completely agree!

I was starting to think I had missed something and OP was running a couture house out of her bedroom.

Haven't read the full thread, but I think it's not unreasonable to want to work on the top floor as working on a room next to where the kids will be is hard going - it's why lots of people long for garden offices as it gives you that separation.
However, I also see what you are saying (I'm a mum of 3 young ones!) so it's hard.
If he does work on the top floor you need to have access to it too outwith work hours. I also wondered whether you could use your box room as a dressing room? (Assuming your kids share while young?) giving you some space that is 'yours'?

After reading this and the other horrible thread about a friend's sister having sex with the friend's husband, I sometimes wonder: would it not be better if we all just lived separately?

Why do we do it? But the benefits must outweigh the costs and heartbreak.

You should have discussed this previously. This is a ridiculous conversation to have now. It’s ridiculous to keep a room for guests when you have so little space. It’s ridiculous to be on a separate floor from your children and it is ridiculous for your husband to have the largest room in the house for his exclusive use. You can bet that when the baby is crying your husband will retreat to his office/gym.

If you choose to WFH with young children, being disturbed by young children is a risk you have to accept. Again, we all coped during lockdown.