DH wants master bedroom to be entirely office/workout space, I don't. AIBU?

[orchid55]

Moving to a new house with toddler and newborn. The house is split over 3 floors - 3 bedrooms on the first floor (2 decent size, one a bit more boxy but still fits a single bed) and then a nice spacious master with an ensuite on the top floor.

My husband works from home and wants the top floor to be his office/workout space so that he can have a quiet working space and the children don't disturb him. We have also discussed having a sofa bed in whichever room ends up being the office so family or friends can occasionally stay over. He says having the office/spare room in the loft means guests can have their own space and an ensuite which would be nice to offer.

Initially I could see practical reasons for this set up but I am now engaging my emotions more and don't feel happy with this set up at all. He will effectively have a whole floor to himself and will end up with his own quarters given it will have an ensuite and a sofa bed so he has a sofa to relax on when he needs a break. Whereas I feel relegated to the "children's floor" and the only space I get is when I am asleep - and even then, with a newborn not much of that will be happening for a long time. I know we would obviously share the bedroom but it is only big enough to sleep. It might fit a chest of drawers or a wardrobe at a push but I'm not even sure if it will as we have a king size bed and would at least like to have our bedside tables in there. This room would, however, fit a sofa bed and his office stuff.

Also, when it comes to people visiting, we might have somebody stay over maaaaybe once a quarter for a night or two. Surely them having their own space doesn't trump us having a nice space to ourselves since we have to live in this house every day.

But if we had the bedroom he suggests, most clothes would end up in the loft room. No space for me to have a dressing table or anything that's mine at all. Having to go to the office to get dressed every day - or multiple times a day. But then only having free access to it when he's not working.

I feel like I need our bedroom to be a sanctuary for us. A peaceful place, with enough space that I feel I can breathe at the end of the day after having two children attached at the hip all day. A little corner just for me even to have a dressing table - I've never had one and my bedside table is bursting at the seams with my things I would rather be able to keep nicely laid out and set up. I am happy with our bedroom also being a workout space, we have always done this since being married and it's worked out great for us since all the workout gear gets put away afterwards anyway.

I've expressed this and I do have some strong feelings about looking after my mental health with two young children. I have told him that the top floor will inevitably become his living space and he says I am attacking him by saying that and why can't I just share my feelings. But I am just stating the practical facts alongside my feelings. I did tell him that I crave a peaceful place, that daily life with 2 little ones is hard and I want to look after myself. That I would want that nice big room to be our space together, that I don't want to sleep in a cramped room with no room for my clothes let alone any tiny corner just for me. He still says I am attacking him but I think I am just stating the obvious problem here.

He has also asked why the bedroom has to be the relaxing space which I honestly thought was a bit ridiculous because where else? Having two kids rooms next to us means we have to talk quieter too whereas being upstairs means we can talk and laugh and not worry about waking the sleeping children. It just seems unreasonable. Am I supposed to put my dressing table in his office? Shall I permanently get dressed in the office? Shall I only have access to my clothes and our ensuite when he is not working and only ever shower in what will be the kids bathroom?

AIBU? Am I attacking him? How would I share my feelings in this situation without him feeling attacked? I am aware I can be quite intense when feeling overwhelmed but I am feeling overwhelmed as the demands of two young children are hard and sharing things without any intensity feels pretty impossible at the moment.

He is a very kind and loving man, not unreasonable the vast majority of time and definitely does care about me and my wellbeing but I am struggling to get through to him with this. Help!

Surely you agreed the space before you put the offer in? If the master is not to be used as a master then you need a different house.

You don’t need that big a room for a study.

It makes far more sense to me for a WFH office to be as far aware from the central family living areas so work is not intruding in the family home. I couldn't have my office next to my young child's bedroom as I am regularly on zoom calls later at night and I would either disturb them or they would disturb me. I spend 8+ hours a day in my home office, so we work out equally the needs of that and it being practical within the family home environment.

It also practically makes more sense the family areas are closer together when the children are so young. If dh was doing the office working I would want him out of the way and not in the centre of the home so I didn't feel the children and I had to tiptoe around.

What you both want doesn't fit with the spaces you have so there needs to be some prioritisation of needs and realistic compromises.

We have a similar set up with young kids and it makes much more sense to have the separate space on the upper floor as a home office and guest area. However, it shouldn't just be his man cave though.

When the kids get a bit older then maybe we will change it up but having to trudge up and down a flight of narrow stairs every time 6yo has a nightmare, no thanks!

If the child is less than two- I would make the master your bedroom. The box room can be his office. Like other- experienced poster’s have warned you, this may be the first step in thinking that shared parental duties are just wifework.

I guess. But all those are unlikely to be a huge issue. Even in the case of a fire if you have good smoke alarms the kids are on the way down, so surely that’s even better than having to run up, grab them, then run back down? As for attackers, in a real life situation me being fast asleep twelve steps closer is unlikely to put off a dedicated attack.

Buy a garden office as well. He can have peace out there, you get the bigger bedroom

I think you’re being unreasonable, it’s hard to concentrate when you can hear kids etc.

And yet we all managed through lockdown, and many of us still are managing fine.

If it's that much of a problem, he should be looking at a garden office or a job which provides an office for him to work in.

My baby has slept on a different floor since she was 5 months old. It works GREAT.

the top floor is OUR sanctuary 100%.
Baby comes up to play and we have dpuble doors that c lose to create a contained space.

also we do have a big enough double to fit aking size bed and a "big cot" (the kind the sides come off and they sleep in until 3 years ish) so if she is poorly one of us can sleep with her.

I too am protective of my mental health. When i dont function life is a hot mess for the whole family.

I wouldnt pay for a mortgage on a hpuse that wasnt working for me. And if my husband hogged the master it wouldnt work for me.

Agree garden office is the solution if thats how he feels.

Agree garden office is the solution if thats how he feels.

I have a similar set up and it works well..
I wouldn’t want to be on a different floor to kids.. especially above them.. fire.. burglars.. if they are un well

There is absolutely no way I would sleep in a smaller room, especially with no wardrobe etc, just so his lordship could have a big old play pad to himself.

Fuck. That!!

He's a first class CF for even suggesting it, and a selfish git to boot!

He has also asked why the bedroom has to be the relaxing space which I honestly thought was a bit ridiculous because where else?

I only ever sleep in my bedroom - I relax in the living room downstairs. Does that not factor into this at all?

I think he is being selfish to expect the top floor to be "his". It isn't really necessary for an office to be that big and certainly the more relaxing, hanging out in there side of things should be open to both of you.

Personally I don't think I'd want to be sleeping on a different floor to the kids, especially above them, so that would be a big factor for me.

At the same time, I would not want a bedroom that wasn't big enough to keep my things in it. Any chance of reconfiguring the walls so that one of the 2nd floor rooms was bigger, allowing for a wardrobe and dresser?

If not, and if you're happy to be sleeping on the 3rd floor with the kids on the 2nd, then I think you're right that the 3rd floor should be the master bedroom. It needs to at least be fit for purpose.

I’m baffled. There are three bedrooms on the first floor, “two a decent size” but the bedroom you would be in would not have space for bedside tables? If that’s the case then it obviously isn’t a decent size. Space for a bed, bedside tables and a wardrobe (unless wardrobe space is built in) is surely the prerequisite for an adult bedroom and anything that can’t house those items is too small. Surely one of the three rooms can do this?
As for the master bedroom v study/workspace argument, I’m surprised you are ok being separated from
your children when they are so small. We had a three floor house and made the top floor a study space/library—between us did three MAs and half a PhD in the five years we lived there, but being “up there” seemed like being in a different place altogether. We used to communicate between floors by phone! But, surely, separating your husband’s work from the kids seems just common sense. Mind you, I would probably be thinking how much your DH’s job contributed to family finances. If you are largely dependent on his income, then it makes sense to give him a decent work environment. If you are the primary earner, then you get much more of a say.

My response would depend on how he was as a partner/husband generally.

It wouldn't be a massive issue with my partner, but with my ex husband I'd have told him to bugger off.

Turn it round on him…Start measuring it up for a sewing room, craft room. do a mood board to show where the sewing machine, cutting table, ironing board, fabric shelves and a sofa bed would go. See how he likes them apples.
Im with you op, his idea is ridiculous, like a pp said he’s a dad now, he’s not a single unattached bloke who gets to opt out of family like when he chooses to.
His idea comes across as treating you like ‘staff’, he gets to Best room while you get the servants quarters.

“If you are largely dependent on his income, then it makes sense to give him a decent work environment. If you are the primary earner, then you get much more of a say.”

I’m baffled. What does it matter who is the primary earner and why does that person get more of a say?

Bit tricky this one but if the other bedrooms are really really pokey then i don't think you are being unreasonable.

If it was me, DH only uses a laptop and a phone for work so I would just tell him to work up there but it's still our bedroom. Likewise I probably wouldn't use a dressing table that much so you could have a dressing table that doubles as a desk.

All depends on your lifestyle tho. I would rather have DH working in the furthest room in the house so he can focus but I am imagining alot of the 3 stories we have looked round recently and the top floor is kind of small when you take into account the roof space but if it's substantial then it seems unfair.

I don't get why people say this, it's one flight of stairs not a 2 mile long obstacle course throughn mud!
I had this set up when mine were small and it was completely fine.

Divide the top floor bedroom into a bedroom and a part closed off or with a room divider that is his office space.

I'm surprised at how flippant people are towards his work needs. I work from home 100% of the time, my income provides at least half of the household income (and my earning potential is higher than my partners). I would not take kindly to my partner telling me "just go back to the office" (I can't), "just go and rent some office space", "just get a new job" or "just have the box room".

If his working needs can be met within the house, then they should be. I wouldn't think he needs a huge amount of space, rather it's the separation from household noises during working hours. Could it be your bedroom and his office if you keep out of it during working hours?

If you can afford it, a garden office would seem the best compromise, assuming you're happy sleeping on a different floor to the kids.

Completely agree.

My baby and little kids are floor below and no issues. It’s a flight of stairs 😂 We just installed motion sensor lights down the staircase to avoid any trips at night. Other than that it’s no different to being on the same floor!

Wow 10 pages and no response from OP

@TheBigWangTheory For me it's less about being up and down and more about danger of intruders/fire etc. I'd struggle to relax at night if I heard a noise and didn't feel like an intruder would reach me before the kids. It's a psychological thing more than anything else.