DH wants master bedroom to be entirely office/workout space, I don't. AIBU?

[orchid55]

Moving to a new house with toddler and newborn. The house is split over 3 floors - 3 bedrooms on the first floor (2 decent size, one a bit more boxy but still fits a single bed) and then a nice spacious master with an ensuite on the top floor.

My husband works from home and wants the top floor to be his office/workout space so that he can have a quiet working space and the children don't disturb him. We have also discussed having a sofa bed in whichever room ends up being the office so family or friends can occasionally stay over. He says having the office/spare room in the loft means guests can have their own space and an ensuite which would be nice to offer.

Initially I could see practical reasons for this set up but I am now engaging my emotions more and don't feel happy with this set up at all. He will effectively have a whole floor to himself and will end up with his own quarters given it will have an ensuite and a sofa bed so he has a sofa to relax on when he needs a break. Whereas I feel relegated to the "children's floor" and the only space I get is when I am asleep - and even then, with a newborn not much of that will be happening for a long time. I know we would obviously share the bedroom but it is only big enough to sleep. It might fit a chest of drawers or a wardrobe at a push but I'm not even sure if it will as we have a king size bed and would at least like to have our bedside tables in there. This room would, however, fit a sofa bed and his office stuff.

Also, when it comes to people visiting, we might have somebody stay over maaaaybe once a quarter for a night or two. Surely them having their own space doesn't trump us having a nice space to ourselves since we have to live in this house every day.

But if we had the bedroom he suggests, most clothes would end up in the loft room. No space for me to have a dressing table or anything that's mine at all. Having to go to the office to get dressed every day - or multiple times a day. But then only having free access to it when he's not working.

I feel like I need our bedroom to be a sanctuary for us. A peaceful place, with enough space that I feel I can breathe at the end of the day after having two children attached at the hip all day. A little corner just for me even to have a dressing table - I've never had one and my bedside table is bursting at the seams with my things I would rather be able to keep nicely laid out and set up. I am happy with our bedroom also being a workout space, we have always done this since being married and it's worked out great for us since all the workout gear gets put away afterwards anyway.

I've expressed this and I do have some strong feelings about looking after my mental health with two young children. I have told him that the top floor will inevitably become his living space and he says I am attacking him by saying that and why can't I just share my feelings. But I am just stating the practical facts alongside my feelings. I did tell him that I crave a peaceful place, that daily life with 2 little ones is hard and I want to look after myself. That I would want that nice big room to be our space together, that I don't want to sleep in a cramped room with no room for my clothes let alone any tiny corner just for me. He still says I am attacking him but I think I am just stating the obvious problem here.

He has also asked why the bedroom has to be the relaxing space which I honestly thought was a bit ridiculous because where else? Having two kids rooms next to us means we have to talk quieter too whereas being upstairs means we can talk and laugh and not worry about waking the sleeping children. It just seems unreasonable. Am I supposed to put my dressing table in his office? Shall I permanently get dressed in the office? Shall I only have access to my clothes and our ensuite when he is not working and only ever shower in what will be the kids bathroom?

AIBU? Am I attacking him? How would I share my feelings in this situation without him feeling attacked? I am aware I can be quite intense when feeling overwhelmed but I am feeling overwhelmed as the demands of two young children are hard and sharing things without any intensity feels pretty impossible at the moment.

He is a very kind and loving man, not unreasonable the vast majority of time and definitely does care about me and my wellbeing but I am struggling to get through to him with this. Help!

Be very very clear he is doing this deliberately because he thinks that he will get what he wants at your expense. You could let it happen but have a counter strategy to make sure it backfires on him?

This is such an obvious solution, I really don't understand why not only the OP and her husband, but most people on this thread, are so all-or-nothing about that space.

That suggests it's not really about the space, it's about both people wanting time to themselves. If you can be honest about that, then you can have a much more productive conversation about space and time and breaks etc.

I mean you just made all that up in your head and then decided to criticize him for what you made up. We could also make up a crazy scenario about OP and her needing a sanctuary and all the time she would spend in there doing x y and z but it doesn't make it true. When you make things up to support your own bias - you don't have much to fall back on.

I work permanently from home in a senior role, taking Zoom calls early with Asia and late with the US. I certainly don't need a whole floor and ensuite room to WFH!
My toddlers are cared for by their nanny at home, and I'm never disturbed.
The OP's children will be downstairs/out in the garden most of the working day, so if he works on the middle floor, they wont disturb him.

However, I also would not like to sleep on a different floor to young children.

Will you go back to work? If so, could the top floor be an office for both of you?

I wouldn't want to be on a different floor to my kids when they are so young, could you agree to it now on the condition that your bedroom will move up there when the kids are a bit older?

I see why you're resentful of him having that space, do you work from home? If not, you have different needs, and it does make sense for him to be away from the kids rooms for work, especially while they're young and at home during the day.

It's the wrong house for you. Can you pull out at this stage and find another?

IMO WFH space works much, much better when it's properly separate from the living space (and I've done it from both sides - both the one WFH and the one wrangling small kids while DH WFH). It's for the sake of the one WFH being able to concentrate, yes, but also it's a right PITA trying to shush screaming/excited babies and toddlers when there's a meeting going on on the other side of a thin bedroom door, or dealing with raging toddlers wanting to hammer on that door because they know daddy's just gone inside and don't understand why he won't come out and play with them. I much preferred having him safely tucked away out of sight out of mind rather than having the living space effectively invaded by work. The problem is not that the space is separate from the living area, it's that it leaves you without a decent master bedroom. Looking for a different house might solve the issue if that's an option.

Having two kids rooms next to us means we have to talk quieter too whereas being upstairs means we can talk and laugh and not worry about waking the sleeping children.

Think this is the first time I've ever seen a parent on here want to sleep on a different floor to their two very young children.* I appreciate the newborn is probably still sleeping in your room but that won't be forever.

Couldn't you sleep on the lower floor with your kids for the first few years and then migrate to the upper floor once they're a bit older?

*Not saying that it doesn't ever happen. I remember the Jon Benet Ramsay case.

A few years ago I watched a program on TV. Amongst other things it was about men taking space from women. They do it without thinking. You can see it in schools where boys have a game of football in the centre of the playground and girls putting up with the space left on the outside. There was the case in the past of a lovely vicar. He had been kind to all his parishioners but he had taken the largest sunniest room in the vicarage to be his study. His family had the not so nice room to be their living room.

attacking... what's with all these men on here crying victim when they don't get their way haha.

Feels like a waste of a master bedroom and the luxury of an en-suite. I would make this a bedroom and if he wants his desk in the bedroom that’s fine.

if he doesn’t want his desk to be in the bedroom then he takes the box room on the second floor.

saying it will ask be a guest room is a load of rubbish, I bet it won’t ever be tidy enough for that if it’s got a desk and workout things in it.

Kid's bathroom? You mean family bsthroom like any normal family has surely. Why would you want to sleep on a separate floor to young children maybe put their needs before your wants of a dressing area.

It's dominance behaviour, claiming as much territory and as much prime territory for themselves as they can. Women should see it for what it is and do the same back, start grabbing as much as they can for themselves just like the men do.
We think that if we co-operate and play nicely they will reciprocate in kind, but they don't, they see this as an opportunity to move in and claim more for themselves.
OP is questioning his power grab and he responds by accusing her of attacking, the purpose of this is to make her feel defensive/ angry/ ...any negative emotion will do the trick because it makes it harder for her to to see things clearly and respond effectively and in her own interests.

It wouldn't work for me either.

I don't want to tiptoe in and out of my bedroom during his working hours. Are you going to potter around in the background of his teams calls working out when the toddlers nap, putting away clothing. It won't be shared space at all.

The obvious answer is that the box room becomes the home study. The baby needs to be in with you both for starters.

As for the two floors thing, that's what video monitors were designed for.

he's being very unreasonable to claim an entire floor for his private use if there isn't the capacity for you to have an equivalent space that is your own.

of course it would be lovely to give guests a nice suite but most family homes don't have the capacity for spacious guest accommodation, and anyway its not going to be used for guests very often is it, it would mostly be just him. it's ridiculous to squeeze the rest of your family life into too-small a space for these lower-priority things.

The master suite should be the master bedroom which you share, and a retreat for both of you. He can have one of the ordinary bedrooms as a study, and can do his workouts in the garden.

My kids are older now but neither left their room in the night and rarely woke or needed help. My son maybe twice calling out because he felt sick. It would have been fine on a different floor as when little you can use a baby monitor anyway.

Shoffice in the garden or he can rent an office elsewhere. It shouldn't be too big or too comfortable.

You know what's going to happen if he has a lovely comfortable suite upstairs to himself, don't you? He's going to start working evenings and for hours at the weekends and you're going to be too busy or distracted by the baby to get up there to see if he's working or playing video games. Before long you'll be living like a single mum with a lodger in the attic room.

I saw it happen to friends over lockdown.

YANBU OP.
He is being very sly and putting you on the back foot by saying you are attacking him. As pp said, in time, you will have a lodger on the top floor who plays little or no part in family life.

There are safety benefits to being on the same floor as the children particularly as they are so young and in your shoes I would have my bedroom on the same floor as them if it were big enough to fully function as an adult bedroom but it doesn't sound like it is. Having the loft space as a work space does to some degree make sense and will ultimately make life easier for you to parent two small children with a WFH DH by creating some space between 'home' and 'work' particularly from a noise point of view (ever since covid I have felt sorry for adults and children who are constantly expected to keep the noise down in a house because it's now a work space). I wouldn't necessary invest too much in a 'nice space for guests including an ensuite' - you aren't running a hotel and should buy a house first and foremost to meet the needs of the people occupying it 99% of the time. I can imagine some DH's spending a bit too much time 'working' in their nicely created den and avoiding the trickier parts of parenting and would want very strong boundaries and expectations in place to go down that route. Ultimately I don't actually think the house layout really works for you.

If he wants his own space then he can bloody well move out.

Or, I don't know....they could have a mature discussion about their different expectations and resolve any misunderstandings or preconceived notions and then live happily ever after.

He definitely wants to hide out so that he can sneak in a video game here and there.😄

Saying that you're attacking him is just a way of acting like you're unreasonable whenever you make a reasonable argument or try to stand up for your own needs. It's gaslighting. Why do guests get to have the nicest room and you have to stay in a bedroom that doesn't even have room for your clothes? The whole setup sounds ridiculous.

How can expressing a wish for a bedroom that isn't cramped and has room for your clothes or a dressing table possibly constitute an attack on your husband? If anything, he is attacking you by saying you can't have that whilst he commandeers the room that is actually intended to be the master bedroom.

He won't want to do that because then he'll have to acknowledge that he hasn't got a leg to stand on, he wants to get what works for him and not be questioned

Tell him to go back to working from the office.

I imagine this is happening in a lot of homes. He can’t take over the best bit of house for his workspace. Either he uses a box room or he goes back to work.