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Original poster

H arrested for crashing car..over the limit. What happens

264 replies

user1471427614 · 05/02/2023 22:53

Husband has just phoned on his way to work to tell me hes crashed his car into a lamp post. He says police are there..hes ok..no one else involved. I tell him ilk phone work and let them know. In the time it takes to do that hes been breathised and blow 81 and has been arrested. I only know as the policeman answered the phone.

Husband has a problem with drink but only works two nights. I didnt know he was drinking while driving. He lost his licence for this when he was 17.

I've never been involved with the police. Does anyone know what might happen. They have taken him to the custody suite. When do they get realised is it mornings or could it be in the night. Does anyone know what might happen ie chargers. Points. Prison??? I've got no idea

We have 4 kids at home. He does the school run (walks). I'm guessing that I will have to do that tomorrow (at least and go to work late.

I'm sure your agree that I'm not be unreasonable to tell him that any drinking stops now.

Any advice or handheold would be appreciated I'm shaking and dont know what to do

OP posts:
Sausagemogg · 06/02/2023 09:03

It might well be a catalyst for him to change but hopefully it's one for you as well. Living with an addict is not easy, and it's not fair on your children either. He is very fortunate that he hit a lamp post and didn't kill someone, I know you keep saying you don't want to hear it but this is the magnitude of what he has done. Do you want to be with someone so utterly selfish?

Cosyblankets · 06/02/2023 09:06

It's not your fine. It's his. It's not your responsibility It's his.
Like a PP said you need to stop carrying him and let him face the consequences.
Best of luck to you

Sicario · 06/02/2023 09:09

The drink drive arrest was the excuse I needed to end my marriage to an alcoholic. Get this pathetic man out of your life, rebuild, and never look back.

Sicario · 06/02/2023 09:10

(I also stupidly ended up paying his fine. I was so used to picking up the pieces of his mess. DO NOT PAY HIS FINE. Let him face the consequences.)

Bookworm20 · 06/02/2023 09:11

OP, what a horrible situation he has put you in. And he is extremely lucky no one else was involved or injured. Extremely lucky.It does not sound though like he brings much to the pot in terms of your family. He only works twice a week and he can't even not drink for that small period of time.

I would be seriously looking at his actions when he is released, and that will give you an indication if he realises how serious this is and how much it has messed up your lives (and thankfully no one elses). And also give an indication if he is serious about getting help.

If he is focused on how bad it is for HIM, and how he can get out of the situation, how it affects HIM, whether he talks about driving anyway even if banned, if he talks about not disclosing to his emplyer/future employer etc and shows very little towards the seriousness of what could have happened to someone else, I'd be considering what this person actually brings to your life.
He should be on his knees in shame and last thoughts in his head should be about HIM. If he isn't recognising the distress it has caused you and that he could very well have ended someone elses life, that will give you an idea as to how 'helpable' he will be.

pointythings · 06/02/2023 09:13

OP, you do need to assess whether or not you should stay in this marriage, and that will depend on how your H responds to this event. However, right now what you need is support. You're living with someone who is addicted to alcohol and that is incredibly hard. Please contact Al-Anon, SMART Family&Friends and also your local council because they may know about local support groups you could contact. The feeling that you're the only one in your situation is what makes it all so hard, and you aren't. There are so many of us out there.

Meanwhile, do start thinking about what changes you want and need to see. Having an addict for a parent has an adverse impact on children and you should put them and yourself first now over your husband.

SofiaSoFar · 06/02/2023 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yes they do/would.

If OP's husband was there with them he would have no doubt have been asked if he wanted them to tell OP what's going on.

KnottyKnitting · 06/02/2023 09:16

My brother in law crashed while drunk and was more than twice over the limit. He lost his license for three years

RemoteControlDoobry · 06/02/2023 09:16

I never get why, just because that lamp post wasn’t a child, the charge is far less when actually the person has committed exactly the same offence.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 06/02/2023 09:16

@User137290646 - well my ex didn't hit the house but does the fence he hit count? They tried to claim for that too. The only reason they didn't go to court was because my arse of an ex had already caused us to lose everything we jointly owned. They did try to chase with threatening legal letters for many years.

YukoandHiro · 06/02/2023 09:21

OP I don't think you will be responsible for the fine, just like you're not responsible for his taxes. Obvs if you have money in a joint account that can be considered his even if you were the source of that income.
Separate your finances and make him pay the damn fine.
If you don't see immediate action on his addiction you'd be wise to ask him to leave. What if one of your children had been in the car?

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 06/02/2023 09:23

He will need to be under the drink drive limit before they will release him.

Dibbydoos · 06/02/2023 09:27

I think loads of people have answered your question, OP.

The real question though is why he drinks. Unlike other judgemental posts on here, I'd strongky suggest you don't get mad about this cos he needs help.

Finding out about why he drinks and getting the right help might prevent recurrence.

Sending a hug, sh1t happens, it's how it's dealt with that counts xxx

bellabasset · 06/02/2023 09:31

I hope you got some sleep last night. The positive is that no one was hurt. You've obviously taken on the financial responsibility for your family but the fine isn't yours it's your dh's. I hope he will realise that he needs to start by controlling his drinking. Depression can be worse if you drink so your dh going to AA and stopping drinking could be a massive improvement for your family.

So it's up to him to look at how he can pay any fine, it needs to inconvenience him not the family. He has to step up.

Shade17 · 06/02/2023 09:32

hellobethyname · 05/02/2023 23:19

He will get a fine . A ban and points .
I work in this legal field .

Show quote history

It’ll be a ban and a fine, no points.

pointythings · 06/02/2023 09:32

@Dibbydoos you're right, but the onus is on him to do all of this, not the OP.

She didn't cause it, she can't cure it, she can't control it.
And she absolutely is allowed to get mad about it. The only person responsible for managing and overcoming their addiction is the person who is addicted.

FriedEggChocolate · 06/02/2023 09:35

No experience of this sort of offence, thank goodness, but I do have experience of being a DC around an adult who drinks like this. Put him aside for now, he'll raise his head when he's sobered up, and concentrate on you and your DC. Unintentionally, your DC are seeing that this level of drinking is how adults / men / fathers behave around them. Think whether that's the model you want them to have.

Can you manage on your own for now, or move in with family? I'd seriously look at saying to him that he's not welcome back into your family unit until he's sober and has paid the fine and learned whatever lessons he needs to. The DC will be there for him, but he needs to be there for them, and right now he's not. PUt your phone away, get a piece of paper and jot out what your options are for you and your DC.

Kennykenkencat · 06/02/2023 09:37

user1471427614 · 05/02/2023 23:39

He only works two shifts. Has no savings. Spends the weekly wage.

I dont have it as I pay all the Bill's. I'm sure something will be sorted. They cant take it if it not there but i will ensure it does get paid

Show quote history

Why would you even consider doing this.

You are not married, he isn’t your child, unless at some point he has to take responsibility for his actions he will never learn.

Why are you keeping him around. He brings no positives to you or his childrens lives and the whole dynamic is modelling for the dc some very iffy behaviour

PinkyFlamingo · 06/02/2023 09:38

You say you need to help him because you have children, thats exactly why you need to step away, he needs to want to help himself first.

Kennykenkencat · 06/02/2023 09:40

I think you need to stop treating him as another child and put him in the role of a adult and father

Bunniesue · 06/02/2023 09:42

Stop enabling him. If he receives a fine it is up to him to pay it, if he loses his license and loses his job its up to him to find another. Personally having lived with an addict previously I wouldn't waste another second on this man, I definitely wouldn't be bending and breaking to clean up his mess. He is bloody lucky that he didn't kill someone else.

Justmeandthedog1 · 06/02/2023 09:43

More than twice over the limit— he’d consumed a lot of alcohol and was going to work.
He’ll lose his licence, 12 months minimum.
His car insurance was invalidated.
Any future car insurance will be thousands per year instead of hundreds, if indeed he can get insurance. If he’s tempted to lie any insurance will be invalid.

He hit a lamp post. Thank God for that. It could have been a person, or another car. He could have killed someone.
Do not trust him with the safety of your own children until he has addressed his drinking problem.
And be glad he’s not on a causing death by drunk driving— that would be a prison sentence.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/02/2023 09:44

I'm struggling to understand why you think you will be responsible for the fine for his drink driving?!

I expect OP meant that someone's got to pay the fine, and if losing his licence costs DH his job that it might fall to her?

The thing that stands out for me is that, if she didn't know he'd had a lot before driving, it's almost certainly not the only time he's done it - although it's the first time in recent years he's been caught
The same applies to any ban; it's one thing imposing it and quite another to stop the offender actually driving, especially with what this will do to insurance costs

It's a horrible position to be in and I feel for you, OP, but sadly I wouldn't be making assumptions about him stopping

weightymatters73 · 06/02/2023 09:55

The first bit is easy - crashing a car while over the limit is terrible, irresponsible and stupid.

The second not so easy - He's a serious alcoholic, he's hiding his drinking and drinking at all hours of the day. He's double (?) the limit before going to work! That's a huge drinking problem.

He will NOT find it easy to stop, and will need serious help/intervention/rehab. Many won't even manage to stop after something like this happens. Telling him he needs to stop won't work, he'll promise the earth to you after a night in a police cell, but will not be able to sustain it.

I had a friend in the same situation, she only found out when one of the kids, who were quite small, told her that "daddy is drinking little bottles in the car and won't give me some" (He was "popping to the shops" with the kids and downing miniatures to feed his habit)

Definitely look at Al-anon, it will be useful for you in helping you to reframe.

MILLYmo0se · 06/02/2023 09:56

What stands out for me is the amount of alcohol he consumed BEFORE going to work and you didnt know OP. So was he elsewhere drinking before work or is he secretly drinking throughout the day at home? Every day?
I understand you being in practical mode and focusing on what will happen and how you will manage, but i think this is a big wake up call for you as much as him. He is drinking knowing he has to get in his car, knowing he has to hide it from you, knowing he is going to work..... He has (and is!) a very big problem, and you cant make the choices and decisions that will change his problem, you can only make the choices for yourself. What needs to happen now to make you stay in this relationship - bear in mind you could very easily have a husband under arrest for killing a pedestrian right now, will HE really make changes?