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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H arrested for crashing car..over the limit. What happens

264 replies

user1471427614 · 05/02/2023 22:53

Husband has just phoned on his way to work to tell me hes crashed his car into a lamp post. He says police are there..hes ok..no one else involved. I tell him ilk phone work and let them know. In the time it takes to do that hes been breathised and blow 81 and has been arrested. I only know as the policeman answered the phone.

Husband has a problem with drink but only works two nights. I didnt know he was drinking while driving. He lost his licence for this when he was 17.

I've never been involved with the police. Does anyone know what might happen. They have taken him to the custody suite. When do they get realised is it mornings or could it be in the night. Does anyone know what might happen ie chargers. Points. Prison??? I've got no idea

We have 4 kids at home. He does the school run (walks). I'm guessing that I will have to do that tomorrow (at least and go to work late.

I'm sure your agree that I'm not be unreasonable to tell him that any drinking stops now.

Any advice or handheold would be appreciated I'm shaking and dont know what to do

OP posts:
kateandme · 06/02/2023 07:17

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/02/2023 04:55

I imagine that’s for people, who want to stop. And op shouldn’t be guilted into standing by her man.

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No but neither just told to leave him.hes ill. Like it or not. And you can recover.

kateandme · 06/02/2023 07:19

Shakeyourtailfeather · 06/02/2023 05:15

So you're saying she should be there no matter what.........oh stop. There comes a point where you need to let go and save yourself and your kids. He will change if he wants to. She can't control that fact

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At what point did I say any of what you wrote!

QueefQueen80s · 06/02/2023 07:20

I hope he never drives again.
I saw a woman swaying from lane to lane yesterday, so dangerous.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 06/02/2023 07:23

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 05/02/2023 23:13

Previous offence will have been expunged long ago then.

He won't have a 'criminal' record, but it is an offence that is required to be disclosed to some employers, and it's best he comes clean straight away with his current. It has absolutely no impact on most jobs.

He will be discharged from custody and given a court date, which is pretty much a perfunctory exercise. Plead guilty, take the standard ban, fine usually varies dependant on circumstances, previous, remorse, mitigating/aggravating factors etc

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He will have a criminal record for drink driving. It’s not like other driving offences, and it never “drops off” your record in the way that speeding points etc do

namechangeforthisbleep · 06/02/2023 07:24

This reply has been deleted

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lalaloopyhead · 06/02/2023 07:24

I really feel for you OP. I was in similar position 15 years ago with my DH. Things may have changed but he got a 2 year ban and community service, he didn't get a fine (or not a significant one) as I was on maternity leave at the time and he lost his job - there was absolutely no question of him keeping his license to be able to work and I think that was because he had a high reading like your DH.
The emotional side is another matter, i was of course raging - how could he put is in that position, what if he had killed someone! Have a long hard think about if this is what you want for your future. I stayed with DH but it has caused a lot of issues over the years and it is only now that he has got hold of his drinking issues. I feel like I have spent many years wondering if he has been drinking today.
The alcohol is something only he can address and, which is not an easy thing.
I hope things work out for you.

ShakespearesBlister · 06/02/2023 07:25

You need to stop enabling him. You are NOT responsible for his fine. You let him pay it and if he can't, tough. If you take responsibility for paying it he isn't going to learn from his own mistakes. It's not your fine to pay.

LakieLady · 06/02/2023 07:27

Godlovesall26 · 06/02/2023 00:06

It’s just my opinion but I found those courses useless (they tended to be the ones available to the parents of my kids in care I worked with)

It doesn’t solve the problem - at all

Really interested in cost of rehab here. : are there NHS ones ? or just private ?

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My ex-sil opted to do the course because it reduced the length of her ban from 2 years to 18 months.

In her case, it was very useful.

MavisFlump · 06/02/2023 07:27

ShakespearesBlister · 06/02/2023 07:25

You need to stop enabling him. You are NOT responsible for his fine. You let him pay it and if he can't, tough. If you take responsibility for paying it he isn't going to learn from his own mistakes. It's not your fine to pay.

This ^^
He’s contributing nothing to your life , it sounds like he’s drinking what money he earns and he’s an appalling example of a parent to your children.
Personally I would tell him to leave.

User137290646 · 06/02/2023 07:34

It sounds similar to Ant Mcpartlin when he crashed into cars drunk driving, he got a ban and fine, fine is worked out on what you earn, it sounds like your DH's earnings are low.

Sally090807 · 06/02/2023 07:35

hellobethyname · 05/02/2023 23:09

Courts always ban for opl . (Over prescribed limit ) points and fine .

I’m not sure that’s true, I know of someone who was massively over the limit and didn’t get a ban because she said she needed the car due to her disabilities.

LakieLady · 06/02/2023 07:36

Godlovesall26 · 06/02/2023 00:13

OP is there NHS inpatient rehab programs ? Or only horrendously expensive private ones ?

My home country I find unfair regarding this, never mind the details unless you want to look at my previous posts

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There are, but in the area I live in, there's a really long wait for places. A client of mine was waiting for a place for well over a year, although it may be shorter elsewhere. And she had to spend 2 weeks doing detox in hospital before she went.

After leaving rehab, she stopped at a shop on the way to the station, bought a half-bottle of vodka, and was pissed again before she even got on the train.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 06/02/2023 07:39

I'm sorry to read your troubles. In similar circs it was the last straw for a close mate of mind. When he stopped bringing in even a minimal wage, she suddenly realised that she was better doing it on her own.
But I wish you strength in dealing with the next few days.

PrincessConstance · 06/02/2023 07:46

He'll be banned and fined.

Sunriseinwonderland · 06/02/2023 07:49

He needs an ultimatum. Go to AA or lose your family. No discussion.
A drunk driver downed an electricity pole in my street in December.
It destroyed the roof of one house and none of us had any electricity for days in freezing weather.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/02/2023 07:51

QueefQueen80s · 06/02/2023 07:20

I hope he never drives again.
I saw a woman swaying from lane to lane yesterday, so dangerous.

In fast moving traffic on m6 at 4pm a driver in front of me lost control and weaved across 2 lanes and back again all at over 70 mph...

She hit 4 cars.... I stopped, as a witness, the young woman was paralytic-swaying having problems standing.....

I an abkther witness rang for police /ambulance.

She could have easily killed seversl people. There were alos multipl small children in tje cars she hit. It must have been terrifying as one car was spun around on impact - tjat motorway has loads of HGVs too...

Offensiveapprently · 06/02/2023 07:52

So sorry OP for impact this will have on your family life.

LoekMa · 06/02/2023 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hit dog hollering? You engage in drink driving as well?

Yeah OP claims she didn't know. Other posters can respectfully call that into question.

Alcoholics reek of alcohol. Soo unless you're getting shitfaced with the drunk on the regular.. how on earth do you NOT notice this?

Clymene · 06/02/2023 07:57

You don't have to help him at all OP.

namechangeforthisbleep · 06/02/2023 07:57

@LoekMa oh yes silly me it's obvs her fault.

gogohmm · 06/02/2023 08:00

So sorry op. You don't deserve this. I think you need to give him an ultimatum, give up alcohol or leave - this has to be the final straw for your kids sake, he was not only driving over the limit but he was actually going to work like it. (Drink driving is always wrong but being caught on your way home from event is the norm not going to work. Still wrong though)

Onedayatatime22 · 06/02/2023 08:02

This is clearly on ongoing problem that won't go away on its own.

I speak from experience and don't want to project. But in your shoes I would be considering what I see as acceptable as a part of my children's lives.

I left. It took a while but my children's father is now sober and they have a very positive relationship with him.

Good luck - it's painful and tough, but there is life ahead however you choose to lead it.

Greatly · 06/02/2023 08:07

A relation of mine was drinking a pint of wine in the morning then driving her kids to school for about 4 years. We know this as she confessed after giving up drinking once her liver failed. It's very sad and scary OP. He needs to engage with rehab and give up drinking completely- he can do this at home.

QuertyGirl · 06/02/2023 08:07

Let him go.

He's already chosen the bottle over being responsible for his family

Greatly · 06/02/2023 08:08

LoekMa · 06/02/2023 07:54

Hit dog hollering? You engage in drink driving as well?

Yeah OP claims she didn't know. Other posters can respectfully call that into question.

Alcoholics reek of alcohol. Soo unless you're getting shitfaced with the drunk on the regular.. how on earth do you NOT notice this?

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No they don't necessarily reek of alcohol. You don't know what you are talking about.