H arrested for crashing car..over the limit. What happens

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Husband has just phoned on his way to work to tell me hes crashed his car into a lamp post. He says police are there..hes ok..no one else involved. I tell him ilk phone work and let them know. In the time it takes to do that hes been breathised and blow 81 and has been arrested. I only know as the policeman answered the phone.

Husband has a problem with drink but only works two nights. I didnt know he was drinking while driving. He lost his licence for this when he was 17.

I've never been involved with the police. Does anyone know what might happen. They have taken him to the custody suite. When do they get realised is it mornings or could it be in the night. Does anyone know what might happen ie chargers. Points. Prison??? I've got no idea

We have 4 kids at home. He does the school run (walks). I'm guessing that I will have to do that tomorrow (at least and go to work late.

I'm sure your agree that I'm not be unreasonable to tell him that any drinking stops now.

Any advice or handheold would be appreciated I'm shaking and dont know what to do

Why would you stay with someone who thinks it's okay to drink drive? What if he killed someone through his own selfish stupidity? All it takes is for that one person to walk into the road at the wrong time, or for him to loose control of the car.

He sounds extremely selfish, spending all his wages, not paying bills, drinking, etc. he won't go to prison but what happens next time he does it?
You need to come down on him HARD.

In court he may be offered a drink-drive course (for a fee) which reduces the length of the ban. If he is deemed a high risk offender he will need to pass a medical at the end of his ban before DVLA will return his licence.

Insurance will not cover the damages due to him being over the limit. Actually, they might pay for the lamp post (which will probably cost a fortune) and then they will reclaim the costs off your DH, if you have joint assets like a house, then I'd start being very concerned. But the car definitely won't be covered. Wherever the car has been to towed to will charge you for the towing and storage of your car so don't just leave it there.

Re the insurance company, I know this for a fact as that's what happened with my ex. They paid out for damages to the cars he hit and then chased him for the money.

I hope you managed to get some sleep OP. It’s an awful situation to be in.

I think this morning you need to take some time to think about what YOU want.

What does he need to change for you to enjoy the marriage again? This is his rock bottom but your chance to say what you need to. Personally I would say quitting alcohol altogether as a minimum, attending support sessions, and a reasonable deadline to get a more substantial job would be the obvious points.

Whilst it’s true that only the drinker can make the decision to change, it’s also true that they would benefit from support with that. There are people who get lost in drink and become much better people/spouses when they quit.

There are of course also others who are too self absorbed to realise the impact and who then drink even more and become even worse when they’re eventually left to it (my mother being one).

If it was me personally I’d give him one chance to quit and turn his life around, but if it isn’t the wake up call he clearly needs to fix his life then you have to consider whether you really want to be a part of that anymore.

I'm so sorry OP. He sounds like an alcoholic. Having lived with my alcoholic ex for 9 years, I'm afraid that just telling him to stop drinking won't work. There's nothing you can do. You need to decide whether to stay or leave. For the sake of the kids, I'd think it's better to leave.

This happened to me ex. He was held overnight at the police station and banned from driving for a year. Same for a friend’s Dad: year ban. Not sure if it will be different for second offence.

Sorry this is happening to you and your family OP. I have alcohol use disorder and am in a recovery programme. I didn’t drive when I was drinking but the odds are I’ve been over the limit doing “next day” driving but never had an accident/not been caught.

a few things to consider in addition to what PP have said (losing license, job, insurance premiums etc).

to get his licence back, he will need to get a blood test from the DVLA (cdt) which is designed to show a person has been completely alcohol free for a period of time). Very sensitive and specific for alcohol and very difficult to “trick it”.

so if he wants his license back at the end of his ban, he will need to have at least a period of complete abstinence.

on the flip side, if he loses his job and his license, he may hit the fuck it button and drink even more as he doesn’t need to not drink for anything as he can still walk the kids to school, if that makes sense.

I’m very lucky I’m still in the family home - I think if I’d been the man in the relationship, I’d probably have been chucked out.

but he is an addict and even if this does serve as a wake up call, it’s going to be a really difficult road ahead for you.

if he doesn’t throw everything he can at getting help and stopping, or tries to minimise in any way, I think you need to seriously consider asking him to leave. If he guilt trips you (i will drink more if I’m on my own etc) then he is showing you he doesn’t want to get better. I have huge empathy for your situation but the next few weeks will be crucial. Good luck 💐

OP's DH hit a lamppost not cars, read the OP

I ensure you they did answer the phone. Still no word from him yet.

Thanks for the helpful advice given

Maybe give an example of people losing houses because of hitting lampposts.

However hard it is, I wouldn't let him take my kids out of the house, until I KNEW he was sober, not hoped he was.

Hello Op, I hope you got some sleep to help you face today. What an awful situation to be in.

I can see you want to support your partner, which will be tricky whilst you are understandably angry. I think taking today an hour at a time today will buseful.

Hopefully your partner has had a very big shock. For most law abiding people, this situation would be shocking. I get that his own behaviour has led him to this, and I don't think we need to repeat all the risks involved. However at times of crisis, there can also be change. Talk to your husband. If he recognises the problem and is willing to change, then come up with a plan together. It sounds like he might need extra support from medical professionals/ Aa. This will involve you putting your anger aside, which will be hard.

Since you want to work through things, I presume he has some good qualities too. Good luck Op, let us know how you get on...

Yes, this is not the kind of ridiculous conjecture the OP needs right now.

You say you have to try and help him.
You don’t.
You can’t “help” someone who doesn’t really and truly want to stop. He’s been drinking like this for years. I bet he’s been driving over the limit for years. He’s just been caught now.
You can’t cure him or control his drinking. You can only protect you and your kids. He’s had his chances.

OP, if you are reading this is a good outcome. He didn't hurt anyone and yet it could be the beginning of facing up to and seeking help with his drinking.

I wish this had happened to my relative, tbh.

Be prepared for him to try and lie his way out of it as this is what addicts do.

What do you want from life? Sounds like a passenger. Now you'll have to drive him and the kids everywhere, you wont trust him bot to drink and care for the kids alone and overall your life just got 10x harder whether you stay or leave. He probably wont change from this incident but will indulge in a few weeks pity party.

Your kids, anyones kids, could have been under the wheels of hat car, that's the reality. it's notabout what he will get charged with. the seriousness of the offence is terrifying.

Not sure what's going to happen but either way I have to try and help him as we do have kids

Op: At the moment how is his presence in the household of benefit to the kids? Ok, he does the school run. But his lack of income, his drinking away his small income, his role model as a drinker, his drain on your income through fines, his future income now seriously compromised due to criminal record…how does all this benefit your ability to provide for your kids? He can remain a loving Dad from a distance.

If he realises all this and is truly remorseful and takes meaningful action to sort himself out , well, maybe.

But don’t be the one who shoulders yet more responsibility while he does sweet FA. In that scenario you and the kids will be better off with him at a distance.

Some of these posts are so unhelpful.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you OP. It must be horrible. And those who seem to be victim blaming because you didn't smell the booze on him have obviously never lived with an alcoholic. Any person with addiction becomes adept at deception and lying. This is NOT your fault at all.

I think you need to look at your initial reaction to this- You went straight to worrying about how you were going to pay his fine. It's his fine, not yours. He is NOT your responsibility. You're probably used to fixing everything for everyone, out of kindness and love, but maybe you should take a step back and consider whether, in this instance, it makes sense.

If it was me, I think a lot would depend on his attitude when he's released. If he's horrified with himself and begging for AA, I'd consider supporting him through that. But he may well feel sorry for himself and feel hard done by, and if that's the case, I'd have to recognise that this is not rock bottom for him, and it's going to get a lot worse. In that instance, I'd leave.

My sister in law was in court for drink driving last year. She crashed in to another parked car at night and then fled the scene of the crime. She was given a ban and a fine (can't remember how much maybe 1000 but I do remember thinking it wasn't much and was allowed to pay it up) as she pled guilty. She has also lost her license before. I'm sorry you are going through this, I personally don't believe either of them should get their license back ever after the second time but I know that would affect you and your children but thankfully no one was hurt in either crash.

OP, this may sound counter intuitive, but the best thing for your husband is if you stop carrying him, let go and let him fall and find his “rock bottom”. He will have absolutely no incentive to change until he does. You have to consider what your life will be like from now on. As a PP said, now his “secret” is in the open he may well hit the “fuck it” button and up his drinking dramatically. Looking after him, paying his fine, letting him drink and still live at home and look after the kids - all of these things will grind you down and wreck the mental health of both you and the kids.

It’s hard, I know. Very hard to see a person you love destroy themselves. Thankfully in my case my loved one hit their rock bottom a lot sooner than I anticipated, took the help on offer and is rebuilding their life. Please do reach out to family support groups such as AlAnon - your husband is not the first and won’t be the last alcoholic, and there are plenty of others who have been in your shoes who can give proper support to you and your children.

Having just read all your comments now. Why does he only work 2 shifts a week and spend it all and not contribute, why are you paying for everything? Honestly, in your position I'd be considering throwing him out till he gets his finger out and isn't a total hindrance on you. Why didn't he call you using his one call ? He will know you have been worrying if you spoke to a policeman on his phone. He may be going straight to court this morning.

Start to look at the bigger picture here and use this as the catalyst to better your life and forget about whats best for him but what's best for you, your finances and life and your children. An alcoholic father, who doesn't pull his weight and causes their mother stress and worry isn't what they need.

When this happened to my ex-husband, he was breathalysed and they did whatever other checks they had to do. He was then charged with drink driving. A week or so later he was in the magistrates court and got a £450 fine and a 20 month driving ban (it was his second offence) Th first time it was £150 and 12 month ban.

Still didn’t stop him driving though and I occasionally wonder how many banned driver are on the roads. Loads probably as most don’t take it seriously.

Your husband should be very ashamed of himself.