Page 4 | H arrested for crashing car..over the limit. What happens

user1471427614 · 2023-02-05T22:53:16+00:00

Husband has just phoned on his way to work to tell me hes crashed his car into a lamp post. He says police are there..hes ok..no one else involved. I tell him ilk phone work and let them know. In the time it takes to do that hes been breathised and blow 81 and has been arrested. I only know as the policeman answered the phone. Husband has a problem with drink but only works two nights. I didnt know he was drinking while driving. He lost his licence for this when he was 17. I've never been involved with the police. Does anyone know what might happen. They have taken him to the custody suite. When do they get realised is it mornings or could it be in the night. Does anyone know what might happen ie chargers. Points. Prison??? I've got no idea We have 4 kids at home. He does the school run (walks). I'm guessing that I will have to do that tomorrow (at least and go to work late. I'm sure your agree that I'm not be unreasonable to tell him that any drinking stops now. Any advice or handheold would be appreciated I'm shaking and dont know what to do

Mydogatemypurse · 05/02/2023 23:51

FlappyFish · 05/02/2023 23:39

It was and I’m speaking from experience. Hence why I said I don’t know on payment plan as I didn’t enquire and wanted it over. And yes, I have been sober since that incident.

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Im speaking as someone who is responsible for this and its how I earn a living.
You get up to 30 days to either pay in full or make the first payment of the payment plan that was agreed in court. They will discuss with you how likely this is. You will be asked to fill in an income/expenditure form prior to being sentenced and your solictor will argue if this should be less etc if there is a reason. I doubt he will get a fine, just court costs. Either pay them in full within 14/30 days whatever is agreed or make first payment. Court costs can't be anymore than the amount set for everyone.
A fine is a punishment, if he gets unpaid work which hes more likely to as higher end of sentencing guidelines then the unpaid work is the punishment so fine isnt required, just costs. You can get a payment card that you use at paypoints like how people pay TV licence etc in a local shop.

Arrrrrrragghhh · 05/02/2023 23:51

A reading of 80 is high and it’s late in the evening. When you say you’d not realised he had a drink is that because he’s drinking in secret or that you weren’t around him to see him have a drink.
Given the legal limit allows for a bit of alcohol in England (unlike Scotland ), I think you might have a proper issue here. I am sorry you are having this crap. Don’t enable him though. Rock bottom can be a good place sometimes.

Original poster

user1471427614 · 05/02/2023 23:52

FlappyFish · 05/02/2023 23:48

OP. I have been in your husband’s position. Tomorrow when he gets home I suspect he will be full of shame and remorse.

It is what you do from here and what he chooses to do. I was banned 14 months. My insurance when I drove again was nearly three times.

However, that incident was also the catalyst that changed my life. I committed properly to AA. I went to rehab.

The court date does come quickly. Mine was delayed by my inpatient stay. (I say rehab. It was psych hospital inpatient for 7 weeks).

What you will need is action from him and not words. Please be kind to yourself tonight. I can’t imagine what it is like to be on the other side of it.

Thanks. I hope it is the catalyst needed. As others have said I need to see action now. I'm happy to support him if he takes action to get better.

I totally understand the negative comments regarding his actions and agree but as a pp said I havent done this. I'm just trying to make sense of it.

I'm going to try and get some sleep as it looks like I have a big day to deal with tomorrow

OP posts:

Mydogatemypurse · 05/02/2023 23:53

user1471427614 · 05/02/2023 23:39

He only works two shifts. Has no savings. Spends the weekly wage.

I dont have it as I pay all the Bill's. I'm sure something will be sorted. They cant take it if it not there but i will ensure it does get paid

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I feel awful for you. Hes bringing you down so much. Get through this and really think about this relationship and the impact his behaviour has on you. Its really not fair.

Teenagehorrorbag · 05/02/2023 23:53

user1471427614 · 05/02/2023 23:39

He only works two shifts. Has no savings. Spends the weekly wage.

I dont have it as I pay all the Bill's. I'm sure something will be sorted. They cant take it if it not there but i will ensure it does get paid

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Goodness, is that because of his drink problem, or his depression? Either way you have a lot on your plate! Have I misunderstood or was he drinking in the day and then driving for an evening shift? Was that before you came home from work? Seems a worrying pattern of drinking and no wonder you didn't suspect anything.

I hope he will see this as a wake up call to get help - and to save his marriage. A couple of decades ago I had an idiot BF who lost his licence for drink driving. Before he could get it back he had to have blood tests to show he no longer drank to excess (he wasn't an alcoholic, just a stupid binge drinker one night) - I don't know if that is still the case but if it is your DH will need to sort himself out or he will never drive again.

BigChesterDraws · 05/02/2023 23:54

I wouldn’t even have married him, let alone had children with him if he’s done this before. Even if he was only 17. Was he drinking at home before work? Were you there? Or did he stop at a pub on the way to work? And if that’s the case did you not think it odd he left home so early? He could have killed himself and others. By the Grace of the gods, he didn’t. But he needs to be stopped from driving forever. I couldn’t stay with someone who thinks this is acceptable behaviour. And I certainly couldn’t have him anywhere near my children.

Usernameisunavailable · 05/02/2023 23:55

None of this is your fault, he’s the idiot here. Automatic ban, minimum 12 months, likely to be more (18 months plus) as it’s a second offence and he’s actually had an accident. If he’s several times over the limit it could be longer still. limit. A fine is likely although he could get other additional measures depending on the severity of the office. Yes, he’ll have a criminal record, so if/when he loses his job, it will be harder to get another. The fine should normally be able to be paid in instalments.

Godlovesall26 · 05/02/2023 23:55

Can he propose or can the court make rehab mandatory ?

Im not saying it at all in a reduced sentence spirit, I mean in a forcing him to do it spirit.

Although I have no idea how much that costs in Britain, I’ recently from a European and (believe or not) they can get better deals. I’ve been hospitalized once (when I was bipolar 2), it was great for the ones who really wanted it but they were the minority. Still jaded about it tbh, I work with children in care, and their parents don’t get the fancy rehabs (complicated system, basically you have to be in work a minimum)

Does anyone know how much rehab costs in England ?

Godlovesall26 · 05/02/2023 23:58

BigChesterDraws · 05/02/2023 23:54

I wouldn’t even have married him, let alone had children with him if he’s done this before. Even if he was only 17. Was he drinking at home before work? Were you there? Or did he stop at a pub on the way to work? And if that’s the case did you not think it odd he left home so early? He could have killed himself and others. By the Grace of the gods, he didn’t. But he needs to be stopped from driving forever. I couldn’t stay with someone who thinks this is acceptable behaviour. And I certainly couldn’t have him anywhere near my children.

The question is has it been ongoing since 17. 17yo make mistakes (mainly not fully realising how drunk they actually are)

Lets not judge OP who is already in an awful position, I doubt she would have jumped into his arms and has kids if it was ongoing at the time

Fraaahnces · 05/02/2023 23:58

I think that you need to make a permanent commitment to 100% sobriety a condition of your marriage. Whether that means rehab or AA, or both. He’s going to need help and so are you.

ErinAndTonic · 05/02/2023 23:58

BigChesterDraws · 05/02/2023 23:54

I wouldn’t even have married him, let alone had children with him if he’s done this before. Even if he was only 17. Was he drinking at home before work? Were you there? Or did he stop at a pub on the way to work? And if that’s the case did you not think it odd he left home so early? He could have killed himself and others. By the Grace of the gods, he didn’t. But he needs to be stopped from driving forever. I couldn’t stay with someone who thinks this is acceptable behaviour. And I certainly couldn’t have him anywhere near my children.

This comment is unfair. The OP is not at fault here. I'm sorry but something somebody did as a teenager has no bearing on their lives if they haven't done it for 20+ years. Get off your high horse.

Godlovesall26 · 06/02/2023 00:00

ErinAndTonic · 05/02/2023 23:58

This comment is unfair. The OP is not at fault here. I'm sorry but something somebody did as a teenager has no bearing on their lives if they haven't done it for 20+ years. Get off your high horse.

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Agreed. The biggest issue with teens is not fully knowing their limits when experimenting (although it’s not an excuse to drive), but there’s a reason young offenders get a chance

Godlovesall26 · 06/02/2023 00:03

Godlovesall26 · 05/02/2023 23:55

Can he propose or can the court make rehab mandatory ?

Im not saying it at all in a reduced sentence spirit, I mean in a forcing him to do it spirit.

Although I have no idea how much that costs in Britain, I’ recently from a European and (believe or not) they can get better deals. I’ve been hospitalized once (when I was bipolar 2), it was great for the ones who really wanted it but they were the minority. Still jaded about it tbh, I work with children in care, and their parents don’t get the fancy rehabs (complicated system, basically you have to be in work a minimum)

Does anyone know how much rehab costs in England ?

Sorry I meant I’ve been once bc I had a breakdown and was diagnosed bipolar 2 (the depression one, no mania), so my experience isn’t huge, but I couldn’t help but resent it (I had to pay…)

ilovesooty · 06/02/2023 00:03

Would he agree to seek help and support from local alcohol services? You don't need to be referred by a GP although they will inform his GP that he is in treatment. The court might well impose an alcohol order as part of his sentence anyway and he will have to take part in 1:1 and group interventions and attend for regular testing appointments. Probation officers are informed of any non attendance.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I'm not going to tell you that you should leave him or, even worse, say that you shouldn't have married him in the first place. Whether you can get through this has to be your decision.

Good luck.

Emmamoo89 · 06/02/2023 00:04

Cas112 · 05/02/2023 23:20

He will get banned for about. Year maybe 18months and have to take a drink driving course

You don't always have to take a drink driving course. I know someone who didn't have to

WishIdDoneItYearsAgo · 06/02/2023 00:04

I do hope he loses his job and goes to prison for it. He’s very lucky he’s only facing that and not the knowledge that he’s killed someone’s innocently going about their business.

TheFairyCaravan · 06/02/2023 00:06

I’m sorry for you @user1471427614 addicts are clever, cunning and devious. None of this is your fault. I too would be utterly fuming. He’s very lucky he didn’t kill himself or anyone else.

If you decide to stay with him then i’d say he needs to sort out his drinking and stick to it. He can, also, find a job closer to home on a bus route or one he can cycle too. It’s him who is going to have to change, not you.

One step at a time.

Godlovesall26 · 06/02/2023 00:06

Emmamoo89 · 06/02/2023 00:04

You don't always have to take a drink driving course. I know someone who didn't have to

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It’s just my opinion but I found those courses useless (they tended to be the ones available to the parents of my kids in care I worked with)

It doesn’t solve the problem - at all

Really interested in cost of rehab here. : are there NHS ones ? or just private ?

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 06/02/2023 00:07

He brings nothing to the table does he? Except stress and misery.

Why on earth does he only work two shifts a week? Why doesn’t he contribute anything to the family pot and gets to spend his money on himself?

He’s a disgrace. I personally wouldn’t want him back in the family home. He can leave and consider this rock bottom. No one will make a drinker stop drinking unless they want to. It’s for him to do. You will wind up trying to support him and do everything, you will absorb 100 per cent of the heartache and you will have none of the control. It’s a fool’s errand trying to stop him.

Dery · 06/02/2023 00:08

I don’t think you’re liable for his fine just because you’re married, though, OP. What makes you think that? It wouldn’t even cross my mind that I was liable if my DH got a driving fine.

DomesticShortHair · 06/02/2023 00:08

ErinAndTonic · 05/02/2023 23:58

This comment is unfair. The OP is not at fault here. I'm sorry but something somebody did as a teenager has no bearing on their lives if they haven't done it for 20+ years. Get off your high horse.

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Unless there is huge sub-plot that I’ve missed, what you’re saying is that you’d have turned him down if he’d ever asked you to marry him, which he hasn’t.

I’m exactly the same. I’d turn down loads of people asking to marry me who I haven’t met, too.

Original poster

user1471427614 · 06/02/2023 00:10

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 06/02/2023 00:07

He brings nothing to the table does he? Except stress and misery.

Why on earth does he only work two shifts a week? Why doesn’t he contribute anything to the family pot and gets to spend his money on himself?

He’s a disgrace. I personally wouldn’t want him back in the family home. He can leave and consider this rock bottom. No one will make a drinker stop drinking unless they want to. It’s for him to do. You will wind up trying to support him and do everything, you will absorb 100 per cent of the heartache and you will have none of the control. It’s a fool’s errand trying to stop him.

Unfortunately I think you are correct with your last paragraph. I already do everything.

Not sure what's going to happen but either way I have to try and help him as we do have kids

OP posts:

Godlovesall26 · 06/02/2023 00:10

DomesticShortHair · 06/02/2023 00:08

Unless there is huge sub-plot that I’ve missed, what you’re saying is that you’d have turned him down if he’d ever asked you to marry him, which he hasn’t.

I’m exactly the same. I’d turn down loads of people asking to marry me who I haven’t met, too.

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I think it meant most people don’t judge what people did as teenagers.

And her husband may well have been sober at the time of marriage and gotten into it after

He may not even have mentioned it

Godlovesall26 · 06/02/2023 00:13

user1471427614 · 06/02/2023 00:10

Unfortunately I think you are correct with your last paragraph. I already do everything.

Not sure what's going to happen but either way I have to try and help him as we do have kids

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OP is there NHS inpatient rehab programs ? Or only horrendously expensive private ones ?

My home country I find unfair regarding this, never mind the details unless you want to look at my previous posts

ThreeLittleDots · 06/02/2023 00:15

either way I have to try and help him as we do have kids

No, I'm afraid you'll learn when you get support for this (as a family member of an alcoholic), that you can't change or control his behaviour.

It's 100% down to him.