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Original poster

Upset my NCT group

298 replies

Wellybobs0 · 05/02/2023 17:38

Name change so outing and I know they occasionally come on here

group of 6 mums on a group chat, we all did nct together but only a few have continued to meet up due to work commitments etc. Our toddlers are now 17 months, and my little girl has only been walking since 15 months. I posted on the what’s app if anyone else’s child is struggling to walk in wellies as it’s so muddy but she just falls over.

A few replied. A few days later one of them messaged to say they think I’d been insensitive considering one of the children in the group had recently been a paediatrician due to delayed milestones (not walking at 17 months and not cruising apparently)

Apparently the mum is really upset with me for being insensitive. I didn’t even know!

AIBU to think this is so silly and petty? We only chat on their now and again about random things really, we never share personal info

OP posts:
HedgeWitchy · 06/02/2023 11:53

Are you completely sure she is offended, and people aren’t speaking for her.

One of mine is developmentally delayed. I’ve never worried about talking about it. She’s beautiful and perfect and like a little dolly to love and cherish, the sweetest child and so kind. There’s so much to love in her, and to me she’s just right and always has been. I didn’t feel ashamed she wasn’t walking at 2. She has her own strengths that make her wonderful. I’d rather parent her frankly than many other children…

Some people were pretentious knobs about it, policing what others said and protecting my feelings. They just projected their views onto to me. They thought it was a badge of shame or something, and projected that I would be ashamed. People then avoid you because they think you’re in hiding or something. It’s quite isolating.

Tandora · 06/02/2023 11:55

Baaaaaa · 06/02/2023 07:45

She did apologise. She is kind and worried she did something wrong. Which she didn't.

The two mums who said she was insensitive, weren't kind. I'm not sure it came from a great place with the mum with the child who is a late walker either (in fact I would say self indulgence at best and social bullying at worst. Whatever it is it, any 'unkindness" is flowing one way.

Why is it always always the unkindest people who wield that accusation like a weapon.

Show quote history

Oh riiiight, because someone pointing out that you might have said something insensitive , is sooooo much more upsetting than having to undergo paediatric referral for a developmentally delayed child.

Calphurnia88 · 06/02/2023 12:24

Tandora · 06/02/2023 11:55

Oh riiiight, because someone pointing out that you might have said something insensitive , is sooooo much more upsetting than having to undergo paediatric referral for a developmentally delayed child.

Show quote history

No one is suggesting that.

But its immature AF to complain about someone behind their back because you took their innocuous question about wellies as a slight against your child.

Let's hope the mum in question has never asked anything baby related in the group because by your logic every topic should be out of bounds.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 06/02/2023 12:31

It was 2 mums in the chat who brought up my ‘insensitive’ comment, I only meet up with 2 of them so like others have pointed out, what’s the point? I’m not walking on egg shells around them. I also messaged the mum to apologise but also said I really don’t think I said anything wrong

You didn't do anything wrong
You can't know what you didn't know and you can't police your comments if you didn't know

Also it was an innocuous comment - one we parents make about life! Wellies and falling over in mud are funny little anecdotes

The other two mums were being over sensitive due to the mum 's own issues about her DCs lack of walking. Your apology was kindly meant and should have been sufficient.

Some people find drama where it doesn't exist

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 06/02/2023 12:34

I agree with @Calphurnia88

Sad for the mum whose child is developmentally behind and I hope her toddler gets there in their own time. But that doesn't mean everyone else can't talk about life and children. It'd be different if you were berating the mum competitively about why her child isn't yet walking - but clearly you weren't! A as you didn't know and B you didn't anyway , far from it you were chatting about life with a toddler! In a very normal way

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 06/02/2023 12:43

One of the DCs in my NCT post natal group is learning and physically disabled

We have stayed good friends and she has appreciated invites to parties and Accomodation's we made to involved her Dd and subsequent able-bodied DC siblings

She has never once criticised any of us for the chatter about funny little things our DCs do and has always said she appreciated being included as SEN disabled child groups and chat she has always reminds her how different her eldest DD is

We had a deep conversation a few times over the years about how mum friend felt it was lovely to have a group of non SEN mumfriends that loved and accepted her wonderful DD and included her, rather than 'disappeared' and stopped inviting her, as she was different and facing different challenges.

Sometimes those challenges are similar sometimes very different but it was a steep learning curve but we could do that as our friend told us!!! And included us! So that we could properly include her and her DD and family.

tornadoinsideoutfig · 06/02/2023 12:45

It would be incredibly difficult to talk about babies at all without talking about any milestones or development of any kind, even preferred toys could indicate development.

If you asked me what I got my then 8 month old for Christmas and I said he got a push along walker which he absolutely loves, runs with it, just that I have to turn him around to run back the other way as he hasn't grasped that yet. Just something as innocent as that could make someone sad that their child the same age isn't crawling yet. Yet, he was waking two hourly to breastfeed through the night, should another mother not mention sleep? What can you actually talk about?

StridTheKiller · 06/02/2023 13:03

I thought this was exactly what NCT was for? A bunch of jumped up bellends squabbling over bugger all.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/02/2023 13:04

Sorry OP, I'm going to go against the grain here. I understand that it is awful to be reprimanded for something you didn't intend like that.
I haven't seen the messages, but maybe the other mum was upset anyway about her DD's developmental milestones, and maybe just wobbled when she saw your post. Maybe she'd had a lot of that recently and it was the last straw. We don't know.
We don't know if the mum even complained about the post per se, or if the others jumped in on their own accord
I think you did the right thing to apologise and explain that you didn't know her full situation, but the wrong thing to add that you didn't do anything wrong. Even if you didn't it automatically sounds like an apology that isn't really an apology at all and implies the Mum was in the wrong, and ultimately we don't know her circumstances or who instigated the WhatsApps.

As you fully didn't intend to upset anyone, you can afford to be a little bit more gracious - and bear in mind that the Mum is dealing with a difficult situation which you are lucky enough to be spared.

Wishawisha · 06/02/2023 13:07

Even if you did know, who cares? People are always asking questions or sharing advice on things that don’t apply to other - breastfeeding, sleeping, learning thing like scooting and riding bikes, swimming etc. Was I offended when others celebrated their toddlers sleeping through the night when mine never did? No. Was I upset when those whose kids could cycle shared recommendations about bikes even though mine was completely struggling with it and years off riding? No.

Tandora · 06/02/2023 14:47

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/02/2023 13:04

Sorry OP, I'm going to go against the grain here. I understand that it is awful to be reprimanded for something you didn't intend like that.
I haven't seen the messages, but maybe the other mum was upset anyway about her DD's developmental milestones, and maybe just wobbled when she saw your post. Maybe she'd had a lot of that recently and it was the last straw. We don't know.
We don't know if the mum even complained about the post per se, or if the others jumped in on their own accord
I think you did the right thing to apologise and explain that you didn't know her full situation, but the wrong thing to add that you didn't do anything wrong. Even if you didn't it automatically sounds like an apology that isn't really an apology at all and implies the Mum was in the wrong, and ultimately we don't know her circumstances or who instigated the WhatsApps.

As you fully didn't intend to upset anyone, you can afford to be a little bit more gracious - and bear in mind that the Mum is dealing with a difficult situation which you are lucky enough to be spared.

Exactly this. You have summarised it really well.

BadNomad · 06/02/2023 15:41

Where did the OP do anything wrong though? The reason the apology doesn't sound like an apology is because there was no need for an apology. How can she be expected to be sensitive about something she didn't know was an issue? What is the point of advice/support chats if you can't ask for advice.

Johnnysgirl · 06/02/2023 15:42

Even if you didn't it automatically sounds like an apology that isn't really an apology at all and implies the Mum was in the wrong
How, exactly? Confused

DashboardConfessional · 06/02/2023 16:52

The mum is is the wrong. I don't care what she's going through, she shouldn't be bitching to someone else that the OP is being "insensitive" when she knows full well she hasn't mentioned her child's issues in the group. It just sounds like an excuse to push her out. (I've been there!)

DashboardConfessional · 06/02/2023 16:53

How do these 2 NCT members know calling the OP names isn't the last straw for her, quite frankly.

tornadoinsideoutfig · 06/02/2023 17:41

I wouldn't have explicitly said I didn't think I said anything wrong but I do think the only apology to make here is that you are sorry if your question upset her, that that was not your intention. You were not wrong to ask.

lieselotte · 06/02/2023 17:44

jacult · 05/02/2023 17:44

It’s not silly or petty. Just apologise to the mum in question to say you had no idea and wouldn’t have said that otherwise. It’s not your fault or hers, we all know how difficult it is.

Blimey, when my ds was small it was all about the milestones in my NCT group and whose baby was already on course for Harvard. Asking if anyone else's toddler is struggling in wellies seems very tame in comparison!

lieselotte · 06/02/2023 17:46

StridTheKiller · 06/02/2023 13:03

I thought this was exactly what NCT was for? A bunch of jumped up bellends squabbling over bugger all.

i wasn't rich enough for my NCT group. I know some people are lucky with the people they meet through it, it probably depends on the local demographic.

tornadoinsideoutfig · 06/02/2023 17:57

lieselotte · 06/02/2023 17:46

i wasn't rich enough for my NCT group. I know some people are lucky with the people they meet through it, it probably depends on the local demographic.

Show quote history

I wasn't old enough or into routines from books enough. I was the youngest by five years, most were ten years older than me. They all had huge expensive looking prams. I had walked to the group with DS in a stretchy wrap. I was the only one still breastfeeding on demand at six weeks. I didn't fit in so was dumped.

ExistenceOptional · 06/02/2023 19:09

lieselotte · 06/02/2023 17:46

i wasn't rich enough for my NCT group. I know some people are lucky with the people they meet through it, it probably depends on the local demographic.

Show quote history

Me too. A friend went to a Sure Start group and loved it. I would probably have met people I get on with better there.

Original poster
Wellybobs0 · 06/02/2023 19:44

I thought this was exactly what NCT was for? A bunch of jumped up bellends squabbling over bugger all.

😂😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellybobs0 · 06/02/2023 19:47

There has been a few messages exchanged today privately with the other mum where she was really rude about me leaving the group and actually said I was being dramatic. I’ve gone from annoyed to angry really quick but won’t be replying to her messages again.

OP posts:
Tandora · 06/02/2023 19:54

Wellybobs0 · 06/02/2023 19:47

There has been a few messages exchanged today privately with the other mum where she was really rude about me leaving the group and actually said I was being dramatic. I’ve gone from annoyed to angry really quick but won’t be replying to her messages again.

To be fair you picked that fight in the message you sent her

Original poster
Wellybobs0 · 06/02/2023 20:05

@Tandora

I said I was sorry if I upset her, it wasn’t my intention, but i don’t feel like I did anything wrong as I wasn’t aware of her sons developmental delay. If I was I wouldn’t have mentioned the wellies.

Its not picking a fight, I wasn’t going to accept I was being unreasonable but I did want to apologise for upsetting her.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 06/02/2023 20:14

Sounds like you're well out of it. I wouldn't respond to anything.