Upset my NCT group

[Wellybobs0]

Name change so outing and I know they occasionally come on here

group of 6 mums on a group chat, we all did nct together but only a few have continued to meet up due to work commitments etc. Our toddlers are now 17 months, and my little girl has only been walking since 15 months. I posted on the what’s app if anyone else’s child is struggling to walk in wellies as it’s so muddy but she just falls over.

A few replied. A few days later one of them messaged to say they think I’d been insensitive considering one of the children in the group had recently been a paediatrician due to delayed milestones (not walking at 17 months and not cruising apparently)

Apparently the mum is really upset with me for being insensitive. I didn’t even know!

AIBU to think this is so silly and petty? We only chat on their now and again about random things really, we never share personal info

It’s not “gracious” to apologise when the reason the person is upset is because they themselves are utterly insane.

Sorry but while I see that someone suggesting you said something insensitive is potentially a little upsetting, ( particularly when it was unintentional) I don’t think it’s remotely on a par with your child needing a paediatric referral for developmental delay.

In her original post OP called the mother “petty” and “silly”. She compared her potential for getting upset about her 15 monther not making “animal noises” to her friends upset that her 17 monther was not cruising and needed a medical referral.

She called the defensive message she sent to upset mum an “apology”.

I think it’s ok to advise OP that she could have been a little more understanding and gracious.

You don’t have to agree with me, that’s fine, but please stop calling me names (eg crazy, sanctimonious) and trying to bully me into silence. It’s really unpleasant behaviour.

This type of rubbish is precisely why I didn't join NCT.

Petty and soft.
Of course it's upsetting when your child doesn't hit milestones but it doesn't mean others should keep quiet. If it was something actually sensitive then yes, discretion needed but for this - no way

My DD was last to talk in our NCT group, I would never begrudge anyone else the joy of sending the recordings of their DC speaking or saying something funny. Nonsense and weak minded people.

I don’t think it’s remotely on a par with your child needing a paediatric referral for developmental delay
But all op did was mention that her ds fell over whilst wearing wellies, ffs!
It wasn't intended as a jibe, and the vast majority of normal people would not have taken it as such.

I would not have been the slightest bit upset about that message and DD didn’t walk until 23 months. Of course we were worried about her, but that doesn’t mean we weren’t happy for those whose kids were walking much sooner (which was pretty much everyone!)

The issue is, normal people are thin on the ground in these types of groups. I never managed to find “my people” with my first pregnancy because they were all obsessed with milestones and mastitis, Montessori this, organic that, or on the other end of the extreme, discussing how they had started going to church to get social work off their back. (Can you tell I live in a very mixed socio-economic area 😂😂) Luckily I found a lovely group of mums the second time round, we are all able to share our (big and small!) issues. And nobody has been offended.

Well done on missing my point entirely.

Funny you should mention bullying, as that is exactly how I see how the other mums have behaved towards OP, who did absolutely nothing wrong here.

I'm done ✌🏻

I asked my NCT group this week if they had any baby friendly recipes they could recommend as we're getting bored of the same meals. Should I be worried now in case one of them is struggling with weaning

well quite. My son was very behind on chewing, I wondered if he'd ever learn to chew (he did!). At his first birthday "party" (which a few of my NCT crowd did come to, as we were just about still in touch then) all the other babies could manage cake, and he couldn't, and it upset me. But I didn't then message all of them and say how insensitive of you to bring your babies when you knew they could eat cake and mine can't!

to be honest any parent can be fussy and sensitive, and NCT parents operate in the rest of the world too, so you will still encounter them - school playground parents for example.

To be fair, mine weren't oversensitive. Just up themselves and thought DH and I were the poor relations.

My DD was last to talk in our NCT group, I would never begrudge anyone else the joy of sending the recordings of their DC speaking or saying something funny. Nonsense and weak minded people

I do think that's rubbing it in a bit. Do people need to do that other than with family? Not that I would say anything.

The point in name-changing when you post something outing is so it can't be linked to old posts under your usual username.

Is it? The whole point of NCT groups is joining a group of people going through what you're going through at exactly the same time.
Sharing tips, asking advice, chatting about your kids is the very purpose of them. Why else would anyone bother?
Toptoeing round in case every one of you is not experiencing the exact same thing simultaneously is quite bizarre.

Honestly, OP, I agree with a pp that this group has outgrown one another, if you haven’t seen one another in ages, and have descended to this kind of sniping and performative offence. I don’t buy the chippy, class-based picture of NCT groups put forward by some on the thread, but I think the situation is the same as any other artificial group situation where all you have in common is children of the same age. Some gel, some don’t. My NCT group just didn’t like one another, and drifted apart almost immediately after the babies were born.

Actually I'm not quite done.

You've called me unpleasant for saying that you appear sanctimonious, yet in your first reply on this thread you call OP an arsehole.

Brilliant.

Now I'm done 👋🏻

I wouldn't even apologise to be honest. My youngest (both adults now) had a real problem with food as a toddler/young child and would only eat 'safe' foods. Was I supposed to get upset about other children eating normally then? If this is your first child unfortunately you will come across a lot like this. In every day conversation about children reaching milestones, there will always be someone that will take offence. It gets to the point that you can't mention anything for fear of upsetting someone. Obviously this mother has concerns for her child but that is her problem and she shouldn't project her feelings on to everyone else, especially as you had no idea.

My son didn't walk until he was over three and was eventually diagnosed with cerebral palsy. He's my first and only child.

I wouldn't dream of stopping my friends chatting about milestones and sharing concerns. I guess I used to feel a bit of a pang when I saw someone worry about something like that, but that was my problem not theirs. She was being unreasonable.

Actually I didn’t remotely at all call her that. I said if she knew (which she didn’t) and sent that message, then she would have behaved like an a-hole.

Same. Well done on your for having a thick skin, but personally I think that’s unnecessary and a bit crappy of your NCT friends.

I find some of the comments "interesting". My DC has always been ahead of my group in everything, I never mention these things unless someone else does (eg sharing pics of climbling or similar) or asks because I'm not a braggy dick. I dont really understand why someone would want to purposely do this. Obviously I'm proud and want to share, but I only do the braggy stuff with family who want to know and are interested

Looks like you are bragging on here though!

Don't be ridiculous!

@Wellybobs0

It doesn't sound like this is a baby group worth holding onto

Over the next 18 years you'll find other Mums you like who are supportive of each other and snipey clique ones like these two were

Yanbu and you now have the measure of those two women, who are very self absorbed and would suck the fun out of sharing joys together of bringing up DCs. Lucky escape OP. I'd delete the group and look for nicer new mum & toddler friends..! Plenty more out there