Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset my NCT group

298 replies

Wellybobs0 · 05/02/2023 17:38

Name change so outing and I know they occasionally come on here

group of 6 mums on a group chat, we all did nct together but only a few have continued to meet up due to work commitments etc. Our toddlers are now 17 months, and my little girl has only been walking since 15 months. I posted on the what’s app if anyone else’s child is struggling to walk in wellies as it’s so muddy but she just falls over.

A few replied. A few days later one of them messaged to say they think I’d been insensitive considering one of the children in the group had recently been a paediatrician due to delayed milestones (not walking at 17 months and not cruising apparently)

Apparently the mum is really upset with me for being insensitive. I didn’t even know!

AIBU to think this is so silly and petty? We only chat on their now and again about random things really, we never share personal info

OP posts:
SerafinasGoose · 05/02/2023 21:33

Good update, OP. I also would have left and not looked back. Life's far too short for this kind of nonsense.

My 14-month maternity leave was a very happy phase in my life. BF support group, music group, Baby Sensory and Water Babies enabled me to meet some lovely friends whom I sincerely liked. But IME, these are the kinds of friendships in life that are transitory. Eventually people went back to work, joined different swimming groups, left Toddler Sense, kids went to different local schools, some had second babies and found new friendships in a similar vein, or some moved away from the area entirely.

They were good times, but a different set of circumstances from what brought me together with my real, enduring friendships. It was fun, they were great people. But that phase of our lives is over.

piedbeauty · 05/02/2023 22:05

@TheFrozenCanal - But nct groups are always falling out with each other

Not all. Our NCT group still meets up every month 19 years later...

the girls have been an amazing source of support.

StaunchMomma · 05/02/2023 22:05

Wellybobs0 · 05/02/2023 17:58

It’s just made me feel like shit really. I just wanted a bit of friendly advice about bloody wellies. The message I got from her and the other mum just seemed so frosty for such an innocent thing to ask. I’ll just apologise and move on

I think lots of women end up feeling shit via NCT groups.

Focus on those 2 lovely friends you've made and drop the others out - it sounds like it would be no loss whatsoever!

Well done on leaving the chat. Nobody should be made to feel like shit over something you hadn't even been told about.

MissMaple82 · 05/02/2023 22:06

Offs.. even if she did know, it doesn't mean she should tip toe around watching what she says! Life just isn't like that. The mum needs to grow a backbone and get over herself

ClearMoth · 05/02/2023 22:07

piedbeauty · 05/02/2023 22:05

@TheFrozenCanal - But nct groups are always falling out with each other

Not all. Our NCT group still meets up every month 19 years later...

the girls have been an amazing source of support.

Are you referring to women who had babies 19 years ago as 'girls'?

I gave my nct group a fake phone number and email address and luckily never ran into any of them again.

MissMaple82 · 05/02/2023 22:07

Definitely don't apologise, there's nothing to apologise about

Tandora · 05/02/2023 22:19

Deathbyfluffy · 05/02/2023 19:27

it literally says in the opening post, and I quote, ‘I didn’t even know’
How much more clear do you want it without it being in 70 foot tall letters?

Show quote history

As I said already , the “i didn’t know” followed a statement about how she was informed her friend was upset. Therefore - following the ordinary rules of English comprehension - I thought it meant she didn’t know that her friend was upset. It wasn’t at all clear, sorry, hence my perfectly reasonable request for clarification.

MontagueLeo · 05/02/2023 22:22

Ask yourself honestly, would you really have chosen to have anything to do with these people in real life had you not met them through the NCT?

Tandora · 05/02/2023 22:23

Wellybobs0 · 05/02/2023 18:36

Why? One person says you've done something wrong over a misunderstanding, and rather than correct it you've flounce

It was 2 mums in the chat who brought up my ‘insensitive’ comment, I only meet up with 2 of them so like others have pointed out, what’s the point? I’m not walking on egg shells around them. I also messaged the mum to apologise but also said I really don’t think I said anything wrong

Oh god you shouldn’t have messaged at all if you were going to add “I didn’t do anything wrong”. The purpose of apologising was simply to make her feel better/ smooth it over- you will achieved nothing and made it worse with your non apology.

Tandora · 05/02/2023 22:27

FurAndFeathers · 05/02/2023 19:09

If she didn’t know the mum was upset then why on earth would she be posting about it on mumsnet? That makes no sense.
the OP is clear

Show quote history

What you have written here makes no sense. She said:

”friend texted me to say she was upset. I didn’t know”:

as in- I didn’t know until friend texted me that other friend was upset. Annnnyway, this is irrelevant!

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 05/02/2023 22:28

Can’t believe how many people are telling you to apologise OP. You did nothing wrong. I would never pander to such a wet wipe of a human.

MatronicO6 · 05/02/2023 22:28

Tandora · 05/02/2023 17:55

It’s a perfectly normal thing for a mum to be sensitive about- especially a first time mum. These things are very sensitive. There’s no point in telling someone they shouldn’t feel what they feel.

Show quote history

Following your logic, no mum in a NCT group can presume to talk about their baby reaching milestones unless the entire groups babies have also met the milestone. It completely undermines the point of the group in the first place.

OP, you did nothing wrong, you didn't have to apologise, they are being dramatic. I'd keep the good friends you have met and cut these other ones loose, sound like drips anyway.

Emmamoo89 · 05/02/2023 22:31

You didn't do anything wrong.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 05/02/2023 22:33

I think this is bloody ridiculous and basically they group will not function as it should (as support and friendship in the crazy early years) if you always have to pretend your babies are at the same stage. I mean say three of you bf, 2 FF and one struggled to bf and reluctantly gave up - are the three who bf not allowed to talk about it anymore? Say one of the babies starts talking early - is that mum not allowed to mention it until all the babies are talking?

And as for the third parties stirring the pot they can just bugger off. If the mum in question has a problem with you she can put on her big girl pants and tell you herself. You don't need messengers!

youshouldnthaveasked · 05/02/2023 22:37

How could you have been sensitive to something you didn’t know?! Absolutely ridiculous of the Mum in question.

Grapewrath · 05/02/2023 22:39

My NCT group were nice enough but as we all went on to go back to work or have more babies we all drifted. I see on Facebook that one or two who were always very similar meet up a couple of times a year but really, I have no interest or nothing in common with any of them.
OP they are friends for a season and it passes, don’t let it worry you.

Tandora · 05/02/2023 22:44

MatronicO6 · 05/02/2023 22:28

Following your logic, no mum in a NCT group can presume to talk about their baby reaching milestones unless the entire groups babies have also met the milestone. It completely undermines the point of the group in the first place.

OP, you did nothing wrong, you didn't have to apologise, they are being dramatic. I'd keep the good friends you have met and cut these other ones loose, sound like drips anyway.

Show quote history

To be honest I have learned that it’s not the best idea to go on about your child reaching milestones to your other mum friends with babies same age- they don’t want to hear it. Save that for family, or friends with older kids.
Not saying the OP was bragging- obviously she was just asking a question. But these things are sensitive , and it’s kind to tread lightly, especially with first time mums whose kids are delayed developmentally. That’s a stressful place to be.

piedbeauty · 05/02/2023 22:46

@ClearMoth , I'm sorry you didn't get on with your NCT group. Such a shame.

But yes, I do refer to our group as 'girls'. So what?! What's your actual point? Of course, I'm being consciously ironic 😉

sHREDDIES19 · 05/02/2023 22:47

Just to be clear, just because it’s the first, hitting milestones is not the be all and end all for all parents! I am a rational, intelligent and well adjusted human. My first didn’t pull up to stand until 14 months, walked at 16 months. I was not at all concerned as I knew he was simply a lazy little thing and he still is 11 years on. This is by no means a dig at you op, but rather at the ridiculous suggestion that your perfectly reasonable query to a supposed group of supportive mums was spotlighted. Probably best to slide out of the frame of this group of pfb’s.

StalkedByASpider · 05/02/2023 22:49

MatronicO6 · 05/02/2023 22:28

Following your logic, no mum in a NCT group can presume to talk about their baby reaching milestones unless the entire groups babies have also met the milestone. It completely undermines the point of the group in the first place.

OP, you did nothing wrong, you didn't have to apologise, they are being dramatic. I'd keep the good friends you have met and cut these other ones loose, sound like drips anyway.

Show quote history

I agree with this.

My twins were born prematurely and were bloody waaaay behind all of their milestones. Turns out they were both autistic etc - diagnosed officially when they were 4yrs and 10yrs - but obviously we didn't know at the time.

I can remember loads of comments from fellow mums about stuff that my two weren't doing (but should have been). Honestly, if I'd gotten offended every time that happened, I'd have spent their entire toddler years in a huff 😅

Some people are more sensitive, I get that - but equally, you didn't know and weren't to blame. And if the rest of the group have turned on you, it's ridiculous. They should be very gently pointing out to that mum that you probably weren't aware and it's an entirely normal type of question to ask fellow mums.

You're well out of that group. Stick with the two mum friends you've made. You'll make other mum friends at nursery/school anyway so don't worry - they're no loss.

ClearMoth · 05/02/2023 23:07

piedbeauty · 05/02/2023 22:46

@ClearMoth , I'm sorry you didn't get on with your NCT group. Such a shame.

But yes, I do refer to our group as 'girls'. So what?! What's your actual point? Of course, I'm being consciously ironic 😉

It wasn't a shame at all, I have actual friends 😉

MatronicO6 · 05/02/2023 23:13

Tandora · 05/02/2023 22:44

To be honest I have learned that it’s not the best idea to go on about your child reaching milestones to your other mum friends with babies same age- they don’t want to hear it. Save that for family, or friends with older kids.
Not saying the OP was bragging- obviously she was just asking a question. But these things are sensitive , and it’s kind to tread lightly, especially with first time mums whose kids are delayed developmentally. That’s a stressful place to be.

Show quote history

So what are they meant to talk about? You're essentially saying the groups should have an embargo on each baby related topic until it is clear everyone's baby has achieved that milestone.

I have a 9 month old that is still not crawling should I expect the mum's at stay & play to restrain their crawling 7 month old as it's 'insensitive'?

If a mum has to internally debate whether it's okay to ask about wellies without offending someone, there is zero point in having NCT groups.

Tiredmamma8 · 05/02/2023 23:33

I wouldn’t apologise. If you don’t have a relationship with this person and most likely aren’t going to what’s the point? She can’t get upset every time she hears of a child walking.

you could message and ask if she’s ok as your friend said she was having a tough time.

I know it must be very concerning for her but it sounds a bit extreme.

Tiredmamma8 · 05/02/2023 23:34

But also your NCT group sounds like a lot of immature drama. I would consider exiting that school girl drama land.

Flamingogirl08 · 05/02/2023 23:34

Yabu for being friends with NCT people. Move on from the group