Playdates there always one sided

AutumnIsHere21 · 05/02/2023 15:18

We are normally the host of play dates. Rarely - if ever - do we have the offer returned. However, DD likes having friends over and I prefer her to be at home so am not bothered in the slightest. If I ever needed help with childcare one afternoon/weekend, I wouldn’t hesitate to contact the parents of previous play date ‘guests’ to ask for a favour.

DuplicateUserName · 05/02/2023 15:21

Never at all, with any of them?

I suppose it depends on your DC really. If they ask to have friends round it'd be pretty harsh to deny them because you're annoyed the visits aren't reciprocated.

NuffSaidSam · 05/02/2023 15:21

There are many reasons playdates don't get returned, you need to change your mindset.

Playdates are not something you do for the other parent or the other child. They're something you do for the benefit of YOUR child. Whether another parent hosts a playdate for their child is neither here nor there. If your child enjoys playdates and you have the ability to host them then carry on. If they don't enjoy them or they're difficult for you, then stop. It's that's simple. Absolutely irrelevant what other people do.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 05/02/2023 15:24

I’m not a fan of play dates - DC have different clubs and homework every night. I also have a 2yo who needs to be put in bed early, I’m on a different schedule to older DC’s friends parents.

I’m happy to tell people this, let DC go, and repay the parents in wine instead, no issues so far! We also do dates out in holidays, or quick dinners after school. I find these more manageable

onlyconnect · 05/02/2023 15:25

It's the same for us. We often have play dates at our house with far fewer at other children's houses. I do wonder why in a few cases but know there can be many reasons. I agree with the pp really who said I'm doing it for my child. It's fine to wonder why but not to judge about it

DrMarciaFieldstone · 05/02/2023 15:25

Also, there are many families at school who have stopped play dates in the last few years as one or more of the parents are now working from home.

Helpmesortit · 05/02/2023 15:32

For me the reason I don’t have my DC’s friends over very often at all are

I work full time as does dh. So mid week it won’t happen.
The weekends are busy for me catching up with house stuff, visiting family etc.
i am also studying so my time is limited

i would love to be able to do it more but I just literally don’t have the time.

the last thing I did was bring dd and her friends to the cinema, I found that easier and more relaxing for me to be fair.

ElizaDoolittle77 · 05/02/2023 15:34

I totally get you. But we are always the ones invited round to one particular set of friends house (boy and girl friends with my boy and girl) The reason is that our house is really tiny and constantly having work done whereas theirs is a huge detached house with many rooms for the kids to play and a huge garden - maybe this could be a reason you don’t get invited?

arethereanyleftatall · 05/02/2023 15:44

Douse · 05/02/2023 15:05

Playdates always seem one sided for us . My children have friends over for tea and a play but the offer is never received back to the friends house . Its something that really bothers and makes me not want to carry on having playdates

With everyone you've had? Like lots of different people? That's strange I think.

Some people don't return play dates. Not many on my experience. Personally, I don't think that's fair, the load should be shared. So, I don't have those children back; I choose other friends of dds who do reciprocate. Not fair on their child of course, but that isn't my responsibility.

NuffSaidSam · 05/02/2023 15:52

Personally, I don't think that's fair, the load should be shared. So, I don't have those children back; I choose other friends of dds who do reciprocate. Not fair on their child of course, but that isn't my responsibility.

How deeply unpleasant.

RealBecca · 05/02/2023 15:55

NuffSaidSam · 05/02/2023 15:52

Personally, I don't think that's fair, the load should be shared. So, I don't have those children back; I choose other friends of dds who do reciprocate. Not fair on their child of course, but that isn't my responsibility.

How deeply unpleasant.

I disagree, noone really likes hosting playdates but they do it for their child. It's not deeply unpleasant to wish someone else would host one now and again.

FYI, yes I host and I'm lucky to have friends who reciprocate. They are all lovely but it's nice to rotate!

badgergirly · 05/02/2023 15:56

Are you looking for a babysitter? 😂

NuffSaidSam · 05/02/2023 15:57

RealBecca · 05/02/2023 15:55

I disagree, noone really likes hosting playdates but they do it for their child. It's not deeply unpleasant to wish someone else would host one now and again.

FYI, yes I host and I'm lucky to have friends who reciprocate. They are all lovely but it's nice to rotate!

Show quote history

It's not deeply unpleasant to wish someone would reciprocate.

It's deeply unpleasant to isolate small children whose parents, for whatever reason, can't or won't return a playdate.

Ponoka7 · 05/02/2023 15:58

My DD doesn't reciprocate because her house is tiny, her eldest (who goes on playdates) shares a small room with her sister. It's genuine embarrassment. The house needs decorating after being plastered, but she's waiting to get pointing done. Sometimes it is because they don't have as nice house as others.

OhmygodDont · 05/02/2023 15:59

At our old house we never did play dates. New house and we pretty much have a child sleeping over once a fortnight.

Reason. Our old house was small l, tiny garden and far away from school, I didn’t/don’t drive so a play date would involve the other child having to walk 40 minutes before they even got to play. It was an awkward layout for sleepovers due to room sharing and how the downstairs was.

Now we live 5 minutes from school, bigger house, huge garden. Layout is perfect for downstairs sleepovers. Plus we set up a huge pool, table tennis, outside arts and football to help keep children entertained which just was not possible at the old house.

Ponoka7 · 05/02/2023 15:59

However my DD offers days out.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/02/2023 16:01

Not really @NuffSaidSam
Just got fed up of takers.

NuffSaidSam · 05/02/2023 16:04

arethereanyleftatall · 05/02/2023 16:01

Not really @NuffSaidSam
Just got fed up of takers.

So you punished the small child of said 'taker'?

And believe that's not deeply unpleasant?

arethereanyleftatall · 05/02/2023 16:05

Those with small houses, could reciprocate in a park for example. A picnic in a park is lovely. It doesn't have to be like for like. Just some kind of acknowledgment that one person is doing you and your child a favour; and that you should return said favour in any way you can. I always used to host one child whose parent worked 9-5 and couldn't return a play date, but every time she picked her child up, she bought a bottle of wine to say thanks. That's all it takes. Some acknowledgment.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/02/2023 16:07

@NuffSaidSam
I didn't punish the child whatsoever. I just had other friends over for play dates. I'm not apologising for that.

YukoandHiro · 05/02/2023 16:07

Is it because your housing is more suitable. Because of the area my DC live in a lot of their families have big houses they can play in and for a long time we were squeezed into a two bed flat so it was just never appropriate

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 05/02/2023 16:07

I used to do them, but people would take the mick. I'd invite a school aged children & their siblings would turn up with them who were toddlers and my house wasn't toddler proofed so I stopped it.
Also my house isn't very nice compared to others. (Needs re-carpeting and finished decorating )

Thinkbiglittleone · 05/02/2023 16:08

We are always happy to do playdates and as our DS gets older it will continue to be an open house type situation.
We have one in our group that doesn't reciprocate, but she has been quite open with me that she struggles with her DS behaviour at home at times, so I wonder if it's that.

If our DS asks for a friend to come around, I ask their parent, so it's his choice, although he can go weeks without asking as he likes his own space after school.

But yes, I don't mind of a parent doesn't reciprocate, I just assume it's not their thing and I do it for my child, not for childcare.

NuffSaidSam · 05/02/2023 16:10

arethereanyleftatall · 05/02/2023 16:07

@NuffSaidSam
I didn't punish the child whatsoever. I just had other friends over for play dates. I'm not apologising for that.

Of course you punished them. You stopped inviting them over, banned them from playdates. Not because of their behaviour or because they were no longer friends with your DC but because their parents couldn't or wouldn't invite your DC over.

I understand you're not going to apologise for it, but you should feel bad about it because it's a horrible thing to do isn't it?

Christmasbahhumbug · 05/02/2023 16:10

I rarely host playdates as I wouldn’t be happy with dd going to the home of a school friend whose parents I don’t know well. When she’s been invited, I tend to suggest a park meet up or an activity instead and these tend to work really well.