Playdates there always one sided

[Douse]

Playdates always seem one sided for us . My children have friends over for tea and a play but the offer is never received back to the friends house . Its something that really bothers and makes me not want to carry on having playdates

And there are always ways and means to reciprocate doesn't have to be "at yours ", it may just need to be planned in advance or happen on a weekend.

But if other parent isn't interested in doing it that's fine too. Then it's ok for you to stop too

@Blessedwithsunshine

I do say no sometimes. My kids enjoy them though so as stressful as it can be, I do say yes occasionally.

Not fair on their child or your DD! Does she not get a say in anything? Honestly if I’d have known that there were mums who, like you, arranged playdates solely for the reason that they could get their own kid off their hands at a later date, I would never have allowed my precious children to go to their homes at all!

Some parents are lazier. That's it. I work full time, my husband works full time, I have after school activities every single night of the week except Friday, I have a five bedroom house and no cleaner. I still host and reciprocate play dates. If your house is too small - offer to take to soft play. If you're short of cash - take them to a local park. If your time is short - a couple of hours is long enough. Honestly, the ones who don't reciprocate are usually the ones who do have plenty of time. Three kids in, I've learned they just don't want to do it, regardless of the impact on their kids.

It’s not to get your kids away, it’s because often your child asks to go to their friends house, it’s because the parents have to play a role
in nurturing friendships and relationships. Being one sided is incredibly unfair, everyone’s busy

I never once had a play date for my daughter. She’s an only child and she always said she just liked her own company and being able to come home and chill after school. What she did like was meeting up with friends at the park to play and I’d chat with the mums. It was never arranged though, we’d just bump into one another. I think it was because DD knew she could leave at anytime! She’s more sociable now 😆

I don't get the argument that if you have lots of DC then they have each other to play with. This is what my DH's relative argues but I only have 2 DC when they were both under 10 they played quite a bit together so in theory there was no need for me to invite of their friends over but they both need their own friends not just each other and you have to nurture those friendships. Around here, nobody plays in the street as it is a city and no suburbia, there's an expectation of providing dinner -a healthy one as in one that definitely includes vegetables. So one parent new to the area hosted a playdate and have the DC pancakes with Nutella for dinner, they were 7, a Mum I know thought that was annoying as she likes her child to eat all the colours of the rainbow in fruit and veg. She said she had to cook her an actual dinner after she had collected her. Another expectation when they are young ay least so 4,-7 but maybe even 8 is that you have activities - crafts, painting all figures and their buildings out like Playmobil, the involvement is not minimal from parents. I had one 5 year old friend of DDs pretty cry throughout dinner and until she went home on and off as she was used to her routine of her Dad cooking her certain pasta shapes, watching Shaun the sheep why she ate at the same time everyday and ordinarily she would speak to her rabbit after dinner. All these things I couldn't provide for her other than Shaun the sheep but there is no way you can just lounge on the sofa whilst the children play for hours in their room without a peep. Plus our house is small so not much room to charge around. Children constantly doing acrobats off the bed and you having to ensure they don't hurt themselves, them telling you it is ok they are allowed to come through the ceiling at home! I mean what part of playdates makes my life easier. If you don't do them for non valid reasons and you are just a bit lazy, I think you like to believe that you're doing the other parent some massive favour by allowing your child to be hosted by them but you really aren't you are just taking advantage (obviously this point is not relevant if your reasons not to do so are valid) but if it is about wfh, space etc I don't get it I do both of these things and still manage it. My DDs friend's Mum has depression but still manages to host at some points over the months not if it is bad and that is fine as it is understood. Two families I know there are marriage problems. My DS currently has GCSEs coming up so I won't be hosting sleepovers in half term - but will have one this Friday. I think nobody has a perfect life within my friendship group and peers including me but we don't really let our adult issues get in the way of childhood, surely you just momentarily push it to the side. Maybe I just don't know perfect families and couples but if we all waited to not have adult shit going on our DC would never have play dates!!

We never do playdates - hosted only once and DS has gone to a couple but not many. Tbh, playdates are a difficult to arrange as both me and DH work FT; with me WFH. We have a 1yo that we collect from nursery at 6pm, and DS goes to afterschool club until then too. That leaves the weekends, which are typically spent ferrying DS to swimming lessons, football club, doing all the laundry, cleaning the house, seeing family etc.

I really think people are overthinking playdates and putting a lot of adult social-anxiety onto their kids!
Does your child want their friend round to play? If yes, invite them - don't do it with expectations of being paid back or keep scores or grudges, just do it to make your kid happy.
Does your child want to go to their friend's house? If yes, let them go and play - don't stress about whether or not you can return the invite.

Totally agree with this @ChildminderMum

How sweet and naive

What do you mean by this @Blessedwithsunshine ?

I expect (from user name) @ChildminderMum is far from naive.
I'm certainly not either, and I agree with all of this.

These sorts of excuses are verging on CF territory if you accept invitations to others. Freeloading because you’re bothered about your image is pretty selfish.

You should never punish a child for the actions of the parent.

//
Deciding not to invite a child or doing it less often isn't really punishing a child though? And as pointed out by a pp what about a kid like mine who never receives an invite back although they would love to go to their mates house? Especially when you know damn well other kids do.

A bit late in the day but id like to caveat my post by saying of course if there are reasons why you absolutely can't have my kid occasionally that's quite obviously ok. On the past if this has been the parent in question may instead offer to do school pick up instead and drop DD off after a walk home getting ice cream. Or later in the evening once kids are con bed I'll get a lovely message to say thanks.

It's the parents who just take who make me reassess,

@Blessedwithsunshine I'm afraid you sound like one of those mums who try to micromanage their children's friendships, normally so that they are only allowed to be friends with children whose parent's you approve of, aka, well off parents.

I agree with everything Nuffsaid and UsingChangeofName have said.

When my boys were at primary, I basically had an open door policy after school. I never saw the boys playing with their friends as 'playdates' to be reciprocated. I would feed them all one night of the week, but the rest of the time they needed to go home for dinner.

DS2 hardly ever went to his best friend's house, but it never bothered me as I found it easier to have other children round. It meant they would go out and play, or get the Lego out, or whatever, rather than nagging me to watch TV. They used to put on plays for us too... I miss those days!

My dd had one child round umpteen times - it was never reciprocated. Eventually dd said - very nicely - to the other mum, that it might be nice if her dd was invited back once in a while.,

The other mum basically said she couldn’t be arsed. Plus some vague mention of needing to tidy up,,etc. - goodness knows why, since she’d be well aware (having picked her dd up many times) that dd’s own house is nearly always in a state of chaos and carnage! The kids honestly don’t care.

I disagree. My ds loves going over to his friends house- new toys, different environment and snacks lol.I think even he would question if he wasn't invited back. Yanbu op, its rude not to reciprocate.

im happy to host play dates and have long ago given up expecting a play date to be reciprocated, it doesn't bother me anymore (one mum works nights, another just doesn't do play dates, another has lots of clubs etc etc.

Sending our kids on a playdate is hardly freeloading 😂😂😂😂

I take them on outdoor playdates plenty of times FYI not that it really matters

Freeloading 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

As has been said in different words by lots of others on the thread. If you reciprocate with play dates elsewhere then no, not freeloading. If you accept play dates but don’t find a way to reciprocate then yes, freeloading.

I disagree that parents have to ‘nurture’ their kids’ friendships. Play dates were unheard of when I was a child and I had loads of friends, some of whom I am still friends with today.

I disagree that parents have to ‘nurture’ their kids’ friendships. Play dates were unheard of when I was a child and I had loads of friends, some of whom I am still friends with today.

I agree if nobody is doing playdates. Then it’s equal and friendships are formed at school/clubs etc. But if some kids do playdates and some don’t, then the ones that do are likely to become closer friends and the ones not will likely feel left out.

Yes but that isn't the situation exists for some of us i.e playdates do exist and if you don't get on board with that the friendships aren't that strong around here. It's the same for the park, if you never take your child after school in the summer they miss out a bit. In my area lots of parents wfh or are self employed and both parents - Mum and dad are involved in these activities so tbf the working is not always an issue. We are in a city context so yhe going in and out of each other's houses doesn't exist as much. The park is heaving in the summer though.

Perhaps, but not necessarily. Ever heard of absence makes the heart grow stronger or overfamiliarity breeds contempt? Besides, if a child is a likeable person, other kids will want to be friends with them regardless of any play dates.

I agree with @PinkSyCo

My dc have all managed to grow up with plenty of friends without me breaking out of work and taking them to the park after school
Having 3 dc, and both of us working meant we rarely had others round to play after school, as it wasn't practical. None of mine ever expressed that they were 'missing out', even if they were aware that X might have been to Y's house and they hadn't.
They all had school friends, and they were all friendly with people they did other things with - swimming, football, Scouts etc. People they would spend time with each week, doing stuff they enjoy together.

I haven't seen one person on here admit to not hosting because they hate the mess/noise/hassle yet. Come on people, own up! 😅

Obviously no child should be living in a situation of domestic violence.

I get that there may be extenuating circumstances, I do. but I dont get why you dont seem to get that a child might well miss out if they arent invited back and why that is the friends parents fault and not the childs own parents fault.

It's an hour. Kids dont care if the housework is piled up, the dog can go outside for an hour, summer isnt cold, most parents that can't handle other people's kids and hide in the bedroom for and hour. not all. But most.

I dont get why the childs friends parents should be expected to host so someone elses child doesnt miss out.