Page 4 | Playdates there always one sided

Douse · 2023-02-05T15:05:43+00:00

Playdates always seem one sided for us . My children have friends over for tea and a play but the offer is never received back to the friends house . Its something that really bothers and makes me not want to carry on having playdates

Blessedwithsunshine · 05/02/2023 20:03

NuffSaidSam · 05/02/2023 19:46

It's your job to set a good example to your children and you're not doing that with this behaviour.

I wouldn't exclude your children, just because you're unpleasant. They might be lovely! And you should do the same for other small children.

The mistake I think you've made here is you think playdates are about you and the other parent, some kind of hosting battle! They're not. They're about the kids.

If your kids like little Zoe and want her to come over, invite her over. It doesn't matter what her parents are like. It's that simple.

And I believe deep down you know that. You know as well as anyone it's isn't a child's fault the home they come from.

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I absolutely disagree. It hurts my children’s feelings when they are not invited back. It causes confusion and a lack of balance in the friendship. It’s not something I want for my children - to feel like that.

I couldn’t care less if you think it doesn’t matter, it does matter.

Play dates can be tiring, exhausting with certain children and it’s usually not fun for any parent. We do it for our children, and we enjoy the company of families and friends that care about other people enough to also be generous with their time and energy.

I don’t know any druggies or drunks only CF that have plenty of space and time but cba.

There is a world of difference between a parent that can easily reciprocate but chooses not to, and one that has a disabled child, unstable mental health or living arrangements or other acceptable reasons.

OhmygodDont · 05/02/2023 20:03

How many children just want to play in the park in October/November/December/January/February/March. All the wintertime months.

play dates sleepovers etc are not for us as the adults it’s for the children.

The children I found most inviting and demanding when invited were those as lone children, the rest seemed to understand it came and went as the child with siblings with their clubs and friends etc.

The child we have most for sleepover is the youngest of. A group to my middle. She basically slots in as another child you almost forget she’s here as normal life goes on more a family member than a play date.

Blessedwithsunshine · 05/02/2023 20:08

It’s rude.
I don’t think I need to say more than that.
If you have a very good reason then explain it to other parents, so they understand. If there is no reason, pull your finger out and stop being a rude CF and a dreadful example to your dc.

ShirleyPhallus · 05/02/2023 20:11

Blessedwithsunshine · 05/02/2023 20:03

I absolutely disagree. It hurts my children’s feelings when they are not invited back. It causes confusion and a lack of balance in the friendship. It’s not something I want for my children - to feel like that.

I couldn’t care less if you think it doesn’t matter, it does matter.

Play dates can be tiring, exhausting with certain children and it’s usually not fun for any parent. We do it for our children, and we enjoy the company of families and friends that care about other people enough to also be generous with their time and energy.

I don’t know any druggies or drunks only CF that have plenty of space and time but cba.

There is a world of difference between a parent that can easily reciprocate but chooses not to, and one that has a disabled child, unstable mental health or living arrangements or other acceptable reasons.

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I completely agree and think it’s absolutely bonkers that there are posters who are saying that not inviting children to their house is a punishment for them. Those children aren’t entitled to play at someone else’s house, how on earth is it any punishment if they’re not invited.

We are very fortunate to have a decent sized house and garden but I get really fucked off when people say “oh my house is too small to reciprocate.” Children do not care what someone else’s house looks like, just repay the favour or organise it elsewhere. if you really really cannot, then give a token of gratitude elsewhere or stop taking advantage of someone else’s goodwill. It’s so cheeky.

Blip · 05/02/2023 20:13

I think hosting is basically a generous thing to do and it's a shame if you don't appreciate when another parent does this for your child.

I don't think invitations need to be reciprocal necessarily but let's face it some parents are real CFs and nobody likes to feel taken advantage of. The worst at my school was a locum GP who always seemed to think she could rope in other parents as childcare when she had booked a shift. I think you need to be firm with these people. Play dates yes, unpaid childcare not reciprocated no.

FlippyFloppyShoe · 05/02/2023 20:18

My children are nearing secondary age and whilst I don't mind playdates, the playdate expectation has been extended in time from around 2hrs to now around 4+ hours with partial expectation of dinner and some are asking for sleepovers.
For several reason sleepovers I refuse to host or let mine go on, unless I know the family really really well (there haven't been any so far). Also I don't mind quieter kids coming over for 4+ hours and sometimes having dinner, but given I work full time and am single parent, any drama lamas will be hosted outside the house on an activity

Blessedwithsunshine · 05/02/2023 20:18

ShirleyPhallus · 05/02/2023 20:11

I completely agree and think it’s absolutely bonkers that there are posters who are saying that not inviting children to their house is a punishment for them. Those children aren’t entitled to play at someone else’s house, how on earth is it any punishment if they’re not invited.

We are very fortunate to have a decent sized house and garden but I get really fucked off when people say “oh my house is too small to reciprocate.” Children do not care what someone else’s house looks like, just repay the favour or organise it elsewhere. if you really really cannot, then give a token of gratitude elsewhere or stop taking advantage of someone else’s goodwill. It’s so cheeky.

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Yes it is so cheeky.

The bleating from the ‘be kind’ brigade that state they are doing you and your child a favour is the epitome of cheeky fuckery.

The one glaring omission is that it’s only the hosting parents that need to keep ‘being kind’ they don’t have to bother themselves with it though! And screech unfair punishment if you have the audacity to stop.

For sure the pp on here defending piss poor manners ARE the CFs we avoid in RL, they just want the play date gravy train to continue because it benefits their children and they can enjoy outsourcing the entertainment and child care. Only a doormat would carry on!

Blessedwithsunshine · 05/02/2023 20:21

Blip · 05/02/2023 20:13

I think hosting is basically a generous thing to do and it's a shame if you don't appreciate when another parent does this for your child.

I don't think invitations need to be reciprocal necessarily but let's face it some parents are real CFs and nobody likes to feel taken advantage of. The worst at my school was a locum GP who always seemed to think she could rope in other parents as childcare when she had booked a shift. I think you need to be firm with these people. Play dates yes, unpaid childcare not reciprocated no.

I think we share the same friend!! - or maybe GPs are just like this.

PinkSyCo · 05/02/2023 20:24

Stop doing them then. Sometimes, believe it or not, they are just as much a pain in the arse for the parent who has to deliver and collect their child to/from yours as it is for you to have their child at yours for a couple of hours.

Blessedwithsunshine · 05/02/2023 20:33

PinkSyCo · 05/02/2023 20:24

Stop doing them then. Sometimes, believe it or not, they are just as much a pain in the arse for the parent who has to deliver and collect their child to/from yours as it is for you to have their child at yours for a couple of hours.

Poor you, how on earth do you cope with having to collect your own child. What an imposition to have to collect your own kid

You can see the CFs on here alright.

And FYI we ditched said CFs a very long time ago, and everyone is happier for it! After 18 years of play dates and hundreds of them, I can honestly say in time it becomes evident that the apple does not fall far from the tree, and dc of CFs seem to lack manners and normal social graces and awareness

Eeiliethya · 05/02/2023 20:36

I love hosting play dates. I don't go into overdrive tidying and prepping for arrival, I prefer the parent to drop the child off and fuck off so I can relax for an hour whilst my DD is entertained with someone else other than me. Chuck them a few biscuits, crisp and juice, read a book or vegetate on the couch! Win win.

Teatime55 · 05/02/2023 20:40

This happens to us a lot in primary. I constantly had other peoples children around and TBH I didn’t mind in general. DD is an only child so it was nice for her to have someone to play with so I just put up with it. However:

a few times I asked other parents to take DD in an emergency, one a big emergency. They all said no and gave really weak reasons. I knew one of the mums very well and basically she couldn’t be bothered.
parents kept pushing me to take their children more and more. I think people see you as a soft touch. I had 2 mums try to give me their children for whole weekends so they could go away. Then act pissed off when you aren’t enthusiastic.
finding out they are having other kids to theirs for play dates but not DD.
Trying to send siblings around so they could have a free afternoon. I had one mum who stopped play dates as I wouldn’t take both her children.

Im glad DD got older/covid hit and I was able to dump all of them going into secondary.

VikingLady · 05/02/2023 20:43

We cannot reciprocate. My DD absolutely cannot have people in her safe space, our home, regardless of who they are. Even a close friend coming to the door will set her on edge for days. Actual visitors means weeks of increased stress symptoms, so insomnia, meltdowns, food restricting, language issues. So none of us can have people round. Both my kids can be high maintenance and require a high level of watching, so I can't take responsibility for other people's kids out of the house either.

This will disadvantage her little brother, but it is what it is. I'm very clear to people who invite us over that I will never be able to reciprocate, and ask how I can make it up instead. Do they like home made cake, or want someone to vent to about their life, or something else?

Ultimately if we're cut out for this it's overwhelmingly likely they'd reject us for some other ableist reason anyway, so fuck them.

PinkSyCo · 05/02/2023 20:45

Blessedwithsunshine · 05/02/2023 20:33

Poor you, how on earth do you cope with having to collect your own child. What an imposition to have to collect your own kid

You can see the CFs on here alright.

And FYI we ditched said CFs a very long time ago, and everyone is happier for it! After 18 years of play dates and hundreds of them, I can honestly say in time it becomes evident that the apple does not fall far from the tree, and dc of CFs seem to lack manners and normal social graces and awareness

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I have 5 children(all with less than 3 years between them), and live in a cul-de-sac full of children of whom my children happily played with-sometimes in my house or garden or sometimes in the street- so no I (and my children) really aren’t all that fussed about coming to your house for an hours play and a bit of beige food thanks.

Blessedwithsunshine · 05/02/2023 20:50

VikingLady · 05/02/2023 20:43

We cannot reciprocate. My DD absolutely cannot have people in her safe space, our home, regardless of who they are. Even a close friend coming to the door will set her on edge for days. Actual visitors means weeks of increased stress symptoms, so insomnia, meltdowns, food restricting, language issues. So none of us can have people round. Both my kids can be high maintenance and require a high level of watching, so I can't take responsibility for other people's kids out of the house either.

This will disadvantage her little brother, but it is what it is. I'm very clear to people who invite us over that I will never be able to reciprocate, and ask how I can make it up instead. Do they like home made cake, or want someone to vent to about their life, or something else?

Ultimately if we're cut out for this it's overwhelmingly likely they'd reject us for some other ableist reason anyway, so fuck them.

Anyone with even a shred of decency would totally understand your position and continue to invite your child. We are not talking about you and your genuine and valid reasons - we are talking about other grabby CFs on here that could effortlessly host if they were so inclined but choose not to. No reasons just lazy and selfish buggers.

JassyRadlett · 05/02/2023 20:52

Those like many people on this thread are the reason that I hardly ever accepted any invitations for DS1 when he was younger. We both work, were
out of the house for long hours, the one free afternoon was taken up with activities, and I swiftly learned that offers of play dates when we were free at weekends were more often than not declined because they were 'family time/activity time' or similar. So I simply stopped accepting them, and it definitely affected DS1 socially. But I knew there would be some parents keeping score and marking DS1's card if I didn't reciprocate with play dates, so I withdrew from the field.

With DS2 I have a more flexible job and Im very glad to have kids round, whether they can reciprocate or not. I know there are parents who for whatever reason won't be able to have my kids round, and honestly I don't give a shit. I'm glad to be able to get the kids together and chuck a couple of biscuits at them. DS1 is now older and his friends have started dropping by solo.. again, I'm just glad I'm in a position to facilitate this now when I know it's much harder for a lot of families to do it.

Blessedwithsunshine · 05/02/2023 20:52

Teatime55 · 05/02/2023 20:40

This happens to us a lot in primary. I constantly had other peoples children around and TBH I didn’t mind in general. DD is an only child so it was nice for her to have someone to play with so I just put up with it. However:

a few times I asked other parents to take DD in an emergency, one a big emergency. They all said no and gave really weak reasons. I knew one of the mums very well and basically she couldn’t be bothered.
parents kept pushing me to take their children more and more. I think people see you as a soft touch. I had 2 mums try to give me their children for whole weekends so they could go away. Then act pissed off when you aren’t enthusiastic.
finding out they are having other kids to theirs for play dates but not DD.
Trying to send siblings around so they could have a free afternoon. I had one mum who stopped play dates as I wouldn’t take both her children.

Im glad DD got older/covid hit and I was able to dump all of them going into secondary.

🥳 it’s a great feeling! Ditching the CFs, and you are right there are people that definitely use play dates as unpaid childcare.

Blessedwithsunshine · 05/02/2023 20:53

PinkSyCo · 05/02/2023 20:45

I have 5 children(all with less than 3 years between them), and live in a cul-de-sac full of children of whom my children happily played with-sometimes in my house or garden or sometimes in the street- so no I (and my children) really aren’t all that fussed about coming to your house for an hours play and a bit of beige food thanks.

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You sound like a peach

PinkSyCo · 05/02/2023 21:07

Blessedwithsunshine · 05/02/2023 20:53

You sound like a peach

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I’m sorry if I’ve made you realise that your oh so magnanimous gestures are quite often more for your/your kid’s sake than anything else. 🤷🏻‍♀️

BigotSpigot · 05/02/2023 21:12

I haven't been able to reciprocate as I have been very ill for a few years (before then we hosted lots of playdates) and by the evening I am often on my knees. I do explain this and try and organise a couple of group trips with a number of children to the cinema etc. in the holidays, and offer to drop off/pick up if I can help get someone out of a spot. There could be so many reasons why this is happening to you....

purplefacemask · 05/02/2023 21:14

Many mothers are at work after school.

ichundich · 05/02/2023 21:19

It's annoying OP. Most of my kids' friends' parents will reciprocate, but there are one or two who will always accept a playdate / sleepover, yet never or only rarely return them. They have nice, big houses, and the kids get on well. Tbh I can see no other reason for it other than that they just can't be bothered. I hate playdates too because I feel like a stranger is invading my space, but I put up with them for the kids' sake.

PinkSyCo · 05/02/2023 21:22

My final words on the subject. ‘Give’ willingly or not at all. Not every wants or appreciates what you ‘give’. If you expect something back tell the parent upfront that inviting their child to yours is a transactional exercise and you expect free childcare for your kid in return.

ShirleyPhallus · 05/02/2023 21:25

PinkSyCo · 05/02/2023 21:22

My final words on the subject. ‘Give’ willingly or not at all. Not every wants or appreciates what you ‘give’. If you expect something back tell the parent upfront that inviting their child to yours is a transactional exercise and you expect free childcare for your kid in return.

Ummm and if someone offers you something you don’t want or appreciate then don’t accept it

You aren’t doing someone else a favour by accepting an invitation

Blessedwithsunshine · 05/02/2023 21:28

PinkSyCo · 05/02/2023 21:22

My final words on the subject. ‘Give’ willingly or not at all. Not every wants or appreciates what you ‘give’. If you expect something back tell the parent upfront that inviting their child to yours is a transactional exercise and you expect free childcare for your kid in return.

No one forced you to overextend yourself to such a ridiculous level with FIVE young children!

If that has turned you into a CF, and this thread is hitting a nerve then perhaps you should reflect on the example you are setting for your children.

It’s embarrassing as a child not inviting friends back, they do notice after a while. Leaving your children to roam the streets is hardly a lesson in social etiquette is it!