Playdates there always one sided

[Douse]

Playdates always seem one sided for us . My children have friends over for tea and a play but the offer is never received back to the friends house . Its something that really bothers and makes me not want to carry on having playdates

I haven’t returned a play date for over a year. It’s not that I don’t want to.

1. Dh has had depression and wouldn’t have coped with the noise
2. DH then had a physical illness that meant he couldn’t walk more than a couple of steps
3. DH has now returned to work very part time, but between helping him run his business, working 45h a week in my own job and looking after 4DC and 2 dogs I’m embarrassingly behind on housework… plus due to reason 1 I only have 2 two hour windows a week I could offer in atm, which for seem long enough.

I feel really bad about it, but I/ we just couldn’t manage a play date yet.

It is not healthy to model a non reciprocal relationship/friendship to children by continually inviting children that have no intention of ever returning the favour.

Children should grow up understanding that friendships are give and take. Most children enjoy being invited to friends houses, playing with new toys and enjoying the experience and learning to enjoy dinner at different houses. It is good for their social development, if that isn’t happening over a long period of time, then a child will be disadvantaged socially.

Most parents can easily host, but choose not to. Unless it’s been explained to other parents that there are some extremely good reasons why it’s unbalanced, then they shouldn’t continue to accept invitations - it is CF behaviour, and taking advantage.

If you can’t host at home there is nothing wrong with hosting in parks, cafes and other public places. We wouldn’t dream of continually inviting children that don’t reciprocate. I have no intention of turning my children in to adult people pleasers.

Children should grow up understanding that not everyone is as lucky as they or has access to the same opportunities. Children should grow up judging people on the content of their character and not what their parents/wider family have/can do/are like.

A child will be far more socially disadvantaged being brought up devoid of empathy and thinking all relationships operate on a simple transactional basis than they will be not being invited to a couple of friends houses.

And you know it.

For me, play dates are for my DC. So I invite their friends - whoever they want, not whose parents I get on with or who will reciprocate. Some do, some don’t. I would be lying if I said I don’t notice who doesn’t reciprocate but that doesn’t stop me inviting them if DC ask. It’s an unpopular opinion on MN but I don’t find play dates particularly hard work. I expect DC to get on with it and amuse themselves and they pretty much always do. The only reason I might stop repeat invites is for consistently bad behaviour but luckily that’s not happened yet.
Separately, some of the parents I am good enough friends with to ask for the occasional childcare favour and vice versa. I see this is a separate thing to child-initiated play dates, and this is something that is reciprocated in various ways.

It is not healthy to model a non reciprocal relationship/friendship to children by continually inviting children that have no intention of ever returning the favour.

Are you actually stating "it's not healthy" to demonstrate to your dc that it is nice to be kind ?
That it is nice to offer when you can - be that food, space, a listening ear, friendship or whatever ?

I think it is excellent parenting to demonstrate kindness.
To demonstrate how lovely it is to have a welcoming environment in your home. To demonstrate the fun you can have by having friends round.
To demonstrate how nice it is to share a meal.
To demonstrate that it is often more fun to do something with a friend.

Also someone inviting my DC for a play date at a time of their choosing isn’t a favour for me. It may well be an inconvenience based on work and other plans, but I will try my best to accommodate for the sake of DC. It’s only a favour if it’s at a time when I needed the childcare (and asked for it).

I don't like it when people say this about not inviting them back, maybe they don't have a nice house or live in a flat or some other reason why they haven't reciprocated, it's awkward enough having to explain your situation to another parent whom you probably don't know very well either,
People on here are very split over play dates being reciprocated vs not. Id prefer not too do them but feel bad on my child's part if we didn't and no I don't reciprocate because I can't and hope to one day be able to offer the other children round

I find play dates really stressful, I think it's the responsibility of looking after other people's children so I do try to avoid them although I don't really ever explain why.

I do try to make up for it though with things like doing more than my fair share of driving children about to clubs etc, buying you a really nice birthday present, organising lots of things like meals and nights out and just generally being one of those helpful people in the hope that you don't notice my play date fear!

I guess you are one of ‘those’ mothers, always expecting others to do the heavy lifting.

I am raising my children to have self respect, everyone knows a handful of parents that are too lazy and selfish to reciprocate and invite children over to their houses, but somehow expect the play dates to keep rolling in.

Certainly in our school said parents were very well known for this, and eventually dropped by everyone. It’s rather tiresome to see the sane shirkers palming off their dc, and sad to see their children’s circles eventually shrink and dry up and certainly isn’t mine or other parent’s responsibility! It’s their parents responsibility to ensure they are raising well rounded, balanced children that understand it is good manners to reciprocate.

This makes me a bit sad. I thought play dates are for the children. My parents used to host a couple of my friends all the time. It was never reciprocated, but they weren’t bothered as I was happy playing with my friends. As a child I didn’t think anything of it, later I found out one of my friends’s mum was in an abusive relationship (didn’t find out until nearly 20yrs later, the family were very middle class and nothing looked untoward, sadly this happens a lot), the other was a single dad and had to work all the time.

I now have a child and would do play dates it suited me and I had the time, I wouldn’t do it on a quid pro quo basis.

DD often has playdates at a friend's house, she lives right next to the school gates so will go there after school when the other mum offers!

However we have rarely been able to reciprocate as both DH and I work full time until 5:30/6pm. Should I just say no to any future play dates as we can't return then? We offered a few times to arrange something on a weekend but they are always busy with family stuff!

I think parents aren't honest enough. I tell parents we don't do sleepovers or play dates but that we do do lifts. I also don't find sending kids on playdates a good thing, they are a pita.

I've certainly repaid the sleepovers with lifts since the children have become teens, and I don't expect reciprocal lifts.

Have the parents said thank you and explained why they can’t host. If I couldn’t host I’d say why and that I was grateful that the other family had invited my child.

Absolutely my children have plenty of practice at ‘being kind’, gracious and welcoming - but usually with children that get to practice the very same skills in their houses when they invite my children over!!
That way we ALL end up with well mannered, sociable children that know how to be a good friend and a decent host 😉

I'm not, but even if I was, why punish my children?

Let's say, for arguments sake, I'm a terrible cunt. I could invite your children back. I don't. I'm laughing at you. Hosting my children when I don't reciprocate.

But why punish my 5 year old for that? My 5 year old who is kind and well behaved and who is a good friend to your DC. Why are they being punished because in a terrible cunt?

You should never punish a child for the actions of the parent.

I am not sure any child of mine would be going to your house with such foul language used so casually.

I encourage my dc to have considerate, well mannered, kind friends. CFs don’t fall into that category, and CFs usually raise equally entitled CF children that feel it’s everyone else’s job to host and organise fun stuff.

Your children’s social life is your responsibility full stop.
It’s not my problem if you can’t be bothered and are a bad example to your children. Why on earth would you imagine this is someone else’s job?! It’s called parenting.

We don’t host play dates because was have a tiny (715 square foot) flat which is too small for us without throwing extra people into the mix.

I agree @NuffSaidSam

I can think of a friend of my ds's when they were about 14, who used to come over and have tea with us after school about once a week, for a year. Never crossed my mind to stop him coming just because my ds was never invited to his. It was about 2 years later we found out just how difficult his home life had been at that point and about 10 years afterwards when he said to ds how much he appreciated just "being part of our family" for that one evening a week for those months.

OTOH, I remember that my dd was invited round to one of her friends' for tea after school, and even for sleepovers at weekends over a couple of years when they would have been about 7 - 9ish. I did bring it up with her Dad (which is who I mostly saw), that I just couldn't reciprocate, and he said that it was far easier for him to have his dd and a friend there together, than for him to have his dd there alone, and he really appreciated dd1 being such a lovely guest.

Over the years, it balances out. Sometimes you can help some person in one way, sometimes a completely different person helps you out when you need it.

However I don't see a friend coming round as 'helping out', generally. As a pp said, it is often more complicated to have one of your dc elsewhere, than it is to keep them in their usual routine.

It's your job to set a good example to your children and you're not doing that with this behaviour.

I wouldn't exclude your children, just because you're unpleasant. They might be lovely! And you should do the same for other small children.

The mistake I think you've made here is you think playdates are about you and the other parent, some kind of hosting battle! They're not. They're about the kids.

If your kids like little Zoe and want her to come over, invite her over. It doesn't matter what her parents are like. It's that simple.

And I believe deep down you know that. You know as well as anyone it's isn't a child's fault the home they come from.

There are many reasons play dates aren’t ‘returned’, smaller house, multiple other children to accommodate to name a few.
Ultimately play dates are for the benefit of your own child so I don’t really think it’s something that needs to go back and forth. You aren’t doing the other parent some big favour.

I disagree. Parenting is not that. You’re perpetuating the cycle and treating these children as an extension of their parents. Let’s say they do have shit parents, but letting them come over and playing nicely with your children - then everyone is getting a benefit. My best friend had shit alcoholic parents (not that outsiders would notice), her best friend (me) was lucky enough to have parents that didn’t care about stuff like that. It was her sanctuary and she’s now a top professional with two amazing children. People are sometimes shit, but as a child, if you’re lucky enough to have others that care about you, it teaches you that all is not bad in the world.

So take the children to the park? As a play date?

Playdates generally aren't helpful or a favour to anyone, they are just a thing.
If someone takes my dd for a playdate I'm not winning at life, I've still got a toddler. If I take someone else's child they've still got other dc to mind, have to come to mine to collect their dc which may be a pita for them.

I don't find hosting hard work at all, after all I'm setting the date, time, location...its just an extra pizza to throw in the oven and the dc entertain themselves.

I really fail to see the angst and the bean counting around it.

We tend to host more for ds than he gets invited back. But I know a lot of his friends’ families either don’t have much space, work all the hours or have multiple younger dc (ds is youngest of two, and Dd a teenager who manages her own social life). So I sort of feel like we’re more in a position too. I mean I work a lot, but I do play dates in the holidays.

I’m glad other parents round here aren’t as militant as some on here.

we can’t host play dates for the younger children. With my youngest medical equipment theres just not space and playing upstairs simply isn’t safe with the amount of medication around (my kids have been trained from very young not to touch, but I wouldn’t trust other children not to).

Also given the number of sudden hospital admission (4 this year alone) I couldn’t have other kids over knowing they could be randomly left with the other kids/MIl/BIL and I certainly wouldn’t have the time to wait for the parent to arrive.

thankfully everyone is very understanding and is happy that when the kids are older they’ll be able to come and go as my older kids do with their friends.

Previously I used to do them without caring if people reciprocated. They’re not a favour for the other parent - they’re something my child wanted to do.