Playdates there always one sided

[Douse]

Playdates always seem one sided for us . My children have friends over for tea and a play but the offer is never received back to the friends house . Its something that really bothers and makes me not want to carry on having playdates

I think if you host a play date and that parent doesn’t reciprocate at some point then you don’t organise a second. There must be others that do reciprocate.

@NuffSaidSam
Nope.

I get that.

But you should.

Maybe try thinking about how you'd feel if it happened to your child? That might help you.

There's a difference between play dates that are after school with tea, weekends or school holidays. Many families won't be able to do after school if they are both working, and then they would also have busy weekends with family time. Half terms and holidays you then have to both be at home on the same days rather than on holiday or visiting family elsewhere in the country. There are lots of reasons why play dates are not reciprocated but parents working hours is often a major one. When my children were small at different stages in my career I was able to host after school with no expectation of reciprocation, and at other times I was not able to host. It's often not about you or your DC but about how family life works in those families.

Oh I’d always give bottles of wine for the adult / snacks for children and parent when my children where going on regular play dates I couldn’t do in reverse.

Me too @OhmygodDont

I guess it depends on the age of your child but if they have a good school friend and enjoy spending time with them, I would
keep inviting them for the sake of your child.

I don't host playdates because all of DC's school friends have much bigger houses with a separate play room and somewhere for an extra adult (or 4) to sit whereas our house is a bit small for DC1 to comfortably play by themselves even more so if the baby gym for DC2 is out. The only seating we have is a 3 seater sofa so assuming 2 adults and 2 children I don't think it would be very comfortable for anyone. I feel guilty about it and would love to reciprocate but its just not practical space wise. I arrange play dates at soft play instead but of course this costs everyone money so it's not ideal either so I don't organise them very often. Do you know why they don't reciprocate? For me its lack of space, which it could be for them too, or it might be tricky for other reasons e.g. my DH works from home in the living room so its not possible to have a weekday play date because it would essentially be in his office. I can understand how you feel but ultimately if your DC is having a good time that's the main thing? My SIL doesn't host play dates because she feels that her house is too messy/would be ashamed to let others see it (DC2 has additional needs and she has mobility problems herself which makes it harder for her too), it could be something like that too.

What's your child's behaviour like when they are on a playdate?

There is one child who usually asks my child for a playdate- her Mum is very busy and she wants someone to keep her occupied. That's fair enough. There's plenty of space and they usually end up running around the garden. Sometimes my child says yes and sometimes no as she can't be bothered to put up with the child's behaviour.

The others child behaviour when they come to our house is poor. She has been caught taking something from my daughters jewellery box, she's rude and not well behaved. So we don't invite her back but we will help if Mum needs help with pick-ups etc. We did have an elderly rescue cat, who while very placid, didn't like being picked up. She insisted she was going to pick him up/pulling at him- until I told her she would be packed into the car and taken home that minute if she bothered the poor cat anymore. That resulted in a huge huff, so we ended up taking her home anyway.

Op you don't know what's going on in other people's houses that they can't reciprocate. If your child enjoys having friends over what's the big deal.

It's all a lot less fucking stressful and doesn't take up nearly as much space on your tit for tat spreadsheet of pluses and minuses if you think of it as "kids playing in each other's houses" rather than some military obligatory "now we shall have fun and craft with an organic fruit juice" set up.
(I was a hoster rather than a hostee- win win. Chuck a biscuit in the bedroom every so often, let them get on with the Lego while you do something not dominated by a 5 year old)

I've always regarded a play date as being about the DCs having company, socialising and enjoying themselves. It isn't about shared child care or a free meal. I didn't mind if we didn't get invited back, as long as DS had a good time.

Now he's older, he has a nice group of mates so they are usually welcome. A couple of extras for home made lunch doesn't cost much.

Lots of parents don't have time after school or at the weekends because they don't work office hours. Or they have home lives that are difficult. I grew up in a house where my df wouldn't tolerate visitors. Good thing my friends' parents didn't mind.

I think this is the problem. Just calling it playdate rather than just having a friend over makes it sound like such a big thing. Me and my friends were constantly in and out of each others houses growing up. Nobody kept a score, none of the parents cared they just carried on with their day as planned. I had the same attitude with my kids, they could always have friends over, I didn't care if they were also going to their friends houses or not. Some of their friends had horribly strict and boring parents so I always understood why they'd rather be at our house and had no problem with it. My kids are now adult/late teens and I miss the days of having a fuller house.

You just know all those arguing it's completely fine and reasonable for their child to have the fun of play dates and being at someone else's house while yours doesn't cannot be arsed to return a favour.

Because play dates are a favour for the parent and hopefully a treat for the child.

As with everything some people put themselves out and some don't. And yes, I've got stuck with siblings too 🙄

Except lots of us have said that isn't the case. We're just more understanding that some kids, for whatever reasons, don't have their friends round to play.

I'm.just gonna put out there that there arent many situations where a playdate cant be accommodated...
Living with wider family, understandable.
A house with work going on, same.
Special needs layout or sibling, ditto.

Living miles away - ok, but it would be possible to invite at the weekend.
Living in a small home - most people can accommodate one child and adult for an hour.
A working from home parent - well, if it's full time then they probably need to look at an office or noise cancelling headphones or a coffee shop or putting up with some noise for an hour now and again or at the weekend.

Interested to hear about other situations which mean an hour's play and a coffee cant be hosted by most people.

I don’t keep score. My DD does.

She notices that she’s not been invited back and gets upset by it. This puts me off inviting the other child back again because DD will inevitably ask “but why is it at our house again”.

And it’s not because the other child’s parents can’t do playdates. They do. They just haven’t invited DD 😕 She is unfortunately just not at the top of people’s lists.

There are advantages to being the one who hosts the playdate. My kids actually prefer if the playdate is at our house as I can tolerate quite a lot of noise and running around, whereas some other mums have more strict rules and get upset if there is noise. Having the playdate at our own house also allows me to observe how the children are treating each other and step in if there is bullying or bad behavior, whereas I don't know how the other parent is handling this if it's at a different house. It also allows me to teach social rules that I like - how to share, etc. Many children have told me they like that they feel welcome at our home. So I don't always mind if parents do not reciprocate.

However if I sense I'm being used as free babysitting, or the other parents are taking advantage (e.g. not picking up the child at the agreed time, being unreachable in case of emergency), or the other parents are unable/unwilling to work with me so that my family is not overly inconvenienced by being the only hosts (e.g. sending their child to a playdate sick), then I stop having playdates with those children. I host when it works for me but I'm under no obligation to be someone else's doormat. It's a judgement call.

As my kids have grown older, the balance of locations of playdates and "get togethers" has shifted, so I've had a lot fewer at my house and there are other parents who have "taken over" the bulk of the get togethers, because their house is more central, an easier drive for new driver kids, etc. Those mums might feel that they are getting too much burden now, I don't know. At the same time, older kids are more independent and it's a matter of reminding them all to chip in some cash if they are going to get a pizza, not so much about making sure 5 or 6 unruly toddlers aren't wandering into the street or choking to death on Legos. Personally I found the toddlers MUCH more exhausting. Teenagers can be loud and opinionated but generally know how to cross the street.

I’m guessing it’s just me who doesn’t see my children going for play dates as a favour? It’s actually a bit of a fuck on for me!
if I’m at work it’s a fuck on getting them picked up after play date by someone, instead of the usual they go straight to my mums from school. If I’m off it’s also annoying to have to go back out after I’ve got in and try to work dinner around picking them back up!

so as much as I love the fact that my kids have fun at others’ houses I really, really don’t see it as a favour so I wouldn’t be too bothered if someone didn’t reciprocate.

i reciprocate though!

There are lots of reasons in addition to the ones you've given. Perhaps there is domestic violence, perhaps they have a dog that's isn't friendly with strange children, perhaps one of the parents is physically or mentally unwell, perhaps there is a sibling with commitments which make playdates difficult, perhaps there are loads of siblings, perhaps they're really struggling to heat their home and don't want to invite someone back when it's freezing etc. Etc. Etc.

But that isn't even the point.

The point is that you shouldn't visit the sins of the parent on the child. Maybe there is no reason and the parents are just cheeky fuckers. Maybe they're awful, lazy, nasty people rubbing their hands together with glee about what a mug you are to always host their child when they never return the favour. But that's not the child's fault is it? And the child should not suffer as a result.

I'm always the host. Invitations are rarely reciprocated. The mums have made it clear that they don't want the extra mess/noise etc in their houses. D#cks.

I agree with both of these.

If your dc wants someone round to play, and you can facilitate it, then why wouldn't you ?

I've never understood this MN thing of keeping score - be that having dc round to your house, giving lifts, or something else.

Its he same for us. There are a couple of friends who we take turns with but some only ever come over.

I feel bad for my kids as they are desperate to go to some of their friends houses and aren't sure why they arent invited. However I'll keep doing it for a few reasons. If I stopped hosying I feel like I'd be denying my kids. And they really enjoy it, and I feel like I get a bit of a break if they have kids to play with. And actually I think some people have really good reasons for not having people over. Some parents told me they run a business from home so are short of space and it's a bit tricky for them, which is fair enough

Totally agree with this

Snap and I understand in some instances why not- a sibling of a child having SEN, too many other siblings etc- but it’s hard when your child says “can I go to so and sos house”- I explain you can’t invite yourself but then we’re always hosting, always spending money, always giving other adults a break, always cleaning up.
Its annoying my tbh!