Been caught at it by the kids

[EmpressOfTheSofa]

How the ever loving fuck do I live this down?

Middle child, 19, has just let herself not only into the house but into our room with three friends in tow.

We were in bed. It’s a very very rare Saturday that I’m not at work and the youngest is out. So obviously we made the most of it.

We heard her key in the door (she was at work until midnight as far as we knew), scrambled, but then she flung our bedroom door open to find us in a state of trying to throw clothes on. Two lads and another girl right behind her on the landing. She was looking for my straighteners to borrow. She thought we were out.

I’m fucking furious as well as embarrassed. But what the fuck. How do I deal with this? Is it our fault for not always expecting her home? Hers for having zero boundaries?

who is at fault here? And how should I approach this?

Don’t worry this is a good thing

Today she learned why she has to respect your privacy and boundaries

well I’m sure she’ll learn to knock after that. I was always bloody terrified of walking in on my parents and started knocking as soon as i learned about the birds and the bees because I took the hint that that is how I came to be! So your daughter clearly just didn’t get the hint that sometimes her parents like to be naked together. Well she learned her lesson! 😂

We used to catch our mum and dad at it all time, it was mortifying at the moment but hilarious to us ‘kids’ shortly after/now, it’s part of life, they’ll probably be glad you’re doing with each other than anyone else (that was our feelings anyway). Don’t worry too much!

There's more to this than being caught having sex. What is wrong with her that she has reached the age of 19 without learning common courtesy, respect for her parents, ordinary boundaries and discretion?

As above I'd take the door to her room off her hinges and get a lock for mine. Or insist she move out. No fucking way would she be trooping friends up to the bedroom area of my house under any circumstances.

Let her see how fast her future houseshare mates get sick of her roughshod behaviour.

I think it's time she moved out. She seems to have absolutely zero respect for you.

You have every right to be doing whatever you please in your own bedroom.

And she has zero right to your straighteners or clothes.

At the very least it's time for a lock on your door.

I have tried everything over the years. Bollockings, groundings, taking stuff away; even buying her the same things so she has her own. She is a magpie and I’ve never been able to make her have respect for other peoples space. If you have an answer I’d love to hear it.

Her room is her own. And I’ve kept that as a hard line because I can’t see how I can set my own boundaries if I’m invading hers. But that’s just led to her being precious about her own and not about anyone else’s. Her brothers’ stuff is also apparently fair game. She would lose her shit if someone took her stuff or went in her room.

DH has just said that he thinks we are at fault. The kids should have free rein to come and go. Fuckeroo.

Oh mate. We were far from under the duvet.

Oh mate. We were far from under the duvet.

I love this line 😂😂😂

Regarding the sex, she’ll be more embarrassed than you and will wait after knocking in future. The issue is her stealing your stuff. Put a lock on the bedroom door and keep it locked until she can behave like an adult!

This could work in your favour.

If you catch her stealing your undies again, look her in the eye and tell her that is one of DHs favourites - she'll soon stop borrowing them if she thinks they are all used for sex!

But in all seriousness-

You need to sit her down together and tell her that your room is off limits and that she's not to barge in, isn't allowed anyone over for a set period of time and have a very strong word about her behaviour.

You have a DH problem.

I'd get a lock for my door and then start removing stuff from her room. And tell her if she cant learn to knock she may be banned from havving a house key.

OP, my youngest child is like your DD (mine is an 18 yr old DD), and always has been. She knows no boundaries, and seems hurt and astonished and angry when I am pissed off, yet again, for taking my stuff. I now lock my door when I go out. I also have the same issue with her defending her own boundaries (even though nobody ever takes anything from her room or goes in it without knocking and waiting for an answer).

If I had a DH to be shagging with, my DD would definitely knock and waltz straight in with her friends. If she caught me shagging, though, I'd be telling her and her friends in no uncertain terms that catching your parents shagging is what happens when you don't respect other people's space and boundaries.

If anyone has any suggestions for a DD who is impervious to any and all forms of bribery/punishment/gentle talkings-to/bollockings/buying her stuff so she doesn't feel justified in nicking mine, then please make them.

Well...she won't be doing that again...
😉🤭

Well, your DH's attitude would enrage me. No wonder she has no boundaries if he's undermining you all this time.

If you really have tried everything to stop her thievery, and that's what it is, then i'd ask her to leave. If you feel you cannot do that, get a lock for your door, take away her house key and insist on a family counseling. It sounds as though she has some sort of disorder.

I’m sorry but part of this is on you. You should have stopped this as soon as it started. I would have straight up shamed my daughter and told her that’s disgusting and I’m not sharing my underwear with her. I would even go so far as to over share all that things too might go in my underwear and escalate the gross factor each time she wore a pair until she got the hint.

Pile all of her stuff in bin bags and leave her with a bed, three changes of clothing and maybe a lamp. Get rid of the rest. TAke the door off the hinges. Put locks on all of the other doors.

Tell her if she doesn't like your rules she can figure out where and how to live on your own.

I would have the biggest lock on my door if she was stealing my stuff.

That’s really cute. You have sex under the duvet all nice like. 😂 Is it missionary for you every single time?

Sounds like you need to lock your bedroom door when you arent even in it if at 19 she thinks is ok to be helping herself to expensive cosmetics etc

This. There is nothing to "deal with" here- you've done nothing wrong. She on the other hand is incredibly rude and out of order bringing random people into your bedroom. I mean, WTAF?- is she always this rude?

Thanks for your response OP. I am going to second the suggestion of family counselling.

If she won't take it from you, it could be worth having an external party spell out for her how poor her behaviour is and how much damage it is causing her family.

You shouldn't have bothered to scramble around getting dressed, you should have just grabbed the duvet and stayed in bed. Likewise you shouldn't have bothered with daft excuses about putting the washing away. You're entitled to be in bed on a Saturday afternoon, whether it's for sex, sleep or whatever. As soon as your daughter told you you were gross, you should have told her the only gross person was her for coming to take your stuff when she's been told a million times not to.

And start locking your bedroom door. You shouldn't have to do that to stop a 19 year old from nicking your things, but it looks like it may be your only recourse till she learns.

A bit late now to tell her & her mates to fuck off., but you can still give her a bollocking.
And "borrowing" your things? I call that stealing.

Oh mate. We were far from under the duvet.

Good for you, @EmpressOfTheSofa !

Maybe time for a name change?! 🤔

But if you can't trust your dd not to steal your stuff, you should put a lock on your door. That's just not on.

Install a bedroom door lock