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AIBU?

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Original poster

Been caught at it by the kids

366 replies

EmpressOfTheSofa · 04/02/2023 16:11

How the ever loving fuck do I live this down?

Middle child, 19, has just let herself not only into the house but into our room with three friends in tow.

We were in bed. It’s a very very rare Saturday that I’m not at work and the youngest is out. So obviously we made the most of it.

We heard her key in the door (she was at work until midnight as far as we knew), scrambled, but then she flung our bedroom door open to find us in a state of trying to throw clothes on. Two lads and another girl right behind her on the landing. She was looking for my straighteners to borrow. She thought we were out.

I’m fucking furious as well as embarrassed. But what the fuck. How do I deal with this? Is it our fault for not always expecting her home? Hers for having zero boundaries?

who is at fault here? And how should I approach this?

OP posts:
whataboutsecondbreakfast · 04/02/2023 17:42

mackthepony · 04/02/2023 17:17

Gross and embarrassing??!

She needs to grow up

Oh, come off it.

The vast, vast majority of teenagers find the idea of their parents having sex gross and embarrassing - let alone facing the reality of it Grin

Dacadactyl · 04/02/2023 17:47

She's an adult, she will have assumed you have sec.

Now she knows you have sex.

It's not an issue. I'd have just told her "Get out! We're just making ourselves decent. Make sure you knock next time or you might see more than you bargained for." End of story.

I wouldn't address it with her other than that.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/02/2023 17:47

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 04/02/2023 17:42

Oh, come off it.

The vast, vast majority of teenagers find the idea of their parents having sex gross and embarrassing - let alone facing the reality of it Grin

Show quote history

@whataboutsecondbreakfast

shes nearly twenty years old

she is only facing the reality of it cos she’s entitled enough to think it’s ok to go in her parents room with her mates

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/02/2023 17:48

SpringtimeCherries · 04/02/2023 17:42

You definitely shouldn’t blame her, she will be embarrassed as well - most teenagers do not ever want to think of their parents having sex! Just shrug it off and light heartedly say ‘knock before hand, right’ - and make sure you knock before entering her room as well.

@SpringtimeCherries

she is to blame though

she should not have been going into her parents bedroom

eatdrinkandbemerry · 04/02/2023 17:50

She's 19 not 9 so I wouldn't be trying to explain myself I'd be giving her a roasting for barging into my room especially with friends in tow!
Doesn't matter if she though you was out it's your personal space.

Silvers11 · 04/02/2023 17:52

OutFortheBirds · 04/02/2023 16:27

Sounds like DD thought you were out, which is an easy mistake.

But your daughter bringing a group of pals into your room is out of order actually, IMO
I’d not be ok with her bringing her pals to my room. At 19 you should be wise to that.

i know you’re mortified, but I too would style it out. You’re allowed to have sex in your room. They all know what sex is. She’ll probs be more mortified. That’s what she gets 😂

This!! Daughter should be apologising profusely to you for bringing her friends up the stairs to your room

Original poster
EmpressOfTheSofa · 04/02/2023 17:52

Car in driveway - not an indicator of whether we’re in as I get the bus to work and if DH is out with his brother on a Saturday he gets a lift.

DD has her boyfriend over frequently, and the one before. No prudishness here, but just being caught in half a bra by a gaggle of teenagers has finished me. And then I got dressed and left the room to have to slalom past a line of kids of the stairs. Which is when I said haha just putting the washing away. Hate myself for that but I’m sure you can imagine trying to say something.

We heard her come in the door, scrambled for clothes and shouted ‘we’re upstairs’ but did not expect the door to be banged right open immediately. Her side of the story is she wanted to use my straighteners and had no inkling we’d be doing anything gross and disgusting. I think she’s as embarrassed as me and fronting it out.

We have had boundary issues for such a long time (she went through a £70 moisturiser of mine in two days, wears my underwear, my hair stuff is apparently fair game. I’m at my wits end tbh) that this might be a good thing.

OP posts:
whataboutsecondbreakfast · 04/02/2023 17:53

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/02/2023 17:47

@whataboutsecondbreakfast

shes nearly twenty years old

she is only facing the reality of it cos she’s entitled enough to think it’s ok to go in her parents room with her mates

Show quote history

And what 19 year old wants to think about their parents sex life? Hmm

She may be in the wrong but that doesn't mean she can't find the whole thing absolutely mortifying.

Jakethekid · 04/02/2023 17:54

She wears your underwear?? What in the world ?

Original poster
EmpressOfTheSofa · 04/02/2023 17:55

Jakethekid · 04/02/2023 17:54

She wears your underwear?? What in the world ?

Don’t even get me started. Socks, knickers, bras. Even nice ones. All ‘borrowed’.

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 04/02/2023 17:56

It is appalling that she has these boundary issues. She is at fault and you need to chew her out about it. Do not let her see that you are embarrassed. She was entirely in the wrong. I would also get a lock for your bedroom door so that she can't get into your room to 'borrow' stuff in the future

Roundabout78 · 04/02/2023 17:57

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 04/02/2023 17:53

And what 19 year old wants to think about their parents sex life? Hmm

She may be in the wrong but that doesn't mean she can't find the whole thing absolutely mortifying.

Show quote history

If she doesn’t want to think about it, that’s easily solved by not barging into her parent room isn’t it.
gobsmacked at how this woman is being infantilised on this thread. She is 19 years old, not 13.

dapsnotplimsolls · 04/02/2023 17:59

It sounds like you need a proper lock on the door, not just a sex bolt!

BatshitBanshee · 04/02/2023 18:00

If she was under 18 I'd take her door off the hinges till she learns about privacy and boundaries.

Since she's over 18 then I'd show her the door. No respect for you, your things or your privacy and then to call you gross? She can get to fuck. The longer you passively tolerate this, the longer it will go on. You wouldn't take it from a lodger. She doesn't get the right to treat you like that just because you spawned her.

ColdHandsHotHead · 04/02/2023 18:01

Honestly, it's all on her. You were having a quiet shag in your bedroom with the door shut. It serves her right. Maybe she's learned something about boundaries today.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 04/02/2023 18:01

Roundabout78 · 04/02/2023 17:57

If she doesn’t want to think about it, that’s easily solved by not barging into her parent room isn’t it.
gobsmacked at how this woman is being infantilised on this thread. She is 19 years old, not 13.

Show quote history

Sure, I'm not saying she was in the right.

But it's happened now and the natural consequence is that everyone is embarrassed and feeling a bit awkward.

ProudThrilledHappy · 04/02/2023 18:01

Does she live in the house with you?

user1501270679 · 04/02/2023 18:02

Are there any penalties for this behaviour/complete lack of boundaries?

I say this as my middle sibling was very similar with her 'borrowing', and nothing, not anything would stop her doing what OP has described to my mother.

She didn't like it, but shrugged it off as she felt there was nothing that would stop her. If I had had even 10% of the level of entitlement my little sister had I would have been disinherited.

TBH it was part of a pattern of favouritism that led to a level of entitlement from my sister that proved quite damaging to our sibling relationship, and still is. Just something to consider/bear in mind.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/02/2023 18:03

JudgeRinderonTinder · 04/02/2023 16:17

Wtf was she doing bringing other people up your stairs and into your bedroom? That is your private space, it’s one thing being your DD (and bad enough in the circs) but her mates are a different thing entirely. This is what I’d be most furious about! There’s no need for them to be anywhere near your bedroom!

This.

She is seriously lacking in boundaries. I'd take her house key from her, quite frankly. Flinging open a bedroom door is reprehensible no matter whose dwelling on is in.

fanjosaysi · 04/02/2023 18:05

Why would in not just stay in bed and pretend to be asleep?!?!?!?! You stood up when naked rather than stay under the duvetConfused

Lalliella · 04/02/2023 18:05

Hahaha that’ll learn her!

Gerwurtztraminer · 04/02/2023 18:05

She's not "borrowing" your stuff. Borrowing requires the prior consent of the lender. Without it, that's stealing and taking the piss. 'd be telling her she has to move out and buy her own moisturiser, knickers and bras. She'll soon learn flatmates don't put up with that behaviour.

In the meantime I'd get a proper lock for your bedroom door and also randomly fling open her door and take stuff she values.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/02/2023 18:05

EmpressOfTheSofa · 04/02/2023 17:10

She’s not allowed in my room. Years and years of telling her not to. But I have all the good stuff…straighteners, hairdryer, perfume. She has her own stuff but not as good apparently.

I don’t know if the others were heading in to our room but they were certainly hovering rather than on their way to her room.

She did knock! But it was ‘knock and then open the door’.

She thought we were out. I’d usually be at work and DH out with his brother so car on the drive anyway.

I made it a million times worse when I emerged by saying ‘oh I was just putting washing away’ and she stared at me with a raised eyebrow. I’m raising a monster. Before she left I asked wtf and she said I was gross and embarrassing. I KNOW I’m not at fault here but Jesus she made me feel I was.

I would not allow outsiders into the private/upstairs/bedroom area of the house under any circumstances. She can entertain her friends in the living room or see them elsewhere.

Take her keys, get a lock on your door and take the door off her room for a month. Let her see what it's like to have others not respect your boundaries.

saleorbouy · 04/02/2023 18:06

There's nothing for you to deal with. It's your time in your private space.
She barged in so she has to confront what she saw.
Perhaps she'll learn some manners and the common courtesy of knocking and waiting, surely she was aware you were home?

Cosyblankets · 04/02/2023 18:07

You're the one in your own bed with your own partner.
How dare she just walk in
I would be putting a lock on the door