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AIBU?

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Original poster

Been caught at it by the kids

366 replies

EmpressOfTheSofa · 04/02/2023 16:11

How the ever loving fuck do I live this down?

Middle child, 19, has just let herself not only into the house but into our room with three friends in tow.

We were in bed. It’s a very very rare Saturday that I’m not at work and the youngest is out. So obviously we made the most of it.

We heard her key in the door (she was at work until midnight as far as we knew), scrambled, but then she flung our bedroom door open to find us in a state of trying to throw clothes on. Two lads and another girl right behind her on the landing. She was looking for my straighteners to borrow. She thought we were out.

I’m fucking furious as well as embarrassed. But what the fuck. How do I deal with this? Is it our fault for not always expecting her home? Hers for having zero boundaries?

who is at fault here? And how should I approach this?

OP posts:
ensayers · 05/02/2023 18:51

Parents and group of teenagers both presumed they were alone in the house.
It's just a very unfortunate coincidence.

So long as none of the kids were filming at the time and decided to stick it on insta then I'd just drop it!

Scarriff · 05/02/2023 18:51

No one should be barging into anyone else's bedroom without knocking. End of.

Mandyjack · 05/02/2023 18:56

At that age she's old enough to know better. You don't just go into someone's bedroom without knocking and especially with 3 friends in tow. She could've called out when she entered the house

EmmaEmerald · 05/02/2023 18:56

OP "DH has just said that he thinks we are at fault. The kids should have free rein to come and go. Fuckeroo."

I know someone who had the same row with her DH after a younger teen walked in on them. She ended up going with what he said. I wondered if he was looking for an excuse not to have sex.

the kids are now adults who have no respect for their folks - and he has the audacity to blame her.

re the taking stuff, I'd have a lock on your door. Unacceptable.

slowquickstep · 05/02/2023 18:57

KangarooKenny · 04/02/2023 16:19

Put a lock on your door.

Why should The other adults in the house should have respect for other peoples spaces.

EmmaEmerald · 05/02/2023 18:57

Gardeningpot · 05/02/2023 17:45

Wjat has she done wrong though? Lol she only walked into your room, obviously didn't know you two would be half naked or she wouldn't have her friends behind her 😅

I don't think anyone is at fault and even if you need to address it ?! I remember doing it myself on my parents, we all got over it without bringing up the awkward convo!

Did you read all of OP posts?

Zanatdy · 05/02/2023 18:58

She’s out of order for barging in your bedroom like that, with friends too. I’d be furious. Get a lock for your door, but I bet she won’t do it again.

Mandyjack · 05/02/2023 18:58

Think you need a lock on the door. She wouldn't like it if you helped yourself to her stuff

Joyjoj · 05/02/2023 19:00

Your Daughter is so wrong,always had a rule if door of room is shut you knock first.Shes 19 for god sakes.

Pommie69 · 05/02/2023 19:03

Learning experience?
Is she likely to be mortified too?
You are the grown up here,
You get to define this.

ColdHandsHotHead · 05/02/2023 19:03

EmpressOfTheSofa · 04/02/2023 18:13

I have tried everything over the years. Bollockings, groundings, taking stuff away; even buying her the same things so she has her own. She is a magpie and I’ve never been able to make her have respect for other peoples space. If you have an answer I’d love to hear it.

Her room is her own. And I’ve kept that as a hard line because I can’t see how I can set my own boundaries if I’m invading hers. But that’s just led to her being precious about her own and not about anyone else’s. Her brothers’ stuff is also apparently fair game. She would lose her shit if someone took her stuff or went in her room.

DH has just said that he thinks we are at fault. The kids should have free rein to come and go. Fuckeroo.

Show quote history

Well, there's your answer. Stop respecting her space. Give her a taste of her own medicine. Do it to the extent that she moves out.

bringincrazyback · 05/02/2023 19:13

Oscarsdaddy · 05/02/2023 17:34

She’s 19. I’m sure she knows by now who she was conceived, what’s more natural than two people making love ?

Knowing how conception happens is completely irrelevant here. Surely you (and pps who've said similar things) would be mortified just like the OP if this happened to you?

OP, I can only imagine the embarrassment but at least it's hopefully taught her a lasting lesson re privacy and not barging into people's bedrooms!

rainbow · 05/02/2023 19:14

@EmpressOfTheSofa

My younger sister was the same as your daughter. She was grounded, had bollockings, the same brands as me or mum, you name it my mum tried it. Literally, the only thing that worked was taking it back. So if she took my cleansing cream, mum allowed me to take hers. If she took mum's hair dryer, mum took hers. She got so pissed but mum just repeated if you don't like it being done to you, don't do it to others. Several tantrums later, she stopped.

The best thing is, now my niece is 15, she is "helping herself" 🤣

Alcemeg · 05/02/2023 19:19

Before she left I asked wtf and she said I was gross and embarrassing. I KNOW I’m not at fault here but Jesus she made me feel I was

This makes me so sad for you, OP.

There are far worse things for her to have witnessed than her parents actually being into each other.

Fairylightsandstuff · 05/02/2023 19:29

It’s no one’s fault, make a joke of it and I’m sure she’ll be more careful next time.

MotherOfHouseplants · 05/02/2023 19:30

Brazen it out, OP. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. How dare she make you feel that way? She's experiencing the natural consequence of never respecting anyone's boundaries and if this is such a problem for her then maybe it is time for her to move out.

katepilar · 05/02/2023 19:31

Not an experience I would like to have, I have to say :/
Trying to imagine why did she think you are not at home. Impossible for me but then my family live in a flat so its either front door locked or its not.

WhiteNoiseMoreToys · 05/02/2023 19:41

Ah, I was 19 not so long ago. If I caught my mum at it I’d just apologise, close the door and shrug it off. We have a ‘talk about anything’ relationship and sex is normal; she’s a married woman so I’d be more surprised if she wasn’t having sex tbh.

I would however be a bit miffed that she was going to rummage my room with her friends in tow. Friends stay on the landing/downstairs if something is needed from my bedroom.

Although my eldest is 3 years old so we’re not quite there yet😂

Sillyname63 · 05/02/2023 19:45

Either you put a lock on all bedroom doors, so she hasn't got access to your stuff or her brothers, but like wise she has one on her door too so you won't need to get into her room, at 19 she is more than old enough to make and change her bed and keep the room clean. She can have a basket outside for her clean washing but has to put her dirty clothes in the laundry basket her self.

katepilar · 05/02/2023 19:53

You are not at fault. You were not doing anything gross or embarrasing (as in sex isnt embarrasing thing to do). Its embarrasing for her to go in like that.

AnnieSnap · 05/02/2023 20:14

Just calm down. You were enjoying a bit of afternoon delight. It’s perfectly normal. Very cringey moment for all concerned to be sure, but it’s part of normal life. Just laugh it off FFS!

RealeyesRealizeReallies · 05/02/2023 20:22

Try not to worry about it! But do get a lock for your bedroom door, and possibly your son's. She has no boundaries and sounds v entitled.

What you did wasn't 'gross and embarrassing', it's called being in a relationship and having a healthy sex life.

Please don't be embarrassed.

MumOf2workOptions · 05/02/2023 20:24

rainbow · 05/02/2023 19:14

@EmpressOfTheSofa

My younger sister was the same as your daughter. She was grounded, had bollockings, the same brands as me or mum, you name it my mum tried it. Literally, the only thing that worked was taking it back. So if she took my cleansing cream, mum allowed me to take hers. If she took mum's hair dryer, mum took hers. She got so pissed but mum just repeated if you don't like it being done to you, don't do it to others. Several tantrums later, she stopped.

The best thing is, now my niece is 15, she is "helping herself" 🤣

I mean a bit off topic but....

Am I missing something?? When I was a teenager my mum just bought me what I needed in terms of hairdryer, straighteners or rather "crimpers and rollers" back in the day, and make up and toiletries and sanitary towels and clothing etc

I never had the need to go into my mums room and I'll make sure my daughter has what she needs aswell

This just seems a ridiculous situation to not give her what she needs.

KAYMACK · 05/02/2023 20:30

"I’m fucking furious as well as embarrassed. But what the fuck."

To be honest, you sound like an "Eastenders" family in which mother and daughter have a cat-fight in the street over the same man, so I would not really let it bother you. Own it.

SleepyMathematician · 05/02/2023 20:39

WiddlinDiddlin · 05/02/2023 18:20

I'd be blunt and to the point, and I would be forgetting all about boundaries as far as her room is concerned - follow her lead.

'We were fucking, it's our house, our room, no one was home, and you shouldn't have walked in. If you think it is 'disgusting' for a married couple to have sex in their own room, in their own house, it is YOU who has a problem'.

I might go further and add 'since you seem not to care about boundaries and manners, from now on we will not bother with using our room and will fuck anywhere we damn well like in our house when everyone else is out.'

Maybe being called out, properly, on her behaviour and finding people help themselves to stuff in her room will make her see sense (or, move out, either way, win win).

I’d absolutely be taking this approach if she isn’t respecting your boundaries. I’d be saying, “you barge into our room, that’s what happens. If you don’t want to see your father and I engaging in a marathon shag every time you come in to nick my hair straighteners, you’d better start respecting my space”.

If you’ve tried everything else and nothing has worked this could be just the catalyst you need. Mine are in their early 20s, so just a bit older than your DD, and I’ve always made it very clear that unless they want to be employing regular brain bleach, they don’t come into our room without permission. And if they don’t want to find items they’d rather not think about their parents using, they don’t go through our drawers to borrow stuff either (if you don’t own any sex toys, I’d be investing in one to keep by the hair straighteners). Be blunt over this, not a hint of embarrassment. It works!