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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been caught at it by the kids

366 replies

EmpressOfTheSofa · 04/02/2023 16:11

How the ever loving fuck do I live this down?

Middle child, 19, has just let herself not only into the house but into our room with three friends in tow.

We were in bed. It’s a very very rare Saturday that I’m not at work and the youngest is out. So obviously we made the most of it.

We heard her key in the door (she was at work until midnight as far as we knew), scrambled, but then she flung our bedroom door open to find us in a state of trying to throw clothes on. Two lads and another girl right behind her on the landing. She was looking for my straighteners to borrow. She thought we were out.

I’m fucking furious as well as embarrassed. But what the fuck. How do I deal with this? Is it our fault for not always expecting her home? Hers for having zero boundaries?

who is at fault here? And how should I approach this?

OP posts:
cavalier · 05/02/2023 17:30

Lesson learned for both of you

dont live in the past … what can be achieved ?
Leave it …
that’s life and sh*t happens
domt fall out with her .. life is far too short believe me …. They should all be embarrassed… mortifying all round but hey … it’s in the past …

Oscarsdaddy · 05/02/2023 17:34

She’s 19. I’m sure she knows by now who she was conceived, what’s more natural than two people making love ?

Arniesleftleg · 05/02/2023 17:34

She sounds delightful, and just like my 14 year old! I can see where she's heading in 5 years time 😳

Doggate1 · 05/02/2023 17:41

First of all be grateful you are still doing it and went just catching up on sleep 😴 🤣🤣🤣… get a lock on your door or put a hat on the handle … at least she didn’t catch the sausage in the bun 🙈🙈🤣🤣🤣🤩🤩and you weren’t on your knees … so many things to be happy about

Gardeningpot · 05/02/2023 17:45

Wjat has she done wrong though? Lol she only walked into your room, obviously didn't know you two would be half naked or she wouldn't have her friends behind her 😅

I don't think anyone is at fault and even if you need to address it ?! I remember doing it myself on my parents, we all got over it without bringing up the awkward convo!

momtoboys · 05/02/2023 17:46

LOL! She won't do that again!

Nanny0gg · 05/02/2023 17:48

KimberleyClark · 04/02/2023 19:38

Could you get a lockable box to keep at least your perfume and expensive moisturiser in, so if she wants to borrow it she has to ask you - or earn the money to get some of her own.
Or just stop respecting her privacy and treat her like she treats you.

I'd be far rather just have a lock on the door.. Although it'll be a pain to carry a key around.

OP - your daughter has her boyfriend to stay does she? How would she like her privacy invaded?

Is she moving out anytime soon? Going to college/uni? Getting a job?

exaltedwombat · 05/02/2023 17:48

How wonderful! Now you can spend the rest of your lives arguing over who was most traumatised, you or her!

CellophaneFlower · 05/02/2023 17:52

You could always tell her what another poster suggested someone tell their SIX year old in this situation, on a recent thread. "Mummy and daddy have sex as it feels nice" 😨

TheAllButterBiscuit · 05/02/2023 17:55

I genuinely think this a valuable life lesson for her. People in relationships have sex; proceed with caution when entering a private space.

Also whilst it’s obviously gross that she actually caught you at it, it doesn’t hurt for her to realise that you and your other half are individuals who are liable to behave like human beings. Embarrassing in the short term, but hopefully earning some wisdom in the long term.

maddiemookins16mum · 05/02/2023 17:58

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 04/02/2023 16:19

You don't need to "deal" with anything. She just learned a valuable lesson around privacy

100% this. I’d be having stern words with her, how disrespectful.

LaughingCat · 05/02/2023 18:01

Sorry, your post made me howl! What a way to start a Saturday.

I’m confused though - what do you mean, ‘who is at fault?’ There’s no fault here. She thought you guys were out, you guys thought she was at work.

It doesn’t sound from your OP that she was intentionally letting her friends into your room to invade your privacy, she was just looking for your straighteners in what she thought was an empty house…she’ll definitely have learned her lesson!

This isn’t a major thing though…it’s just a few red cheeks all round and you’ll be laughing about it soon enough. I’d be freaking crying if my daughter walked in on hubby and me in flagrante 🤣

CrazyCorgi · 05/02/2023 18:01

I’d have been fuming. We’ve always had a rule that you have to knock to go into someone’s bedroom in our house. That works for parent to child as well as child to parent. It would only be in an absolute emergency that someone would just barge in uninvited, certainly not for hair straighteners.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 05/02/2023 18:02

Fault? Fault for what?
You're not the first to be caught, and won't be the last.

Mediocrates · 05/02/2023 18:04

YAabsolutelyNBU to have sex in your own bedroom, in your own home, with the door closed!

We fitted a lock to our bedroom door when the children were younger so we could enjoy a good (but quiet) shag whilst not worrying about what they’d see if they walked in. That might be an idea if you’re worried about it happening again, but I assume that your daughter will have well and truly
learned her lesson about knocking in future

Madamum18 · 05/02/2023 18:08

I'd sit down and have an adult conversation with her..as in

Ok so when you walked into our room we were making love. That is not gross, its just normal. I get it was embarrassing for you just as it was for us. So how are we going to make sure this does not happen again, as we will be continuing to have sex, so that one is not an option?

If she gets defensive/goes on about gross etc just say Its not gross, just normal. Then ask her again how we avoid it happening again etc etc

In that conversation discuss the fact that you have on many many occasions asked her not to borrow your things, bought her the equivalent to your own etc ..but she still just walks in and borrows things. Why? Remind her that you do not do that to her because you respect boundaries. Ask her why she does not respect your boundaries. Ask her whether you are going to have to put a lock on her door because she is unable to respect your boundaries like you do hers? And so on. And listen to her answers, don't interrupt. When she has finished keep repeating your points within your responses. If she flounces off just say "Oh well, I'm happy to look at solutions together when you are ready. Until then I will have to put a lock on the door. I don't want to but it seems to be the only answer as you don't feel able to discuss the problem at the moment

All done calmly and not rising to the many "baits" she is likely to throw at you as a 14 year old.

I am speaking from experience of a nightmare teenage son a few years ago!!!

MichaelFabricantWig · 05/02/2023 18:09

Having read the rest of your posts maybe now she’ll have learned her lessons about boundaries! Doesn’t help you with the cringe though sorry x

Munches · 05/02/2023 18:09

JudgeRinderonTinder · 04/02/2023 16:17

Wtf was she doing bringing other people up your stairs and into your bedroom? That is your private space, it’s one thing being your DD (and bad enough in the circs) but her mates are a different thing entirely. This is what I’d be most furious about! There’s no need for them to be anywhere near your bedroom!

I agree with this.

chickbean · 05/02/2023 18:13

If she hasn't learned her lesson I would seriously remove her bedroom door as pps have suggested.

Sennelier1 · 05/02/2023 18:16

It seems your daughter is old enough to álways knock on the door of someone else's room. The embarressment is hers. Also : to let unexpected visitors go upstairs/the sleeping quarters of the family? I don't think so. Those visitors should have been waiting downstairs in the hall or maybe in the kitchen. Your daughter was very rude to barge in like that and hopefully has learned a lesson.

WiddlinDiddlin · 05/02/2023 18:20

I'd be blunt and to the point, and I would be forgetting all about boundaries as far as her room is concerned - follow her lead.

'We were fucking, it's our house, our room, no one was home, and you shouldn't have walked in. If you think it is 'disgusting' for a married couple to have sex in their own room, in their own house, it is YOU who has a problem'.

I might go further and add 'since you seem not to care about boundaries and manners, from now on we will not bother with using our room and will fuck anywhere we damn well like in our house when everyone else is out.'

Maybe being called out, properly, on her behaviour and finding people help themselves to stuff in her room will make her see sense (or, move out, either way, win win).

CountryMouse22 · 05/02/2023 18:31

It's your house FFS! None of her business what you do when you think she's out.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 05/02/2023 18:34

EmpressOfTheSofa · 04/02/2023 18:13

I have tried everything over the years. Bollockings, groundings, taking stuff away; even buying her the same things so she has her own. She is a magpie and I’ve never been able to make her have respect for other peoples space. If you have an answer I’d love to hear it.

Her room is her own. And I’ve kept that as a hard line because I can’t see how I can set my own boundaries if I’m invading hers. But that’s just led to her being precious about her own and not about anyone else’s. Her brothers’ stuff is also apparently fair game. She would lose her shit if someone took her stuff or went in her room.

DH has just said that he thinks we are at fault. The kids should have free rein to come and go. Fuckeroo.

Show quote history

Do the same thing to her. Walk in unannounced. Use her things. Take them and forget to give them back. And when she loses her shit tell her it works both ways. Either she respects peoples things like she wants them to do hers, or everything is free game.

Tessabelle74 · 05/02/2023 18:37

Fit a lock on your door! No way you should be allowing her to "borrow" other people's stuff. As for the embarrassment, I'd guess hers is more than yours, just ignore it or do what I'd do, announce very loudly later on that me and Dad are off upstairs to finish what we started earlier 🤣

Wiluli · 05/02/2023 18:38

Sorry I had to lol when reading it .
honesty do nit make a huge deal if this , it happens , she is 19 not 9 , she knows and probably practises sex .
My only suggestion would be a sore that locks in your bedroom ?
I’m curious , has she said anything ?