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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To place flowers on the grave of someone I don't know?

266 replies

ChocChipOwl · 04/02/2023 08:59

There's a back story of course. I'm not a random weirdo!

My DH thinks I'm mad but I think this is a nice thing to do.

I like researching social and local history and I'll do it for the various places I've lived. I'll use online searches etc and research a place / person and it's all quite interesting

Anyway, I live in a very small village and was researching a local house when I found a postcard dated 1915 which was sent to a lady who lived round the corner from me. I researched more on her, the area etc

She died in 1917 and is buried 0.2 miles from my house in the churchyard

I've now finished this particular research and wanted to put some flowers on her grave. She has no living relatives as her daughters were both 'spinsters'

Only a three quid bunch of tulips. My husband thinks bonkers but I think just a nice token of .. appreciation? Esteem? Not sure

I'd remove them in a week so nothing festering in there

So. A weirdo? Or nice?

OP posts:
LizzieVereker · 04/02/2023 10:15

I don’t think it will do any harm ,but it feels like it’s more about you than the deceased, not that there’s anything wrong with that either, I suppose.

MummyInTheNecropolis · 04/02/2023 10:18

It’s a nice gesture OP, nothing wrong with it at all.

To the PP who mentioned sad looking graves - just because a grave is neglected doesn’t mean the person isn’t loved and thought of. My dad died 5 years ago and I’ve never visited his grave. To me, there is no connection between the grave and my dad. He isn’t there. I feel closer to him when I’m listening to certain songs, watching the football, or visiting places he loved. We all grieve and honour our loved ones in our own way. My dad is in my thoughts every minute of the day, I couldn’t love and miss him anymore if I tried. A bunch of flowers on a grave is neither here nor there.

hettiethehare · 04/02/2023 10:19

Nosejobent · 04/02/2023 09:33

I think it’s a lovely thought and I feel odd that such nice gestures could be questioned as being weird.
There is a child’s grave near to my dads grave.
I sometimes leave a flower at this child’s grave from the flowers I’m leaving for my father. I don’t know the child’s family but it was so incredibly moving that when we buried my dad, there was a child’s grave near to it. It really put things in perspective and made me realise that my dad had a good full life, it was very helpful in the grieving process.
aside from that, my dad was so particular about being a good “neighbour”, it seemed something he would do if he could!

I agree - I think it is a lovely thought and think it sad that others clearly think this is an odd or weird thing to do.

My grandparents are buried next to a young boy's grave - I don't know the family but I know the story as the boy was accidentally killed by his brother in a shotgun accident around the time my grandfather died (hence the fact that they are adjacent). I always leave flowers or a flower for him as well as it is such a sad story - even though (and this is what really breaks my heart) is that the boy's grave is beautifully tended and he has clearly never been forgotten.

Original poster
ChocChipOwl · 04/02/2023 10:21

@Whatislove82 don't be silly. This isn't about my husband so you're strange projecting is just ..:: weird.

although I suppose you're the resident weirdo on this thread 😀

OP posts:
Needhelp101 · 04/02/2023 10:22

Johnnysgirl · 04/02/2023 09:59

How can anything that makes the world a little brighter be wrong?

This!

I think it's a lovely thing to do.

Original poster
ChocChipOwl · 04/02/2023 10:23

@LizzieVereker I don't want it to be about me at all.

Nobody will know - you lot only know as I'm telling you on an anonymous forum!

There's no great song or dance and it's not an ego thing

Actually, can it be an ego thing if you're just doing it quietly with no one else's knowledge?

OP posts:
FlimFlamBam · 04/02/2023 10:23

There is a grave in a small churchyard not far from my house where a whole family is buried. So many of the daughters died when children or teenagers. I am a bereaved parent of a DD and have thought about doing what your doing but worried it was odd. I don’t know how they survived with that many losses. I think you have just inspired me to actually do what I have contemplated.

Original poster
ChocChipOwl · 04/02/2023 10:24

@bigbluebus I would never do that. I would never intrude in that way. You're right, 100 + year old graves with no living relatives are different

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocChipOwl · 04/02/2023 10:25

@FlimFlamBam I suppose if you ask yourself 'would I like someone to do this for me and my family? Just a small gesture that quietly says they mattered'

And that's maybe your answer

OP posts:
Echobelly · 04/02/2023 10:27

I think it's nice, you've learned about her and it's something to show she's not forgotten.

Whatislove82 · 04/02/2023 10:27

ChocChipOwl · 04/02/2023 10:21

@Whatislove82 don't be silly. This isn't about my husband so you're strange projecting is just ..:: weird.

although I suppose you're the resident weirdo on this thread 😀

Love that your husband thinks you’re weird

and you think I’m weird

😂

Poppins2016 · 04/02/2023 10:28

Mossball · 04/02/2023 09:22

Instead of a bunch of flowers could you buy some daffs or primroses that are flowering and put them in? They'll come back year after year and they'll be available at the garden centre now really cheaply. Great for the environment too as well as making you feel like you've paid your respects to the dead.

That's a lovely idea.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/02/2023 10:28

She could still have living relatives in the form of (grand) nephews/nieces, but I'm sure they wouldn't be offended.

MadeOfSteel · 04/02/2023 10:29

It's a lovely thing to do. Showing she's not forgotten.
I do family history and house history research as a hobby, too, and it's lovely to come across a person or story that you find touching.

SaltedChoco · 04/02/2023 10:29

I think it's lovely, how nice that someone is thinking fondly of her and wishing her well and knowing her name after 100 years.

Soñando25 · 04/02/2023 10:30

I think it would be a lovely thing to do.
It’s not weird at all.

FlimFlamBam · 04/02/2023 10:30

When my Grandmother was buried the military grave of a young soldier who died in WWI was just behind hers. My grandmother had served in the WAAF in WWII and her grave has the insignia on it. I remember my Mother in her grief saying Mum will look after him, it seemed to give her great comfort.

FlimFlamBam · 04/02/2023 10:31

@ChocChipOwl yes I think that’s a perfect answer, thank you.

Whatislove82 · 04/02/2023 10:32

It’s really bothered you that I said I thought it was a bit sad that you wanted to do something really quite sweet and yet your “d”h was making you second guess yourself as to whether you were being bonkers, to the extent you were canvassing anonymous posters views.

🤷‍♀️ not a situation I would be happy with, but seeing as it’s “no exaggeration” that your “d” h is the “best husband” in the world then clearly I’m wrong 😂

louise5754 · 04/02/2023 10:36

Do you dislike all men?

toomuchlaundry · 04/02/2023 10:41

My DF always said flowers are for the living not the dead. Hated flowers at funerals. Not sure he would be too impressed if some random placed flowers on his grave! DM and I always have flowers for ourselves on his birthday. I think planting some primroses would be okay but a small posy of flowers not, would rather that went to someone alive who could need their life brightening up

Multipleexclamationmarks · 04/02/2023 10:41

I think it's a nice thing to do.
I used to visit my dad's grave often as a teenager and found a very old unlooked after grave nearby of a ww1 soldier. I took to cleaning it up and putting flowers on, never told a soul, in my mind I figured that my dad had been in the army and would approve. This was many years ago. I saw no harm whatsoever in it.

Seagully7 · 04/02/2023 10:43

This is something I’d do. I think it’s a lovely gesture x

HufflepuffRavenclaw · 04/02/2023 10:43

As a fellow family history and genealogy fanatic, this is not weird in the slightest. I have in the past put pebbles on the graves of a Jewish family I was researching, and some wild flowers on the grave of someone born 200 years ago.

Whatislove82 · 04/02/2023 10:45

louise5754 · 04/02/2023 10:36

Do you dislike all men?

😂