Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To place flowers on the grave of someone I don't know?

266 replies

ChocChipOwl · 04/02/2023 08:59

There's a back story of course. I'm not a random weirdo!

My DH thinks I'm mad but I think this is a nice thing to do.

I like researching social and local history and I'll do it for the various places I've lived. I'll use online searches etc and research a place / person and it's all quite interesting

Anyway, I live in a very small village and was researching a local house when I found a postcard dated 1915 which was sent to a lady who lived round the corner from me. I researched more on her, the area etc

She died in 1917 and is buried 0.2 miles from my house in the churchyard

I've now finished this particular research and wanted to put some flowers on her grave. She has no living relatives as her daughters were both 'spinsters'

Only a three quid bunch of tulips. My husband thinks bonkers but I think just a nice token of .. appreciation? Esteem? Not sure

I'd remove them in a week so nothing festering in there

So. A weirdo? Or nice?

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 04/02/2023 11:18

It is nice that someone is still thought of.

Yes this is how I feel about it. OP might not have known the lady but it's nice to be remembered.

BigglyBee · 04/02/2023 11:20

What harm could possibly come of it? A simple, heartfelt act of remembrance would be a lovely thing. It's not like you would be posting graveside selfies, for goodness sake!

Flowersintheattic57 · 04/02/2023 11:22

Do the things that bring you joy.

Emotionalsupportviper · 04/02/2023 11:22

I think it's a lovely gesture.

Namechangeforthis6 · 04/02/2023 11:22

Wow there's some miserable people on mumsnet today

I think it's a lovely idea op

NerdyBird1 · 04/02/2023 11:23

You might feel that way, but others might feel offended and upset. Like it was being implied that the grave was neglected and they'd needed to step in.

Loads of graves are a bit neglected, aren't they? Quite a stretch for anybody to assume somebody went and bought flowers for a random grave because a grave is neglected.

And chances are, if there's a family member there to see the flowers in the first place, the grave wouldn't be neglected/abandoned anyway.

RachelGreeneGreep · 04/02/2023 11:23

I think it's a lovely idea. Go for it.

As an aside, I always feel a little bit sad when I see graves that look like there's nobody around anymore to take care of them.

LondonJax · 04/02/2023 11:23

Oysterbabe · 04/02/2023 09:04

What's the point?
I guess if it pleases you in some way then there's no harm, just seems like a waste of money and pointless plastic.

Well it's also pointless to spend money on take away coffee or sandwiches when you can make your own at home. It supports a business, but so does buying a bunch of flowers.

It's environmentally 'bad' to be on here as your PC uses electricity, has a battery that will need to be 'recycled' and contains all sorts of nasties that we plunder from abroad and is, probably, made of plastic. As is your phone.

But you get pleasure from them. So what's the problem?

You do it OP and enjoy it. It's a lovely gesture.

zen1 · 04/02/2023 11:26

maddiemookins16mum · 04/02/2023 10:52

My Mum rests next to a young man obviously killed in a road accident. He was 29 (in 1981). The grave was tended for years but stopped in 2021. I always put some of Mum’s flowers in his wee flower holder.

I think that’s a lovely thing to do @maddiemookins16mum

OP, I think it’s nice to acknowledge the memory of someone long-passed. I am also into social history and many of the people I research never married and so had no descendants. If I came across any of their graves, I would probably do similar.

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 04/02/2023 11:27

Oysterbabe · 04/02/2023 09:04

What's the point?
I guess if it pleases you in some way then there's no harm, just seems like a waste of money and pointless plastic.

What a silly sentiment. Thank you for making me laugh though 😂

Thirtyandflailing · 04/02/2023 11:29

Not sure it’s the same but my baby is buried in our local cemetery and every now and then when I visit I’ve found flowers, teddies and toys and found it to be a lovely gesture

Highdaysandholidays1 · 04/02/2023 11:31

The gesture itself is lovely, and I think about you closing this chapter of research and acknowledging that she was a real person, just like you, with hopes, dreams and a life, even though now dead.

I'd get some daffodils in a pot, leave them there, then plant them after they stop flowering. I did that with some flowers given to me in memory of someone and it's cute, they also come up randomly as I was too lazy to do it properly, I just shoved the bulbs in with my fingers and now they pop up in Spring which is delightful!

DorritLittle · 04/02/2023 11:31

A lovely thing to do.

Also OP, how exactly do you research local and social history as I would like to do this!

ScribblingPixie · 04/02/2023 11:33

Definitely a nice thing to do, OP, to 'let her know' that she's touched your life 100 years on.

GneissGuysFinishLast · 04/02/2023 11:36

Kitcaterpillar · 04/02/2023 11:03

What is the point of a grave other than to be remembered?

Because it’s frowned upon to throw your dead relatives in the garden waste bin?

Viviennemary · 04/02/2023 11:39

Why not if you want to.

GneissGuysFinishLast · 04/02/2023 11:41

RachelGreeneGreep · 04/02/2023 11:23

I think it's a lovely idea. Go for it.

As an aside, I always feel a little bit sad when I see graves that look like there's nobody around anymore to take care of them.

It doesn’t mean the person is unloved or not thought of. We have never done the whole visiting the grave of the dead thing. I’ve actually never visited the graves of any of the family members I’ve lost - one great grandparent, three grandparents, 2 aunts, 2 uncles.
Instead, we have tangible things that link us to our relatives. I wear a bracelet every day my gran gave me. I named my daughter after my other gran. And so on.

The grave is a reminder that they are gone, it’s got no memory or no sentimentality to me.

katseyes7 · 04/02/2023 11:46

I think it's lovely. You're not harming anyone, l doubt there's anyone to upset.
My best friend's brother was very well known years ago. Died relatively young, and he's buried in the (very ordinary and unremarkable) family grave with his parents.
Her younger brother still lives near the cemetery, and he told me that quite often when he goes, someone will have placed flowers for his brother, someone who was obviously an admirer of his work.
Both my friend and her brother find it comforting, that someone's bothered to do that for someone who was a stranger, but they felt they 'knew' them.
Before my friend's mum died a few years ago, she used to go to the cemetery regularly, and one day when she went, there was a young girl leaving flowers at the grave for my friend's brother.
She'd come to London from Japan, but had travelled a few hundred miles out of her way to pay her respects. His mum was thrilled that someone had thought enough of her son to do that.

It's kind, OP. I don't think it's daft at all. Go for it x

user1492757084 · 04/02/2023 11:48

Putting flowers on a grave in not in the least bit offensive. What is your husband afraid of? It is not illegal. I often put the odd flower on graves when I put them on my mother's grave. You obviously enjoyed doing the research too and you appreciate knowing more about her.

Logburnerperils · 04/02/2023 11:48

In keeping with the mumsnet rules you should use the £3 to buy food for a foodbank. There is a cost of living crisis right now.

Johnnysgirl · 04/02/2023 11:53

Logburnerperils · 04/02/2023 11:48

In keeping with the mumsnet rules you should use the £3 to buy food for a foodbank. There is a cost of living crisis right now.

God, people can do that as well as spending money on other things.

TheDead · 04/02/2023 11:56

Wow there are some right curmudgeons on this thread, a sadly recurring theme across MN at the moment I'm afraid.

OP I think it's a lovely gesture & I also understand your fascination with researching places & people from former times. I do similar myself.

Our house was built by a local man about 160 years ago. His only child was a daughter who never married & didn't have children. She lived here all her life until she died & the house fell into a ruin.

We bought this ruin & fixed it up & we have lived here for almost 20 years raising our family. It's a beautiful, peaceful farmhouse & I very very often even all these years later think of that woman & I always hope she would be pleased with how we've minded her house & garden & the joy it's given us.

We have found her grave & laid flowers on it.

I have also visited graves of people who've had a profound affect on my life - writer's & historical figures in my case but I understand the urge for those who visit graves of musicians etc

I really, truly do not understand the mindset of anyone who would find this odd or upsetting.

Logburnerperils · 04/02/2023 11:56

Johnnysgirl · 04/02/2023 11:53

God, people can do that as well as spending money on other things.

Show quote history

I was being flippant. Of course flowers can be put on a grave. No one will care / know so go for it 🙂

gogohmm · 04/02/2023 11:58

I think it's lovely, just please remove all plastic and rubber bands before placing them

gogohmm · 04/02/2023 12:00

But nicer might be going with a trowel and tidying up the grave, perhaps plant perennial seeds /wildflowers.