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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To place flowers on the grave of someone I don't know?

266 replies

ChocChipOwl · 04/02/2023 08:59

There's a back story of course. I'm not a random weirdo!

My DH thinks I'm mad but I think this is a nice thing to do.

I like researching social and local history and I'll do it for the various places I've lived. I'll use online searches etc and research a place / person and it's all quite interesting

Anyway, I live in a very small village and was researching a local house when I found a postcard dated 1915 which was sent to a lady who lived round the corner from me. I researched more on her, the area etc

She died in 1917 and is buried 0.2 miles from my house in the churchyard

I've now finished this particular research and wanted to put some flowers on her grave. She has no living relatives as her daughters were both 'spinsters'

Only a three quid bunch of tulips. My husband thinks bonkers but I think just a nice token of .. appreciation? Esteem? Not sure

I'd remove them in a week so nothing festering in there

So. A weirdo? Or nice?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocChipOwl · 04/02/2023 22:16

@ShakespearesBlister I'm pretty sure she's not a convicted rapist so happy to take my chances there. But yes - a good point. What if she was truly horrible?

Her daughters certainly wrote to her regularly and she sent them flowers according to the postcard from 1915

I'll attach it and you can have a read if you're interested

To place flowers on the grave of someone I don't know?
OP posts:
VestaTilley · 04/02/2023 22:17

A lovely gesture, do it.

I know it can’t be helped, but I always think forgotten graves are so sad.

Original poster
ChocChipOwl · 04/02/2023 22:18

I believe it says ..

Dearest mother

Many thanks for flowers. You will have had my letter. It is bitter here but very bright. Have not been over cathedral yet. Present bishop not liked at all. Had zep over here a fortnight today and the Wednesday before too. Fondest love.

It says 'cold enough to snow' in one corner ( strange as it's September!) and something about writing soon in another corner

OP posts:
VestaTilley · 04/02/2023 22:18

Thank you for posting a picture of the card. “Cold enough for snow”, and “present Bishop not liked at all” (love this), how nice to see.

Original poster
ChocChipOwl · 04/02/2023 22:20

@VestaTilley me too - and eventually they're all forgotten I suppose.

This particular one is definitely forgotten. There is no family left.

I took a walk over the graveyard and there are only about 40 graves or so. Majority very old. Cannot spot it yet but will look again tomorrow

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocChipOwl · 04/02/2023 22:21

@VestaTilley I did enjoy the 'present bishop not liked at all' 😀

And .. I suppose it wouldn't be too tricky to find out his name. It's Lincoln cathedral, it's 29 September 1915 and I'm sure there'll be a list of bishops ..

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocChipOwl · 04/02/2023 22:22

And this is what gets me down the rabbit hole! I wonder who the bishop was that nobody liked and .. off I go
(I haven't done this! But only because I do actually do other things than fanny about with social history things)

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocChipOwl · 04/02/2023 22:26

That didn't take long 😀

To place flowers on the grave of someone I don't know?
OP posts:
Original poster
ChocChipOwl · 04/02/2023 22:27

And the 'zep' is, I believe, the zeppelin. Again, did it fly over Lincoln in September 1915? Must have done!

OP posts:
Mylife2099 · 04/02/2023 22:32

Not quite the same but in the local graveyard near to where I grew up a friend from school is buried, I attended the funeral. He had mentioned once about a country he wanted to visit but sadly he died aged 18 and this was in the 1980’s. I’ve been back over the years but now live 100’s of miles away. I visited the place he had mentioned, found a stone there and brought it back. Recently visited my hometown and returned to the graveyard to find his grave looking very neglected - was so sad but I did leave the stone there as intended. He is always in my thoughts.

Original poster
ChocChipOwl · 04/02/2023 22:35

And indeed, a read of Wikipedia reveals that the Archbishop of Canterbury was not an Edward hocks fan. He was called cowardly and criticised for his views

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocChipOwl · 04/02/2023 22:35

@Mylife2099 that's heart warming.

OP posts:
Manthide · 05/02/2023 06:46

I think it's a lovely gesture. My mother often puts poppy crosses on the graves of the war dead.

Manthide · 05/02/2023 06:51

TheDead · 04/02/2023 15:04

Can sometimes please explain why you would worry to find flowers on a grave that you didn't put there. How would you even know they weren't from another visiting family member

It's all so dramatic! What is there to worry or be disturbed about?

It wouldn't bother me at all, just glad someone is thinking of them.

Anycrispsleft · 05/02/2023 06:58

Why not, if you want to. I don't know why people are saying it's a waste - why is it more of a waste than putting them on the grave of someone you knew? They're all dead - unless you think they're is life after death in which case why wouldn't the wee lady be chuffed that someone had discovered her story?

Plantlifeonmars · 05/02/2023 07:08

Better off helping the living then a deceased random stranger. Sorry I know that sounds harsh but a few quid can mean such a lot to someone who is struggling to put food on their table. I'd give a bit of money to the food bank and in your head you can say it's in her honour.

rainbowstardrops · 05/02/2023 08:00

I never even knew buying old postcards from Ebay to research people/events was even a thing!
I'm going to have to sit on my hands and stop myself doing that because I procrastinate instead of doing constructive things too much already! 😂 looking at you Mumsnet

HufflepuffRavenclaw · 05/02/2023 08:50

I love old postcards. I bought a job lot from a charity shop a couple of years ago. People seemed to use them in the same way as we use WhatsApp or texting now and reading them gives a real insight into everyday life.

Original poster
ChocChipOwl · 05/02/2023 09:21

@Plantlifeonmars does it have to be either / or then? You have no idea what charity work I may or may not I do. Or what money I may or may not have. Irrelevant comment.

OP posts:
Cantwait4summer94 · 05/02/2023 09:33

ScoobyDoNot · 04/02/2023 21:45

I do this.
My dad died a few months ago. When I started going to the cemetery to visit him, I noticed the grave of a 6 month old baby who would be a month younger than me now.
There were never any flowers at her grave so now every time I go, I take some for baby Holly too.

That is so sweet x

Cantwait4summer94 · 05/02/2023 09:50

I think you should put the flowers on the grave 💐 I think the gesture is so lovely and thoughtful. Also, it’s so interesting to read about people who lived over 100 years ago. So fascinating

Plantlifeonmars · 05/02/2023 10:17

ChocChipOwl · 05/02/2023 09:21

@Plantlifeonmars does it have to be either / or then? You have no idea what charity work I may or may not I do. Or what money I may or may not have. Irrelevant comment.

Just giving my opinion. I presumed you wanted opinions but obviously not.

Whatislove82 · 05/02/2023 10:33

Plantlifeonmars · 05/02/2023 10:17

Just giving my opinion. I presumed you wanted opinions but obviously not.

Show quote history

Oh you should see the OP’s response to my comment that lovely idea but shame DH ridiculing it.

Unless it’s a “hell yes and your husband is indeed “No exaggeration the best husband in the world”, then the Op gets very ratty!

On tenterhooks….

Whatislove82 · 05/02/2023 10:34

Plantlifeonmars · 05/02/2023 07:08

Better off helping the living then a deceased random stranger. Sorry I know that sounds harsh but a few quid can mean such a lot to someone who is struggling to put food on their table. I'd give a bit of money to the food bank and in your head you can say it's in her honour.

Valid point and definitely not an “irrelevant point”

takeitslow56 · 05/02/2023 10:39

ChocChipOwl · 05/02/2023 09:21

@Plantlifeonmars does it have to be either / or then? You have no idea what charity work I may or may not I do. Or what money I may or may not have. Irrelevant comment.

It wasn’t irrelevant at all

i also thought valid point