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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help- husband witnessed a death

184 replies

bingbangbongding · 03/02/2023 23:25

Hi all,

Need help.

Husband was leaving work today and found a colleague dead in his car. He was about 50, was still warm. He asked passers by for help but no one would help him. Everyone had left work.

He called 999 and they got him to drag this man out of the car and perform CPR even though he said he was dead. It didn't work.

The ambulance and police arrived and the ambulance worked on him for a while. Police dismissed him immediately (didn't even want his details which I thought was weird).

He's absolutely shaken and has decided to get quite drunk (understandable).

Has anyone been through this?

How can I support him? I'm terrified he's going to get PTSD or something.

OP posts:
honeyytoast · 03/02/2023 23:26

Don’t have any sound advice but I’m really really sorry to read this, sending you both strength and of course to the family of the man

AFineBalance · 03/02/2023 23:27

Didn’t want to read and run. Someone with good advice will be here soon. Sorry this happened to him 💐Stay with him

LittleRedYarny · 03/02/2023 23:28

Does his company have an Employee Assistance Programme? They often have self referral for counselling and bereavement type support.

LastOfTheChristmasWine · 03/02/2023 23:29

How awful that no one would help him. Did he know the colleague well?

I'm not surprised he's in need of a stiff drink. I certainly had one after witnessing a death of someone close to me, though I didn't get PTSD afterwards.

Does his employer have an employee assistance programme? They typically offer counselling to employees.

RIP Flowers

cpphelp · 03/02/2023 23:29

I'm so sorry. I had to perform CPR on a very dead body one night too..... 999 instructions. Of course it didn't work. I had nightmares and couldn't stop talking about it for about 4 days to my lovely housemate, but I then moved on. I'll never forget it, but it will fade.

Babyroobs · 03/02/2023 23:29

I guess all you can do is encourage him to talk if he wants to. My ds at aged 17 witnessed his friend mown down and killed by a speeding car and had to try to give resuscitation etc. It was traumatic and we tried to get him to go for some counselling but he wouldn't and rarely speaks about it. It has now been four years since it happened. Maybe if your dh gets some feedback on cause of death etc in time it will help him to come to terms with the fact that nothing could be done to save him. Shame on the passers by who refused to help, they could have offered support at least.

007DoubleOSeven · 03/02/2023 23:30

I'm so sorry this is a really horrible experience.

His work might offer him support - in fact I think they have a duty to (counselling).

I can't believe so many people wouldn't help :(

My friend was in a similar position once and what she says she hated the most was the sense of powerlessness so she took an intensive first aid course.

For tonight, let him get drunk. Let him talk and encourage him to have counselling.

drunkornot · 03/02/2023 23:30

General suggestions: Call his gp, use nhs 111, go to a&e if he’s in a crisis, call the Samaritans, seek counselling, check if his employer will give him leave or pay for counselling, perhaps seek a fit note

Mumblechum0 · 03/02/2023 23:30

He's obviously had a terrible shock, and will take a while to get over it.

When I was 18, I saw an old man hit the deck as he was walking down the street. I stopped my car as I thought he'd tripped but he was going blue, obviously having a heart attack.

A couple of other people did stop and I remember putting my jacket under his head and holding his hand while someone did cpr but he was gone.

I was shaken for a few days and had bad dreams, but no lasting effects.

Try not to worry, your husband just needs some time to get over the shock.

Whatifitallgoesright · 03/02/2023 23:31

Jesus. That is a traumatic thing to go through. No wonder he wants to drink. Just look after him and don't take all pissed ramblings too seriously. He won't have eaten either so bear that in mind. You can't be 'terrified he's going to get PTSD'. Just stop it. Don't be magnifying something that doesn't need to be. Was he close to the colleague?

WandaWonder · 03/02/2023 23:31

Some people will deal it in their own way, so I would give advice if asked or you really think he actually is not coping and it is causing serious issues

Otherwise I would leave him to process it his own way as everyone is different

Adviceneeded200 · 03/02/2023 23:32

I'm sorry.xx

I was first on scene of an accident With two deaths and no chance of cpr. It was horrific and help could only come from police if I was a relative. I waited for a month before getting therapy for flashbacks
That helped me file the scenes away as memories.

Original poster
bingbangbongding · 03/02/2023 23:32

He said that the passers by were female and he felt that they thought he was suspicious so I don't think he feels too bad about that as he was likely acting erratically trying to flag down help.

Employee assistance is definitely one to go through. I'm glad to hear some of you/people you know didn't get PTSD, although I'm sure this will live with him a long time.

OP posts:
BabyOnBoard90 · 03/02/2023 23:33

Poor guy

Sindonym · 03/02/2023 23:33

The ambulance service always make people do that - it must be incredibly distressing. It is to give people their best chance - even if it is very slim. How horrible for him that no-one helped.

Give your husband some time and if he feels he needs it then it would be wise to seek counselling. He may not feel he needs it after the shock has subsided - which is also okay. Work may be able to help him find someone if he does want to talk with a professional?

Thoughts with your husband and the man’s family.

Original poster
bingbangbongding · 03/02/2023 23:35

Yes very much have thoughts with the man too.

He didn't know him at all, just was in the car park so assume he works at the same place.

OP posts:
Adviceneeded200 · 03/02/2023 23:35

I still think of the families of the two ladies who died. Not daily, nor monthly even. But sometimes. I spend a lot of time in the area as it was my workplace. Its definitely filed in a natural way in my brain now though. One wouldn't expect to forget such a thing entirely

Grimchmas · 03/02/2023 23:36

He has had a shocking experience but I think he's a fairly unlikely candidate for PTSD.

If he will talk about it, get him to start the story from when he felt normal before he found the guy and carry it on through to when he felt calm and fairly grounded again. If he gets shakes or trembles encourage him to let that happen, its shock moving through the body and it's more healthy to keep warm and comfortable and let them pass through than it is to try to force them to stop.

yukkamumma · 03/02/2023 23:38

I had crisis intervention training for this. It's important you let him talk, validate his feelings, prompt him to think about how he'll move forward and look after himself and support him to do so. Apparently those who have immediate crisis intervention like this will recover quicker. Accessibg an eap is a good start

Stopsnowing · 03/02/2023 23:38

if he does develop p t s d then e m d r can be helpful.

Sparklynewname · 03/02/2023 23:39

I don’t know what area you are in so this may not be viable…
A friend had similar recently. She is an HCP but had never done CPR and was at Macdonalds. She put a post up on Facebook about having had a tough day and other non HCP friends commented on the death and CPR. She was contacted by one of the Resuscitation Officers from our workplace who offered her and all other people involved in this situation a debrief. Apparently the Resuscitation Council is trying to bring this in as standard. So you could firstly contact your local hospital and ask if it’s possible to be connected to either the Resus Officer or lead and if that’s not possible, you could ask to be put in touch with PALS (patient and advice and liaison) or you may find an email for PALS if you Google “local hospital PALS”.
Or you could try to contact the Resuscitation Council and see if they are able to help.

Sloelydoesit · 03/02/2023 23:42

Not quite the same but I once worked in a job where I had to deal with videos and photos of murder scenes.
They have always affected me. And they are 'burned' into my brain.
I can only say that time does heal and making sure that normal life continues as much as possible is really important

Coffeeandchocs · 03/02/2023 23:42

Hi OP,

Im a nurse and have witnessed many deaths. It never gets easier but I have got better at “coping” with it. Talking does help but I’ve found it best when I am ready; make sure you’ve made it clear you will listen but don’t push if he’s not ready.

I’m not sure if it’s still a thing but if you Google the British Heart Foundation, I think they have a helpline you can call and speak to a nurse. You can talk to them about the CPR and get a kind of debrief.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2023 23:42

With the best will in the world, PTSD isn't something you can predict. Let him process, let him talk, see how he is over the next few days. Watch for intrusive thoughts, nightmares and going over and over what he could have done.

And yes, having a drink isn't healthy for long term mental health but it's good in the short term!

henrilechat · 03/02/2023 23:44

I'm so sorry your husband had to go through that, it sounds awful for him.

This might sound a bit crazy but there's actually research that playing Tetris can help to prevent ptsd symptoms. I think it's something to do with helping the brain to process the memories and file them away properly - trauma tends to lead to ptsd when our brains haven't managed to do that, that's why we get flashbacks and stuff.
I hope he's ok op. It's worth saying that trauma doesn't automatically lead to ptsd. It might help if he understands this isn't inevitable. But equally, if that does happen, it's not his fault and there's help available.