To ask for help- husband witnessed a death

[bingbangbongding]

Hi all,

Need help.

Husband was leaving work today and found a colleague dead in his car. He was about 50, was still warm. He asked passers by for help but no one would help him. Everyone had left work.

He called 999 and they got him to drag this man out of the car and perform CPR even though he said he was dead. It didn't work.

The ambulance and police arrived and the ambulance worked on him for a while. Police dismissed him immediately (didn't even want his details which I thought was weird).

He's absolutely shaken and has decided to get quite drunk (understandable).

Has anyone been through this?

How can I support him? I'm terrified he's going to get PTSD or something.

A few years back I witnessed a body floating upside down in the river. I called the police. They contacted me afterwards to take a statement and then asked me if I was OK or needed to speak to anyone (a member of their support team).

I wonder if your local force has anything similar?

He didn't actually witness a death though. He found a body. I witnessed an actual death. I held their hand while they took a final gasp. That's traumatic. You will be surprised how people move on from this. I don't even think of the actual moment any more and haven't for years. You do file it away. The problem with society is we shy away from one of the most natural parts of life which is that people die. Sometimes we will be there when it happens.

Poor love, I'm so sorry. I'd agree that his line manager, staff welfare, HR, EAP, unions are all sources of help. He may be able to source some therapy. Keep an eye on the drinking as a form of self medicating, as this won't help him - or your family life.

There is a lie repeatedly told on TV dramas that a person stops breathing, no heartbeat, star character does cpr for a minute, casualty suddenly takes huge breath, eyes open, 'where am I?' and all's well.

My first aid course taught me that this doesn't happen, we can't expect it to happen, or feel we failed when it didn't happen.

Cpr is there to ventilate the person especially the brain until expert help arrives.

If the person is gone, they can't be brought back.

Trying gave the poor man the best possible chance, I hope your husband can accept he did the right thing, the best thing, in a situation where the experts are by no means assured of success.

If we don't work in healthcare we just don't get the sense of proportion that those who do have about these things. It's extraordinary and shocking and of course he'll need time to process.

Both of you taking a first aid course together is a brilliant practical idea - you may meet people who had a similar experience, which could be helpful.

I found a man dead and did CPR on him for 40 minutes whilst I waited for an a,balance that turned up and pronounced him dead.

I then with him for 3 hours waiting for the police to turn up - announce it wasn't suspicious and then the coroner to come.

It played on my mind for years - not in a PTSD way or level but definitely stayed with me.

I'd say give him time and space and allow him to talk about it whenever he needs to. These things will have an effect on you as expected.

The difference for me was I didn't know the man. I did have to inform his partner though when she can looking for him

10 years ago I found a man in a car boot field with his non English speaking wife sobbing next to him. He wasn't breathing and had a trach. I performed cpr whilst my husband called 999 and in between breaths I screamed at the people gathering round to get an event organiser or blankets or even just hold his wifes hand but they all just stood there filming it on thier phones. I kept his heart going, and comforted his devestated wife. It was exhausting.
Event organisers eventually arrived and took over and I was sent away.

I drank neat whiskey out of the boot of my car and cried. Later, I called the only hospital nearby and found out he had died en route.

I can still taste it, my arms remember the ache of pumping pumping pumping. I remember his wife hugging me and holding my face trying to thank me in Italian. I remember his name and I think of it often. Sometimes I whisper it, and my husband nods and whispers it back. I wasn't prepared to find that trach tube, and will always wonder if I fucked it up.

I started out this reply to say your husband will be OK in time. But now I'm wondering if I've never really addressed the trauma of it myself.

PSA - no-one legally has to perform CPR, even if 'instructed' to by the 999 call handler. It's absolutely your choice. CPR only has a 4% success rate, and the older the patient, the more the likelihood of survival falls. Being with and talking to someone as they are dying is incredibly important, and if that's what you want to do, then do that.

From personal experience, I share you concerns, particularly with Mental Health First Aiders in the workplace.

Hi OP,

something very similar to this happened to me recently. I came across someone who had collapsed and needed up giving CPR. It was extremely traumatic. They didn’t survive despite the best efforts of the emergency services. There is some support info on the British Heart Foundation website, but the most useful thing for me was contacting my GP who arranged for someone in the practice to give me a debrief - a chance to talk through what had happened with someone who could understand it and explain it.

I found a neighbour dead outside recently. The 999 call handler told me to perform CPR and I refused. The person had clearly been dead hours, was cold and stiff.

You can of course refuse.

It’s not a competition @ShakespearesBlister !

My best friend an A&E doc

the Chances of CPR being successful is negligible. She said that best bet is defibrillator and chances of successful resuscitating following use is very substantially higher. Since then I always note whenever I see one (one actually a stone’s throw my front door!)

Rates of CPR survival, especially outside hospital, are incredibly low. "Successful" CPR means the return of a spontaneous heartbeat; very often they never actually regain consciousness let alone make it out of hospital.

The only person I personally know who survived CPR and left hospital was in her early 20s, collapsed at the gym (later turned out she had an undiagnosed heart condition) and had immediate CPR with a defibrillator kept on site. It was so unusual it made the local newspaper.

I can think of a couple of other people in their 50s and 60s who had successful CPR outside hospital but died in intensive care.

@LastOfTheChristmasWine

cross post!

Give him a free pass for getting drunk tonight, let him talk if he wants too and don't worry if he doesn't. He'll be shaken up for a few days but it'll fade. Just keep things normal but allow him the chance to talk it out.

Would it help him to meet the family of his dead colleague after sometime when they are ready? I know when my father passed in another country, I wanted to get all the details of his last moments from people who were near him. It may also help your husband see that the family are going through much worse for losing their loved one and also realise that it's blessing he found his colleague rather than colleague missing for a while and family not knowing what may have happened to him.

A colleague of mine once witnessed a suicide at work, and was pretty traumatised. HR and the EAP were really good though, she got fast tracked to some really good counselling through work and found it very useful.

This is really useful to read.
As someone who went through a traumatic event and was told to 'watch and wait' and be offered nothing else until a month was up, was incredibly distressing.
I realise this has been proven to work, but there doesn't seem to be any help in between the 'watch and wait' when I felt like I was drowning.
OP, I hope your husband is doing ok.

Gosh, your experience really got me there 😢

I can't believe I'm typing this but the police have just been and told us that the man was alive when they left the scene and that they believe he survived.

My husband was dismissed from the scene after the police arrived and just assumed he was dead.

They said the last log on the system was about 1.5 h after the incident and the person was 'stable' in a local hospital but that they had no information (or couldn't give any to us) of how he is now.

I'm actually dumbstruck. Actually beyond shocked.

Husband is blank, not much reaction. The police were saying to him that he did the right thing but he just sat there completely blank.

Bloody hell OP!

That was an unexpected (happy) poor twist!

Plot twist*

I hope the chap pulls through. Your DH did a great thing regardless of the outcome.

Wow, well done to your husband.
I'd expect 2 days shock, 2 weeks getting through shock and 2 months getting back to reality as a baseline. Please support and give him time.